what do you do when DH constantly wants
- Thread starter laura35
- Start date
pink_fortitude
Banned
Okay, I am trying not to laugh but DH and I have had conversations like this too many times to count, except the roles were reversed! I feel for both of you here. I can totally understand your husband's frustration because I HAVE BEEN THERE buddy, and it is no fun to feel rejected and pent up w/ all that... yeah, you know. 
I really feel bad for DH (and you), too, because I am sure he must feel like all he is to me is a penis sometimes. He needs to affection from me just like I need sex, and it really is an actual need, not a want. As far as the comments he made to you I wouldn't think of it as anything other than a side affect of DSB - Deadly Sperm Buildup - and I am sure he didn't mean what he said (I have many, many, many, many, many, many times thought this).
We know sooooo many couples who go through this and the one thing that really helps both sides most consistently in this frustrating mess is to have one night a week set for just the two of you to go on a date: dinner, movies, coffee, dessert, whatever so that you can talk and connect to each other, flirt a little bit fun stuff. (it should be a no sex date so DH has to really be there to engage in conversation and not get distracted) I know that it is very hard and that life is busy, but if you can take the time to make each other a top priority - even over the kids - you can become best friends and you will stop thinking of each other as the source of your frustrations or another chore. You've gotta put your heart into your husband and you guys have to try to meet each others' needs and connect - it isn't just on you or him. I have learned (and am still learning) to be more sensitive and in turn DH is much more... well, I am MUCH happier now than I was just two years ago
And I agree, men are selfish little beasts; I am married to one and am raising two, but I am also raising an Estrogen Queen and can be one myself so I don't know which sex I feel more sorry for.
Maybe a guy could chime in here w/ their side?
Missy
I really feel bad for DH (and you), too, because I am sure he must feel like all he is to me is a penis sometimes. He needs to affection from me just like I need sex, and it really is an actual need, not a want. As far as the comments he made to you I wouldn't think of it as anything other than a side affect of DSB - Deadly Sperm Buildup - and I am sure he didn't mean what he said (I have many, many, many, many, many, many times thought this).We know sooooo many couples who go through this and the one thing that really helps both sides most consistently in this frustrating mess is to have one night a week set for just the two of you to go on a date: dinner, movies, coffee, dessert, whatever so that you can talk and connect to each other, flirt a little bit
fun stuff. (it should be a no sex date so DH has to really be there to engage in conversation and not get distracted) I know that it is very hard and that life is busy, but if you can take the time to make each other a top priority - even over the kids - you can become best friends and you will stop thinking of each other as the source of your frustrations or another chore. You've gotta put your heart into your husband and you guys have to try to meet each others' needs and connect - it isn't just on you or him. I have learned (and am still learning) to be more sensitive and in turn DH is much more... well, I am MUCH happier now than I was just two years ago And I agree, men are selfish little beasts; I am married to one and am raising two, but I am also raising an Estrogen Queen and can be one myself so I don't know which sex I feel more sorry for.
Maybe a guy could chime in here w/ their side?
Missy
Give it to him everytime he asks period? You have got to be kidding me. She needs to respect his desires but he also has to respect her drives and her needs. Why should his drive take precedence over everything else? If he refuses to cuddle and me emotionally intimate than she does not have to be physically intimate.
By the way, three times a week is a lot. Much more than the average household....... I can guarantee it.
By the way, three times a week is a lot. Much more than the average household....... I can guarantee it.
futurefitnessdyanmo
Cathlete
I felt the need to respond to the notion that giving him exactly what he wants might make things better, particularly to someone's post that if things don't get better with him getting it whenever he wants, then you demand counseling. I think it is dangerous to take that approach, to trick him or set yourself up with an expectation that giving in might reduce his need. If it doesn't, and given how frequently you are having sex with him I doubt it would, then you have really created a mess. He feels tricked and angry when you say you only did it to get him to want it less, or you feel trapped into giving it to him whenever in order to keep the peace.
Your honesty when you do not want to have sex, delivered calmly, firmly, and without tearing him down even if he resorts to callous remarks, is best. Those remarks he makes about cheating are an attempt to pressure you with fear, a tactic. If the tactic does not work (i.e. you don't respond by giving in) they should stop. I wonder how awkward it might make him feel if you simply said nothing, walked away, when he said it?
You honestly don't sound like you would be very upset if he left because of this. I'm not saying you don't care about him, you obviously do to put up with all this, but it sounds like you've come to accept that if he can't take the sex being what it is and try to give you some affection, then so be it. Its sad you've had to come to that, but maybe adaptive for you. It also sounds like you have a lot going on, and are not letting this limit you in any way, which is good. But, if you do decide you cannot stand it, I agree with previous posters about suggesting counseling. I don't know how much you've let him know that this hurts you and is affecting the marriage, but eventually you may just have to. What could the suggestion hurt if things continue to be this bad?
Your honesty when you do not want to have sex, delivered calmly, firmly, and without tearing him down even if he resorts to callous remarks, is best. Those remarks he makes about cheating are an attempt to pressure you with fear, a tactic. If the tactic does not work (i.e. you don't respond by giving in) they should stop. I wonder how awkward it might make him feel if you simply said nothing, walked away, when he said it?
You honestly don't sound like you would be very upset if he left because of this. I'm not saying you don't care about him, you obviously do to put up with all this, but it sounds like you've come to accept that if he can't take the sex being what it is and try to give you some affection, then so be it. Its sad you've had to come to that, but maybe adaptive for you. It also sounds like you have a lot going on, and are not letting this limit you in any way, which is good. But, if you do decide you cannot stand it, I agree with previous posters about suggesting counseling. I don't know how much you've let him know that this hurts you and is affecting the marriage, but eventually you may just have to. What could the suggestion hurt if things continue to be this bad?
Govtgirl
Cathlete
Ack, don't beat me up! Let me clarify: I said in my post to not deny sex "if you are married to a kind and decent guy". Kind and decent. I don't think threats are kind and decent, and if my husband ever did that, my head would explode. I mean, that's just not in him.
When I said to have sex when he wanted, I meant to see what would happen. If you stopped avoiding him, would his attitude change? You can't expect other people to change their behavior if you're not wiling to change yours. So having sex willingly instead of grudgingly might change his behavior. And honestly, I think encouragement to kick him to the curb when they have kids is reckless advice. She said he was basically a good man and good father. Why punish the kids with a divorce? Unless of course he is physically abusive or the kids are in danger. If the kids are in danger in this marriage, then all bets are off, you get the heck out of dodge. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.
When I said to have sex when he wanted, I meant to see what would happen. If you stopped avoiding him, would his attitude change? You can't expect other people to change their behavior if you're not wiling to change yours. So having sex willingly instead of grudgingly might change his behavior. And honestly, I think encouragement to kick him to the curb when they have kids is reckless advice. She said he was basically a good man and good father. Why punish the kids with a divorce? Unless of course he is physically abusive or the kids are in danger. If the kids are in danger in this marriage, then all bets are off, you get the heck out of dodge. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.