I'm 47, single, and have no kids. I've talked with women who have kids and, when questioned, they say they always knew they wanted to be a mom, from the time they were little. I never really felt that. Like a lot of things, I sometimes think "what if?" but it's not a steady, constant feeling that I made a mistake. I do wonder if there isn't something kind of wrong with me that I never felt that sense of urgency (biological clock and all) and it concerns me that my status means some may perceive me as strange. It doesn't help that I have five cats, no steady man and, all the sudden, single women my age with cats have become a cliched punch line in every network sitcom. It stings, especially since I always pictured myself in a relationship with a great guy traveling exotic places doing fun things. It was never in my mind to be a parent alone and it's hard telling how different things would have been had I met That Guy in time. It just didn't happen for me. But then sometimes I'll be in a K Mart and some kid will be screaming his freakin' head off and I can feel myself becoming unwound. In that instant, my belief that I did the right thing is reaffirmed. Where I live, I'm SURROUNDED by women who should never have had children. Just yesterday I almost went off and a young woman walking down the street with four children of various ages, berating one of the young one's, calling him "stupid" and "dumb a**." My mother was a lot like me, not a natural parent (both my dad and brother were BORN to be daddy's, ironically) but she really grew into the role as I hit adolescence. And I know the exact moment when she woke up: When a gang of bigger, older girls at school were picking on me and my mom got wind of it she called the principal (I was a fourth grader) and told her to "get every one of them in the office. The ringleader was a very large girl and, when she made the mistake of smirking, my mom got about three inches from her face and told her to get that smile off her face or she'd "get it off" for her. It was like my mom snapped out of a decade of postpartum depression in the blink of an eye to protect her baby. She got real fierce and protective after that and we got stupid close. My best friend got mad because I told my mom "EVERYTHING." But when I saw that young mother ripping into her little boy, calling him names, I remember my mom saying you should never talk to a child like that, saying "If you call a child 'stupid' the child eventually accepts it as fact." People who obviously had no business being parents pi**ed her off and I've become the same way. So, weirdly, I feel very protective of other people's kids but still don't really think I'm up to being responsible 24/7 for making sure another human being grows up right. I'm not a born mom in the same way I'm not a born astronaut.
A couple of summers ago I was heading towards my front gate, on my way to my car, when two little girls on bicycles too big for them were riding past, one upset with the other. The one girl kind of jumped down quick while the other whizzed passed and hissed "stupid" (obviously picked up from their mother). The first stood there, determinedly struggling to get back up on her big bike. As I passed in front of her I said "I don't think you're stupid..." She looked at me, momentarily stunned. Then she scrunched up her face with the most tickled expression, hopped back on her bike and began peddling off, feeling a lot less "stupid." At times like that I think 'Maybe I COULD have handled the job...'
). I love my nieces and nephews to death, and would always be there for them if they needed me, but can't say I'm in a yank to have my own.
