Do any of you ever regret NOT having kids?

[Aquajock]

Chachi, your story was profoundly sobering and poignant. For almost 8 years I worked as a paralegal for a team of prosecutors of domestic violence cases (within a center that offered a wide array of services for domestic violence victims) and your own story was that of countless children I saw come in with their mothers seeking help . . . sometimes over and over and over again. It was the impact of domestic violence on the children, who were powerless to do anything being utterly dependent on their mothers, that had a great deal to do with my eventual burnout.

I personally am lucky that I had a fairly normal childhood, so the fact that I myself have never felt inclined to have children is an endogenous thing. The wide range of feelings about the subject on this thread has been interesting.

IMHO the current culture grossly overglamourizes parenthood in general and motherhood in particular, almost to fetish dimensions, and far too many people have totally unrealistic notions of the incredible demands of parenting when they conceive. Also IMHO, we are going through an incredible assault on women's reproductive freedom not just with the continual chipping away at access to abortion services but also access to birth control in general. I believe the Bush administration is quietly trying to slip in some federal requirement for hospitals to document that they WOULDN'T require their practitioners to provide treatment (including prescriptions) if said "treatment" went against their personal beliefs. That's always code for being anti-birth-control.

The choice is still ours, and no one has the right to criticize the choices.

A-Jock

 

[shanihib]

Wow.... lots here. I just wanted to comment on the not comparing animals to kids response to my post. I had to laugh. My furbabies *were* my babies before we had our daughter placed with us. No offense taken... I completely understand!

Chastity, sharing is a good thing. My daughter shares a lot of your past and the selfish person in me is hoping that she doesn't choose to go childfree just so that I can have grandbabies! Still, your decisions are ok for you! And I don't think everyone should be a parent. I know I wanted to be a mom since I was little... and now that we adopted, sometimes I wonder if I really was as great a mom as I thought I would be, or even if I truly should have been one! I think most parent second guess themselves that way as perhaps childfree women may at times second guess never having kids.

Sgabu

 

[melanalyus]

To be fair, I must post that I didn't read all the posts.

Just a quick note that I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom. I sometimes feel sad for those that don't want kids b/c I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom. It makes me sad that those that decide not to parent will not feel this same emotion....that I want to share.

Does that make sense?

Everyone has their reason for not wanting or wanting, but for me it's strong...maybe the way I'm wired.

 

[dorothyrd]

Thanks! Beavs, you are so right, everyone thinks that us child free folks have nothing to do and they have no respect for our time. It drives me crazy, yes I'm sure that folks with kids don't have as much time as we do but it is their choice. Again, I just don't get why people have kids.....

You don't "get" it until you have them. Mine are now on their way to being adults at 20 and 15. My daughter and I are very close, and I cannot imagine never having this relationship. My son is a great kid, and I am very proud of him. Life will be more lonely when they are out on their own, I will enjoy the freedom, but will miss them.

In case I sounded harsh, I would never judge someone for choosing to be childless, it is a very personal decision. It is just the about statement made ME feel a bit judged for having kids. It was probably not meant that way...hard to read into the written word.

 

[bmccartney]

Melanie, you took the words right out of my mouth!

 

[SirenSongWoman]

I don't have kids either - at 47 but I have never regretted it. Personally, I think I act and look much younger that most mothers my age. I heard people say that kids keep you young but I personally think not having kids keeps me young. I don't have to watch my language or what I watch on TV because it might be a bad influence on children. Plus I don't have to worry about them 24/7 which I think ages you and is a heck of a hard job. I can come and go as I please and take off at a moment's notice (not that I do but I could). I love children. When I'm with my friend's kids, I'm the only adult that is on the floor playing with them or outside in the yard playing catch. I'm still a kid at heart and can act like one and don't have to do the hard part of playing "mom". If I'm around a teenager, I consider them and think of them as my peers. Crazy...but I'm only responsible when I have to be and the rest of the time I'm still a kid.

Jean Louise

I think you're right about not aging as fast without kids but then I went and took that postal job. Talk about aging!

 

[SirenSongWoman]

There is a lot here that I agree with, and a lot that I don't agree with. I would say that the only generalization I feel I can make is that it is impossible to generalize about all parents or all childless people, just as you wouldn't be able to make assumptions about all women, all people of one race, etc. Everyone's experience is different.

Having said that, there is one thing I feel I must take issue with. Just because a child calls another stupid does not mean that said child learned it from a parent. My DD has been known to hiss "stupid" at her brother when she is angry at him and thinks that I am not listening, and she sure didn't pick that up from my DH or me. And there have been consequences to her behavior. You cannot always judge the parents by the isolated behavior of their children.

Maybe not in your family but, in the case I relayed, I've heard the mother use many terrible words against her children with alarming regularity. I live in a really bad neighborhood where pretty much every form of God-awful behavior is typical (like when the guy who used to live 2 doors down grabbed his wife by the hair and slammed her face-first into the car door). In this instance I can judge where the kids are getting it.

 

[SirenSongWoman]

Siren, I have a feeling Europeans discipline their children with a spanking here and there. My mom grew up in Italy and she feared the hand of her father, yet she loved him dearly. She knew when to behave and when to have fun. Even though that was "back in the day", I'm pretty sure Italians are pretty much the same way as they were before with disciplining their children. At least that's the jist I get when I talk to my cousin.

Interesting about the French. And I don't blame them, I hate also hate seeing unruly kids in public. There is not excuse for it.

You know, I was going to write "with the exception of Mediterranean countries..." because I know about Italy. I saw that mother box her son in the head in CINEMA PARADISO! D*mn!

 

[SirenSongWoman]

Okay…let me take a deep breath here. I’ve popped in & out of this thread today and have appreciated what has been written. I wasn’t going to contribute out of fear of getting too personal and sharing more info that some of you may want to know. After going through most of my day now completely consumed by my thoughts on this topic I realized that I need to do this.

I’m almost 33 and realized at a young age that I would not have children. My decision was influenced by my parents and my childhood.

My parents divorced when I was 5, my dad stayed in Miami and my mom moved us to Michigan where her family was. I saw my dad during the summers but we never built a strong emotional relationship, none of my siblings did. In fact we stayed with our grandpa during those summer months…he was more of a father to me. My mom met her SO when I was 6 and years later when I turned around 11-12 we moved, he changed jobs working days instead of afternoons (meaning he was around more). His true colors began to show and over a short period of time he became an abusive monster. I spent the next four years of my life in & out of shelters, and yes, my mom always went back. My older DS and DB left when they were 17 and moved to Miami. I always say that they were the lucky ones b/c they missed the worst of it. I however refused that option since I could not leave my younger DS behind alone. I was his main target and was abused physically and emotionally. I was okay with that in the sense that my little sister was safe and that’s all that mattered to me…protecting her. When I was almost 17 after another escape to a shelter w/ my mom and sister I made the decision to not go back with her again. It was an excruciating decision for me since I wanted to be with my sis to protect her but I stayed close enough to be able to still be a part of her life. I wanted to take her with me but I bounced around to a couple friends’ houses until I graduated and went to college. Amazingly, 5 yrs ago she left this SOB after 23 years…a little too late for me.

My mom may not have abused me herself but the fact that she was not strong enough to stand up for her children has made a profound effect on my outlook of being a great mom. I never had that maternal instinct or that longing to be a mom. I have nothing but admiration for those of you that have made the decision to become parents and have made that commitment to be the best parent you know how to be…there are never any guarantees. I guess I’m just not willing to take a risk like it’s some sort of personal experiment to see if I really am capable. I’ve heard so many people say, “Oh it’s different when you have your own kids.” Seriously I want to tear into those who have said that to me, my mother included, can you believe that!!

I guess I’ll stop there for now since I could continue to ramble on. I’ll never understand those who feel that not having children is a selfish choice…for me it’s the responsible choice. Like I always tell my DH when we get on this topic, “The last thing I want to do is screw up another human being.” By that I’m not implying that I have abusive tendencies just that I’m not emotionally confident in myself as a human being. That being said, how can I expect myself to raise confident, emotionally balanced children.

So help me God, I may not feel like parent material but if anyone touched my kid that motherfu**er would know he messed with the wrong mother's baby. I despise those lame women who are so terrified of loneliness they let a man hurt their kids. God, I HATE those women. It's the ultimate betrayal, to not protect your babies. If you'd been my kid he would have had a close encounter with my baseball bat!

 

[dorothyrd]

I think you're right about not aging as fast without kids but then I went and took that postal job. Talk about aging!

Interesting since most people guess me much younger than I am. I attribute that to working out and being fit.

 

[jodijodi]

Maybe not in your family but, in the case I relayed, I've heard the mother use many terrible words against her children with alarming regularity. I live in a really bad neighborhood where pretty much every form of God-awful behavior is typical (like when the guy who used to live 2 doors down grabbed his wife by the hair and slammed her face-first into the car door). In this instance I can judge where the kids are getting it.

Oh, now I understand. I couldn't tell from your post that you knew the kids and their mom. Yikes!

 

[SirenSongWoman]

Interesting since most people guess me much younger than I am. I attribute that to working out and being fit.

People think I'm a lot younger than I am (I get 35 a lot but I'm 47) BUT I have definitely noticed how fast the new hires develop gray hair and wrinkles. In fact, a bunch of us were sitting around talking about it one day because it's really alarming at our facility. But the place where I work is STRESS CENTRAL. I credit all the exercise and (mostly ) proper eating with helping me BREAK EVEN!

BTW, you sound like an AWESOME mom!

 

[Gypsy Wind]

Kids

To all who are undecided about having kids. I have one and we worked hard for him through years of fertility treatments. Yes, having kids is expensive and there are difficulties with growing up, but it's the most profoundly rewarding thing that could ever happen to a person. And until it does, there's no way to know this. A life of ease, comfort and little to worry about doesn't translate to the most rewarding life. That said, there are many people who don't want to be parents and the good thing is we all have the choice.

 

[celestialtimes]

To all who are undecided about having kids. I have one and we worked hard for him through years of fertility treatments. Yes, having kids is expensive and there are difficulties with growing up, but it's the most profoundly rewarding thing that could ever happen to a person. And until it does, there's no way to know this. A life of ease, comfort and little to worry about doesn't translate to the most rewarding life. That said, there are many people who don't want to be parents and the good thing is we all have the choice.

I think it's GREAT that you got what you wanted by having a child...but I don't think it makes those of us who don't/didn't want them less of a person because we chose not to have them.

I darn near had to raise my self. My Grandmother was always sick and if she wasn't she was off telling people I was attention...At 15, I was so tired of being put here, dropped off there, or made to feel unwelcome there...that I decided it was time to take care of me...and I did GREAT...had some rocky roads here and there...but I made it. It became my biggest desire to not be like my family and wow! My hard work paid off.

I was almost suicidal when my ex husband tried to push the let's have a baby issue...just one of the reasons he is an ex.

Sometimes, that GREATest gift of all is making a difference in someone elses life...young or old...friend or foe...

 

[Gypsy Wind]

Kids

Hi Celeste, agreed. It's the most wonderful thing for people who truly want it, are ready and can properly care for another human being.

 

[sparrow13]

To all who are undecided about having kids. I have one and we worked hard for him through years of fertility treatments. Yes, having kids is expensive and there are difficulties with growing up, but it's the most profoundly rewarding thing that could ever happen to a person. And until it does, there's no way to know this. A life of ease, comfort and little to worry about doesn't translate to the most rewarding life. That said, there are many people who don't want to be parents and the good thing is we all have the choice.

Well I am child-free by choice and I would make the argument that it is the most profoundly rewarding thing for SOME people, not everyone. One person's deep experience is another person's horror. After all, there are many thousands of examples of people who had children and hated every minute of it. With that in mind, I will once again reiterate how selfish I would be if I chose to have children in the hopes that I would love it after all. As you say, until it happens there's no way to know and I would never ever do that to a child.

And just for the record, I actually LIKE kids.

Sparrow

ETA: My post sounds crabby and I actually don't mean it to! Just commenting really. I really think it's wonderful that there are parents out there who love being parents.

 

[chachi]

A life of ease, comfort and little to worry about doesn't translate to the most rewarding life. That said, there are many people who don't want to be parents and the good thing is we all have the choice.

I must say that I'm a little offended by this statement. I wish that I lived in your world b/c my life has been one that is far from your description. Like I've already stated, I have nothing but respect for those of you that have taken on the responsibility of being a parent. All I ask in return is that you have the same respect for those who have not chosen that path. The fact that I do not have children does not label me as someone who is lazy and fancy free. My life is not all about me

 

[crazystepr]

I must say that I'm a little offended by this statement. I wish that I lived in your world b/c my life has been one that is far from your description. Like I've already stated, I have nothing but respect for those of you that have taken on the responsibility of being a parent. All I ask in return is that you have the same respect for those who have not chosen that path. The fact that I do not have children does not label me as someone who is lazy and fancy free. My life is not all about me

I've stayed away from this thread, but I have to comment on this one. I agree with Chachi in that I find the statement about childless people having a life of "comfort and ease" slightly offensive. That is just not true and it's quite judmental, in my opinion. No one should presume that anyone who does not have children (either by choice or nature) has a life of ease and comfort, has no worries, and lives footloose and fancy free.

 

[Dela]

Sparrow, you don't sound crabby at all!!! It's like you have written all my thoughts for me. I wish I could more eloquently explain my thoughts and feelings on "paper". But instead, I will just read yours and post in agreement!

Obviously, I don't have kids. I used to think I would have them, but that was more out of that thing where you think you are "supposed to." That it's just part of the game plan, get married, buy a house, have a kid. As I got older I guess I started to think about it too much, and it does not add up for me. I don't have that feeling of missing something.

This was a great thread, thank you to the original poster. It's nice to hear other people share my opinion, especially since it's not the popular or standard opinion. People really can give you a hard time for not having kids.

 

[Gypsy Wind]

Kids

To those who took offense, sorry about that. If you notice, my original message was a note of encouragement for those who were on the fence. Not for the childless by choice. Before my friends or I had kids, we thought that one of the consequences was giving up convenience, money, etc. and to a certain extent that's true. Anyway, it's an emotional topic and my apologies.