Do any of you ever regret NOT having kids?

[ColoradoSooner]

I know I'm a little late getting in on this post but...

I'm 41 and my DH and I have been together since we were 18. Got married when we were 25. Neither one of us has ever wanted children and we're both very happy with that decision. Sometimes I'm around people with children, even if they're good children, and I think "I am SO glad we didn't have kids." The whole concept seems as foreign to me as living in the South Pole.

It's not that I don't like children. For years, I worked for a children's non-profit and I have a 3 year old niece whom I utterly adore. And I truly admire my friends who have made the choice to be parents and are doing it well.

But the thing is, I feel like every child should be really, REALLY wanted. I don't think anyone should bring a child into the world just because they think they ought to or society or their family expects it. Too many children suffer the consequences of being born into a situation where they weren't wanted.

My DH and I absolutely love our lives and it's hard to imagine a child being a part of it. Some people may think that's selfish, and maybe it is. But we're happy, and in the end, isn't that what matters?

 

[shanihib]

But the thing is, I feel like every child should be really, REALLY wanted. I don't think anyone should bring a child into the world just because they think they ought to or society or their family expects it. Too many children suffer the consequences of being born into a situation where they weren't wanted.

Well said. Not everyone should be a parent, and not everyone should be without! Umm... if they weren't there'd be no more people... LOL (Just realized how stupid the last statement was! ROFL)

 

[SuzMax]

I'm jumping into this really late, but...

I'm 46 and have no kids. I didn't get married until I was 30, after I finished college and grad school. I always thought I would have kids. I never got pregnant. We decided not to do fertility stuff, figuring if it was meant to be it would. DH was fine either way, if we had them or didn't. He wasn't as "gung ho" about kids as I was. We never adopted for that reason. I believe you both need to really be on board for that one! Same with being foster parents.

What really bothers me:

1) People assume that since I don't have kids I'm a dumb@ss.
2) People assume that since I don't have kids I should become a foster parent to some kids who are really messed up and need a home and need my love. I understand that these children need somebody and I feel just terrible for them, but why should I be the one who should take them in just because I wasn't able to have kids of my own??? Those children need very special parents and I know myself well enough to know that I am definitely not that person.
3) People calling me selfish for not having kids when they don't even know the reason why I don't have kids. And even if it were my choice (which it partially is because I could have tried fertility treatments), they still have no right.

I am very happy with the way my life has turned out. I can't even imagine my life with kids now. 99% of the time I am very happy that I didn't have kids and I couldn't always say that. Every once in awhile someone will make me feel awful about not having kids and I can't explain it. But it's super duper rare and it eventually passes. It's not so much that I want kids, it's more the person and maybe their life??? Or like yesterday at the store I saw the perfect looking little family and for a fleeting moment...but that was their life and not my life (not that I knew them or anything about their life, but I pretended like I did).

Finally, and I'm sure I'll get flamed for this one, but this thread was started for all of us who don't have kids and whether or not we regret not having kids. When I started reading all of the posts, I assumed it was a "safe" place for us since we are judged enough by the rest of the world. It was unfortunate for me to see so many moms on here feeling like they were being attacked. This thread was clearly for people without kids to talk about whether or not they regret not having them. For moms to come on here and get offended was just a little ridiculous. When you don't have kids, you have NO IDEA what we go through out there FOR YEARS, so for us to have this place to come to talk about it was a warm welcome. I feel like some of the same exact things were being said to us here that had been said out there about why we should have kids. YEAH, WE KNOW ALL THAT! We've heard it all. TRUST US!

 

[SirenSongWoman]

I get why people want to have their own. In fact, being childless, I think the whole pregnancy experience is... fascinating, alluring even. It pains me that I'll never know THAT experience. Trouble is, almost nothing else about having kids is as appealing to me and a woman like that shouldn't have children. Nine months is barely a blink of an eye in a child's life and a woman should want a child for the child's sake, not for the experience of birthing.

I have 2 beautiful sons and am thankful everyday for them. But honestly, pregnancy was the absolute worst. I HATED every minute of it. I was sick, tired, diabetic, my belly button showed thru everything I wore. My feet and ankles, well let's just say KANKLES!!! I am 5'2 and weigh 114 and had a 9pound 4 ounce ONE MONTH PREMATURE baby. TWICE!!! I was wearing plus size clothing since maternity clothes no longer fit. I wore slippers to places because NOTHING else would fit on my feet.

People smelled, their breath and feet smelled, the bitch next store grilled chicken on the bbq everyday just to make me puke. Strangers touched me A LOT, and asked questions my own mother wouldn't ask. The idea of sex was REPULSIVE, The Sigourney Weaver alien like thing moving around under my skin, sticking a foot out for everyone to see, almost sent me to mental institute. Seiously, you didn't miss anything here. There were things coming out of orrifices that skeeeeeeeved me. TMI but, pre milk, vajayjay discharge, hemorrhoids etc etc etc

And I ended up with 2 c sections so after all that I never even got to know the dreaded pain of pushing a basketball out of a mouse hole!!!!! THANK GOD. :eek
elliemom

Yet another lovely fantasy down the crapper.


LOL. You know, I love wind chimes which I made the mistake of telling my (late) mother. She went on a ten-minute tirade about the time she was pregnant and the neighbor's wind chimes kept her from getting ANY sleep. She pretty much felt that people who had them should be executed. Then, when I got a house, I had to hear all about it again after she found out I had that dreaded porch accessory. Other than that, my mother had two children with her first husband and two with her second (I was the last one). She said all four pregnancies (except for the wind chime mess) and deliveries were a snap, "like having kittens" she said. They say easy births tend to run in families and, if it was easy for my mom it should have been easy for me... Oh well.

 

[celestialtimes]

I'm jumping into this really late, but...

I'm 46 and have no kids. I didn't get married until I was 30, after I finished college and grad school. I always thought I would have kids. I never got pregnant. We decided not to do fertility stuff, figuring if it was meant to be it would. DH was fine either way, if we had them or didn't. He wasn't as "gung ho" about kids as I was. We never adopted for that reason. I believe you both need to really be on board for that one! Same with being foster parents.

What really bothers me:

1) People assume that since I don't have kids I'm a dumb@ss.
2) People assume that since I don't have kids I should become a foster parent to some kids who are really messed up and need a home and need my love. I understand that these children need somebody and I feel just terrible for them, but why should I be the one who should take them in just because I wasn't able to have kids of my own??? Those children need very special parents and I know myself well enough to know that I am definitely not that person.
3) People calling me selfish for not having kids when they don't even know the reason why I don't have kids. And even if it were my choice (which it partially is because I could have tried fertility treatments), they still have no right.

I am very happy with the way my life has turned out. I can't even imagine my life with kids now. 99% of the time I am very happy that I didn't have kids and I couldn't always say that. Every once in awhile someone will make me feel awful about not having kids and I can't explain it. But it's super duper rare and it eventually passes. It's not so much that I want kids, it's more the person and maybe their life??? Or like yesterday at the store I saw the perfect looking little family and for a fleeting moment...but that was their life and not my life (not that I knew them or anything about their life, but I pretended like I did).

Finally, and I'm sure I'll get flamed for this one, but this thread was started for all of us who don't have kids and whether or not we regret not having kids. When I started reading all of the posts, I assumed it was a "safe" place for us since we are judged enough by the rest of the world. It was unfortunate for me to see so many moms on here feeling like they were being attacked. This thread was clearly for people without kids to talk about whether or not they regret not having them. For moms to come on here and get offended was just a little ridiculous. When you don't have kids, you have NO IDEA what we go through out there FOR YEARS, so for us to have this place to come to talk about it was a warm welcome. I feel like some of the same exact things were being said to us here that had been said out there about why we should have kids. YEAH, WE KNOW ALL THAT! We've heard it all. TRUST US!

Wow! SuzMax, that was very well said. Thank you!

I can't tell you how many people ask me in a week when we are having kids.

My husband and I have both been married 2 times. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage...I have accepted them and treat them as family...cuz they are and they are just fortunate to have an added person who cares about them. I don't but in their life, I partake of their life, when we are able because the ex wife makes it really hard for us to see them. Even for hubby to see them without me...so it's not just me...

I get that having kids is a wonderful experience...I hear that so much...I hear that I may regret it...no...I really can't say that I will. I hear that I'll make a really great mom...sure I may...but I don't want to find out...and that should be ok with me.

Many friends of mine that know my back ground, even my adopted parents, and my mom totally understand why I have no desire to have children and they have long accepted that horses and dogs will be the only grandbabies they are going to get from me.

My adopted mom stand proudly showing off pictures of her many grandbabies...she has 2 human one (well, she has 5 really, but my brother has decided to cut them out of our lives...not sure why everyone suffers when someone makes a bad decision but that's his choice...no big deal.) Then the get to my pictures, I have 2 step children, 2 horses and 2 dogs. There is 22 horses on the farm (boarding or what knot), there are 20 horses on the race track in training and I call these guys foster kids. My adopted mom has pictures of my kids and a few of my favorite horses in her wallet and it makes me cry happy tears (like I am telling you this) when I see her sharing pictures with friends and colleagues...and she's just as proud of me as she is my sister and my brother.

When I get retired Thoroughbreds home that need to find new homes...I take them...spend time with them...ride them...work with them to know that it's not important to race everyone...and when that horse gets a good home, I cry with excitement...that this horse has a new life.

Just because I don't have kids doesn't mean I'm half a person, it means that I have found other things in this world to "COMPLETE ME!" I never have free time to really speak off, and sitting on the computer, reading a book, or watching TV is a really nice treat and not something that happens all the time.

I love to watch mothers with their children, sometimes it makes me sad because it shows me more Of what I missed as a child, but never because I may have missed out on the "GREATEST GIFT OF ALL." Life to me is the GREATEST gift of all and being to share it with someone who loves you for all that you are and not all that you are not is the greatest gift of all.

Life very short and we only get once and I love that there are moms out there doing an awesome job, but I hate to hear about the abuse and neglect...really ticks me off when people babies and treat them like second class citizens.

My real mom lived down the street from me as a kid for 3 years and I never knew it. Did she stop by...no. She did come get my cousin to go to the beach or take her away for the weekend. Whats sad...my cousin and I lived in the same house...so, it wasn't like she had to go out of her way.

Will I regret not having kids...No. I will continue to be the best person I can be to those around me every day. I will continue to take life and it's challenges one day at a time, one minute at a time in some cases.

So, for those of you that are moms, please don't ridicule me for my chose...for me it's a good one. But the same time, I applaud you in your efforts to make your children the best they can be and hopefully they can be the generation that leads country out of debt or becomes the best doctor in the country or is known for their expertise in medicine...or hell, even president and leads this country to GREATNESS.

 

[fitdeb]

I have never...

I am 50, married 28 years, child-less by choice.

I have been asked countless times why I don't have children.

I have never asked someone "Why they HAD children."

Debbie Russo

 

[shanihib]

Suzmax, you are so right... not everyone is cut out to be a foster parent, and just because you haven't been able to get pregnant doesn't mean you should be one. Shoot, I'm not really a good foster mom (I tend to react to the emotion a kid is radiating rather than be able to detach from it and deal with it calmly.) This is one of the reasons we didn't go further and have more kids. The other reason is that my husband was done. As you said, you both have to be on board.

Hey, you know, don't let people tell you what you should or shouldn't be! I mean, we all are different, with different skills, and gifts, and weaknesses. We each need to be who we were designed to be, not some cookie-cutter of someone else. It was very painful when we were infertile and not openly pursuing treatment or adoption and people would ask when we were going to have kids. It taught me a lot about what people go through. I don't ask that question anymore. Again, I think it comes back to the way we were raised "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!" Most people don't think about other possibilities.

Celeste, I love the idea of your stable and of caring for all of your horses. How amazing for the horses, those that get them, and what a rewarding experience for you! My daughter actually has a dream of doing exactly what you are doing. How funny is that?

Shani

 

[SuzMax]

Celeste - That's just terrible what your birth mom did. She was obviously messed up in the head. But thank goodness your adopted mom sounds fabulous! My mom is the same way about our dogs. She always asks how they are doing as if they are her grandkids. I think that's so wonderful what you do for horses. Just because we don't have kids doesn't mean we don't have hearts and I think that more often than not, that is how we are perceived. I have the BIGGEST heart for animals it is ridiculous. That Sarah McLachlan commercial that they play 150 times during the NFL games? I cry if I hear it from the other room! I can't even watch it b/c of the pit bull that is shaking at the very beginning. I can't look at any of the dogs. We donate money to pit bull rescue organizations. We've rescued more pit bulls than you know and found them homes (and kept a few of our own - we have 2 of THE SWEETEST ONES IN THE WORLD). I was a board member for our local animal shelter and now spend countless hours each year on their various fundraisers (I wish I could go and help them walk dogs, but I just haven't found the inner strength to do that yet...something about having to take them back to their kennels and leave them there). But because I don't have kids, I'm selfish.

Shanihib - I'm sure you are an awesome foster mom! At least you're trying your best and that is all you can do. You are giving that little girl a chance at a better life and a chance to have dreams for her future and she didn't have that before you. I admire you for that.

 

[ColoradoSooner]

I am 50, married 28 years, child-less by choice.

I have been asked countless times why I don't have children.

I have never asked someone "Why they HAD children."

Debbie Russo

Here! Here! Whenever anyone asks me if I have children, I always feel like I have to explain myself. Yet, like you, I've never said, "Do you have kids? You do? Why?" LOL It's a personal decision and no one should have to explain why they did or did not have children. And yet I feel compelled to.

It doesn't help that the town I live in is Fertility Central.

 

[amyg]

I'd be curious how many people would answer your "why did you have kids" question by telling you they got pregnant and it was a surprise or unplanned...