The Having Kids Debate

C

clothesminded

Cathlete
I need some input on this. Some background info. I'm 37 and my hubby's 47. We've been married almost 6 years. I've never really wanted to have kids and he could go either way. Some days I think it would be cool, especially since my husband would make such a great father. I, on the other hand, don't think I have that nurturing quality. Funny because I'm a teacher (high school). I love kids, but just not babies. They freak me out and I don't think they are cute at all.

So, this weekend we're having dinner w/someone who has a 18 month old boy. This kid was yelling, throwing food, knocking over glasses.... I made the comment to my husband that that didn't look fun at all (being a mom to a baby). He said "Yeah, I know. You hate kids." Well, then I felt horrible, as if something is wrong with me. My husband has expressed a slight interest in having kids ever since his mom died a year ago. My comment was that we better decide bec my eggs are dying and we are old!

I'm not really sure what my question is. Maybe is there something wrong with me for not liking babies? Do you just know when you are supp to have kids? Should someone who doesn't really like babies but would like them when they are 5 even have kids? Why do I feel so selfish because I want my life to be more than talking about crawling, sippy cups, and toys? It seemed as if this lady only wanted to talk about her baby and have all of us go on and on about how cute he was???
 
There's nothing wrong with you. That mothering thing never kicked in with me either. Kids drive me crazy, especially little ones. I just don't have the patience for it. And that's ok. Luckily my situation is different. My dh has two kids from a previous marriage so he's good with me not having any. Your situation is a little different, but I don't think you should do anything you don't want to do. Lets face it, whether your dh is a great dad or not, YOU will be the one spending almost 100% of your time with the child. If you can't handle it or have no desire to handle it, then I say don't do it. JMO.

Good luck to you!
 
I kinda feel like he's changing the rules on me. It's not like he hasn't known I didn't want kids for 8 years. Then again I feel like it's his life too.

It's nice to know that little kids drive others crazy too!
 
You are in a situation that could get tricky. All I can say is be truthful to your husband. I'm sure others will chime in here. {{{hugs}}}}
 
Nothing wrong with you, definitely! I'll tell you my story just for perspective, but I don't mean to try to influence you.

I thought I never wanted kids. My dad died when I was 35, and at that point I went through a pretty big change thinking that there must be more to life than the path I was on. To make a long story short, I realized I did want kids. I was the youngest in my family and just hadn't been around kids at all and had no interest. Well, something definitely kicked in for me. I had my first when I was 38, second at 41. I'm 48 now, and I must admit that I'm not wild about other people's kids -- doesn't really matter what age. I just feel they are foreign to me somehow. The better I get to know them, the more comfortable I am. But, my kids? I love them to pieces and yes the obnoxious stuff gets to me at times, but overall, it's nothing like what I experience when I see a stranger's kid (or even a kid I know somehow) misbehaving or being obnoxious. In some ways it's worse! :D But, mostly, it's just somehow more tolerable when it's your own.

FWIW.
 
You aren't selfish. There are plenty of us out there who don't want kids :) If you were honest with your DH from the beginning you have nothing to feel guilty about either.

I would not be a good mother (though I consider myself a fantastic aunt and I think the wee ones would agre :D ). Generally I just have no interest; specifically I can't take the general noise and chaos that seems to swirl around kids, even the best of kids.

Good luck! You're not alone. :)
 
I'm 32 and the mother of an adorable 16 month old little boy. I just wanted to make a few points that you probably wouldn't hear from other parents.

1. I don't like kids. I LOVE mine. He's my world. But I really don't like other people's kids.
--I was on the fence about having them, and my husband really wanted them. (we're trying for #2 now). I wouldn't trade my son for anything, but I really can't stand other kids. Makes for interestingly theatrical play dates on my behalf. :)

2. Kids put a terrible stress on your marriage. They are HARD work. And you would learn a lot about yourself just from raising a child, and you need to be on the same page as your partner from a responsibility standpoint first. I have many friends with little ones that were unprepared and are now in counseling, divorce, unhappy, etc...

3. It's not selfish to NOT have kids. If you feel pretty sure that you don't want them, that's a good indicator, IMO. Reference point #2. It's a LOT to take on, and if you're not totally on board for it, the responsiblity and lifestyle changes could make you a verry bitter and unhappy person...which leads to bitter and unhappy kids.

Just a few thoughts. Personally, I feel that I made the right choice. My world is a brighter place and I have mellowed so much because of my son. But I was never opposed to having him. But there are plenty of days where I feel overwhelmed and bitter and really miss my single carefree lifestyle. I think every parent feels that at points. It's just whether you can look at that little face when feeling that way, and have it all disappear.
 
I am 44, my DH is 41. We knew when we first got together over 20 years ago that we did not want kids. That has never changed. I too am not charmed by babies and I have never had a smidgen of baby lust. Not all of us are meant to be parents, and that is ok. Many women and men do not want children and are just pressured into it by society. Live your life as you want to live it. It isn't any more selfish for you to live your life like you want than it is for someone else to live their life like they want.

Please have an open discussion with your hubby and try to get to the bottom of how he truly feels about having children. It sounds to me like you might not be entirely clear on how EXACTLY he feels. Get it out in the open and discuss. Then you truly know what you are dealing with and what you need to work on.

Hope this helps even a little bit.

Take care.
 
I have to agree with the other ladies here ~ it's not selfish to not want children. Raising kids is a career all by itself, and you wouldn't want someone else's idea of a great career forced on you, right? So why be pressured into becoming a mom?

I also agree that though I have little tolerance for other children, mine are much easier on the nerves. :) That must be a built-in safety feature to keep us from going crazy.

Edited to add: Melissa made some great points, especially #2!!! In fact, in the book "All You Need Is Love," they talk about that very thing. Kids are the single greatest stressor on a marriage.
 
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Me, too - never envisioned myself as a mother (or even married), was never around young children (except when I was one), never seriously considered having one. Everyone always told me I'd change my mind when I was older, but now I'm older and I still haven't changed my mind.

My fella is cool with having no kids - I think he'd go along if I really wanted them, but it was definitely not a priority for him. We both enjoy our nieces and nephews, but after a visit, we usually look at each other and say, "We're definitely dog people." But since my guy is a little younger than I am, I worry that he might one day change his mind - so we have an open door policy for that discussion. (Until I turn 40. Then it's adoption or nothing! ;))

Sounds like you've been very straightforward with your husband; has he been really forthcoming about a newfound desire to have children, or is he just hinting? Maybe you need to talk it over again?

I always hate it when someone assumes I "hate children" just because I don't have a burning desire to change diapers or be around toddlers in the throes of a screaming tantrum. I don't think anyone likes those things!
 
I'm sure that everyone would agree that having children is a 100% complete sacrifice - you have to be prepared to give up a lot to have them. I just think that at this point in my life I'm way too selfish to have children now. I want my time - I want my freedom - I want a clean house. lol

I also believe that having children is probably the greatest kind of joy - I'd love for someone to love me so completely like that even just for a little while. This isn't an easy decision - lots and lots of pros and cons. You really have to do what is best for you - because it will effect your entire life - including the relationship you have with your husband.

I don't know if I helped at all - but I wish you the best of luck in this situation.
 
One other thought - They aren't babies forever. ;)

I'm one of those "can't stand kids" people. I would look at screaming little kids in the grocery store and thank my lucky starts I didn't have one of "those". I love my nieces and nephews to death but just couldn't imagine having a kid of my own. DH and I have been married for 8 years and we had pretty much come to the conclusion that we didn't want any EVER. Then we started looking at some of his old family slides of him and his sisters when they were little. Something just clicked with us that made us realize we didn't want to grow old and never have any of those memories. I started thinking about never having my own children and not having the kind of relationship I have with my mom with my child. It really depressed the heck out of me and snapped me out of my no kids ever mindset. Some people just never feel that way though. And there is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like your DH is having other feelings though. You two might need to have a really good conversation about this soon just to make sure you are both on the same page, if you haven't already.
 
Okay, here's my story:

I starting dating DH at 23 and we got married when I was 28. DH absolutely in no way wanted kids. I was okay with that, but refused to promise that I would always feel that way.(Just seemed to big of a decision) At the age of 32, I had a great career but found myself at a point that no matter how hard I worked I could not advance any further, while others around me were (think lack of a collage degree had to do with that). So I started thinking about having a family, and I have to admit, I never ever felt absolutely positive that I wanted kids like some women do. It actually came down to me beng more worried that later in life I would regret never having children. DH still did not want any! So many long talks later, DH said okay if it happens it happens, but we will not try! But when I went off the pill my cycle was completely messed up and I ending up having to see a fertility doctor! LOL! Boy did DH and I fight! Fortunately some medication did the trick. My first thought when I finally got pregnant "What have I done?!" Scared and nervous the whole pregnancy. Fast forward to the day DS was born by c-section. The man who never wanted children, cried like a baby the first time he saw his son and was so overwhelmed with emotion. Jump ahead 8 years, we now also have a DD (4) who DH did not want either but did not prevent. I was just scared the second time as the first. But neither one of us regret having kids. My DH now feels sorry for his brother who does not have any and what he is missing out on.

Yes, my kids get on our nerves when the do obnoxious things and can really try our patience, but your tolerance for your own kids is so different than it is with someone else's. I simply could not imagine life without my kids now. :D

Just my story, hope it helps.:)
 
Wow! You guys have some great points and stories. I just wonder if someday I will wish that I did have kids. I don't want my husband to feel that way too. He's going through a tough time right now with his job (he hates it!), so I know that he is searching for that bigger purpose in life. The "what's my life really for?" thing. He's my best friend and we always talk about everything. This just seems to come out of nowhere. Yes, little comments along the way, but nothing like what happened at dinner this weekend.

It's so nice to hear that others can have kids and not like other kids. That gives me hope that I might not be messed up!
 
Clothesminded - My husband said something VERY similar to what yours said a few years ago. I remember how bad it made me feel. We did have a talk then and decided to mutually continue to wait. It didn't feel good though having something that had been a mutual decision kind of put on me like that as if I was the one solely who didn't want kids. All that to say, I know how you feel. Been there. ;) I'm totally at peace now with my decision to have kids though, but I'm glad I waited until I was sure.
 
Since I was a teenager, I knew that I only wanted to adopt children and never have any of my own. As I got older, I really felt I was ready to adopt but I didn’t have a spouse and I wanted to wait for that to happen first. When I was in my late 20’s, my sister started having children and I ended becoming an auntie 4 times over. They would stay at my house and I’d have the 2 or 3 or 4am wake up calls, the changing of the diapers (actually made mom do that most of the time :D) the feedings, burpings, spitting ups, uh, well, you get the picture. What this did for me was confirm the fact that if I ever did adopt, I wanted an older child and I was open to what age it would be. The infant responsibilities were just not for me especially after having dealt with it to some degree. I so enjoy being an auntie and so many people have said to me that I should have my own kids which I thought by now I would. Here’s the big HOWEVER. I’m dealing with a lot of things right now including health issues. There’s no way that I would have the time and energy needed to devote to children right now and the desire that I’ve had the majority of my adult life to have them has currently dissipated. So for me, I have to go with where my CURRENT mindset, emotions, lifestyle, desires, etc. are at and not think about yesterday or tomorrow. We can’t read into the future so we must honor our choice and desires as of today. No one knows how we’re going to feel down the road. I never thought that I wouldn’t want to have kids but hey, I’m respecting and honoring where I am in life right now and will just live each day with the comfort and security of knowing that I am doing what I need to do for myself today! Oh, and just to add to the not liking the other kids thought, I love my nieces to pieces (sorry for the rhyme:)) but I could not tolerate others’ kids. I have to be able to have the ability to say what I need to when they get unruly. It’s hard for me to sit back and watch some parents not do anything to discipline their own kids. That drives me nuts!

To sum up my long story, keep the lines of communication open with your hubby. Adoption is always an option (oops, another rhyme) and you don’t have to adopt a baby. There are plenty of older children looking for loving homes and there are plenty of websites out there depicting this. Nothing is carved in stone. Don’t stress over this because you can always revisit the topic at any time. You mentioned your DH is going through a rough time right now so it’s understandable that he’s thinking more heavily about this. Perhaps you and he can decide to work on getting him settled in his life first and see where that may lead you. Try to take care of what’s in front of you before adding more to the mix. That's most important, IMHO.

HTH!

Bam
 
I'm another one that is not that interested in other people's kids but I love my own. Other people's kids are annoying and smell funny. Mine are adorable and smell delicious (o.k., sometimes mine are also annoying and stinky, have to admit).

I think it's 100% o.k. to not want kids though, and I would never be the type to frown on that decision.

Also, you don't have to limit your life to talking about "crawling, sippy cups, and toys". I probably go through phases where I talk too much about my kids (like just now with a newborn around) but I keep a variety of other interests and topics for discussion. One of my long-distance friends didn't even know I was pregnant until I mentioned I might not write her back so quickly because I expected to go into labor soon--we'd been emailing back and forth about other subjects and it hadn't come up somehow. ;)

Edited to add: Sounds like you might want to have a chat with hubby and make sure you are both still on the same page, but if you really don't want kids, stick to your guns, of course.
 
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But I'm worried that if we do decide to have a child that I will be too old. I will be 40 prob. then, and my hubby will be 50! That's when most people retire and are done.

It's a HUGE decision and one that I don't take lightly. My dad wasn't really around (drunk all the time) and my mom had to play the two parenting roles. She did the best she could, but she def. wasn't/isn't the most nuturing person. I worry that I will be that way if I do have a child. I just don't feel like I have that trait!
 
How about a foster to adopt 5 year old instead? I have a friend who fostered to adopt and it worked out. Although, it is a tremendous amount of work. So, if you really prefer just being a teacher then I think there is nothing wrong with that. It does not make you evil.

I have also chosen to not have kids. I have enough of me to be nice, friendly, and kind throughout the day at work, but by the time I'm done, I'm tired. I don't have the energy to go around to also be a mom which is a full time job imho. I used to work as a live in Nanny. Its a tremendous amount of work and expense.
 
clothesminded said:
But I'm worried that if we do decide to have a child that I will be too old. I will be 40 prob. then, and my hubby will be 50! That's when most people retire and are done.

It's a HUGE decision and one that I don't take lightly. My dad wasn't really around (drunk all the time) and my mom had to play the two parenting roles. She did the best she could, but she def. wasn't/isn't the most nuturing person. I worry that I will be that way if I do have a child. I just don't feel like I have that trait!
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I'm not sure it's a trait you just have. I think it's something that develops when you have your child. And I also think the fact that you are concerned about being a good parent gives a good indication that you will be. Those are not the issues I would be second guessing. I would question whether you "want" a child. It is a big decision.
 
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