Thanksgiving Dinner Etiquette

MAYNARDSMOM

MAYNARDSMOM

Cathlete
Once again as Thanksgiving is getting closer I find my undies getting in a wad over Thanksgiving dinner at my house with the in-laws.

So I come to you all for your opinions ;)

My SIL & I take turns hosting the holidays. This yr I have Thanksgiving she has Christmas. Every time we host any kind of dinner event - big or small - it seems I get absolutely NO help with the clean up :mad:. When dinner is finished everyone is in a big hurry to get dessert (how about we let the food settle first! :confused:) & no sooner is the last bite of pie in their mouths & everyone rushes out the door! Then I'm furious as I'm cleaning this huge mess. I did start telling everyone no dessert until the dishes are cleaned up from dinner at least (this year no dishwasher either :() I have been in tears saying I will never do this again & it ruins my whole holiday cheer. As you see it already has me in a tizzy. All snarky & crochety :rolleyes:

I was raised where if you go to someone's house for dinner it's just good manners to help clean up. I have ALWAYS helped dear sil & mil at their houses. Even after my Thanksgiving tantrum. Thinking if I set the good example.......

Any advice, opinions???? I want to have a nice day & not be in a frump.
 
I recommend telling the dirty SIL that she needs to bring paper plates and plastic wear to the dinner. This is of course not environmentally friendly but an angry Tami is not environmentally friendly either. Keep it simple for less mess. Then, I recommend enjoying Christmas at the SIL's house and running home as soon as dessert is finished. You might also consider "accidentally" dropping a few bits of stuffing on the floor for good measure. ;)
 
I'm a "clean as I go" cook, so that only leaves the actual dinner dishes for afterwards, which helps some with the mess. I say don't put out dessert until the dishes are done, and if they want dessert, maybe someone will pitch in and help. Have you ever tried asking for help? Or just say "Hey, SIL, bring me those plates off the table, please" If that doesn't work, I'd be witchy about it and not help clean up after Christmas dinner at her place, that may drive the point home for next year.

Nan
 
Tami - So sorry you are dealing with this! My full sympathy goes out to you! Last year, my DH's entire family flew out from WA to spend 2 weeks with us at Christmas. No one lifted a finger to clean anything up until the night before they left. I felt like Cinderella throughout the holidays and it almost wrecked it for me. Everything had to be perfect (for my DH) - nice plates, serving dishes etc... so there was plenty to clean after every meal. Now, my family on the other hand which is also huge has given up on that and I really appreciate it. We use Chinette plates - still nice looking, but easy to dump afterwards. We have a big trash can and everything goes in there after the meal. No one (adults or kids) are allowed to leave the table until they have thrown away their plates. We've even gotten to the point where we use plastic forks and spoons. There are actually higher end disposables that still look decent. A lot of people would turn their nose up at this, but with 13+ kids and 10+ Adults, it works for us and cuts down on a lot of the stress. Another thing that helps is to never assume that people are going to volunteer to help clean up. Sometimes you just have to tell them to do something. ;) In a nice way of course - if you are particularly suave, you can actually make it sound like a request.
 
Aawww Tami! No fun!!! (((hugs))):(
I love the idea of using the nice Chinette paper plates. There is also very nice heavy duty clear plastic cutlery you can get. My opinion is to use as many disposable dishes as possible as others suggested, but also put the brakes on dessert until dinner is cleaned up. If you use disposable and no one else helps, at least you have decreased the work for yourself. If anyone has the nerve to comment about not using china or whatever the traditional service is, I would be completely honest and tell them why!!! Explain that no one seems to have time to aid you in clean up so you're going to eliminate as much clean up as possible.
And, nice or not, I would definitely be tempted to be less than helpful at SIL for Christmas.
I do think it is very thoughtless and I too was raised to assist the hostess. Even if they object, you at least make the effort!

Becky
 
The question that comes to mind as I read this is - Where are the MEN in this equation????? Why is there no expectation that a man has ANY responsibility for putting dinner on the table or helping to clean up?
 
ITA about using quality disposable plates & cutlery AND about men helping too. There are pretty seasonal decorated, heavy duty paper plates w/ matching napkins, etc that look great on the table.

I also agree that if someone asks why, just say "Well, no one likes the clean up part so this is easiest and we can ALL enjoy the day this way."
Don't knock yourself out for people who don't appreciate the effort.

They sound like they don't understand proper guest etiquette so making announcements about cleaning up after yourself is great advice too.
 
Ah, the stress of the holidays, no?:confused:

I TOTALLY hear you and agree 100%. My mom and I usually make dinner for 30!! Our philosophy is...those who cook don't have to clean up. Works for me! Good luck - the nice disposable dinnerware is a good idea. That, and Beavs idea of leaving after dessert and spreading tidbits everywhere:p Love it! We sometimes have family over that immediately starts cleaning up and then there are those who don't lift a finger (my mom being one of them - what gives?)

I, for one, am already a little bit guilty about this but thankful when the holidays are over! It's a stressful (and fattening) time!:rolleyes:

Heidi
 
If it's something that's ruining your holiday, I think you need to be more firm about requesting/demanding help. Maybe you can practice a few different ways to ask until you're comfortable with it. Phrase it so there's no 'bad' answer: "Would you rather wash, dry, or put away?" "If you can start carrying the plates in, I'll grab the serving wear". If everyone's left the table, go to wherever they've gathered and announce that you need a few extra hands in the kitchen and could anyone help. Use the lack of a dishwasher as the reason if you opt for real plates - who wouldn't step up to a firm, up-front plea for help?

Honestly, you shouldn't have to, but the fact is that these people may not have the basic manners that we'd all like to assume are 'common' but aren't. So, if it's something that's important to you - or something that's causing so much angst for you - please do yourself (and your family) a favor and try to train them better :D You deserve to enjoy the holidays as much as your company does, and if you get the much needed help, you'll all have more time to visit together. And if they don't want to visit, their bonus will be that they can get to dessert faster so they can be on their way, leaving you to enjoy their absence...in your clean kitchen. :D
 
Thank you all for your wonderful advice!! I beleive you have convinced me to go with the disposable plates. What a big help that will be. I had been thinking the same thing about a reply when asked why the paper - HONESTY!!! :D "Easier clean up since I don't get much help" With a smile of course ;).
Like the idea of tactful ways to get help - I'll work on that. Maybe with the family too for everyday dinners.
As for the men - DH does help me since he sees how "crochety " I get over it & has told his family help would be appreciated but that apparently is where lack of manners comes in. FIL passed so no male there, New stepFIL does help some.
I will start project retraining In laws this year!!! Wish me luck!!

I'll be sure to let you all know how it goes!
 
I would gently and jovially tell everyone you would really appreciate some help cleaning up.....Make an announcement thanking everyone for coming, say you've put in a long day of cooking and am tired, if everyone helped clean up then we all could sit and enjoy the rest of the day. Put on some music and make it fun.

I'm wondering if your stress is not from the cleaning up issue but from not feeling appreciated for all that you do. Does SIL get more big ups from everyone when she hosts ?
 
Well - I've given this some thought - and I have tried to do some research -
frankly I don't know what the proper etiquette is at a dinner. Is it appropriate for the guests at a dinner to help the hostess clean up afterwards?

And while I was momentarily dismayed that you would resort to paperplates - I now believe that yes - this is the right thing to do. Disposable everything!!! Even the roasting pan. In family situations I believe the right thing to do is to help the hostess or at least make the offer to help. It is not right that they should all be having a splendid time and leave you the mess. I also believe that you should not even attempt to help your SIL in the future if she does not help you. That is only fair.

In my family - the men have a fantastic holiday - there is absolutely no pressure on them to cook or clean at all.
 
Declare that this Thanksgiving is a potluck, for the reasons you mentioned in your post.

And buy some compostable and/or recyclable plates and forks etc. and compost or recycle them when done.

Either that, or recruit a 'clean-up committee' before even planning anything else.

(may I request using a smaller font in your posts? Difficult to read...at least for me :confused:).
 
Beavs said:
I recommend telling the dirty SIL that she needs to bring paper plates and plastic wear to the dinner. This is of course not environmentally friendly but an angry Tami is not environmentally friendly either. Keep it simple for less mess. Then, I recommend enjoying Christmas at the SIL's house and running home as soon as dessert is finished. You might also consider "accidentally" dropping a few bits of stuffing on the floor for good measure. ;)
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I agree with Beavs 100% Do what you have to make it less of a mess for yoruself, i.e. the plastic cups and paper plates. Then do nothing but sit back and enjoy at your SIL. Don't lift a finger unless it is to open a present ;)

LOL about the crumbs on the floor. Sometimes being passive/aggressive is healthy, lol.
 
kathryn said:
Declare that this Thanksgiving is a potluck, for the reasons you mentioned in your post.

And buy some compostable and/or recyclable plates and forks etc. and compost or recycle them when done.
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my grandparents did this mainly at christmas b/c she didn't want to be in the kitchen cooking and cleaning. although we did help out and so did the others in the family we found it helped out more with everybody enjoying the day together and we got to sample everybody's signature dishes as well as grandma putting out an olive and veggie platter and a deli platter all sorts of salads and a few hot dishes that ppl brought. my favorite is my aunt's homemade cranberry sauce. she made some plain and some with fruit. thanksgiving wasn't to hard b/c my grandma did the turkey and a few sides and everybody else brought something including desserts. clean up was a team effort so make it be known or they can eat off paper plates and forks. honestly being hostess doesn't mean you have to stay up in a kitchen. how would you host a dinner if you are not present anyway!?

this year we didn't invite anybody over for thanksgiving. we have critical family(well in laws my mom has some issues of her own and both her and bro work on those nights anyway) and we have been through so much as a family that we don't want negativity in our home. so its dh,dd, and myself. he works 2 jobs so its time to have us time without nit picky on how we cook, how we think, how we raise our child, why we live in the city now etc etc. sometimes its just best to say SEE YA AT CHRISTMAS LOL. no guilt here and easy clean up. :D and i can spend the day on the phone with grandma in NJ(i am in VA) without nagging that ppl want attention too LOL

kassia
 
Wow! How rude! I can't help but think about how I was raised - to always, ALWAYS offer to help the host/hostess at then end with any cleanup or putting things away. Even if the answer is no thank you, at least I've offered and, usually, I will at least take care of my own mess.

I agree with "hiding" dessert and telling everyone that it won't be served until all the dinner dishes are cleaned up. I wouldn't be afraid to ask for help. Just tell them dessert and coffee will be served sooner if the cleanup goes faster! If that doesn't do it, I would stop hosting and give what they dish out at Christmas.

I hate to be that way, but, unfortunately, people get worse and worse about caring only about themselves. I don't understand what's wrong with people!

Good luck and I hope it all works out the way it should - that you have more help than you know what to do with this year!
 
Well, this is what *I* would do, if nobody ever helped me clean up. I'd have everything store bought or brought in potluck style, and use the paper plates that everyone suggested.

I'd warm the stuff up, slap it on a plate, and say "Dinner's served". When they all bail out, there's no pots or pans to wash. If anyone had the nerve to complain that it wasn't home-cooked, I'd tell them why it wasn't.

PS: Call me old-fashioned, I don't expect the men to clean up. They are supposed to watch football and burp and rave about how good the food was. To me that's just sort of cute. They're guys. :eek:
 
Govtgirl said:
PS: Call me old-fashioned, I don't expect the men to clean up. They are supposed to watch football and burp and rave about how good the food was. To me that's just sort of cute. They're guys. :eek:
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This cracked me up. My DH makes both Thanksgiving & Xmas dinners. :eek: He's a great cook and is much more willing than I am to try new complicated recipes. He likes being in charge of the whole show and I'm happy to cede the territory!
 
I like the idea of the "paper" plates! I think I will be doing that one this year. Another suggestion is to set up a "schedule" of who cleans up. Growing up the guys and gals used to take turns doing clean-up. Thanksgiving was one; Christmas was the other and the next year we would switch. This gives each "side" time to enjoy the holidays. Good luck to you!

I am also one who expects the guys to chip-in cleaning up. This is the 21st century after all :).

Carrie
 
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