when I am in the mood yes I do enjoy sex with him. He is in fact takes his time with the whole foreplay thing. I know alot of men skip over that part but he does not. I have offered the hand gesture but he does not want that it is either the oral thing or plan old sex. The few times I have got him just to lay there and snuggle I ended up wanting to as well and I tell him see, if you could just do this more I would want to. I tell him I feel like a piece of meat. and it seems the more I do it with him, the more he wants it. so I dont know if me just doing it when he wants would change the situation. I talked to him earlier today about this and he acted like, you know I was just joking. we have joke before about it and you never acted like this. Then he asked there must be someone you are wanting to hook up with. I think it all boils down to his insecurities even though he will not admit it. but I am learning and seeing this ,like you said a different ,not as secure side of him over the last 6yrs since I myself am showing a more confindent self in the things I do. I just finally got tired of feeling insecure and bad about myself and I dont know what happened but after my kids where born I like I said earlier found myself. I now am much happier with me and am more confindent with me. men dont like this or at least some dont.
what do you do when DH constantly wants
- Thread starter laura35
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moni_stout
Guest
>The male brain is focused on and wired for sex. All day,
>everyday. It may seem unfortunate for us, but this is how
>they express love and affection. It is the female brain that
>expresses love and affection through words and emotional
>connection. Men find emotional connection through physical
>means.
I agree that it is how men show love and affection but only sometimes. Many men have sex with prostitutes and I don't think they are showing love and affection then.
Monica
>everyday. It may seem unfortunate for us, but this is how
>they express love and affection. It is the female brain that
>expresses love and affection through words and emotional
>connection. Men find emotional connection through physical
>means.
I agree that it is how men show love and affection but only sometimes. Many men have sex with prostitutes and I don't think they are showing love and affection then.
Monica
Having been married for 31 years, I tend to agree with Diane. There will be times in your marriage when the tide will turn. His libido will slow down and yours will rev up. Then there will be times when you are both at the same level. Relationships that last go through many various cycles.
I wonder if part of it could be that your busy schedule doesn't allow you enough 'me' time and therefor you resent his trying to take whatever free time you have. Sex becomes another chore, another obligation, another item on your to-do list.
What was your libido early in your marriage before the children? It could be that he wasn't aware this part of your marriage would change once the children came along and he's now wondering what happened to the sex kitten he married. I wouldn't presume him to be selfish but I do agree that many men are as the previous poster said 'thick in the head'. They don't always hear us when they think we are just complaining.. Perhaps if you shared your feelings of obligation and explained it takes the romance out for you and told him this right after having great sex then maybe he would listen. Also have him give the children their bath and put them to bed on the nights he wants sex. This will be your clue, not the groping... then as he's putting them to bed, you can take the time to get yourself 'in the mood' feeling sexy and desirale.
Best wishes,
I wonder if part of it could be that your busy schedule doesn't allow you enough 'me' time and therefor you resent his trying to take whatever free time you have. Sex becomes another chore, another obligation, another item on your to-do list.
What was your libido early in your marriage before the children? It could be that he wasn't aware this part of your marriage would change once the children came along and he's now wondering what happened to the sex kitten he married. I wouldn't presume him to be selfish but I do agree that many men are as the previous poster said 'thick in the head'. They don't always hear us when they think we are just complaining.. Perhaps if you shared your feelings of obligation and explained it takes the romance out for you and told him this right after having great sex then maybe he would listen. Also have him give the children their bath and put them to bed on the nights he wants sex. This will be your clue, not the groping... then as he's putting them to bed, you can take the time to get yourself 'in the mood' feeling sexy and desirale.
Best wishes,
MadnNatsmom
Cathlete
>Having been married for 31 years, I tend to agree with Diane.
> There will be times in your marriage when the tide will turn.
> His libido will slow down and yours will rev up. Then there
>will be times when you are both at the same level.
>Relationships that last go through many various cycles.
>
Well, DH and I've been together for almost 25 years and it's STILL very one-sided. Ha!
I totally feel your pain. I tell him that if I could get a b*ner by just looking at something then I'd be after him all the time, too. LOL!
But, in all seriousness, this is just about the only topic we still argue about. Lately, we have made "dates". Some say it takes the romance away because it is not spur-of-the-moment, but it's helping us.
He hates being rejected (who wouldn't?), so he knows he'll "get some" on our dates and I try not to pack too much on my plate so my head won't be filled with other thoughts.
In your case, however, it sounds like your DH IS insecure with your growing independence and confidence and he's using sex as a "test" of your interest and faithfulness.
> There will be times in your marriage when the tide will turn.
> His libido will slow down and yours will rev up. Then there
>will be times when you are both at the same level.
>Relationships that last go through many various cycles.
>
Well, DH and I've been together for almost 25 years and it's STILL very one-sided. Ha!
I totally feel your pain. I tell him that if I could get a b*ner by just looking at something then I'd be after him all the time, too. LOL!
But, in all seriousness, this is just about the only topic we still argue about. Lately, we have made "dates". Some say it takes the romance away because it is not spur-of-the-moment, but it's helping us.
He hates being rejected (who wouldn't?), so he knows he'll "get some" on our dates and I try not to pack too much on my plate so my head won't be filled with other thoughts.
In your case, however, it sounds like your DH IS insecure with your growing independence and confidence and he's using sex as a "test" of your interest and faithfulness.
Laura, try to hang onto that thought. It may not be fair but avoiding having sex makes both of you miserable for days, giving in takes 20 minutes to an hour? It gives him the affirmation he needs and you are free from the bitterness and anger. It's the give and take of marriage.
>Laura, try to hang onto that thought. It may not be fair but
>avoiding having sex makes both of you miserable for days,
>giving in takes 20 minutes to an hour? It gives him the
>affirmation he needs and you are free from the bitterness and
>anger. It's the give and take of marriage.
Wow - 20 minutes to an hour! DH and I have the same problem. I can make a fuss and take a stand and say no, and we both end up mad. But it's easier to just give in for five minutes and get it over with to keep the peace.
If it did take 20 min to and hour, then that is just too much time, I'd rather make a fuss and say no!
>avoiding having sex makes both of you miserable for days,
>giving in takes 20 minutes to an hour? It gives him the
>affirmation he needs and you are free from the bitterness and
>anger. It's the give and take of marriage.
Wow - 20 minutes to an hour! DH and I have the same problem. I can make a fuss and take a stand and say no, and we both end up mad. But it's easier to just give in for five minutes and get it over with to keep the peace.
If it did take 20 min to and hour, then that is just too much time, I'd rather make a fuss and say no!
Poochy
Cathlete
The only advice I have here (b/c I am the one w/the raging labido and DH happily obliges) ... is I think your age and DH age .. and kids .. and work .. and having fun together just the two of you all contribute to this issue ..
seems the female's labido really kicks in around 33 or so .. so if you are younger than that .. JUST WAIT .. revenge will be SWEET!! LOL
If you are friends first .. and getting to muddled down in work and kids and chores .. maybe setting some time apart to do things that BOTH of you enjoy and find EXCITING will help ..
maybe you should do whatever it takes to "put you in the mood" . . and find a way to "surprise" him ... make it YOUR way .... and he has to comply .. turnaround is only fair .. right???
I just know having someone you can communicate clearly with .. and having someone you truely enjoy being around .. you find funny and exciting is SEXY .. I am VERY lucky in that dept!!
Good luck ... and if you have not hit your middle thirties yet .. HA .. give it some time .. it's gonna kick in!!! }( }(
seems the female's labido really kicks in around 33 or so .. so if you are younger than that .. JUST WAIT .. revenge will be SWEET!! LOL
If you are friends first .. and getting to muddled down in work and kids and chores .. maybe setting some time apart to do things that BOTH of you enjoy and find EXCITING will help ..
maybe you should do whatever it takes to "put you in the mood" . . and find a way to "surprise" him ... make it YOUR way .... and he has to comply .. turnaround is only fair .. right???
I just know having someone you can communicate clearly with .. and having someone you truely enjoy being around .. you find funny and exciting is SEXY .. I am VERY lucky in that dept!!
Good luck ... and if you have not hit your middle thirties yet .. HA .. give it some time .. it's gonna kick in!!! }( }(
Govtgirl
Cathlete
If you are married to a basically kind and decent man, I don't think you should ever say "Im not in the mood" and deny him sex. And you should *never* avoid him. Now of course, if you're really sick or something, that's different, but a kind and decent man would never try to have sex with you if you were sick! He'd be bringing you chicken soup and taking care of you instead.
How in the world would you feel if you put the moves on your husband and he said "I'm not in the mood" and then scooted away from you whenever you came near him? You'd be devastated hurt and angry, and you know it. Why don't you think a man would be the same way? It's a horrible rejection.
I think, the next time he wants sex, do it. Every single time, no rejections, ever. Then tell him he was wonderful. This shouldn't be an adversarial thing for Pete's sake, you're husband and wife. I bet the threats stop, and he might even start being more cuddly. You've got to give affection to get it.
And I agree with the other poster that said 2-3X a week wasn't too much to ask for
He'd be bringing you chicken soup and taking care of you instead. How in the world would you feel if you put the moves on your husband and he said "I'm not in the mood" and then scooted away from you whenever you came near him? You'd be devastated hurt and angry, and you know it. Why don't you think a man would be the same way? It's a horrible rejection.
I think, the next time he wants sex, do it. Every single time, no rejections, ever. Then tell him he was wonderful. This shouldn't be an adversarial thing for Pete's sake, you're husband and wife. I bet the threats stop, and he might even start being more cuddly. You've got to give affection to get it.
And I agree with the other poster that said 2-3X a week wasn't too much to ask for
poochy, I am almost 39 and waiting for my libido to kick in. we have three kids that are in alot of activites after school, I teach a bootcamp class 2x week, work full time outside the house, have to help take care of my dads doctors visit,medications, etc because he doesnt do it himself,plus have a household to run. I have a very physical job and I am the one that does all the homework with the kids,takes them to the doctors etc.... not making excuses but somedays I am way tooo tired for sex. I do it alot just for him and there are some days, I simply will not do it. It wouldnt be so bad but when someone is constantly pawing you and you also have three kids all over you by the end of the day sometimes you just feel overloaded and need your space.we are married ,friends,lovers, etc and yes I try to look at it from his side as far as feeling rejected that is why alot of times I DO it just for him but I will not lay down when he says to lay down, I am nobodys servant. I have a right to my feelings as well. just because your somebodys wife doesnt mean when they want sex you simply do it every single time just for them. I give affection and sometimes I would like it without sex being expected out of it.
I'm still with you on this one, Laura. This guy is selfish - "I can go elsewhere if you don't give me what I want" - this is a guy who is thinking only of himself. I WOULD tell him to go elsewhere and don't let the door hit him in the butt. I know exactly what you're going through because I've walked in your shoes with my own experiences. There has been a lot of advice about what YOU should do, like it's all on you. No, no, no! There's two in this equation, and he needs to step up and start thinking about you and YOUR needs.
crazystepr
Cathlete
Lisa-
It seems here that the issues go deeper than just sex. Her husband is threatening her that he's going to go cheat on her! He is being selfish and hurtful. No one should ever feel pressured to have sex--married or not. Your post almost seems to imply that a woman should always obey her husband and do whatever he wants--especially concerning sex. I respectfully disagree. The OP has every right to not have sex with him--especially when there seems to be very strong, deep issues going on.
She has mentioned how his mood changes so dramatically before and after sex that it almost scares her. This is not normal. In my opinion, her husband needs to deal with his own issues regarding his manic moods and they should address the sex issue with a professional.
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
It seems here that the issues go deeper than just sex. Her husband is threatening her that he's going to go cheat on her! He is being selfish and hurtful. No one should ever feel pressured to have sex--married or not. Your post almost seems to imply that a woman should always obey her husband and do whatever he wants--especially concerning sex. I respectfully disagree. The OP has every right to not have sex with him--especially when there seems to be very strong, deep issues going on.
She has mentioned how his mood changes so dramatically before and after sex that it almost scares her. This is not normal. In my opinion, her husband needs to deal with his own issues regarding his manic moods and they should address the sex issue with a professional.
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
LaughingWater
Cathlete
*nods* In addition, I don't like the idea of saying "No" when you aren't in the mood being seen as some kind of cruel denial of your husband. Or saying "Yes" just to keep peace. In my humble opinion, that's not a healthy approach to sex.
There are times when one of us isn't in the mood. We don't push each other away, but we say something like, "You know what...I'm just not feeling great right now. I'm tired/stressed..." We give each other a hug, and the other says, "That's okay. I'll catch you later." The last thing we'd want to do is push or shame the other into sex. How is that fun?
Laura, I don't want to demonize your husband, as he deserves to enjoy a physical relationship with his partner. But it appears he's being too demanding (He should be able to handle a couple of times a week). He's also trying to manipulate you with his threats. That's not love. If anything, it's "control."
There are times when one of us isn't in the mood. We don't push each other away, but we say something like, "You know what...I'm just not feeling great right now. I'm tired/stressed..." We give each other a hug, and the other says, "That's okay. I'll catch you later." The last thing we'd want to do is push or shame the other into sex. How is that fun?
Laura, I don't want to demonize your husband, as he deserves to enjoy a physical relationship with his partner. But it appears he's being too demanding (He should be able to handle a couple of times a week). He's also trying to manipulate you with his threats. That's not love. If anything, it's "control."
Liann
Cathlete
And one more thing...
She has not been denying her husband sex! The whole point of her thread was that no matter how many times they do it, it's not enough. I've read several responses here saying she shouldn't be withholding sex and 2-3 times isn't a lot to ask etc... Please read her posts more carefully and you'll see that she IS giving him sex 2-3 times a week, not withholding it. It's when he wants it CONSTANTLY that she has a problem.
I'm starting to wonder what century we are living in with some of these "roll over and give it to him" whenever he wants responses. Makes me feel like a dog not a wife... I will say though that the roles are completely reversed in my house. I am the more "aggressive" one and my DH is the one who could go weeks with no problem. So I'm always the one trying to get him interested. I do not do that by threatening him that I'm going to go find someone else to get it on with though. I have to wine and dine him. It's not all about my needs anymore than it is all about his needs - It's two people trying to meet EACH OTHER'S needs. It's a win-win situation when making the OTHER person happy is your focus. It cannot be one sided though - that's called being used.
She has not been denying her husband sex! The whole point of her thread was that no matter how many times they do it, it's not enough. I've read several responses here saying she shouldn't be withholding sex and 2-3 times isn't a lot to ask etc... Please read her posts more carefully and you'll see that she IS giving him sex 2-3 times a week, not withholding it. It's when he wants it CONSTANTLY that she has a problem.
I'm starting to wonder what century we are living in with some of these "roll over and give it to him" whenever he wants responses. Makes me feel like a dog not a wife... I will say though that the roles are completely reversed in my house. I am the more "aggressive" one and my DH is the one who could go weeks with no problem. So I'm always the one trying to get him interested. I do not do that by threatening him that I'm going to go find someone else to get it on with though. I have to wine and dine him
. It's not all about my needs anymore than it is all about his needs - It's two people trying to meet EACH OTHER'S needs. It's a win-win situation when making the OTHER person happy is your focus. It cannot be one sided though - that's called being used.
crazystepr
Cathlete
Liann,
Beautiful post. I absolutely couldn't agree more.
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
Beautiful post. I absolutely couldn't agree more.
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
allwildgirl
Cathlete
*stands up and applauds Liann*
Thank you. That was perfect
Thank you. That was perfect
story1267
Cathlete
I agree with both Liann and Janie. Sex is an important part of a relationship but it is something that should be mutual, based on caring and a desire to share loving feelings in a sexual way with your partner, not to exert control or to make sex stand in for emotional intimacy.
My own SO is pretty obliging when it comes to my appetite but I imagine I'd probably be more the pursuer if we were to ever get married.
That being said, I don't expect him to be my be-all end-all for my physical needs. I don't now and I wouldn't then. Sometimes you just gotta "take care of business".
Best of luck to you dear, it isn't an easy place to be.
My own SO is pretty obliging when it comes to my appetite but I imagine I'd probably be more the pursuer if we were to ever get married.
That being said, I don't expect him to be my be-all end-all for my physical needs. I don't now and I wouldn't then. Sometimes you just gotta "take care of business".
Best of luck to you dear, it isn't an easy place to be.
I was wondering when someone was finally agreeing not having to do "it" on demand. Because having to constantly give it up is not that much fun, it leaves one numb towards sex.
My husband wants it all the time, too and I am getting fed up with it. Five years ago he retired from the army - going from big cheese to nobody. His self-esteem was/is pretty low and he started to constantly wanting it. For the first couple of years, I did has demanded, getting it up to 12 times a week. Not what I would call making love, just stick it in/out and be done with it in under sixty seconds. The whole thing left him lazy. We are down to 4 or 5 times a week now but still no efford to pleasure me. If I tell him that I do not get anything out of these quickies he replys "Sure you do" or "But I do."
Sex for him is just physical relief. He is not affectionate at all anymore. He also drinks too much but has build up a great tolerance so he is really not getting drunk anymore. If I do not want any because I am sick he harrasses me until I almost cry.
Because of this, I have absolutely no desire to have sex. I still do just to get him off my back.
But you know what, this girl has a pair of walking shoes;-) It's just a matter of time...
My husband wants it all the time, too and I am getting fed up with it. Five years ago he retired from the army - going from big cheese to nobody. His self-esteem was/is pretty low and he started to constantly wanting it. For the first couple of years, I did has demanded, getting it up to 12 times a week. Not what I would call making love, just stick it in/out and be done with it in under sixty seconds. The whole thing left him lazy. We are down to 4 or 5 times a week now but still no efford to pleasure me. If I tell him that I do not get anything out of these quickies he replys "Sure you do" or "But I do."
Sex for him is just physical relief. He is not affectionate at all anymore. He also drinks too much but has build up a great tolerance so he is really not getting drunk anymore. If I do not want any because I am sick he harrasses me until I almost cry.
Because of this, I have absolutely no desire to have sex. I still do just to get him off my back.
But you know what, this girl has a pair of walking shoes;-) It's just a matter of time...