This is my health story. It’s much more than just a weight-loss narrative- it’s the tale of how I became a stronger, happier, more confident, all-around healthy woman. The things I talk about here are only based on my experience, and I will never say that my way is the right way or the only way. It is simply what worked for me. I also want to point out that I do not believe that all people who are overweight have emotional problems or issues they need to deal with. It was true in my case, but I know there are many reasons why people struggle with weight, and emotional issues are just one possible cause. I hope you will find this story to be inspiring!
I was always a pretty happy kid. My mom was a single mom for a couple of years after I was born, and then she married my stepdad. They had five children together, for a grand family member total of eight. Being the oldest of six kids was tough but also wonderful, and I’m pretty close to each of my sibs to this day. I know that being the only kid with a different dad had an effect on me, whether I care to admit it or not. I definitely do not blame my parents for my problems, but I do think that this particular circumstance, paired with the fact that my real father wanted nothing to do with me, was the main reason why I grew up one of the most insecure, nervous, worrisome, shy teens on the face of the planet.
I didn’t know how to handle my emotions and negative feelings, and I always loved to eat. Food was how I coped. I didn’t really see it then, but I know that’s what was going on now. Hindsight is usually 20/20, right?
I remember as a teen barely eating anything at all during the day, and then eating everything in sight at night. I loved carbs, especially sweet stuff- bowls of cereal piled high with sugar, toaster pastries, chocolate, ice cream- you name it, I ate it. It was a binge/starve cycle that kept me a steady 20 pounds or so over my ideal weight for most of my childhood and teen years. When I was 19, I started reading Shape and Fitness magazines. I started counting calories. I joined a gym. And I lost weight- probably 20 or 30 pounds over six month’s time through diet and exercise. I felt great! The compliments I received from people made me feel good about myself, and my confidence began to build. Shopping for clothes became fun for once! My steady boyfriend at the time thought I looked amazing. Life was good.
Except then it wasn’t. Over time, I started tightening up the calorie counting. I increased the amount of exercise that I was doing. I would obsessively measure every
morsel that went into my mouth, and I was constantly calculating my intake. I stopped salting my food, stopped eating dessert altogether, and passed up parties and dinners out because what was being served did not fit within my meal plan. I would go to bed at 9pm each night so that I could wake up at 5am before work/school and put myself through grueling, high-intensity workouts. I was missing out on life. I was always freezing cold, my hair began to thin, and my skin was painfully dry. My weight on the scale continued to go down, but I rationalized that it was the result of my “healthy lifestyle” and would plateau on its own with time. I couldn’t keep losing weight forever, could I? My stepdad had been diagnosed with brain cancer, and my weight loss and the severity of my eating disorder seeme d to accelerate as his sickness progressed. As a classic Type A personality, I know that when life feels out of control, I tend to tighten up the things that I can control. Again, I didn’t see this then, but it is crystal clear to me now!
I remember the day when I got on the scale and it told me that I weighed 103 pounds. I am 5’5″. Then one day it said 99 pounds. 98. 95. 90. During this time, I was attending community college full-time, and was enrolled in a nutrition class. My professor, who could tell that I had an eating disorder, offered to take my body fat measurements. The calipers showed that I was at 5.5%. I remember crying to my teacher uncontrollably, telling her that I was scared. At this point, for the first time, I admitted that I needed help. My nutrition professor referred me to a nutrition therapist who was a friend of hers, and I began outpatient treatment almost immediately.
The therapist introduced me to Geneen Roth’s work, and I remember being incredibly horrified at the thought of eating whatever I wanted. I had never eaten based on my own hunger and fullness. It occurred to me then that I had spent my entire childhood ignoring my natural cues- that intuitive wisdom that we all have- and instead muffled that intuition by stuffing it down with food. And then, with this eating disorder, I was again ignoring my internal wisdom by not eating enough. From age 19 until about 22, I ate by the clock, every meal a carefully measured portion of “allowed” food, without regard to the fact that my body was SCREAMING(!) for nourishment and a break from exercise. I was sick, and I had to get better- I wanted to get better, I just did not know how. I had a very hard time gaining weight, and the therapist eventually threatened to have me hospitalized. If I didn’t make upward progress on the scale, it would be necessary, she’d said. This is al so around the time that my stepdad passed away, and my longtime boyfriend and I broke up. My stepdad’s death shook our family to the core, and though my boyfriend remained a good friend who offered support through this rough time, our break-up was hard on both of us. He could no longer stand by and watch me disappear, and it was obvious that I wasn’t happy. We had to go our separate ways, and so we did.
I’m not sure what happened, but all of a sudden something snapped inside me. I started bingeing again, and I could not be stopped. I must have binged on junk for six months straight. I think of it like this: I spent four years depriving myself, getting little to no enjoyment from food, and eating way less than my body needed. My body and my mind wanted all the things that I had not allowed it to have for so long, and they wanted them now. All at once. I know many people with eating disorders can gradually gain weight and learn how to eat “normally” again, but I’ve always been a person of extremes. I literally spent six months eating chocolate bars and Pop-tarts and pastries and cake, again without regard to whether or not I was hungry or full. There was some MUST EAT IT NOW beast inside of me that was impossible to appease. I also went from over-exercising maniac to couch-bound sloth whose only form of exercise was lifting either more food to my mouth or the remote to change the channel. As a result, I went from 88 pounds to 205 pounds in about six months. I cringe when I think about what that must have done to my body, inside and out. This was by far the darkest, most depressing time of my whole life.
The need to binge eventually wore off, as I’d hoped it would. I was 23. I was still very depressed and struggling inside, only now I was 80 pounds overweight. Still not able to fully wrap my head around intuitive eating, I started dieting. Atkins was a big one that I tried, with little success. I remember eating just the cheese and toppings off a slice of pizza, and gorging on those chalky, waxy Atkins bars. The thought makes me sick to my stomach! A friend introduced me to Body For LIFE, and I followed that program off and on for a couple of years. I lost weight, and it got me back into exercising in a more moderate, sensible way, but I was still struggling. If you’re familiar with Body For LIFE, you know that it allows for one cheat day each week. Not surprisingly, cheat day became BINGE DAY for me, and I’d literally spend the entire day eating junk from the minute I woke up until 12 midnight (when the day ended). It was not a healthy way to live, and I was still ignoring what my body was trying to tell me. I believe we all have that little voice inside of us that tells us what we truly need, but if we ignore it for years and years, it becomes more and more difficult to hear. Eventually, my weight settled at around 165 lbs.
I got pregnant in 2005 with my first baby, and I exercised through the whole pregnancy and gained about 35 pounds. I breastfed for the first year and was back on Body For LIFE nutrition almost immediately, and reached my pre-baby weight of 165 within six weeks of delivery. I wanted to be in better shape and lose another 40 pounds, but the stress of a new baby, problems in my marriage, and moving away from my family to another state for the first time ever made that difficult. I still struggled with binge eating and restricting, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I loosely (and miserably) followed Body For LIFE for a year after the birth of my son, and my weight dropped another ten or so pounds.
In early 2007 I discovered Precision Nutrition, and that dropped my weight down to 139. It is a program very similar to Body For LIFE, only with a bit more flexibility and better-tasting recipes. After six months or so, I just couldn’t do it anymore. In late 2007, at 139 pounds, I could not keep eating and exercising the way I had been. I wanted to set a good example for my son, and I knew that I had to overcome my disordered way of eating and thinking to fully be able to do that. I still struggled with binge eating, and I was ready to trade that in for a more normal, balanced, consistent way of eating- even if it meant gaining a little weight back. I had to free myself from this life-consuming burden that weight-loss had become. I had to remember that my weight did not define who I was as a person. I was missing out on life and I didn’t want to do that anymore. I stopped counting calories and had a life-changing moment in late 2007. I promised myself that I wou ld never, EVER diet again. Period.
In 2008 we moved back home with my family, which was a good first step in my self-acceptance quest. Having their support helped me tremendously. Problems in my marriage worsened, and I struggled to find work in Texas. I kept to my word and practiced intuitive eating as best I knew how. I felt like I had to learn how to eat all over again, and 2008 was a trial-and-error year.
It took a lot of letting go and working through some strange, unpleasant feelings in order to finally be able to truly stop fixating on the size of my rear and my obsession with dieting. I also had a lot more time- I had spent an absurd amount of energy and years of my life planning “allowed” meals and measuring out portions and calculating macronutrient ratios, and when I decided that I wasn’t going to do that anymore, I felt lost. Now what? When I was finally able to let go, I started to feel like myself again- like the self that was there all along, I just didn’t know how to let her shine through. I had a new zest for life, more pep in my step, and I could focus on other, more important things- like family and friends and my career and finding a hobby that I enjoyed and counting my many, many blessings. And guess what? People didn’t notice that I was putting on weight; instead they commented on how I suddenly seemed so much more relaxed and happy and outgoing and fun. It was as though one million pounds had been lifted right off my chest, and I was finally free.
I gained 20 pounds once I finally gave up dieting for good, which kept my weight at right around 155-160. I rediscovered my love of cooking actual meals using real, full-fat foods. In May 2008 I became pregnant with my youngest tot, O. My love of food only intensified, and I tried to be as good to myself as possible by eating what I wanted while making healthy choices for the baby. I tried to stay active, but didn’t do any planned workouts, and gained about 40 pounds. Once the baby was born, I knew that my marriage was over, but it took awhile for that fact to come to fruition. I did a lot of growing up in 2009, and made the conscious decision to take the very best care of myself that I possibly could- in the spiritual sense, as well as physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and intellectually. I knew how I wanted my life to be and I took small steps in that direction. I adhered to my no-dieting policy and instead continued to explore new recipes and cooking s tyles and cuisines- Food Network became my 24/7 postpartum companion, and I fell even more in love with Giada de Laurentiis and Rachael Ray. I breastfed for 11 months, and worked out regularly and consistently. I fell in love with Cathe’s dvds! Exercising this time was different. It wasn’t about burning calories or working off a slice of cheesecake; instead, I paid attention to what my body could do, how I felt when it moved, and how it changed with dedication to daily exercise. I could do a set of military-style “MAN” push-ups for the first time ever. Workouts became fun and purposeful- I had energy to keep up with my kids, I looked and felt much better in my clothes, I had a healthy appetite and enjoyed cooking for myself, and I had a much more optimistic outlook on life. At the hardest point in my adult life- the demise of my marriage and subsequent life upheaval- eating well and exercising regularly were my saving grace. It helped me to make it through, and it became habit. And so my healthy lifestyle was born. I haven’t looked back since.
It took about six months of consistent workouts and eating well for me to lose the baby weight, plus another 25 or 30 pounds. My weight today is 125 pounds, which I have maintained for close to 2 years. When I say eating well, I mean just that- not too much, not too little- not eating because it’s time or because it’s Bob’s birthday and everyone’s having cake, but because I’m hungry and my body says it wants a fresh plate of homemade spaghetti with big, juicy, basil-infused meatballs, or maybe I haven’t eaten all day and I’m really just not that hungry, so I’ll have something light like a salad or yogurt. It’s trying your best to tune into that intuitive wisdom that your body has and listening to it when it says it wants a cheeseburger with extra cheese, or a big slice of fresh watermelon. It’s knowing when you’ve had enough and putting down the fork accordingly. I absolutely overeat every now and again, but I try not to and I definitely don’t ove reat much more often than I do overeat. And when I do overdo it? I do NOT beat myself up. It happens. Food is good. And I get right back on track (without dieting!) and pay extra close attention to my body’s signals for the next meal. This listening also applies to working out- pushing yourself but knowing when to back off. It definitely takes time and it takes getting to know yourself, but damn, it’s possible. And trying to find that balance is absolutely worth it! How incredible is it that when I stopped following other people’s rules and quit dieting and started being good to myself and focusing on health and eating and exercising my way, the weight came off with ease!? When I started having fun and enjoying myself and focusing on health and happiness and on making my dream life become my real life, there was no reason to struggle anymore. I became healthy on the inside, and it eventually started to show on the outside.
I don’t want to make it sound like finding peace and balance with eating and exercise has been easy. It took a good year of trial-and-error to find what would work for me, not to mention the 27 years of dieting and starving and bingeing before that! It definitely was not easy, and getting to where I am now took finding some middle ground. I had to discover what would work for me, which ended up being a balance of eating what I want and eating for good health, and also acknowledging the fact that I do want to look fit and trim. I know that I need to eat well and exercise in order to look like I eat well and exercise, and I’m ok with that. When I think about the lifestyle habits that have allowed me to get to my current weight and maintain it, here are a few key points that come to mind:
•I don’t eat processed junk. I just don’t really like it. When I finally stopped dieting, I had to stop eating what I thought I should be eating and learn my true food preferences. Turns out, I prefer whole, real foods, not only taste-wise, but because they make me feel awesome. I turn my nose up at donuts and Doritos all the time because they don’t satisfy me and they don’t sit well in my stomach. The same goes for low- and no-fat “diet” foods. A slice of fat-free cheese, to me, is processed junk. You might as well eat some melted plastic. Our bodies weren’t meant to digest those kinds of things. The food you eat should be delicious, and should make you feel amazing. I spent years dieting and only dreaming of cramming donuts and chips and candy into my mouth at all hours of the day, and when I finally gave myself permission to eat anything, I discovered that I don’t really like that stuff very much. There are a million other things I’d rather b e eating.
•I eat when I am hungry, and stop when I am satisfied (not stuffed!). This one took some work, and I tackled it in steps. When I finally stopped dieting for good, I focused on eating when I was hungry. Once I’d mastered that, I paid extra attention to my fullness level. I feel best if I stop eating when I’m about 80-85% full. Of course I still overeat at times, but I feel best if I leave a little room in my stomach, and I think that not stuffing myself is one reason why I can eat rich, high-fat foods on a regular basis and still maintain my weight. I can eat anything anytime I’m hungry, so there really isn’t any reason to eat it all right this minute. A good example of someone who practices this style of eating is Giada de Laurentiis. She cooks with real, fresh ingredients, gets excited about food, savors and enjoys a reasonable portion of it, and then moves on. Her, Nigella Lawson and Rachael Ray were very inspiring to me when I first stopped dieting (and they still are!). They are curvy, gorgeous, healthy women who cook amazing meals and have a contagious passion for good health, good food, and living life to the fullest.
•I know the basics of nutrition. Though I don’t count calories or fat grams or any of that (and haven’t since 2007), I do read labels. I am nutritionally aware. I like to know what I’m eating! I try to buy food in it’s most natural form as often as possible, and I avoid anything with an ingredients list full of words I don’t recognize. Understanding how protein, carbohydrate and fats work in your body also allows you to put together more satisfying meals and snacks. For example, I know that eating an omelet with cheese and veggies is going to make me feel better and keep me from getting hungry much longer than a handful of chips or a piece of toast.
•I balance my intake over time. This relates to knowing about basic nutrition. Pancakes for breakfast? I’ll have something light and protein-heavy for lunch (like maybe a salad with grilled salmon and feta cheese). Big plate of pasta with cream sauce for dinner? I balance that by having fruit and yogurt for breakfast. Balancing your meals means that you get to have some of everything- not too much of any one thing- and you aren’t overdoing it. I have dessert every single night because I looooove sweets, especially chocolate, and I’ve been known to drink red wine on a near-nightly basis, but I’m also known to have veggie-heavy egg white omelets for breakfast and salads the size of my head for lunch. I balance my favorite rich foods with lighter ones that I know help me to feel and look my best. My body doesn’t want cheesecake for every meal of the day, but it doesn’t want salad all the time, either.
•I bust my butt. I work out hard. I know that exercising has numerous benefits, and I love the way I feel after a workout. I worked hard to get fit and I’m going to stay fit. I visualized myself as someone who is fit and healthy, I started doing the things that a fit and healthy person would do, and I became a fit and healthy person. I stay motivated in my workouts by changing them up every 4-6 weeks and always challenging myself in some new way. Currently I am loving Cathe’s newest workouts, especially High Reps and Intensity. You’ll be much more inclined to stick to a workout routine if you have more motivation than “I have to work out so I can wear my skinny jeans”. That gets old real quick and sucks the enjoyment right out of what could be an otherwise fun workout.
•I only eat foods that I LOVE! Don’t absolutely love it? Don’t eat it! Your body doesn’t want or need the extra calories. I’d MUCH rather savor the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream that is sitting in my freezer at home after a long day than eat some stale leftover birthday cake mid-afternoon in the break room just because everyone else is having some. Only eat what you love when you are hungry, and pay attention to it! I try my absolute hardest to make eating an event that is worth my undivided attention. I set the table for dinner. I sit and focus on my meals and snacks and try to avoid mindless munching at all costs.
•I cook for myself. Cooking for myself nearly every night means that I get to know my food. I’m mindful when I buy ingredients and I try to think about where the food came from, how it was grown, and how it got to my kitchen. I treat food as something to be savored and something to be thankful for. I use real, full-fat, fresh ingredients- none of this fat-free (taste-free!) nonsense. This also means that I’m less likely to mindlessly overeat. If I invest time and energy into cooking something, I’m more likely to pay attention while I’m eating it and will be much more satisfied on a smaller portion. Oh, this reminds me- I rarely have seconds. I dish up my servings according to how hungry I feel, and once I’ve finished my portion I don’t usually go back for seconds. Cook, eat and enjoy the heck out of it, and then move on with your life.
•Remember that being thin doesn’t mean you’ll be happy! My weight struggles had little to do with actual food and everything to do with emotional pain and things that needed to be dealt with on a very personal level. My extra weight (or lack of healthy weight) is symbolic of something that was missing in my life, I just didn’t know any other way to deal with it before. Now, if I notice that I want to eat when I’m not hungry or I feel myself tightening up and thinking that I should be eating less, I take it as a sign that something is going on with me and I need to get to the bottom of it. I am finally able to recognize that without judging myself and can work through my issues, rather than stuff them down with food or become obsessive about eating enough protein.
I didn’t weigh myself much in 2009, because I wanted to just let my body do it’s thing without focusing on any numbers. While I was losing weight, I chose to focus on how I felt and how my clothes fit. When I did finally start weighing myself regularly, and saw that my body naturally settled at around 125 pounds, I thought long and hard about how I was going to maintain that weight without becoming obsessive about it. Here is the one thing that works for me:
•I weigh myself almost every day. I know that I feel my best at 125 pounds, but I know that weight fluctuates five pounds or so in either direction due to a number of factors (time of day, time of month, etc.). If my weight starts creeping toward 130, I know I need to drink less wine, eat a little less dessert, and kick a little more ass during my workouts. If the scale reads closer to 120, I mentally note that I have a little wiggle room for an extra glass of red or a pumpkin spice latte with whip, and I can ease up a bit on my workouts. Honestly, I have found weight maintenance to be pretty easy. As long as I am aware of my eating patterns and regularly check in with myself, either on the scale or by how my clothes are fitting, and make small, effortless adjustments to my eating, my weight stays consistent. When I say small, effortless adjustments, I mean it: like having one glass of wine instead of two for a few nights, or having one scoop of ice cream for dessert instead of half a pint. Little things like that make a difference, and it’s usually enough to get the scale back to where I want it to be in a matter of days.
My journey is definitely a unique one, but I think that many people can relate to it on some level. This is one of the main reasons why I decided to work towards a degree in Health Studies and become a Certified Health Education Specialist. I’m always learning, growing, changing, and discovering new things about myself, fitness, food, and life. I have Cathe to thank for much of my success! 🙂
