Liann
Cathlete
LMAO! I had to have my mother do my sewing project for home ec.! I can't even load the thread! And my DH does almost all of the cooking in the house. I guess the maternal gene skipped me. Although I am mommy to 3 wiener dogs.
Do any of you ever regret NOT having kids?
- Thread starter jlsahli
- Start date
LMAO! I had to have my mother do my sewing project for home ec.! I can't even load the thread! And my DH does almost all of the cooking in the house. I guess the maternal gene skipped me. Although I am mommy to 3 wiener dogs.
lainiefig
Cathlete
Dude, I hope being maternal doesn't have to include sewing in this day and age. I was awful at home ec and only took it in jr. high because our school was so stinkin' small that we didn't really have choices in our so-called "electives." I also had to take vocational agriculture (I did better at that).
I find that knowing how to shop makes up for the not sewing thing. I also don't do any scrapbooking or other momish stuff (I prefer computer activities).
I find that knowing how to shop makes up for the not sewing thing. I also don't do any scrapbooking or other momish stuff (I prefer computer activities).
Just curious, how does not having children equate to a life of ease, comfort, and nothing to worry about? Your definition of rewarding might be considered as someone elses definition of misery.
I wish I had the luxury of not worrying about aging parents and inlaws, potential job losses, economic hardships, wayward siblings, and other factors of daily life for parents and non-parents.
Matiana
Cathlete
LOL. Come to think, I never had dolls either. Well, they were forced upon me but I hated them. One year I got a baby doll and a baby carriage for my bday. I think I was 8. I have never been so disappointed in my life. My bday picture reflect that very poor choice of gift. The toys went in the closet and were never seen of again.
amyg
Cathlete
carres1973
Cathlete
LMAO! I had to have my mother do my sewing project for home ec.! I can't even load the thread! And my DH does almost all of the cooking in the house. I guess the maternal gene skipped me. Although I am mommy to 3 wiener dogs.
And snakes...don't forget the snakes!
Carrie
Liann
Cathlete
hee-hee
i am a mother of four beautiful children who drive me to have a nervous breakdown everyday. my two oldest boys are autistic and my other two are just little. I am always on the go doing something but never accomplishing anything. I wouldn,t give it up for the world. just a funny story,just one that happens everyday that brings a smile to my face even when i feel like it's completely impossible. I was getting out of the shower and trying to get dressed. my little girl asks me why my thongs go up my butt? im like they are just made that way. she looks at me and slaps my butt and tells me that she can still see my chunky booty. I laughed histerically. In moments like that you can forget about all the craziness and everything that didn't get done and just think about the little creature who makes you smile when everything just seems wrong. I do admit the thoughts of having grandchildren and sending them home is wonderful, but then i wouldn't have my 5yr old man telling me that i'm is heart. they complete me and made me who i am today.
i am a mother of four beautiful children who drive me to have a nervous breakdown everyday. my two oldest boys are autistic and my other two are just little. I am always on the go doing something but never accomplishing anything. I wouldn,t give it up for the world. just a funny story,just one that happens everyday that brings a smile to my face even when i feel like it's completely impossible. I was getting out of the shower and trying to get dressed. my little girl asks me why my thongs go up my butt? im like they are just made that way. she looks at me and slaps my butt and tells me that she can still see my chunky booty. I laughed histerically. In moments like that you can forget about all the craziness and everything that didn't get done and just think about the little creature who makes you smile when everything just seems wrong. I do admit the thoughts of having grandchildren and sending them home is wonderful, but then i wouldn't have my 5yr old man telling me that i'm is heart. they complete me and made me who i am today.
Vee
Cathlete
I am 41. Married for almost 18 years. We decided not to have children when we were very young. When I was 26 I developed a medical condition which made us feel more stronly that we should not have children although the doctors said my condition and pregnancy could be managed.
I cannot say I regret not having children. I do wonder what it would have been like but I dont have pangs of longing.
Sometimes I am glad we did not have children. I can get so absorbed in a work project that I lose sense of everything else. When my tendency to get pre-occupied leads to me neglecting my loved ones, I feel guilty. And I think in those moments, I would have made a terrible mother. I see my mother's selflessness and that of my sister towards their children and I wonder whether I have that in me.
When I look back at my career one of the things that feels rewarding is mentoring. Helping a person's development, teaching people what I learned from many years of experience so that they become as effective in many less years is satisfying. At moments like this I feel I have a lot that I could have contributed to raising a balanced, well-adjusted human being who makes a difference to the world.
If we had gone ahead with bringing children into this world, we would have tried to do justice. We would probably be proud, happy parents experiencing what people have often told me "You dont know what you are missing." The thing is, they are right. I dont know what I am missing. I can sense it is wonderful from the way a parent's face lights up when they tell me about parenthood.
Life is all about making choices. The good thing is you never know what you missed by the choices you did not make. I am grateful for what life has given me and I feel vaguely (not strongly) guilty for not giving back by being a biological or adoptive parent.
I cannot say I regret not having children. I do wonder what it would have been like but I dont have pangs of longing.
Sometimes I am glad we did not have children. I can get so absorbed in a work project that I lose sense of everything else. When my tendency to get pre-occupied leads to me neglecting my loved ones, I feel guilty. And I think in those moments, I would have made a terrible mother. I see my mother's selflessness and that of my sister towards their children and I wonder whether I have that in me.
When I look back at my career one of the things that feels rewarding is mentoring. Helping a person's development, teaching people what I learned from many years of experience so that they become as effective in many less years is satisfying. At moments like this I feel I have a lot that I could have contributed to raising a balanced, well-adjusted human being who makes a difference to the world.
If we had gone ahead with bringing children into this world, we would have tried to do justice. We would probably be proud, happy parents experiencing what people have often told me "You dont know what you are missing." The thing is, they are right. I dont know what I am missing. I can sense it is wonderful from the way a parent's face lights up when they tell me about parenthood.
Life is all about making choices. The good thing is you never know what you missed by the choices you did not make. I am grateful for what life has given me and I feel vaguely (not strongly) guilty for not giving back by being a biological or adoptive parent.
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SirenSongWoman
Cathlete
I get why people want to have their own. In fact, being childless, I think the whole pregnancy experience is... fascinating, alluring even. It pains me that I'll never know THAT experience. Trouble is, almost nothing else about having kids is as appealing to me and a woman like that shouldn't have children. Nine months is barely a blink of an eye in a child's life and a woman should want a child for the child's sake, not for the experience of birthing.
A young (former) co-worker had already popped out three kids by age 26... different dads, of course. She was the classic irresponsible wench who had no business making babies. One day she said she "couldn't wait to get pregnant again" because she "Loooooved being PREGNANT." I wanted to punch that silly tart. Raising kids is serious business. I swear, making babies should require an i.q. test and a license so there aren't so many damaged adults walking around.
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SirenSongWoman
Cathlete
Oh my God, I hated baby dolls, too - and everybody thought it was weird. I distinctly remember throwing down a baby doll and screaming "It's FAT!" Weird, huh? But Barbies? Oh man, hot chicks with great clothes and shoes who went everywhere and could do it all. I just assumed there were lots of guys, and ignored plastic-for-hair Ken. Oh yea, the Barbie life was for me. You know what else? Remember BEWITCHED, the tv show? Samantha and cousin Serena? I was born blonde but, my whole childhood, my mom had to listen to me whine about how I was going to die my hair black as soon as I no longer needed her permission (until Mom informed me I'd "look ridiculous with black hair and brown eyebrows", which hadn't occurred to me). But Samantha and Serena... Serena was single, and had a fabulous life in exotic locales with lots of men. Compared to Samantha, trapped at home with kids and the dork of all dork husbands. And that Serena was a brunette and Samantha was a blonde was proof to me that brunettes had more fun! I know this has nothing to do with babies but it wasn't until junior high when I realized Madison Avenue worshiped at the alter of the blonde. All I knew is I was one and all I wanted to be was brunette. I eventually realized the closest I could get and actually look attractive was red, so that's where I am now. Sorry to go off topic but this post just got me going... I guess even tv glamorized not having kids.
kathryn
Cathlete
I had lots of dolls, but I much prefered my Teddy bears to the human-form dolls (except for my Barbie dolls, which would get into all sorts of mischief when Ken accidentally walked in on Barbie taking a shower! ---though at that age, neither I nor the friend who I played Barbie with knew exactly what was supposed to happen next!).
hmm for me I LOOOOVE being a MOm. I love everything about it. It is amazing how much love you can feel for a child. when I was pregnant with my second I thought I do not want to take anything away from the first....but when the second came the love and the bond doubled. I would do anything in this word for my kids....I may still want more kids...if money were no object I would have more in a heartbeat)
It is whatever works best for you. It is hard work but for me the most rewarding of all)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Tammy
)It is whatever works best for you. It is hard work but for me the most rewarding of all
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Tammy
shanihib
Cathlete
First - oops - sorry so long!
Isn't it interesting what each of us may look back at with curiosity or even longing? I too find pregnancy as amazing, and since I was in high school (and probably before that) longed to feel a child moving in me... It just seems so intimate and the bonding so complete. Now, the pain of childbirth scares me, but I believe all the moms out there that say it is nothing in comparison to being introduced to your child and the love that follows. I still have pangs of longing for the experience... but as you say, what matters is the child and the parenting, the rest is selfish. But, I do wish I'd had the experience.
I also missed all the baby sweet stuff and the cuddling and all those firsts that make you so excited. I missed all the little girl moments... The good news is that we skipped lugging all the baby gadgets and paraphernalia with us, skipped diapers (for the most part - we then taught 2 year old Sunday school for 4 years... so you get NASTY diapers there!) and some of the sleepless nights. You see, out daughter was placed with us when she was 8 years old. There were plenty of sleepless nights as she cried for her birth-mom or her siblings or because things were just so different (even though "I was her favorite.") We started off with board games and dance class. LOL And trying to give her all the toys she had missed out on. We also started with dyslexia and learning problems...
Anyhow there is beauty in how we became parents but I still didn't get to fulfill all those maternal longings I had. I still get teary eyed when I see babies (not so much anymore, but it still happens). I think it is maybe because I'm approaching 40 and I know that the biological clock is shutting down (shoot, realistically it was never there given my problems, but these things aren't always logical.) Yeah, sometimes I feel cheated. But many times I feel blessed. Blessed that we can radically change a young girl's life and give her a future. Blessed that a child would look at me and be excited that I was going to be her forever mommy (granted now at 14, in angry moments, she swears she never said that LOL.)
There are lots of difficult moments, beyond normal parenting (and it is hard to distinguish what is an adoption issue and what isn't sometimes). We are going to face all sorts of bad choices she's going to make because she didn't have consistent parenting when she was little (and reap the consequences of our parenting too).
I guess I'm just saying that we all get to make choices for ourselves. Some choices are made for us (in the case of my infertility) but I still got to pursue adoption. Even when we make the choices we make, I think it is normal to think "what if," even if it is a fleeting thought. When it becomes more than a fleeting thought, you probably need to take a step back, and really analyze why... and decide if it is a life changing thought. As a child-free person, you do have some choice (when you are a parent you can't go back! LOL).
I do think that there are some great pluses to not having kids, there are some equally great pluses to having them, and depending on your individual bent, you end up with your choice!
I don't think any of us can tell you what is right for you. We know what is right for us. And we may desperately want other women to feel the same kind of joy that fills us as parents and feel bad for women who miss out on it, but ultimately it isn't a way to look down on you, but instead a reflection of how much that mother loves being a parent and wants others to share that same kind of joy. Does that make sense?
I don't look at child-free couples any differently than I do couples with children. Of course, I think the natural inclination is to assume a married couple will have children because of the perspective you grow up with as a child (there are always kids in families!) I remember being confused when two people were married and there were no kids (ok, so I didn't understand about the husband-wife relationship) I also think growing up has changed my perspective about all relationships. Take any comments people give you with a grain of salt. Hopefully it is just a reflection of where they are at, and not truly looking down at you. I think for many, they just can't imagine that alternative and so it is a shock. Kind of like running into my family of 2 white parents with a Hispanic child... We get a lot of stares and even hostile people who tell us we are doing something very wrong. A lot of it is curiosity or trying to figure us out, or in the case of the hostility, not knowing us or what we do. I remember telling my daughter that people might not like us being a family and her response (at 9) was "Why not? We LOVE each other!"
Isn't it interesting what each of us may look back at with curiosity or even longing? I too find pregnancy as amazing, and since I was in high school (and probably before that) longed to feel a child moving in me... It just seems so intimate and the bonding so complete. Now, the pain of childbirth scares me, but I believe all the moms out there that say it is nothing in comparison to being introduced to your child and the love that follows. I still have pangs of longing for the experience... but as you say, what matters is the child and the parenting, the rest is selfish. But, I do wish I'd had the experience.
I also missed all the baby sweet stuff and the cuddling and all those firsts that make you so excited. I missed all the little girl moments... The good news is that we skipped lugging all the baby gadgets and paraphernalia with us, skipped diapers (for the most part - we then taught 2 year old Sunday school for 4 years... so you get NASTY diapers there!) and some of the sleepless nights. You see, out daughter was placed with us when she was 8 years old. There were plenty of sleepless nights as she cried for her birth-mom or her siblings or because things were just so different (even though "I was her favorite.") We started off with board games and dance class. LOL And trying to give her all the toys she had missed out on. We also started with dyslexia and learning problems...
Anyhow there is beauty in how we became parents but I still didn't get to fulfill all those maternal longings I had. I still get teary eyed when I see babies (not so much anymore, but it still happens). I think it is maybe because I'm approaching 40 and I know that the biological clock is shutting down (shoot, realistically it was never there given my problems, but these things aren't always logical.) Yeah, sometimes I feel cheated. But many times I feel blessed. Blessed that we can radically change a young girl's life and give her a future. Blessed that a child would look at me and be excited that I was going to be her forever mommy (granted now at 14, in angry moments, she swears she never said that LOL.)
There are lots of difficult moments, beyond normal parenting (and it is hard to distinguish what is an adoption issue and what isn't sometimes). We are going to face all sorts of bad choices she's going to make because she didn't have consistent parenting when she was little (and reap the consequences of our parenting too).
I guess I'm just saying that we all get to make choices for ourselves. Some choices are made for us (in the case of my infertility) but I still got to pursue adoption. Even when we make the choices we make, I think it is normal to think "what if," even if it is a fleeting thought. When it becomes more than a fleeting thought, you probably need to take a step back, and really analyze why... and decide if it is a life changing thought. As a child-free person, you do have some choice (when you are a parent you can't go back! LOL).
I do think that there are some great pluses to not having kids, there are some equally great pluses to having them, and depending on your individual bent, you end up with your choice!
I don't think any of us can tell you what is right for you. We know what is right for us. And we may desperately want other women to feel the same kind of joy that fills us as parents and feel bad for women who miss out on it, but ultimately it isn't a way to look down on you, but instead a reflection of how much that mother loves being a parent and wants others to share that same kind of joy. Does that make sense?
I don't look at child-free couples any differently than I do couples with children. Of course, I think the natural inclination is to assume a married couple will have children because of the perspective you grow up with as a child (there are always kids in families!) I remember being confused when two people were married and there were no kids (ok, so I didn't understand about the husband-wife relationship
) I also think growing up has changed my perspective about all relationships. Take any comments people give you with a grain of salt. Hopefully it is just a reflection of where they are at, and not truly looking down at you. I think for many, they just can't imagine that alternative and so it is a shock. Kind of like running into my family of 2 white parents with a Hispanic child... We get a lot of stares and even hostile people who tell us we are doing something very wrong. A lot of it is curiosity or trying to figure us out, or in the case of the hostility, not knowing us or what we do. I remember telling my daughter that people might not like us being a family and her response (at 9) was "Why not? We LOVE each other!" 
elliemom
Cathlete
I get why people want to have their own. In fact, being childless, I think the whole pregnancy experience is... fascinating, alluring even. It pains me that I'll never know THAT experience. Trouble is, almost nothing else about having kids is as appealing to me and a woman like that shouldn't have children. Nine months is barely a blink of an eye in a child's life and a woman should want a child for the child's sake, not for the experience of birthing.
I have 2 beautiful sons and am thankful everyday for them. But honestly, pregnancy was the absolute worst. I HATED every minute of it. I was sick, tired, diabetic, my belly button showed thru everything I wore. My feet and ankles, well let's just say KANKLES!!! I am 5'2 and weigh 114 and had a 9pound 4 ounce ONE MONTH PREMATURE baby. TWICE!!! I was wearing plus size clothing since maternity clothes no longer fit. I wore slippers to places because NOTHING else would fit on my feet.
People smelled, their breath and feet smelled, the bitch next store grilled chicken on the bbq everyday just to make me puke. Strangers touched me A LOT, and asked questions my own mother wouldn't ask. The idea of sex was REPULSIVE, The Sigourney Weaver alien like thing moving around under my skin, sticking a foot out for everyone to see, almost sent me to mental institute. Seiously, you didn't miss anything here. There were things coming out of orrifices that skeeeeeeeved me. TMI but, pre milk, vajayjay discharge, hemorrhoids etc etc etc
And I ended up with 2 c sections so after all that I never even got to know the dreaded pain of pushing a basketball out of a mouse hole!!!!! THANK GOD.
elliemom
elliemom
Cathlete
Elliemom, that was hysterical, and exactly how I picture pregnancy! I have a very candid friend that made sure to fill me in on the details during her pregnancy.
No one ever tells you the truth. And when people say how much they LOVE being pregnant, I just don't get it.
I fact, I kinda never talk to them again either...... elliemom
No one ever tells you the truth. And when people say how much they LOVE being pregnant, I just don't get it.
elliemom
I loved being pregnant, but had a tough time in the newborn phase with the sleepless nights. I always wished I could stay pregnant for an extra month or two and deliver a more mature baby!
Erica
Shani - your post was so beautiful. You, your husband and your daughter are so lucky to have found each other. I can't believe that anyone would have negative feelings towards your family because your daughter is different from you.
Erica
shanihib
Cathlete
Erica, they have a valid point (but lacking in my opinion): she has lost her cultural heritage. I just feel that she gained a lot more than she lost, and if you talk to most people of hispanic descent, by the third generation or so much of the old culture has been lost anyhow. Or at least that is what my hispanic coworkers tell me. It isn't unimportant, it just less important to me than a loving and stable home. They don't know all the particulars... And generally speaking if I approach them, after a short period of time they become friendly. LOL
It isn't unimportant, it just less important to me than a loving and stable home. They don't know all the particulars... And generally speaking if I approach them, after a short period of time they become friendly. LOL