Do any of you ever regret NOT having kids?

[SirenSongWoman]

What I find interesting are the proclamations of those who do not have kids that they are "so glad" they never had them. That's okay, and I respect your decision and opinion, but to me, if you never had them, you don't know how whether you would have liked having them or not. Make sense?

I was never one for having kids. I never even considered it really. My DH and I had been married 5 years and I was 29 years old and we had this conversation about considering maybe we should have one. So, guess what happened? The very next month I was pregnant. If fact, I found out on my 30th birthday that I was pregnant.

I was scared, unsure and upset. But you know what... my son (who is now 21 years old) is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is the absolute joy of my life. He was an easy, happy, smart, funny child, and has grown into a wonderful adult. I can't believe he grew up as quickly as he did.

If I had never had him, I would still be one of the people who said they never wanted children and how glad I was that I didn't have them. How could I have known what I would miss? THAT is the scary part!

See, I get that. I never thought I COULD be a good mom but, since I would never have tried it alone, if I'd met a great guy and simply "gotten" pregnant... yea, I'd have been thrilled. If I met someone amazing tomorrow... though 47 is really risky for baby-making. I would think THAT's the best thing. The thing is there are no guarantees and I really wanted guarantees. I remember when I worked with a bunch of nurses in an Early Intervention program (I was a secretary and about age 33) and we talked about this. I said something like "I have to have a man in my life and until I do I can't consider making babies." All the women (older and more experienced) laughed at me. I got a lecture about "no guarantees" and how you can't count on the men always being around. All the women were either divorced or on their second marriages. I must admit, that kind of freaked me out, thinking about how I'd be able to do the job on my own.

But please don't feel judged. I quiz mom's all the time because it fascinates me. I used to work with a woman my age who'd had a horrible childhood but she married her husband before graduating from high school. They had three kids, the youngest would soon be in middle school. I asked her "Do you ever look around and say to yourself 'How did I get here?" and she was like "YES! All the time." We talked a lot and I think she thought I was over-romanticizing her life. She and her husband had such a cool life and even though her teenage daughter was a real pain in the butt (aren't they all?) it was the first time I really thought I'd made a mistake. But at the same time, I didn't think I could ever do a great job, like her. We all used to work in a big office and she'd talk to her kids every day on the phone (summer time). I'd here "Sammy! You better not have a bunch of kids in the house! Sammy, let me talk to Spencer.... What do you mean, he's down the street? Go get him... Sammy... Sammy... Don't make me have to come home..." The whole office would be smirking. I told her I envied her life and she told me she always wanted to be a mom and never regretted it but that it's A LOT of work." I said "Yea, but your kids will all be finished with high school when you're just hitting your 40s..." She said she used to regret starting with kids so early but was looking forward to reaping the rewards now. At the same time, another woman in our office had just found out she was pregnant... at 43. She thought she was done raising kids and was dreading chasing a toddler at her age. That made me think, too.

 

[Matiana]

This is a great thread, and quite the hot topic that can get rather violent so I applaud you all for keeping your cool.

Not everyone should have children. The problem with society is that everyone is expected to have children. As soon as you walk down the isle, the first question you hear is - So when are you going to have a baby? It is so ingrained in our psyche to breed, breed, breed! And then you do breed, and what do you hear – So when are you going to have another one? Honestly, where does it stop?

In my opinion too many people have children for the sake of having children. Not everyone is designed to parent. Just like not everyone is designed to be a dog/cat owner.

I applaud the woman who says, I want a child, I NEED a child in my life – this woman should have children. Whether stay at home moms, or moms juggling an occupation, they are willing to sacrifice so much of themselves to be mothers. And I’m certain many don’t even see it as a sacrifice. Being a mother makes them happy, this is what they were meant to be, this is want they want to be.

I applaud those women who say I don’t want children I don’t NEED children in my life. Those that make the realization that they don’t want to stay home, nor do they want to juggle work and children. Those that simply have no desire to have a child. There is no fibre in their being that is demanding a child.

I don’t think either party can fully explain that feeling to one another. The complete desire to have children, and the desire not to have them.

Personally I don’t want children. Not a single cell in me desires a child. I don’t think they are cute. They are time consuming. I don’t want to give up my life for a child (and yes, I would feel like I was giving it up). I like my freedom and that my life is all about me. Occasionally my boyfriend, friends and family take centre stage but on the whole it’s all about me and I like it like that. Now tell me, should I have a child? Should I be one of those people to have child simply because I get married? I think I’m smart enough to say, that clearly this isn’t the course of action for me. I don’t think enough people do that. How many times have I heard, I love my child but if I were to do it over again I wouldn’t. What does that say?

We are all not meant to be parents. My mom wanted kids so bad and she was the best dotting mom. My dad had no desire for kids and his parenting skills reflected that. I clearly take after my dad and the important thing is that I recognize that.

I think this world would be a better place if more people were really honest with themselves. I think too many people have kids but they don’t want to parent them. That’s why the rest of us get fed up with screaming and unruly children. I know there are good kids out there. I was one of them, and my mom parented me every second of her life. These types of mothers I tip my hat to. They are the definition of mother.

 

[NinjaMom]

Well, y'all will be happy to know it doesn't work like that in all families. I'm the only one who has kids in mine, and I'm the one who looked after my mom when she needed it. Oh, and my kid doesn't scream in the food court and she doesn't cost me a fortune

Sometimes I love being the exception to the rule.

Hey Shelley!

You're not alone. My kids (now 17 & 20) were never screaming monsters, didn't cost me an arm and a leg, and have dreams of making a difference in this world. My DD wants to go into nursing and my DS is majoring in psychology.

I applaud all you who choose not to have children. I do not think it is selfish but rather responsible for being true to yourself. But please don't make those of us feel guilty for having children thereby increasing the population & drawing on limited resources.

JJ

 

[jodijodi]

This is a great thread, and quite the hot topic that can get rather violent so I applaud you all for keeping your cool.

Not everyone should have children. The problem with society is that everyone is expected to have children. As soon as you walk down the isle, the first question you hear is - So when are you going to have a baby? It is so ingrained in our psyche to breed, breed, breed! And then you do breed, and what do you hear – So when are you going to have another one? Honestly, where does it stop?

In my opinion too many people have children for the sake of having children. Not everyone is designed to parent. Just like not everyone is designed to be a dog/cat owner.

I applaud the woman who says, I want a child, I NEED a child in my life – this woman should have children. Whether stay at home moms, or moms juggling an occupation, they are willing to sacrifice so much of themselves to be mothers. And I’m certain many don’t even see it as a sacrifice. Being a mother makes them happy, this is what they were meant to be, this is want they want to be.

I applaud those women who say I don’t want children I don’t NEED children in my life. Those that make the realization that they don’t want to stay home, nor do they want to juggle work and children. Those that simply have no desire to have a child. There is no fibre in their being that is demanding a child.

I don’t think either party can fully explain that feeling to one another. The complete desire to have children, and the desire not to have them.

Personally I don’t want children. Not a single cell in me desires a child. I don’t think they are cute. They are time consuming. I don’t want to give up my life for a child (and yes, I would feel like I was giving it up). I like my freedom and that my life is all about me. Occasionally my boyfriend, friends and family take centre stage but on the whole it’s all about me and I like it like that. Now tell me, should I have a child? Should I be one of those people to have child simply because I get married? I think I’m smart enough to say, that clearly this isn’t the course of action for me. I don’t think enough people do that. How many times have I heard, I love my child but if I were to do it over again I wouldn’t. What does that say?

We are all not meant to be parents. My mom wanted kids so bad and she was the best dotting mom. My dad had no desire for kids and his parenting skills reflected that. I clearly take after my dad and the important thing is that I recognize that.

I think this world would be a better place if more people were really honest with themselves. I think too many people have kids but they don’t want to parent them. That’s why the rest of us get fed up with screaming and unruly children. I know there are good kids out there. I was one of them, and my mom parented me every second of her life. These types of mothers I tip my hat to. They are the definition of mother.

Hey Shelley!

You're not alone. My kids (now 17 & 20) were never screaming monsters, didn't cost me an arm and a leg, and have dreams of making a difference in this world. My DD wants to go into nursing and my DS is majoring in psychology.

I applaud all you who choose not to have children. I do not think it is selfish but rather responsible for being true to yourself. But please don't make those of us feel guilty for having children thereby increasing the population & drawing on limited resources.

JJ

These are both very good posts...well said!!!

 

[TeTe]

Nope, absolutely no regrets.

 

[LuvExercise]

None at all. I know in my heart that it's not for me and I wouldn't want to bring children into this world to be proven right or wrong, that wouldn't be fair to either of us.

 

[autumn]

I just want to comment on a couple of things then I'll leave. I promise.

The earth is not at a loss for human life so it is purely to make parents happy, is that true? Or is that an unfair statement?

I didn't have a desire to be a mother until I was in my late 20s. I was working in OB at the time (so I'd witnessed a lot of labor and delivery), and the desire was just in my heart. As traditional as it sounds, and I'm more traditional now than I was 10 years ago, it is my "vocation". I didn't feel complete I guess. Matiana may have it right I can't fully explain my desire.

she never once said "you really should try this, it's great!"

I admit I'm a freak of nature but labor & delivery wasn't bad. I had #1 without meds. As the doc was repairing my episiotomy, I looked at DH and said I could do this again now.

Just a couple of comments that are not meant to sway anyone into having children...

1. You forget the pain. Otherwise nobody would ever have more than 1

2. Not all kids are screaming monsters, and if they are, that's the fault of the parents, not the children.

Agreed. I've met a few acceptions to #1. Yes, yes, yes to #2.

And then you do breed, and what do you hear – So when are you going to have another one? Honestly, where does it stop?

Oh gosh, I feel like an animal now. I don't breed, I (pro)create. It stops after #2 especially if you have one of each. And people aren't shy about expressing their opinions. "You are done, right." "You are going to get fixed, right?". Ummmm, fixed. Why? What is broke? Since we are expecting #3 these comments are more frequent. Now, "you two know what causes it don't ya?" has been added. Yep, we know and like it a lot asnd have no plans to stop.

Matiana ~ I agree with much of what you posted.

 

[celestialtimes]

DH and I are very very happy with our two doggies and each other. People keep asking us when we are going to have kids and neither of us have any desire to have them. Our friends that have kids seem miserable and tired... sorry parents you don't make it look at that fun. Kids are very expensive and a ton of work (obvious I know) plus with 6+ billion people on the planet and dwindling natural resources I don't really see the point. I do wonder if we will ever come to regret our decision in our golden years as some of our "friends" and family keep telling us. Do any of you regret not having kids?

Bless the folks who have children and take GREAT care of them...but shame on those who don't and unfortunately...I had the parents that didn't.

I've never had a desire to have kids. I'm 36. My ex husband thought he could change my mind about having kids and that was one of our biggest fights.

My husband that I recently married this March has 2 boys and really doesn't mind if we do or don't have kids...we have horses and dogs and they are our kids together.

People ask all the time if we're going to have kids...I tell them we do...I name his children first, then I name our horses and dogs...and then the foster kids (horses) on the farm that we take care of and say...isn't that enough.

From being in the foster care system myself as a kid...I know there are lots of children out there who would love a home with people that want them...I'd rather have one of them than to love than to have my own, when I'm ready...

 

[celestialtimes]

This is a great thread, and quite the hot topic that can get rather violent so I applaud you all for keeping your cool.

Not everyone should have children. The problem with society is that everyone is expected to have children. As soon as you walk down the isle, the first question you hear is - So when are you going to have a baby? It is so ingrained in our psyche to breed, breed, breed! And then you do breed, and what do you hear – So when are you going to have another one? Honestly, where does it stop?

In my opinion too many people have children for the sake of having children. Not everyone is designed to parent. Just like not everyone is designed to be a dog/cat owner. [/SIZE


I don’t think either party can fully explain that feeling to one another. The complete desire to have children, and the desire not to have them.

Personally I don’t want children. Not a single cell in me desires a child. I don’t think they are cute. They are time consuming. I don’t want to give up my life for a child (and yes, I would feel like I was giving it up). I like my freedom and that my life is all about me. Occasionally my boyfriend, friends and family take centre stage but on the whole it’s all about me and I like it like that. Now tell me, should I have a child? Should I be one of those people to have child simply because I get married? I think I’m smart enough to say, that clearly this isn’t the course of action for me. I don’t think enough people do that. How many times have I heard, I love my child but if I were to do it over again I wouldn’t. What does that say?


I think this world would be a better place if more people were really honest with themselves. I think too many people have kids but they don’t want to parent them. That’s why the rest of us get fed up with screaming and unruly children. I know there are good kids out there. I was one of them, and my mom parented me every second of her life. These types of mothers I tip my hat to. They are the definition of mother.

Very well stated Marta...and I'm glad I'm not a lone. I've never wanted children...I don't think they're cute either and I hate when people ask me, "isn't she/cute..." Um, no...but I would never say that to a mom...I usually fake gleaness to make them happy.

I have worked so hard to achieve my identity as me...and loosing the identity of being "oh, her mother is so in so...with a poor girl behind it...and I see so many folks become so and so's mom...or so and so's wife or girl friend. I see it all the time and that doesn't appeal to me. But I have a friend who has become like a sister to me...and she has just adopted a baby...and she no longer has an identity. She is only Georges wife, T's mom, or So and so's daughter...But she is completely happy with that...Her face beams with happiness...and I cringe when I hear it...But I'm so happy that after trying to have children for 18 years...she finally has what she wants...but don't ask me to baby sit.

 

[chachi]

Okay…let me take a deep breath here. I’ve popped in & out of this thread today and have appreciated what has been written. I wasn’t going to contribute out of fear of getting too personal and sharing more info that some of you may want to know. After going through most of my day now completely consumed by my thoughts on this topic I realized that I need to do this.

I’m almost 33 and realized at a young age that I would not have children. My decision was influenced by my parents and my childhood.

My parents divorced when I was 5, my dad stayed in Miami and my mom moved us to Michigan where her family was. I saw my dad during the summers but we never built a strong emotional relationship, none of my siblings did. In fact we stayed with our grandpa during those summer months…he was more of a father to me. My mom met her SO when I was 6 and years later when I turned around 11-12 we moved, he changed jobs working days instead of afternoons (meaning he was around more). His true colors began to show and over a short period of time he became an abusive monster. I spent the next four years of my life in & out of shelters, and yes, my mom always went back. My older DS and DB left when they were 17 and moved to Miami. I always say that they were the lucky ones b/c they missed the worst of it. I however refused that option since I could not leave my younger DS behind alone. I was his main target and was abused physically and emotionally. I was okay with that in the sense that my little sister was safe and that’s all that mattered to me…protecting her. When I was almost 17 after another escape to a shelter w/ my mom and sister I made the decision to not go back with her again. It was an excruciating decision for me since I wanted to be with my sis to protect her but I stayed close enough to be able to still be a part of her life. I wanted to take her with me but I bounced around to a couple friends’ houses until I graduated and went to college. Amazingly, 5 yrs ago she left this SOB after 23 years…a little too late for me.

My mom may not have abused me herself but the fact that she was not strong enough to stand up for her children has made a profound effect on my outlook of being a great mom. I never had that maternal instinct or that longing to be a mom. I have nothing but admiration for those of you that have made the decision to become parents and have made that commitment to be the best parent you know how to be…there are never any guarantees. I guess I’m just not willing to take a risk like it’s some sort of personal experiment to see if I really am capable. I’ve heard so many people say, “Oh it’s different when you have your own kids.” Seriously I want to tear into those who have said that to me, my mother included, can you believe that!!

I guess I’ll stop there for now since I could continue to ramble on. I’ll never understand those who feel that not having children is a selfish choice…for me it’s the responsible choice. Like I always tell my DH when we get on this topic, “The last thing I want to do is screw up another human being.” By that I’m not implying that I have abusive tendencies just that I’m not emotionally confident in myself as a human being. That being said, how can I expect myself to raise confident, emotionally balanced children.

 

[looking good]

Chastity,

First ((((Hugs))))!!!! It is amazing to me how other people can comment on other peoples decision and think they know the position they come from. Congrats on knowing what you want. You were probably more of MOM to your little sister than your Mom was.

Therese

 

[lainiefig]

But it made me wonder, I know spanking isn't generally accepted in most of Europe so what ARE they doing that Americans should be doing to raise well-behaved children?

Trust me, from what I saw (4 years living in Europe) their children are no better behaved than ours.

I just wanted to ask how you knew the little girl picked up the "stupid" comment from her mom? Kids have plenty of other places to learn that kind of thing.

Anyway, I think this is a subject that is pretty personal--so many reasons people don't have kids and so many reasons we do. I have 2 little boys. Before I decided to have my first, I was never one of those women who longed for motherhood and I often considered I wouldn't have them at all. However, the time came that both the hubby and I wanted one and fortunately we were able to conceive twice. I am pretty sure I'm done with just 2, though. I imagine if life had turned out differently I could have also been happy without any kids; I'm not one to be bothered by regrets. I don't figure I'll regret only having 2, either.

I don't judge those who don't have children (for whatever reason) and I hope those of you who do get judged can think of some snappy answers to people asking about it.

 

[chachi]

Chastity,

First ((((Hugs))))!!!! It is amazing to me how other people can comment on other peoples decision and think they know the position they come from. Congrats on knowing what you want. You were probably more of MOM to your little sister than your Mom was.

Therese

Thank you Therese, the tears started to flow reading that. I did the best I could and felt like I was forced into being a mom to my little sister. I resented my mom for that as well b/c I just wanted to be her big sis you know. It really changed the dynamic of our relationship. We worked hard to get to a place where I could relax a bit and she could open up and talk to me as a sister not an authority figure. Unfortunately our time was cut short since I lost her in August 2000. I'll always cherish those last few years we became very close..she became my best friend.

Gosh, sorry to be such a downer guys I need to go find a light-hearted thread.

 

[Poochy]

No kids .. 42 years of age .. married for 22 years now ... I do consider my dogs "my babies" ... neither of us ever wanted kids persay .. but I always thought I would end up having kids.

I do love kids .. and know w/o a doubt I would be a GREAT loving mother .. I have a nephew that I spoil rotten and I got to be there when he was welcomed into this world (thank you SIL) .. he is my God child and if (God forbid) anything were to happen to his parents I would step in and raise him as my own w/o a second thought!

However ... I have never had the overwhelming desire to give birth or have kids ... neither has my DH .. I have seen this desire in some of my best friends and nope .. never had it w/in me!! LOL

I am always met w/people who are so narrowminded as to think I dont like kids .. or I don't know how to be a mother must b/c I have not given birth (I know some people that have children that dont have a clue here) .. I think that if I were meant to have children I would KNOW it .. DH would KNOW it .. there is a reason why we dont have that inate desire to have kids ... and I trust in it and therefore no regrets!

We have a wonderful marriage .. we travel .. are adrenaline junkies ... and our lives are exactly where it should be.

I think it is a personal decision .. one based on your history .. on desire .. on what you personally want out of life ... I think life is what you make whether you have kids or dont!!

 

[Liann]

((((HUGS)))) to Chastity.

 

[celestialtimes]

Okay…let me take a deep breath here. I’ve popped in & out of this thread today and have appreciated what has been written. I wasn’t going to contribute out of fear of getting too personal and sharing more info that some of you may want to know. After going through most of my day now completely consumed by my thoughts on this topic I realized that I need to do this.

I’m almost 33 and realized at a young age that I would not have children. My decision was influenced by my parents and my childhood.

My parents divorced when I was 5, my dad stayed in Miami and my mom moved us to Michigan where her family was. I saw my dad during the summers but we never built a strong emotional relationship, none of my siblings did. In fact we stayed with our grandpa during those summer months…he was more of a father to me. My mom met her SO when I was 6 and years later when I turned around 11-12 we moved, he changed jobs working days instead of afternoons (meaning he was around more). His true colors began to show and over a short period of time he became an abusive monster. I spent the next four years of my life in & out of shelters, and yes, my mom always went back. My older DS and DB left when they were 17 and moved to Miami. I always say that they were the lucky ones b/c they missed the worst of it. I however refused that option since I could not leave my younger DS behind alone. I was his main target and was abused physically and emotionally. I was okay with that in the sense that my little sister was safe and that’s all that mattered to me…protecting her. When I was almost 17 after another escape to a shelter w/ my mom and sister I made the decision to not go back with her again. It was an excruciating decision for me since I wanted to be with my sis to protect her but I stayed close enough to be able to still be a part of her life. I wanted to take her with me but I bounced around to a couple friends’ houses until I graduated and went to college. Amazingly, 5 yrs ago she left this SOB after 23 years…a little too late for me.

My mom may not have abused me herself but the fact that she was not strong enough to stand up for her children has made a profound effect on my outlook of being a great mom. I never had that maternal instinct or that longing to be a mom. I have nothing but admiration for those of you that have made the decision to become parents and have made that commitment to be the best parent you know how to be…there are never any guarantees. I guess I’m just not willing to take a risk like it’s some sort of personal experiment to see if I really am capable. I’ve heard so many people say, “Oh it’s different when you have your own kids.” Seriously I want to tear into those who have said that to me, my mother included, can you believe that!!

I guess I’ll stop there for now since I could continue to ramble on. I’ll never understand those who feel that not having children is a selfish choice…for me it’s the responsible choice. Like I always tell my DH when we get on this topic, “The last thing I want to do is screw up another human being.” By that I’m not implying that I have abusive tendencies just that I’m not emotionally confident in myself as a human being. That being said, how can I expect myself to raise confident, emotionally balanced children.

OH chastity...HUGS...I do know your pain...in a different way...but it all boils the soul the same way.

 

[jloewe]

These are some pretty powerful threads, takes alot of courage to post such strong sentiments, I applaud all of you for that.

I myself do not regret my decision for one second. The very fact that depression runs in my family, and I carry the gene is more than enough reason for me.

 

[jodijodi]

Chastity (((hugs))) to you. What a story...I also do not understand how people can say that not having children is selfish. It is important to know yourself and what you want out of life, and if children are not part of that, then it's important to be true to yourself and your feelings.

 

[chachi]

Thanks for the many hugs, they're are appreciated more than I can express. I must admit though that I'm a bit embarrassed now about everything I shared I've done a good job of keeping my feelings bottled up (except for with my DH..poor guy).

 

[celestialtimes]

Thanks for the many hugs, they're are appreciated more than I can express. I must admit though that I'm a bit embarrassed now about everything I shared I've done a good job of keeping my feelings bottled up (except for with my DH..poor guy).

Don't be embarrassed...Someone may have read this thread and walked away with a whole new attitude because of what is written here.

And someone else with a story such as your own may be feeling a lone in the world because they may have experienced something very similar and it's always nice to know that your not a lone.

A few years ago...I was having some serious issues with my mom...and I read this book called Motherless Daughters...it was the best piece of information I ever read.

Sometimes, posting or even telling someone these helps your heart and sometimes it brings information you never thought of that will help you in the future or even now.

Don't ever be embarrassed by what your family did, be proud that you survived and have made a difference in your sisters life and probably, without knowing it, someone else's just by having your back ground.