I do not want children!

regina said:
Dear Rachel,

I think that having children is a decision that only you and your husband can make. Your in laws may find it easier to take out their frustrations on you rather than their son. As long the two of you are comfortable with the decision to not have children then maybe you should just inform them that it is not open to discussion any longer and you would prefer it if they would no longer question you about your decision. Also maybe acknowledging to them their frustrations and disappointment would be helpful.

I hope that everything works out for you and your family!
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Well said Regina!

Rachel...it is entirely yours and DH's decision. BUT you may miss out on the most wonderful gift from God. My life has been so blessed by my son Matthew! :) My personal opinion is you never truly know what life is about until you have a child of your own. However, your family needs to be supportive of your decision!
 
I don't have children either and I don't plan on it. Sometimes I have questioned my decision because usually the first question I get (and this may be different for others) is the sympathetic head tilt followed by what's wrong with you? It made me feel like such a freak. I haven't questioned my decision for quite some time -- really in thanks to some of the awesome responses I got from a similar thread I posted a few months ago on this forum - they made me feel not so alone. I truly love my life with my husband and our fur babies and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I do sympathize with the in-law issue, that can be really rough. My husband's side use to badger us EVERY time we saw them to make them some more cousins and grandchildren, but unfortunately some of them have lost their jobs and the rest are close to it, now they tell us, you guys are so lucky you don't have kids. My how times have changed.
 
Today I got the whole spill of..."The way I was raised you are here to reproduce" And these are not religious people. It is so nonsensicle ( is that a word) Oh well.
I am 32 years old and I think if my clock was going to tick it would be by now and I to am very happy with my fur babies. At least if I need to run out for a while or go to work, I would not have to load them up in the car with me. It is not a crime to leave my fur babies at home alone for the day but I bet someone might frown upon leaving a real baby at home for the day;)
For someone who tries to steer clear of all drama I am sure in the thick of it now.
Rachel
 
If your IL's are looking for children so badly, tell them to be foster parents or foster grandparents. There are plenty of children out there who need the love they seem to feel that you have to provide them with.

DO NOT FEEL BAD for the choice you and your DH have made. I love my children dearly, but it has been a very long 23 years and not easy. I am enjoying life without the day to day dealings and to tell you the truth, being a grandparent is way cool. HOWEVER, I would never pressure my kids to bear their own children. It is such a personal choice.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my nieces/nephews before I had grandkids - and others children too. If I had that empty spot in my heart to be around children, I know I could find more than one who would be enthralled with the attention of an adult.

Children do not have to be related by blood for you to love them. Have them do good and send them out looking for whatever it is they feel you have to provide them with. They are adults after all.

Take care and know those of us here will support you whichever way you end up going and no matter what your MIL tells you. In fact, print out this column and let her have it from the rest of us.

Don't forget to mention to her that we all lift weights and are very very strong should she not leave you alone ! ;) :rolleyes:
 
No you are not a bad person. Count me in as one who never wanted children and has never regretted it. Even as a child I did not like playing with dolls and I never dreamed of the day I would have kids of my own. When I met DH it was one of the first things I told him about myself. I was 33 at the time I didn't want to waste his time or mine if he wanted kids. I never got any pressure from family (MIL lives in England so that might be why) but friends, co-workers and even people I barely knew seemed to take it upon themselves to tell me that I didn't know what I was missing (come on do they really think I didn't give this a lot of thought) or that I'd never be a real woman without children. I was continually reassured that it was not too late. Many people just cannot accept that you have made a choice that is so different from theirs on such a major life issue. Well that's their problem. The good news is that when you reach 45 they will give up. I still occasionally get comments from people who don't know me and all I have to say is "I'm 48" and they shut up.
 
FourAM said:
Today I got the whole spill of..."The way I was raised you are here to reproduce" And these are not religious people. It is so nonsensicle ( is that a word) Oh well.
I am 32 years old and I think if my clock was going to tick it would be by now and I to am very happy with my fur babies. At least if I need to run out for a while or go to work, I would not have to load them up in the car with me. It is not a crime to leave my fur babies at home alone for the day but I bet someone might frown upon leaving a real baby at home for the day;)
For someone who tries to steer clear of all drama I am sure in the thick of it now.
Rachel
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Wow you MIL just won't let up. If she had any sense she would know the more you push someone to something they don't want the more they resist (at least typically). Not that you would change your mind if she didn't push, but why she is wasting her breath is beyond me. Remember that is her problem, not yours. At least it sounds like the DH is backing you up (or trying to anyway).

I've been lucky and my parents and in-laws are good about not saying anything either way. But I have had people ask "So who's going to take care of you guys when you get older?" Yeah, that's the right reason to have kids. :mad: Of course my favorite one is when people would realize back when were married for 7 or 8 years without kids; Them: "Oh, Can you guys have kids?" with a sympathetic look on their face. Me: "I assume so." Now that I'm almost 40 that has stopped. :D
 
One of my personal favorite comments is "Oh, but you'll never fully understand and appreciate what it is to be a woman until you've had a child!" Really??? I also get the "Your life will never be complete until you have a child of your own". Thanks, but I'm feeling pretty complete at the moment. I believe that having children has been the best thing that has happened to some people, but I don't think you can make a blanket statement that it would be the best thing for everyone. Stick to your guns. It is your decision!
 
jlsahli said:
My husband's side use to badger us EVERY time we saw them to make them some more cousins and grandchildren.
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Don't you love that? Like kids are something you can just go pick up at the store as a gift for family. My standard response now to the "When are you going to give me more grandchildren" question is "when you concieve, birth, and raise them on your own". ;)
 
I never, ever ask people such personal questions, and I just don't understand people who feel completely comfortable doing so.

When DH and I were in our first year of marriage, people would ask us, "When are you having children?" First year!! To make matters slightly more painful, I had had 2 miscarriages, so we were trying but not succeeding. Did they have to know that though?

I kept my mouth shut, but I really wanted to shout, "We're trying, and I lost 2 so far!! Okay?! Lay off!!"
 
Me neither!!!

If you don't feel compelled to make babies, don't! I see so many people who did not really have the resources to make babies get pregnant and then the babies suffer. And, just tell your husband to man up and tell his family to lay off. Thats his job not yours. :rolleyes:
 
Lori - We tried for 3 years to get pg w/ our son and people knew we were having problems and STILL asked that question. Furthermore we still get hassled about having another. We did try a bit (unsuccesfully) for a #2 before deciding 1 was the right number for us and most people know that, yet they STILL ask when we're having more. What possess someone to ask a person they KNOW has had fertility problems when they are having more kids is just beyond me! Goes to show that some people just really have no boundries!
 
This topic really touched a sensitive spot for me. My fiancee and I recently called off our wedding and broke up because he suddenly decided he did not want kids. (We had previously discussed waiting a few years, and then trying for a baby). Luckily we discovered this BEFORE we got married!

That being said, (this is sort of off topic), for those of you who said they changed their mind about having kids, was that difficult? Did your spouse agree with you, or did you have to fight for it? I don't have kids, but definitely want to, but this break-up really shook me.
 
trixie108 said:
This topic really touched a sensitive spot for me. My fiancee and I recently called off our wedding and broke up because he suddenly decided he did not want kids. (We had previously discussed waiting a few years, and then trying for a baby). Luckily we discovered this BEFORE we got married!

That being said, (this is sort of off topic), for those of you who said they changed their mind about having kids, was that difficult? Did your spouse agree with you, or did you have to fight for it? I don't have kids, but definitely want to, but this break-up really shook me.
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Thank goodness you found out beforehand! I think the couple really has to be on the same page from the beginning about the whole kid thing. You can't go in thinking that some day your spouse might change his mind. He might, but he might not. For now, me and my DH are on the same page about not wanting kids yet, but we haven't ruled them out all together. We just haven't been ready yet for them. We'll never say never. I'll admit that lately we kind of linger in the Target baby section more than we used to. We even have the nursery furniture picked out "in case" we change our mind. :eek:
 
Liann said:
One of my personal favorite comments is "Oh, but you'll never fully understand and appreciate what it is to be a woman until you've had a child!" Really??? I also get the "Your life will never be complete until you have a child of your own". Thanks, but I'm feeling pretty complete at the moment. I believe that having children has been the best thing that has happened to some people, but I don't think you can make a blanket statement that it would be the best thing for everyone. Stick to your guns. It is your decision!
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I agree. One has to find their own definition of truly living and for many it does not include children (such as Mother Theresa ;) ) I recall someone making such a remark in front of my niece, who would have loved to have children one day but was told she could not after going through chemo. I wanted to give them a nuggy!

I also am irritated whenever people feel compelled to point out someone's child was adopted. What difference does that make?! I couldn't imagine loving an adopted child and less than a biological child
 
trixie108 said:
That being said, (this is sort of off topic), for those of you who said they changed their mind about having kids, was that difficult? Did your spouse agree with you, or did you have to fight for it? I don't have kids, but definitely want to, but this break-up really shook me.
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Trixie, I'm so sorry about your break-up.

I changed my mind. I never ever wanted kids when I was younger - I was a tomboy, didn't like dolls, didn't like babysitting, didn't like being around young cousins, and later didn't like being around young nieces and nephews - all the stereotypical stuff. DH and I got married at 26 and he was fine with me not wanting kids. Then when I was 39, I had this sudden epiphany that if I didn't have a kid, I would come to regret it. I started noticing all these moms, especially moms doing fun things with their daughters, and wanted to be in their shoes. At the same time, as I found out later, DH was experiencing his own angst about watching all his brothers and sisters raising families and not having kids of his own. So, long story short, we had a kid when I was 41. Fortunately it worked out for us - there was no fighting involved (although we did go to marriage counselling because we'd gone quite a long time without talking about this issue) and no medical issues. And we have a cute, smart, fun little person in our lives who came very close to not existing at all.

I have always been grateful that neither my parents nor my in-laws have ever tried to butt in on this. We got no flak about not having kids, and no teasing when we had a kid, and no pushing about "when are you going to have more" (although, being 47, I could probably stave that one off with an incredulous look). It is very upsetting to read about the intrusive and rude behaviour that some of you have had to deal with - I think I would have a meltdown!

Stebby
 
Perhaps your husband has brought a great deal of joy into the lives of his parents and they just want him to feel that same joy?

I think you just need to be quite firm with them and tell them it is not an issue up for discussion.

~Lori
 
Lean Lori said:
I think you just need to be quite firm with them and tell them it is not an issue up for discussion.

~Lori
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Or better yet you rhusband should man up and tell them. But it needs to be said

You could start talking about something she's sensitive about everytime she brings it up. (so, got your will in order). I know, it's mean, but I'm jsut saying.
 
Having children is a tremendous SACRAFICE!!! You must be prepared to give up everything - your personal time, your needs and wants become secondary. No one can make that decision for someone else. I always thought I'd have children but at this point in my life I decided that I was way too selfish now to give up my time - change my life. You certainly are not a horrible person - but an extremely responsible one.
 
I agree with ya!!

Oh Sweetie
I have been with my DH for 17 years! We don't want Children and I love my relatives kids. But, you will always be looked at as a BAD person, let's see what else do they say...you'll change your mind, you are horrible to do this to your parents( I am an only child) you are selfish you are immature you are not a real WOMAN IF YOU DON'T WANT KIDS!! Heard it all now my response is now to ppl I really don't like is....ONLY IDIOTS BREED!!!! My response to ppl I love is everything that sleeps in my bed is fixed!!! hahahahaha.
Don't worry about it just keep ur head up and know your a good person!!!! Don't beat yourself up over it!!
 
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