I do not want children!

FourAM

FourAM

Cathlete
Does this make me a horrible person.?
My inlaws seem to think so.!
Don't get me wrong, I love the kids in my family, my niece and nephews, they are great. My DH and I have fun with them but we just do not want any of our own. But no matter what the DH says all the "blame" for this decision is all on me. I guess because I am the one with the ovaries, I call all the shots.:mad:
Is it wrong to not bring children into the world if you do not feel the need to do so? Just for the purpose of making grandparents.
I am so frustrated. I don't even know where to go from here.
Sorry..venting.
Rachel
 
Dear Rachel,

I think that having children is a decision that only you and your husband can make. Your in laws may find it easier to take out their frustrations on you rather than their son. As long the two of you are comfortable with the decision to not have children then maybe you should just inform them that it is not open to discussion any longer and you would prefer it if they would no longer question you about your decision. Also maybe acknowledging to them their frustrations and disappointment would be helpful.

I hope that everything works out for you and your family!
 
No, this does not make you a horrible person. If anything, it shows good judgment. Parenting is really, really challenging. You have to want to do it. (And even then, there are days when I think, "I'm not cut out for this!!")

It sounds like your inlaws are exhibiting a bit of selfishness. I understand wanting grandchildren, but ultimately it's your life, your decision. This is not about them.

Hang in there. :)
 
FourAM said:
Does this make me a horrible person.?
My inlaws seem to think so.!
Don't get me wrong, I love the kids in my family, my niece and nephews, they are great. My DH and I have fun with them but we just do not want any of our own. But no matter what the DH says all the "blame" for this decision is all on me. I guess because I am the one with the ovaries, I call all the shots.:mad:
Is it wrong to not bring children into the world if you do not feel the need to do so? Just for the purpose of making grandparents.
I am so frustrated. I don't even know where to go from here.
Sorry..venting.
Rachel
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It never ceases to amaze me how many people feel they have a right to tell others how to live their lives, including and especially probably the single most important and personal decision one can make: whether or not to have children.

Rachel, I feel for you. I've always known that I did not want children (my own, or through marriage or adoption), and I fortunately found a mate who felt the same way. And I've been even more fortunate that no one that I can remember has ever remonstrated me about not having / wanting children. But yours is an achingly common story.

I guess all I can say is: stick to your guns on this issue, and walk away from the subject whenever possible. (When it's not, "This is none of your GD business" is a perfectly reasonable comment.) Your in-laws are out of line. No one is "entitled" to become grandparents, and your in-laws are demonstrating remarkable selfishness and intrusiveness.

A-Jock
 
I didn't want children for the longest time, and I know my mom had a hard time with it, but she mostly accepted it -- she still hinted every chance she got. I just learned to ignore the hints.

My dad died when I was about 33, I guess? (so long ago!), and in the year following I did a lot of re-thinking of life, and I came to the conclusion that my life just seemed pretty meaningless without kids. I turned my life upside down and by 37 had my first child. I'm not saying that will happen to you, but just telling you that my experience was that I was certain I didn't want kids and things changed for me. I think it's really important that the people bringing kids into this world really want those children, and I think it's great that there are people like you who recognize that they don't want them. Don't feel "wrong".

-Beth
 
I completely agree with the above posters! You are NOT a bad person simply because you have made a choice NOT to bring kids into this world! I have NEVER felt the maternal need to have kids either and at first (Ok, for a LONG time) my mom would keep asking me if I was SURE... I have known since I was in my teens I didn't want any, YES mom I'm sure! Now I get little hints like plaques that say "Please tell me my grandkids DON'T have fur!" and stuff like that... it is all in good fun now, but I seriously think that if she didn't have OTHER grandchildren that I would still be feeling the heat... I just won't engage in those conversations anymore!

stick to your guns on this one! You and DH are the ones who are in charge of this decision, not the grandparents! I only wish more people had your thought process when deciding whether or not to bring kids into this world!

Hang tough and don't let it get to you! :)
 
Well, our extended families are hard on dh and me because we have 7 children--oh the judgement--opposite sides of the same coin, I guess. (We love to tease and say that we think of number 7 as our middle child, just to see the steam come out of their ears--I need that devilish smiley we used to have)

I agree that people should just mind their own business about these very personal decisions.

Best of luck with your in-laws. I don't think you are a horrible person.

Maggie:)
 
Sigh. When on earth are we going to move past this idea that women should/must want children? I find it so tiresome that in 2009 this is still an issue. There are fantastic women out there who are also amazing moms. There are equally fantastic women who have no interest in being moms (I'm one of them! :D). Can we please move on?

You are not a bad person in any way shape or form. Just keep repeating "It's not for me" when anyone is rude enough to pressure or ask. No matter what is said just smile and say "It's not for me." Worked like a charm for me once people realized I wasn't about to defend my choices to them. Luckily my family understood from the beginning. DH's folks wanted grandkids, and he was their only option, so that was tough, because we love them, but we can't raise kids because it would fulfill other people's needs. They finally stopped hinting when DH told his dad he'd been "snipped." :D

GOOD LUCK.
 
Rachel,

Of course you are not a bad person. You just know what you want and do not want. I have 10 children, all from the same marriage. We have been married for 33 years. This was our choice and of course, we get horrible comments on our decision.

My oldest daughter is 35 and before she got married, she told me that her and her future husband did not want to have any children at all. She wanted to have all of her time for herself. I have always wanted to be a grandmother, but I told her that she shouldn't have any children then. I don't think one should have children if they are not wanted. I have totally supported her inher decision. They have been married for 5 years. Her husband had a vasectomy three months after they were married.

I completely stay out of it. They have 3 dogs and they are totally happy with their decision and so am I!! It is too bad that your in-laws cannot accept your decisions. They should not put all the blame on youl They need to get over it.

Cheryl
 
I so dont want kids, but I keep hearing 'oh you'll change your mind when you find the right man' I'm sorry, I feel that having a good mate and wanting kids is mutually exclusive. You should want kids. Finding the mate doesnt make you want to have kids, you want to have kids with THIS person. My aunt once told me I'd want to have kids b/c 'I'd want to make him happy' Really? Anyone else barfing?

I think the most important thing is that you are true to yourself. There are too many people popping out kids and not giving a damn.

Life without children is not meaningless unless you make it that way. Same with anything else. By the way, I like A Jock's suggestion. Mind your GD business. I know you hate to be rude, but sometimes you have to before people get the hint. And make sure you ask them how much time and money they plan on investing in your child if you ever had one.
 
This topic has been discussed here before because (unfortunately) you are not the first to complain about some family member(s) badgering them about their decision not to have children. :rolleyes:

There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting kids and never let your inlaws (or anyone else!) for that matter, make you think otherwise! The choice is yours and your DH's alone and that is it!
 
Rachel,
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I can only imagine how frustrated you must be...but it's your life! Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for how you want to live it. Be strong!

Jo
 
We are not evil!

I've been hearing the same thing from all the parents since DH and I got married 14 years ago. Everyone said we would change our minds, and we haven't. We have always known that we did not want children, and haven't wavered a bit. For the parents, we just told them that this was our decision and the topic was not up for discussion. And whenever they bring it up, we either change the subject or hang up the phone, end of story.

For me, it has been more difficult in the workplace, where, because I work with children, every parent, co-worker and student thinks I must love children and want/have many. And they think it is an acceptable topic of conversation. That's where a (sometimes) kinder version of A-Jock's advice comes in. I confess that in a few really uncomfortable situations, I have also lied and said I couldn't have children. It's a lie, but it shuts down the line of inquiry.

But I don't think it makes us bad people. The fact is, parenting really is the hardest job in the world. I think you should really want it, deep down, for yourself. It is not something you do to please anyone, in-laws, parents, or spouse. And if you don't want it like that, then don't do it, and don't feel badly about it.

Mel
 
Rachel - Join the group! ;) My DH and I are in our 30's and boy does his family keep hinting at the whole "kid" thing (really ticks me off). My parents are perfectly happy without anymore grandkids (I have a sister with 7 kids, one with 4 kids, and another with 1). There is so much pressure to have them though (again from the in-laws) and I get a lot of "you're selfish and you don't know what you are missing out on" from people. Honestly, I love my nieces and nephews and am known as the "fun aunt", but I really don't have a lot of patience for kids and no, I do not think it is cute when I read about my friend's kid shoving b-b's up his nose on Facebook. ;) I'm just not that into them! ;) Ironically, I LOVE babies! It's just after they learn to talk back and pick their nose that I lose interest!
 
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I love being a parent, yet at the same time I know others whose children have fur and are perfectly happy. My SIL and her husband are in their late 30's, successful, and very content not having kids. They love kids, have plenty of nieces and nephews, and are some of the coolest aunts/uncles kids could have. And we're all fine with that. Same goes with another friend of mine...no interest in having kids, would make a great mom, but is happy having furry kids.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad about not wanting kids because it doesn't make you a bad person if you're not a parent!
 
As long as you and your DH are in agreement, then it is a done deal. It is nobody else's business. You can't blame them for wanting grandkids but they have lived their life with kids and grandkids are like icing on the cake...great but not necessary. Inlaws who are overbearing like that are not pleasant and if they are that much out of line, imagine if you DID have kids. They would try to run the show. Enjoy your life as is - it is your destiny, not theirs. If they don't like it, then poo poo on them :p Seriously, I've had the overbearing inlaws and actually ended up in court which is almost the worse scenario but beforehand, it was a constant PITA to deal with them, made worse when I had my DD. Sounds like you have a wonderful DH - give him a hug, wonder how he could possibly be a product of his parents, say your thanks, and go to sleep guilt free!
 
Let me preface this by saying, I adore being a mom. I have three little boys and cannot imagine the world or my life without them. I'm blessed beyond belief. But my husband and I made the decision to have kids completely on our own. No one should have kids because they feel like they "should" have kids (by society's standards) or others have pressured them into it. If you don't get that maternal twinge, that little tug in your heart for a little one, don't do it. They are non-refundable. It's funny that Liann said her in-laws accuse her of being selfish, when it's very selfish of parents to push for grandkids just so they will have someone to play with and take to ball games from time to time. Parenting is hard enough when you're 100 percent up for the task. I can't imagine doing it just to please someone else. And I cannot imagine someone trying to convince someone else that they should have kids.

That said, never say never. That clock may some day start ticking. Don't shut out the idea just because others have burned you out on it. Just listen to your hearts and tune out everyone else. :)
 
I'm 35 weeks preggo and we had a lot of help. However, I don't think that everyone should have kids, especially if they don't want to. Likewise, I don't think that everyone should get married (I'm happily married for 8 years) or go to college (and I earned a Ph.D. & 2 master's degrees). Most of my family is blue-collar and in the trades. They have all done pretty well for themselves and didn't go to college.

Do what you want! ;)
 
Ironically, I LOVE babies! It's just after they learn to talk back and pick their nose that I lose interest!
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OMG Liann! This one had me ROLLING!!!:D:D:D Oh and BTW, coming from a mom of an almost 4yr old...I can't say I blame you! ;) LOL
 
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