Do any of you ever regret NOT having kids?

(((((HUGS))))) to those of you who want/ed children. My heart goes out to you. I had my struggles TTC and for reasons beyond my understanding I've been blessed with 2 beautiful children (just check out my albums :D) and one more in April if all goes well.

For those of you child-free by choice. I wish more people gave parenthood the thoughtful consideration it deserves, and I don't think it is selfish to recognize motherhood or fatherhood isn't for you. I think it is thoughtful, loving, selfless, and responsible. But I have to admit I have thought to myself what great mothers some of you would have made based on your cyber personalities… and wish you were procreating instead of the ones calling kids stupid, etc. Anyway, I respect your choice.
 
I knew pretty early on that I was not cut out to be "mommy" and I've never regretted the decision. I flat out don't have the patience for it. When I see parents in public dealing with strollers and bags and screaming, whining kids (what is up with the screaming kids in public these days, all I can think is, these parents have to LIVE WITH THAT EVERY DAY) I am deeply thankful that I never let myself be pressured into having kids because it's "what you do." DH never cared either, hooray! I'd have been a mediocre mom but decided instead to be a fantastic aunt. I love my niece and nephews to death. I also love when they go home and DH and I sit down with books and a cup of tea. :)

I have no patience for people who think they are on a higher plane of existence because they have children, or who think that the rest of us need to adjust to them. As I mentioned above I'd support just about any public campaign that encouraged parents to teach their kids to be QUIET in public. I remember clearly my mom teaching us that there is a time and place for loud voices and high energy, and it wasn't the library, the nice restaurant, the grocery store or the movie theatre. These days every where you go there are children being unbearably loud and the parents just sit there and let them disrupt everyone else.

To parents who have the patience and are getting the job done, and done well, kudos.

Sparrow
 
SirenSongWoman said:
I've talked with women who have kids and, when questioned, they say they always knew they wanted to be a mom, from the time they were little. I never really felt that. Like a lot of things, I sometimes think "what if?" but it's not a steady, constant feeling that I made a mistake. I do wonder if there isn't something kind of wrong with me that I never felt that sense of urgency (biological clock and all) and it concerns me that my status means some may perceive me as strange. It doesn't help that I have five cats, no steady man and, all the sudden, single women my age with cats have become a cliched punch line in every network sitcom. '
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This pretty much sums up my situation. I never seriously considered having children, and I am perfectly comfortable being a so-called "crazy cat/dog lady", albeit I don't have any cats right now ;). I do think it's quite unfair that pretty much any single woman with no children is treated as an object of pity, or as a person who is in some way flawed and in need of fixing.

Especially when single, childless men are depicted as carefree and youthful, perhaps in need of a woman to cook and clean for him and improve his quality of life in the manner of a housekeeper...hey! I just made myself furious by reminding myself of that double-standard!

All (or at least most) of us are capable and desirous of loving and caring for others, and if those "others" happen to be adult humans or little furry people of another species, that's just fine. I have an adorable little nephew and niece and I love them like crazy, but they never cause me to have second thoughts. I know I could be a good parent, and I would be if for some reason I had to. But as long as the choice is mine, I'm very happy with my fella, our doggies, and my job.

Lisa
 
Wow, thank you all so much for your all of your responses! Kudos to Sirensongwoman, that was a fantastic post! Thank you! Those of us that are child free seem like such a minority and I feel like I'm doing something "wrong", it makes me feel good to know that there are quite a few of you that feel the same way.
 
Interesting thread. Like SirenSongWoman, I am 47, single, no kids and no pets. I have 3 sisters and only 1 is married and they don't have kids as well. My siblings, BIL and I joke about having a "Golden Girls" house and all living together in our golden years. :eek:

I have no regrets. I love kids and would have loved to be a mother but my life didn't work out that way. When I was 25 I wanted to be married and have kids but that was only because I didn't know what I wanted to do and that seemed to be the most natural choice. I'm glad that path was not open to me because I think I would have been a very unhappy person. When I was younger I had no self-esteem and was afraid to be an adult because I didn't think I could make anything of myself. Being single made me independent, self-confident and made me realize that I am smart and worthy. I'm not saying being married and a parent would not have done this for me in the long run but I would have probably married and had children for the wrong reasons.

As Beavs said, we will end up being our parent's primary caregiver by default and that is true. My dad is 85 and has dementia and I realize that I am now the parent I never was. I'm learning about patience, sacrifice and love in whole new way. I wouldn't change a thing.
 
Interesting how this decision changes our entire life...it's been an interesting journey for me...the women in my life have not been great role models for motherhood and when I tried it, it was so hard.

My mom never really liked being a mom. Depressed most of the time and we basically got up every morning on our own and just, mostly raised ourselves.

My sister had three boys-each beautiful - each came about amidst drama - different husbands, poor living conditions, jail for some of the men and well - more drama than a soap opera (you wouldn't believe it if I told you all the stuff that's happened).

Now, she's hooked up with another bum, but this time she's severed ties with her children, one-by-one. The boys are older (17, 18 & 23) now scattered and seperated and have no contact with my sister. (isn't that crazy? I haven't talked to her since October 07) DH and I are in touch with each son and encouraging and helping as we can.

When I was 25 years old (I'm 43, now) I married a man who had custody of his two daughters (at that time the girls were 10 and 12) I didn't realize until later that I didn't like him too much, I loved the girls though and worked so hard to "be there" for them - I know now I was trying to be the mom my mom never was.

It was so hard to stepparent - esp. at my age and with all the lack of foundation I came with...I was busting my chops to cook, clean, work, take them every where and be everything...it was nuts.

Then one day I found out that the oldest girl had started her period - over a month ago. She never told me. She told her deadbeat mother - who did nothing for her and was almost never around. It was stunning for me...It was like I woke up in that moment. I'd done all of that for the wrong reasons...wrong love, wrong life...

Well, I moved out, left everything behind and started over. Slept on an air mattress in a plain apt with a wal-mart radio for months - and felt selfishly, happy as a clam. (We had had a nice home, white picket fence and all...).

Now almost 20 years later - I am happily married to my soul mate, the best, most loving, most intelligent, most successful, most sexy, best friend I could ever have...no children. A dog and cat and a strong business that I run...happy, fulfilled, not feeling wounded anymore and feeling blessed and lucky.

I've lost touch with the girls, last I heard they'd both graduated from college and are living happy and full lives - I was just a blip on the radar screen. It was hard to leave, but I am so glad I did. I would be a bitter, depressed woman at this point, if I had not...

Long 'story' but it came up for me as I was reading this thread...my journey to no children has been a deep and unfolding oppportunity to close the gaps I've felt around being loved and loving.

Life is ever unfolding...I never regret where I am today, I love every day. And at the same time when I think about my nephews and when i interact with them I feel such abiding love and intensity about what I want for them, it is almost overwhelming...they are my 'sons' now.

Ah, the nuances of life and love, it is all threaded together and makes this life so rich...
 
Only society pressures one to feel guilty and/or regrets in regards to kids. If y'all are happy and content, don't worry about it. I have children but every woman is different. And admire women who do have children as much as I admire women who do not have children. Last I look, there wasn't an 11th Commandment in regards to children and/or marriage.
 
I really enjoyed reading all of your posts, and as a parent, I echo the sentiments of JenniferMaria and Autumn.

My 13 year old has told me that she doesn't think she wants to have kids, and I've bent over backwards to make sure she knows she's fully supported, regardless of the path she chooses. I did tell her I want Grand-dogs though. :) At least 3!
 
What I find interesting are the proclamations of those who do not have kids that they are "so glad" they never had them. That's okay, and I respect your decision and opinion, but to me, if you never had them, you don't know how whether you would have liked having them or not. Make sense?

I was never one for having kids. I never even considered it really. My DH and I had been married 5 years and I was 29 years old and we had this conversation about considering maybe we should have one. So, guess what happened? The very next month I was pregnant. If fact, I found out on my 30th birthday that I was pregnant.

I was scared, unsure and upset. But you know what... my son (who is now 21 years old) is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is the absolute joy of my life. He was an easy, happy, smart, funny child, and has grown into a wonderful adult. I can't believe he grew up as quickly as he did.

If I had never had him, I would still be one of the people who said they never wanted children and how glad I was that I didn't have them. How could I have known what I would miss? THAT is the scary part!
 
JeanneMarie said:
What I find interesting are the proclamations of those who do not have kids that they are "so glad" they never had them. That's okay, and I respect your decision and opinion, but to me, if you never had them, you don't know how whether you would have liked having them or not. Make sense?

I was never one for having kids. I never even considered it really. My DH and I had been married 5 years and I was 29 years old and we had this conversation about considering maybe we should have one. So, guess what happened? The very next month I was pregnant. If fact, I found out on my 30th birthday that I was pregnant.

I was scared, unsure and upset. But you know what... my son (who is now 21 years old) is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is the absolute joy of my life. He was an easy, happy, smart, funny child, and has grown into a wonderful adult. I can't believe he grew up as quickly as he did.

If I had never had him, I would still be one of the people who said they never wanted children and how glad I was that I didn't have them. How could I have known what I would miss? THAT is the scary part!
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I totally understand what you are saying but aren't there many things in life that we know we don't want to do, without actually having to do them? I don't need to bungee jump to know that it's surely not for me. :D Same with having kids. When I think about being a mom there's no pleasure in it. I know there are great times when one is a parent but thoughts of those good times don't outweigh the corresponding negative thoughts that I have when I think of becoming a parent. You are absolutely right that I could have a child and realize it's the best thing that ever happened to me, but IMO to make that decision with the feelings I have now would be hugely selfish. I wouldn't risk bringing a child I didn't want into the world on the off chance that the negative feelings I have now might dissipate.

It's wonderful that you've enjoyed being a mom. :)

Sparrow
 
"Again, I just don't get why people have kids....."

I suppose you ought to be thankful your parents didn't think that, huh?;)
 
sparrow13 said:
I totally understand what you are saying but aren't there many things in life that we know we don't want to do, without actually having to do them? I don't need to bungee jump to know that it's surely not for me. :D Same with having kids. When I think about being a mom there's no pleasure in it. I know there are great times when one is a parent but thoughts of those good times don't outweigh the corresponding negative thoughts that I have when I think of becoming a parent. You are absolutely right that I could have a child and realize it's the best thing that ever happened to me, but IMO to make that decision with the feelings I have now would be hugely selfish. I wouldn't risk bringing a child I didn't want into the world on the off chance that the negative feelings I have now might dissipate.

It's wonderful that you've enjoyed being a mom. :)

Sparrow
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Sparrow - I feel the SAME way! And I figure you can't miss something (or in this case "someone") that you never had. I have zero desire for kids and if there was some huge accident and I somehow became pregnant and then actually enjoyed the whole parenthood gig, great, but I'm not going there right now of my own volition. ;) Unfortunately, there is sooo much pressure (mainly from the in-laws who have been hinting that the family name dies with my DH) in regards to the whole having a child thing, that I have become quite resentful over it. I also resent people assuming I have all the time in the world because I do not have children. I can remember working 2 jobs while DH was working 2 jobs and going to grad school and having my sisters who have a gazillion kids (one of them has 7) making comments about how we had nothing to do.... grr...

Oh, and to the poster who asked "isn't anyone afraid of the pain?" - ME, ME, ME!!!! Between my sisters and my best friend, I have been at the hospital through 14 birth's, actually being in the room during the pushing for one of them. And there is nothing about that experience that makes me want to go through it!!! Seems like the pain meds never kick in when they are supposed to. I've held my best friend's hand through some of her worse contractions (cuz' her DH at the time was a dumb butt and was sleeping on the couch) and she never once said "you really should try this, it's great!" I will say though that in every one of those situations, as soon as the new baby was presented to the mom, all pain seemed to vanish. It still gives me nightmares though!!! ;)
 
Allwildgirl.... if they decided not to have children then obviously I would have never existed and it really would not have mattered. I'm sorry but I'm not sure I get your post. If you are really asking me if I'm glad to be alive the answer is yes, but on that same token are you saying that we should use up every single one of our eggs so that no human life is missed?
 
DH and I don't have kids. And we're not planning to have any. My mom used to bug me about having kids, until my brother had one and decided not to take care of it. Now my mom is raising that kid. No more pressure on me to have kids. ;)

I have had the experience of kids. I took care of 3 toddlers (twins and their 11-month-older sister) for a good long time. Started when the twins were 6 months old. I got to work, got the kids up, and was there all day long until I put them to bed. I loved the kids, but about went stir-crazy. I had wanted kids up to that point in my life. After that experience, the feeling waned.

I have a lot of nieces and nephews. Two of my nieces I see several times a month. They are 4 and 6 and are the sweetest handful I've ever seen. My sister-in-law (their mom) is the best mom I've ever seen. She's my role model in many things and if I ever have kids, I want to be as good a mom as she is. I get lots of practice loving and disciplining her children as she and her husband are very open to family adults directing the children and backing up the parental values (like respecting adults and don't beat up your sister stuff). Anyway, I put myself in their way a lot and get a lot of good child/adult interaction on a semi-regular basis.

I think if I ever have kids, I will "buckle down" and do the job right (with God's help) and will love my kids very much. I think at some point, if you're a responsible adult, you have to realize that your actions brought the child into the world and s/he is your responsibility. I think humans have a remarkable ability to "make the best" of many situations and change their thought process and behavior to match the situation they are in.

I also think having kids just for them to help me in my old age is a bad decision for the kid and for me. Besides, if the kid is irresponsible or is otherwise unavailable at the time of needing care, then what? I had the kid for this very purpose, "put" myself through all the upbringing for no reason. Not a good situation, imo.

Besides, my mom's newest kid is going to take care of me. I'll take care of her (our) mom when mom gets old (while the kid is in college) and then the kid can take care of me! LOL. ;)

Interesting thread.

April
 
Liann said:
...and she never once said "you really should try this, it's great!"
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:D !!!!!

My cousin and sister-in-law had the unfortunate experiences of being ill during the delivery. One was actually sick with a fever, and the other was reacting to something they gave her. Can you imagine vomiting while delivering? As if the searing pain in your lower body ain't enough.
 
Lori - My youngest sister (whose still 9 years older than me) had something I think was called "Demerol"??? with her first child and threw up the ENTIRE time! It was awful! Then, she developed a hernia in her abdomen with her 5th child and I thought she was going to die when she gave birth to him - the pain meds didn't touch it. She actually went on to have 2 more after that. And I would not totally rule out another one at some point. She's tougher than I would be! :eek:
 
SnideySpidey said:
I love kids, and I love seeing them go home with their parents after I have filled them up with rootbeer, cake, and pop rocks
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I will be your Amen corner on that one. I totally agree. I am glad the OP started this discussion. I am still torn. I love my freedom and I love traveling. I have six nieces and nephews. I sometimes feel selfish, but then also realize that it is selfish to have a child and not be really ready to give of my full time and attention. I am still undecided... Doesn't really matter now, I am single and not dating anyone currently.
 
Just a couple of comments that are not meant to sway anyone into having children...

1. You forget the pain. Otherwise nobody would ever have more than 1:p

2. Not all kids are screaming monsters, and if they are, that's the fault of the parents, not the children.

3. I was JOKING in my previous post. Joking.... hahahaha.... oh never mind.:rolleyes:
 
What Allwildgirl was saying is that the quote "I just don't get why people have kids..." is sort of offensive & abrupt. I have 2 girls, 15 & 3 years old. I LOVE being a parent (although teenage girls really aren't that fun!) but I can completely respect that other people may not feel that way & may not want kids. In my opinion, you're correct, people who don't want them should NOT have them. And I would never say "I just don't get why you wouldn't want to have kids!" It's a personal choice for every person/couple. The statement you made sort of comes across as disrespectful to those of us who have children & enjoy being parents.
 
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