The Having Kids Debate

Shoegal said:
I also believe that having children is probably the greatest kind of joy - I'd love for someone to love me so completely like that even just for a little while. .
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Also keep in mind there plenty of children who do not love their parents completely, I sure don't. You need to understand that kids will hate you and that is part of the job, if they don't hate you some time you aren't doing it right.:p
 
I have 2 DD's that I adore, but I really can't stand being around other people's kids.

I don't know if you mean "having kids" literally, but it's certainly fine just to have only one.

You and your DH definitely need to be on the same page about this.
 
I LOVE kids!!! Especially when they go home to their parents :p I have wonderful nieces and nephews and my friend's two adorable kids that are family to me. Still, I don't have the urge and I don't feel guilty about it. Should I ever consider becoming a parent I would definitely adopt. Lots of people pooh pooh that idea "You never know what you are going to get." When it comes a child, biological or not, you never know what you are going to get. I went to an exhibit for children in new York State seeking adoption. One was nineteen. I cried when I thought of this beautiful young woman longing for a parent. I wondered how many people missed out on her love because they feared "never knowing what you are going to get" To me, being a parent does not necessarily entail spewing a human from your loins. ;)

I do have fuzzy four legged creatures who love me unconditionally and that's enough right now for me.
 
I don't have, nor have I ever wanted (except for a short time in my mid 20's for some reason) children.

I do like some other people's children, but not all of them.

As someone else mentioned, the general noise and chaos that comes with children is very offputting to me (I feel kind of the same way about dogs: both are needy, noisy, and sometimes smelly--at least babies and young children and dogs).

Some days, I have a hard enough time tolerating the 18-22 year old "children" that I teach!

I don't think it's wrong to have children or to not have them, but I think it is sad when those who don't want children are pressured into having them, or those who do want them don't have them. I also think that couples need to be on the same page with their desires, otherwise one will have to compromise (and there's really no in-between with having children or not having them).

I also think that in our overpopulated modern world, having LOTS of children is much more selfish than not having any.
 
I would agree with many others out there...I'm not a "baby" person...Had my DD at the age of 19 (boy, was she a surprise!!), and never wanted another after her...

Fast forward, now she's 13, my DH's DD's are 14 and 17...And here comes the baby urge...BAM, outta nowhere! I'm 32, DH is 45 (and "fixed" after his marriage of 13 years)...I don't know what happened this year, but everytime I see a baby I get this weepy feeling that I've lost my chance to be a mommy again. DH does NOT want to go through the baby phase again (I swear, I think he pukes a bit when he thinks about it).

Huh...
MJ
 
Clothesminded, it's your kind who usually make the best Moms. I'm a total baby magnet, but have no interest in dealing with kids when they're not helpless anymore. I think I'd make an awful Mom. But you like real people. That's exactly what a Mom should be, IMHO. The baby phase goes by all too quickly, but the "real people" part lasts forever.
 
I was almost 21 when I got married. I was married for 8 years when my now ex decided he wanted out. I had not been in a hurry to have children because we were young, and I figured we had time. I don't think having a child would have changed things; I would have ended up with all the work.

I have been single since I 29. I'm 41 now. I had the chance to remarry, and could have had kids, but I knew he wasn't the right man. I never wanted a big family, and if I had children I would have had just one, more than likely. In the end, I realized it was just not for me.

My parents have never ever given me any guff over not having kids. Funny, but my brother does not have children either. I sometimes feel bad for my parents, having no grandchildren. I am sure they would have loved it.

I sometimes wonder if I've missed out on something. I'm sure parenthood is a mixed bag of good and bad, like many other things. I think I would have been good at it; it's just not my destiny.

If it's not what you want, don't do it to make someone else happy, or because society says it is what a woman should do.
 
One thing you mentioned is wondering if later you'll regret the decision to NOT have children.

No matter what decision you make, there is a very good chance you'll look back on that alternate path you could have taken and wonder "what if." So if you DO have a child, at some point you may very well find yourself wondering, "What if I had stayed childless? I wouldn't have this worry! I would have done (X) with my career. We could be traveling more." and so on.

Trust me. The "what if" may pop up regardless of the path you choose, so don't let that influence your decision.

This is what you should be asking yourself:

Do you want to dedicate the next 18 years (at a minimum) to raising another human being? This job will be the center of your life. There is no time off and no resigning from your position. Do you want to do this with all your heart, because that's the kind of attitude that will get you through the tough moments...and there are many of those.
 
Thanks for the sweet words, Nancy. I think I make a great "mom" to the high school kids I teach! I seem to be somewhat nuturing in that environment.

To answer the question- Do I want to dedicate the next 18+ years of my life to a child? The answer was an automatic "no." Gosh, I feel so selfish! I agree that I will "what if?" any decision I make. I do that all the time now!

As always, I love the input everyone has given me. It's nice to see different sides of it (people who thought they didn't want kids, but now can't see their lives w/o them; those who abs. never want kids; those who have abs. always wanted kids....)

I do feel so much pressure to live society's plan on what I should do- get married and have kids. I fought the married part until I meet the right person. But now that I've been married awhile, people ask if we're having kids. When we say, prob.not, I can tell that they think that we can't. I guess I would never ask someone a personal question like that, but boy, do people feel the need to!
 
Lots of good information on here and I can't really add anything.
Personally, I don't particularly like kids and I have 2 daughters and 3 grandchildren. I do love my girls and grandchildren, but I'm so glad I don't have to live with kids anymore.
 
First and foremost, it's okay to not want children. You are not a freak of nature and you are not some awful ogre. You are simply an intelligent woman who knows her mind. I'll bet for every story about how wonderful being a mom is, there are, right here on the Cathe boards, an equal number of stories from people who wish they never had children. They may love their kids heart and soul, but the life they really wanted, had they not caved to sociatle pressure is out of reach now and that saddens them. Nothing wrong with that.

I think it just angers me that people automatically think that should you have a baby, your life would be peaches and cream. You need to do what is best for you. Sit down with your husband and really talk to him to find out his true feelings. Then take it from there. I think part of the desire to have children is the desire to leave your mark on the world. Not to sounds trite, but maybe working with disadvantaged kids or spending time in the hospital with new borns with issues can help with this. And maybe if you go with him, you'll find you do want to have a child, or perhaps adopt one who truly needs you.
 
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I am another person who doesn't love babies (never have), and never thought I would have kids. Then at 39 I had this sudden realization that if I didn't at least try, I would come to regret it for the rest of my life. I would look at moms on the street with their pre-teen and teenage daughters and feel a pang. At the same time, DH was starting to feel a void in his life as he watched his siblings with their kids. So I got pregnant at 40. For the first 3 months of my pregnancy I felt resentful and wondered "what have I done". That changed when I had my first ultrasound and heard DD's heartbeat for the first time - I started to bond with her at that point. I was 41 when she was born. Let me tell you the first two years were hard - I loved her, but I hated her demands on my time and energy, I found her toys boring, and a lot of the time it was more work than fun. The baby stage did pass - now DD is 7 and the light of my life - she is kind, and good, and beautiful, and smart. If you had told me 20 years ago that I would be a mom one day and would love my kid to death, I would have said you were nuts.

That being said, I could easily have ended up not having kids (I was pretty old when we started working on it) and I think my life would have been fine. Two of my brothers don't have kids and they & their wives are perfectly happy. Since they are all in their 40s now, nobody bothers them anymore with the "when are you going to have kids" question. They travel to all kinds of exotic places, and have money to "do things".

It's a tough decision, but both paths will have their own rewards. Don't let anyone else, or society, sway you -- you need to do what's right for your life.
 
I just feel compelled to chime in here. I will admit that I haven't read all of the responses though.

I have 2 wonderful little boys and I had them later in life. They are fun and smart and make me laugh everyday. They are the light of my life

That being said.........My whole life changed dramatically after having my boys. Someone mentioned earlier that if you adopt " You don't know what you are getting". Well I gave birth to to 2 legally blind children and one with a serious allergy problem and one with a cardiac defect. This is not meant to scare you, just to let you know that giving birth to your own babies doesn't equal perfection either.

I LOVE MY CHILDREN. More than I could ever express in words. BUT..........

It is very difficult. My whole life revolves around them. I am raising HUMAN BEINGS.... not just having babies. There is a huge difference. I also stopped having babies when their medical issues came to light. (Shhhh, don't tell the church I use BIRTH CONTROL!!!!)

I am responsible every single day of my life for 2 people who are unable to care for themselves. Well, it's much better now that they are 5 and 8, but still. I need to cook for them, feed them healthy foods, decide where to go to school, keep them safe from predators, fire, injuries etc etc etc etc etc etc. MY life is way back burner to all of that. As it should be.

I LOVE MY CHILDREN BUT.............. There are days when I am envious of others who can make a doctor's appt at whim or actually have an exercise schedule they can stick to, or get some sleep

The wonderful times are SO WONDERFUL and the scary times are enough to make you need admittance to the psych ward!!! Even now with the swine flu, what the heck am I supposed to do??? The worry and fear can be so overwhelming.

Only you and DH can decide what is best for you. PLEASE don't let anyone make the decision for you. PLEASE don't feel that you are odd for feeling this way. I know and love people who have no children and some who have 8. It really is a VERY personal decision.
I wish you the best
 
I just wanted to say think you all for being so candid. Your experiences and advice have been very helpful. I will def. talk to my husband when he gets back from business. I finally feel like I'm not a horrible person and that my love for kids comes through every single day when teaching. I love those spoiled high school kids more than anyone could imagine. I feel that they are my kids. Every year I have 150+ new kids!
 
As someone who taught high school for one year, I'd say you are a pretty remarkable person! I was miserable and literally sick to my stomach the whole year I taught--was proud to just make it through a full year. It takes a very special person to love many other parents' teenagers! Good luck with talking to your husband and with whatever directions your life takes from here.

(And just want to say I don't think 40 would be too old to have kids--have several friends that age or older having babies, esp. here in NY--I'm a pretty young mom here at age 35 with a 7-year old).
 
Well, there are four pages of input here so I'll make it brief. I love being a mom. My third is now 18 months. My oldest is 9. Everyone laughs because I spent my last two pregnancies wishing I could just have a 3 year old, but I ended up love love loving the baby stage. My personal best advice - every mom, especially in the beginning, needs another mom -maybe w/ more experience - that they can call. Because everyone will say, "is't it wonderful!." Then you feel like a horriblel person because no, at first it's not wonderful. But when that baby smiles, then hugs you, and eventually says "I love you" ... it doesn't get more wonderful.
 
Clothesminded,

Please don't discount the mark you are leaving on the world as a high school teacher. It takes a very, very special person to do that well. I have four awesome children, but one in particular is very demanding. He's a high school senior this year and three or four of the teachers he had these past few years have made the difference between his success or failure.

Taking a look in his yearbook last summer I noticed by the notes these teachers left that they were touched by him in a special way too. I don't know how I can show my utmost gratitude and so, as you go to work each day, keep in mind that you are likely making a HUGE difference in the life of any number of children. That, in and of itself, is quite a responsibility to shoulder and quite an admirable thing for you to be doing with your life!
 
I love you guys! There is never a day that I don't love being a teacher. I just love these kids with my whole heart. I'm very protective of them and work as hard as I can to make sure that they are successful. I am constantly thinking of ways to tell/show them how much I care about them. I just sent one mom an email last night telling her how amazing her son is. I just had to! I thought she was going to cry. Said that it made her day!

So, thanks for reminding me not to discount my "parenting" role as a teacher. I don't take that lightly!
 
Heh. This thread reminds me of a funny moment in our homeschool group.

The day was beautiful, and the scene was ideal. Moms on blankets under the shade of huge trees, knitting and talking, kids of all ages playing on the swings and in a wide open, sunny field, the weather just right with the occasional cool breeze.

We got on the subject of Mother's Day. One mom said, "I know this is going to sound terrible, but I prefer to have my husband take the kids somewhere on Mother's Day so I can have the day to myself."

We all bust out laughing because we knew exactly what she was going to say before she finished her sentence. We all felt the same way! :D Every single one of us thinks the day alone in our own house to do as we please is the BEST Mother's Day gift ever. I personally think it should be a scheduled thing...at least once a month. It would go a long way towards keeping us sane.

So yeah, like Ellie said, your life goes on the backburner once you have a child, and it remains there until your last child is out and on his or her own. The idea of having 3 hours alone in your own house, even just to do laundry uninterrupted, seems like a luxury. I knew that when I planned to get pregnant at 24, so I was prepared, and still there are many times when I resent it. I have to hide those feelings because I certainly don't want my children to feel as if they are a burden ~ they aren't. But damn...I can't wait until I'm done with this phase of my life!
 
Beavs, Ellie, and Laughing Water said it all better than I ever could. Those posts contain Truth and Honesty.

I always wanted children, and I love my children with every bit of who I am AND parenting them is far and away the hardest thing I have ever done or will ever do in my life.

Both my kids happen to have special needs. Maybe I'd feel differently if they were "typical". Maybe not.

Please continue to love your students - a dedicated teacher is someone who will positively affect the lives of hundreds of kids. That's big.
 
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