Do any of you ever regret NOT having kids?

[janie1234]

I would regret it if I DIDN'T have kids. My kids complete me. And quite frankly there is something about their laughs that make is so worth giving up all the free time I had as a single person.

 

[sparrow13]

Gypsywind, I didn't take offense. After all, many of use who are CFBC commented that we enjoy our peace and quiet and leisure time and ability to do what we want when we want, within reason. And that freedom is definitely something that I like. I took your comment in the spirit of that, not that you were assuming that everyone without kids was sitting on their yacht sipping drinks with umbrellas all day. After all, we all know people without kids who are just as busy as people with kids, albeit in a different way sometimes. Let's face it, we are ALL busy these days, singletons, marrieds, parents, we're all running around with not enough hours in the day!

Sparrow

 

[TexasMama]

I'm 33 and have one DS. I think having kids or not having them is a personal decision no one should question. I remember once someone said to me, "If anyone ever asks you and your DH when you're going to start a family, tell them, 'We already have. DH and I are a family.' " I thought that was a lovely thought!

For me personally, it was never a question of whether I wanted kids. My mother died when I was 2 years old, and, growing up, I always felt a real yearning for that Mother-Child relationship. I figured my only way of getting to experience that for myself was to be the mother, KWIM? Having said that, if I hadn't met my DH I doubt that I would have ever had kids. I come from a place where most people are married by 23 or so, and once I hit the ripe old age of 25 (I'm not kidding), people started telling old maid jokes. So, I started dating someone I didn't have any real feelings for, and, even after I confided in people that I was miserable, many of them still thought we should just get married. Can you believe that?!? Fortunately, I had the good sense to stop listening to the people who apparently wanted to run my life. Just when I'd decided I would be just fine alone, thank you very much, along came my future DH, and my life changed forever (for the better).

DS will probably be our only child. After a series of miscarriages and thousands of dollars spent on fertility testing and treatments, whether or not we have another kid is now entirely in the hands of God. The hard part for me has been letting go of the dream for another one. But DS is surely gift enough for me, even though there are days when I have to work hard to maintain my patience. At the same time, I realize that there is certainly more to life than motherhood, and I've never understood why a woman's worth should be determined by her status as either a wife or a mother. Personally, I'm glad I didn't rush into either marriage or motherhood and had my twenties to be an adult without being responsible for the welfare of another life. It's good to find out who you really are first, before another little person comes into the picture.

As I mentioned above I'd support just about any public campaign that encouraged parents to teach their kids to be QUIET in public. I remember clearly my mom teaching us that there is a time and place for loud voices and high energy, and it wasn't the library, the nice restaurant, the grocery store or the movie theatre. These days every where you go there are children being unbearably loud and the parents just sit there and let them disrupt everyone else.

To parents who have the patience and are getting the job done, and done well, kudos.

Sparrow

Sparrow, I agree with you about teaching your kids to be quiet and well behaved in public. I just wanted to add one thing. No kid is perfect all the time. My DS is 3, and we definitely went through a tantrum phase. It wasn't all the time, and most of the time he was (and is) really good. But they don't call em the terrible twos and trying threes for nothing. I endured plenty of timeouts in public places and trips back to the car during this time. I finally learned all the quiet places with chairs in my favorite stores, and that's where we went for timeouts (the patio furniture section in Target is great for this because it's in the corner and there usually aren't many people). Sometimes, when you see a small child acting up in a public place, it's not because the parents aren't trying. It's just that there's not always a quick fix, and some things take a lot of effort and consistency before you start to get results. Thankfully, DS seems to have come out the other side of that phase and is now pretty easy to take anywhere. What I hate is when the kid is acting up and the parent just does nothing at all. That's not progress. What I tell my DS in trying moments (after he's been disciplined, of course) is that nobody's perfect but, "I'll try harder if you will."

 

[jlsahli]

This was a great thread, thank you to the original poster. It's nice to hear other people share my opinion, especially since it's not the popular or standard opinion. People really can give you a hard time for not having kids.

Thanks Dela! And to everyone else that contributed to this thread. The child free are definitely in the minority and it can be rough which is why I sometimes feel like I'm second guessing myself. I truly know that kids are not for me but the comments I get can be so harsh and cruel sometimes it amazes me. For those of you that found offense in my "I don't understand why people have kids comment?" I can't tell you how many times people have said to me, well, why aren't you having kids what's wrong with you? You will come to your senses soon. You have to have kids, that's what you do after you get married. Who is going to take care of you when you get old... and on and on and on. For those of you with children that's great, but remember it is your choice and nobody has to have children, so don't condemn us for not adding to the world's ever growing population problem. The main reason I posted this was because I felt alone in my decision and started second guessing myself (after another what's wrong with you comment) I can't thank you other child free folks enough, you made me feel so much better (((hugs))) to all of you.

 

[celestialtimes]

I would regret it if I DIDN'T have kids. My kids complete me. And quite frankly there is something about their laughs that make is so worth giving up all the free time I had as a single person.

I can say the same thing about the 24 horses I have on the farm at this minute. Each one has their own unique personality...their own unique whinny or grown...my horse could never Whinny...EVER. They each have their own walk or way they stand...even the way they look at you...they even get made and you can tell what plucks their nerve.

I devote my time to these horses and you know what...there's never enough time in a day for everyone. I make plans to ride a couple here and there and you know what...I don't get to do all that I do.

I work a full time job in the sailing industry, although, that's about to change here soon...and then the hour long commute each way to get there...oh and lets not forget making time for my husband....and family...once in a while we have friends over.

That whinny that I so enjoy is that childs laugh you enjoy...and I would bet that horsey whinny at 3 o clock in the morning wouldn't excite you as much as it has me...just because we are different people. our wants and desires are different, which is why we are so uniqe...as individuals.

I've slept in stalls with horses when they are sick...I've whipped horse butts when they've had the runs...I've sucked out snot with a syringe thingy for a horse with a really bad cold...walked a horse around most of the night till it was time to go to work because they had colic...no different than the things you do for your kids and that is so very fulfilling to me.

As far as free time...bahhhhhaaaa...I forget what day it is because sometimes...they all just sort of roll together.

Even when i was single...I had horses...not this many...but...just as many responsibilities.

 

[LaughingWater]

Celeste, I've pulled the all-nighter with my dog too, fretting over him like I do with my human kids. Really, the only difference between him and the two girls:

a) He'll never need college money

and

b) He'll never vote.

 

[celestialtimes]

Lori,

Isn't that the truth...your funny laura...I never thought about the Voting thing...The horses do have to go to school...not college...but geez their training can sometimes be down right expensive.

I also have 2 dogs and my husband gets so mad...My dog can cough or have a breathing fit and I'll wake up right away...he can be in the bed gagging or coughing and I don't budge...

 

[jacqued]

For those of you with children that's great, but remember it is your choice and nobody has to have children, so don't condemn us for not adding to the world's ever growing population.

I've stayed out of this thread but felt the need to say something here. I totally understand and respect your decision not to have kids. What bothers me about all your posts on this subject is your remarks about "adding to the world's growing population problem". You may not realize you're doing it but I feel like you're being judgmental to those who have decided to have children by saying we're contributing and adding to the problem of overpopulation by our decision to have children.

Jacque
(Proud mother of 3 children)

 

[jlsahli]

The point is society looks down upon those without children, as I've said before people ask what's wrong with me, or I get the sympathetic head tilt followed by oh really, why not? The child free are not impacting anyone, we aren't being selfish to anybody so cut us some slack. Currently the world's population is 6+ billion in 80 years it project to be 1 trillion. Geez, rush hour is bad now, I can't imagine with 80 trillion folks on the planet I'm going to go out on a limb here but I'm going to say that yes, having kids does increase the world's population. You are right though, I probably shouldn't have mentioned that since it really isn't the point of this thread.

 

[JennieR]

To all who are undecided about having kids. I have one and we worked hard for him through years of fertility treatments. Yes, having kids is expensive and there are difficulties with growing up, but it's the most profoundly rewarding thing that could ever happen to a person. And until it does, there's no way to know this. A life of ease, comfort and little to worry about doesn't translate to the most rewarding life. That said, there are many people who don't want to be parents and the good thing is we all have the choice.

Wow, that's kinda harsh don't ya think? So, those of us that don't want kids, that makes us less of a person? WOW.

 

[cheval]

I feel like I'm a fairly balanced, good person. There are lots of reasons I don't want kids. Some of them are selfish and some of them aren't.

I can tell you I'm a much better aunt without my own kids. I can dote on the nieces and nephews and many of them feel like they're my favorite (only DH knows my real favorites ) because I'm not focused on my own kids when I'm around them.

I love spending time with them and as the 2 girls that live closest get older, I'm doing more and more with them and delighted watching them grow into their own person.

I was even present this past week when the 6-year-old started to read. She had never read before. Talk about tear-jerking, cool stuff! Whenever I rethink having kids, those moments will totally do it.

April

ETA: Jennie, congrats on being smoke-free since 2-5-08!!!!!

 

[Lean Lori]

A few of the posts on this thread are really irritating me for some reason.

If I posted the same sort of negative comments about having pets as some of you have posted about having children, I am sure I would get a FLAMING from this board.

I don't care what other people do with their reproductive organs, it's none of my business. If you are happy with your choice, then that is great! But to say that you don't understand why people would want kids/they're brats/parents always look cranky, is just as ignorant as the people who say they don't understand why people don't want children.

As you can see from my avatar I am a mom of two. My girls have brought more joy and laughter in my life than I ever thought possible. I hope that everyone (kids or not) has something in their life that bring them that kind of happiness.

OK, I'm done rambling now, carry on...

 

[Stephanie0523]

Unfortunately, there is sooo much pressure (mainly from the in-laws who have been hinting that the family name dies with my DH) in regards to the whole having a child thing, that I have become quite resentful over it. Oh, and to the poster who asked "isn't anyone afraid of the pain?" - ME, ME, ME!!!!

Well, I can tell you that I adore being a mom and will be one for the third time this Thursday (if not sooner). But what Liann said about the pressure is SO right. We waited three years into our marriage to start our family. We would have waited longer if we hadn't wanted three kids, but we didn't want to face any fertility issues... etc. So, only three years, and our parents drove us nuts. My dad always would say, "I wish you'd give me a grandchild before I die." Nice, dad. So, we gave them their grandchild, and it was, "When are you having another child?" Now that we're having a third, they are a bit taken aback, I think. I've gotten subtle signs from both sides of the family that two was all they thought a person should have. So, the judgments never stop. What's important is that you do what your heart tells you to do, not society or conventional thinking. My Dh and I are kids at heart, we enjoy reliving our childhood through our kiddos. We have a very strong marriage, but we both felt that ache for kids, and the kids completed us. And everyday I am thankful that God gave me boys so that the world will have three more men like my DH, who is so amazing. That said, I think it's so cool that married people also opt not to have kids. That decision takes just as much thought and devotion as the decision to HAVE kids. The world would be so boring if we all lived the same lives.

As for the pain, you silly girls... Don't let THAT be the reason!!! When people say that you forget the pain when you see your baby, yes, they are lying. You don't forget the pain, but that baby justifies it. The pain, c-section scar, stretchmarks, etc. are transformed from dreaded annoyances into badges of honor. Believe me, I wouldn't have done it three times if it hadn't been worth it!!

 

[LaughingWater]

Upon meeting a friend's girlfriend, she asked me, "Do you have any children?"

I said, "Yes, 2. What about you?" (I figured she initiated it...)

She said, "No."

So I replied, "Can I come home with you?!"

I found out later that she was in her 40s and wanted children very badly but it just hadn't happened for her yet. Looking back, I hope what I said was funny and not perceived in a negative way. I don't want to be one of those who give the sympathetic head tilt and mumble something dopey like, "Oh...okay."

All of you CBCers, what would you rather people say when you say, "No, no kids" whenever the subject comes up in a conversation? I often joke like I did with my friend's girlfriend because 1) I don't want to say, "Oh, good for you!" for fear it would sound condescending (but I really mean it...I think it's a great choice) and 2) I really do want to go home with you guys...please?!

 

[sparrow13]

Sparrow, I agree with you about teaching your kids to be quiet and well behaved in public. I just wanted to add one thing. No kid is perfect all the time. My DS is 3, and we definitely went through a tantrum phase. It wasn't all the time, and most of the time he was (and is) really good. But they don't call em the terrible twos and trying threes for nothing. I endured plenty of timeouts in public places and trips back to the car during this time. I finally learned all the quiet places with chairs in my favorite stores, and that's where we went for timeouts (the patio furniture section in Target is great for this because it's in the corner and there usually aren't many people). Sometimes, when you see a small child acting up in a public place, it's not because the parents aren't trying. It's just that there's not always a quick fix, and some things take a lot of effort and consistency before you start to get results. Thankfully, DS seems to have come out the other side of that phase and is now pretty easy to take anywhere. What I hate is when the kid is acting up and the parent just does nothing at all. That's not progress. What I tell my DS in trying moments (after he's been disciplined, of course) is that nobody's perfect but, "I'll try harder if you will."

Thanks for your thoughts, Texasmama. I don't disagree at all; there are times when a parent can't do anything with an upset child. Believe me, I have no patience for people who give parents dirty looks on planes or trains, when their infant or young child is crying. What is the parent supposed to do, step out on the tracks or wing? And, I know there are great kids out there. My niece and nephews are great, and so are their friends. I love taking them out because they are fun and polite and never any behavior issues. I guess my frustration with kids in public just mainly stems from the fact that other than porno houses and bars there do not seem to be any more "adults only" public spaces.

Also, and this is a general statement, not directed at Texasmama, I do think that parents don't realize how marginalized child-free people sometimes feel. I don't blame them for it, it's just a frame of reference they understandably don't have. And, if I may speak frankly, it's a conversation that is often difficult to have with parents because - and I am generalizing from my own experience here - they tend to get very defensive when they realize that you are child-free not because of lack of men or fallopian tubes but by choice. The only answers that are acceptable are medical or manless or a vague "Oh it's not for me." If you are honest about it - don't like kids, don't want the hassle, concerned about population growth, the environment - then you are being ugly and rude and are probably a selfish, bitter person who secretly wishes to be a mom. There's a huge double standard there. I can be asked all manner of impertinent questions about my status but when I respond honestly, I'm attacking parents. I can't tell you the number of times I've been told "well I just can't understand why a woman wouldn't want children." Can you imagine if I went around saying that to parents at parties or at work? "I just don't get it. WHY did you want children?" And while the Cathe population may find BOTH questions offensive - we are clearly superior specimens - I can promise you that the world at large does NOT see them the same way.

Sparrow

 

[JennieR]

ETA: Jennie, congrats on being smoke-free since 2-5-08!!!!!

Thank you.

 

[kathryn]

No regrets here. And very little desire ever to have (human) children (though there was a short time when I returned to the US after a year in France when I for some reason I had a surge of maternal instinct).

I do think two of the saddest things possible are 1) someone who doesn't want children who is pressured into having them and 2) someone who really wants to be a mother and never has children (though I never really understood why some feel the need to birth their own, and don't see adoption as an option).

Props to those who are good parents and who are raising their children to be good people.

 

[TexasMama]

Thanks for your thoughts, Texasmama. I don't disagree at all; there are times when a parent can't do anything with an upset child. Believe me, I have no patience for people who give parents dirty looks on planes or trains, when their infant or young child is crying. What is the parent supposed to do, step out on the tracks or wing? And, I know there are great kids out there. My niece and nephews are great, and so are their friends. I love taking them out because they are fun and polite and never any behavior issues. I guess my frustration with kids in public just mainly stems from the fact that other than porno houses and bars there do not seem to be any more "adults only" public spaces.



Sparrow

Sparrow, I think we agree on a lot of things. I agree that there should be more adult friendly places for people. Not that kids should be banned per se, but my pet peeve is people who bring babies to the movies. Yes, I know new mothers need a break, too, but for pete's sake, do you not realize that other people can hear that baby crying? Once, DH and I went to see Wedding Crashers, and a mother came in and sat right by us with a seven-year-old or thereabouts little girl. Yes, she was old enough to know how to behave, but I felt kind of weird sitting next to a second grader during the nude scenes and sexual innuendo. I don't feel bad about taking DS to family restaurants, but I wouldn't take him to a gourmet bistro or something really high class and romantic. Believe me, I, too, want to have a place to go when DH and I get a date night, and it isn't Chuckie Cheese!

I am sorry that you feel marginalized, and I agree that it is totally unfair. If I'd never had kids, I think I would still have had a very fulfilling life. Mother Theresa never had kids, and no one doubts her contribution to humanity. Neither did Condoleeze Rice, Oprah Winfrey, Jane Austen, Marilyn Monroe, Gertrude Stein, or Dorothy Parker. All great women, yes?

 

[DeanaMax]

I'm 36 with no children and don't plan on having children. I have no regrets. I applaud all the moms out there for their dedication and I'm sure it's very rewarding. It's just not for me, at least not right now. Come to think of it, I never even liked playing with dolls.

 

[celestialtimes]

I'm 36 with no children and don't plan on having children. I have no regrets. They look like a lot of work!!!, lol.. I applaud all the moms out there for their dedication and I'm sure it's very rewarding. It's just not for me. I'm not very maternal. Come to think of it, I never even liked playing with dolls.

Me neither...

I'm also proud to say I flunked the sewing side of home economics...