stood up

kblover

kblover

Cathlete
hey all

i just needed to get this off my chest. today, i was supposed to have a date with a guy who I've gone out with two times previously. why i even agreed can only be chalked up to insecurity and desperation. why? cause both times previously, he texted me (he has ever only sent me texts) about 2 hours before we were going to go out and didn't even pick me up.

today, we discussed plans back and forth and I thought we could talk...at least that was the excuse i gave myself cause it seemed so pathetic to agree...when we went out. he was supposed to pick me up at 7pm. around 7:30 i sent him a text asking where he was (cause he doesn't answer my phone calls) and I never heard from him. I thought something might have happened but I see he's been on facebook.

Ouch! it hurt a lot...I so wanted him to be 'The ONE'. I just feel like I'm getting older and my clock's ticking is getting louder and louder. I know the end of the world is not here and I'm not old, only in my 30's, but i just feel so unwanted.

i look at myself, both inside and out, and wonder what is wrong with me that no one wants to marry me.

I just want to hide under the covers and never come out...all I can think about is 'why?'

CC
 
First off, (((hugs))) to you! I am so sorry you are having a tough time. Dating can be the absolute worse thing ever. I hated dating! I had a guy just like yours; I really liked him and he seemed so decent. He wasn't! He would play the same games your guy is playing. He wasn't serious about me and it doesn't sound like this guy is with you either (which I am sure you know!).

I remember so clearly feeling just the way that you do. I would recommend that you find some activities to get involved with, maybe find some opportunities to volunteer. Find some things that you are excited about and not think about dating for awhile. You don't want to be in a spot emotionally that will make you vulnerable to fall for a less than desirable mate!

You probably already know all this, but it helps to hear it again. Hang in there, you'll come out of this tough time eventually!!
 
Yes, big ((((HUGS)))) to you ... I can totally identify. Dating is just so HARD sometimes. I felt all the same things you do - "What's wrong with ME??", but really, there is nothing wrong with YOU. In my case, it was the choices I was making, the, sometimes, desperation I felt to be with someone that I was willing to settle for less. I got so sick of being alone I was willing to take ANYONE decent that came along (or anyone who appeared decent). Today, I am OKAY with being alone and trust that when God feels I am ready, He will put someone in my life. In the meantime, I'm doing something I never did while searching for Mr. Right .. I'm living my life! And it's pretty darned good even without a man. Hope you feel better - and kick this guy to the curb!
 
((( cheryl )))

I have no wise words, just wanted to offer sympathy. You ARE beautiful inside and out and your prince will come when you least expect it.
 
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You look like a beautiful, sweet person and I hope you find a very special man, who treats you well, very soon.

Deb
 
I am so sorry honey. You are better than this guy anyway. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect. He will come when you least expect him to.
 
Thank you!!! I so needed your support. I also go to church with this guy and if I don't see him today, I'm sure a time will come when I do. He's not the first jerk I dated (unfortunately). I really thought I was done dating jerks...guess there was one more. I so wish I had more confidence. I want to be able to say that I can do all the things I'm supposed to, like not think of him and know that there is nothing wrong with me, but those thoughts seem to creep in anyway.

I already started to line up some things to do. I am going to enter a half marathon this year and am in training for it now, but this just set me back a little. Let's just say that my eating last night was far from clean! haha

Either way, I really am thankful for all your kind words and HUGS! It so helps when there are others who can relate. Part of me still wants to know why and the other part just wants to move on. I'm trying to go more with the part that wants to move on. I just hope he isn't in church today. I have to go cause I'm running the hospitality table (donuts and coffee) for two services so I can't just skip...sigh...

You know, this same kind of thing happened to me about 10 years ago. I was dating this guy all summer and at the end of the summer, he moved, without telling me anything. WOW, that hurt! After him, I was much like you, Mary, and took ANYONE. This new guy was someone who actually fit the criteria of what I want (or so I thought) and I think that is what makes it hurt so much more.

I am not the crying mess I was when I was in my 20's...I'm more contemplative now. Just can't figure out the why. Unfortunately, I think I never will. I hate it that moving on takes so long. I wish I could just fast forward this part of my life.

sigh...thanks again.

Cheryl
 
That kind of disrespect just ticks me off. This guy is most likely a flake with everyone in his life so don't take it personally. Just cut him out completely, don't ask for any further explanation, just banish him and ignore him.:mad:
 
CC,

I am so sorry this happened.

The answer to your why is because he was a jerk and you let yourself be vulnerable with the wrong person. That doesnt make you desperate in my book. Just open hearted and aware of how wonderful love is. When the right man comes along he is going to be very lucky.

I hope the sun shines again and you soon get over this regret over a person who does not deserve it.
 
Cheryl,

I agree with everyone else, the answer to the "why?" goes back to the type of person he is, nothing at all to do with you. It is clear he is a person who has no respect and accountability, and as much as it hurts right now, it is better to know this a lot sooner rather than later. Once the initial pain of going through the rejection subsides, you will see how much better you are than to settle for someone like this. You seem like such a caring and loving person, and that will be rewarded when the time is right. For me personally, not a lot of things have come at the time I wanted, but at a time when I least expected. I have faith that things come when we are ready for them, not when we think we are ready for them.

(((hugs)))

Nora
 
Uggghhhh....the dating scene.... I'm in it now too. I was married for 12 years and went thru a divorce two years ago. I think the hardest part is that you really have to put yourself out there and I know I'm just not the type to fluff my feathers for all too see :) Then when you finally do put yourself out there for someone and they STAND you up, WOW that's really hard. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I had a guy do the something similar only we'd been seeing each other for a few months and then all of sudden he wouldn't answer any calls, texts or emails. I wasn't about to start stalking him to get answers so really the only choice was to just let it go. It took a while and in the end I just decided it was HIS issues and I was lucky it was over when it was and that I hadn't wasted any more time with the jerk! You'll get through it, time will heal and then suddenly you wonder if you want men in your life at all ;) LOL!
 
{{{{hugs}}}}

Cheryl, don't let his problems and issues bring you down! There is nothing wrong with you! It's a bit suspicious if a guy won't take phone calls from you in my book. Believe me, no man is worth this kind of self-deprication! I know it hurts, believe, I've been there so many times!

So, shake it off. Write HIM off and remember not to take any guy seriously, especially if you are really drawn to him! I only found my true soulmate when I stopped taking dating so seriously. I relaxed and was just myself around everyone, and gave up on looking and there he was! When I least expected.

Hang in there Cheryl! He'll show up when you're not really looking for him!
 
noraw said:
Cheryl,

I agree with everyone else, the answer to the "why?" goes back to the type of person he is, nothing at all to do with you. It is clear he is a person who has no respect and accountability, and as much as it hurts right now, it is better to know this a lot sooner rather than later. Once the initial pain of going through the rejection subsides, you will see how much better you are than to settle for someone like this. You seem like such a caring and loving person, and that will be rewarded when the time is right. For me personally, not a lot of things have come at the time I wanted, but at a time when I least expected. I have faith that things come when we are ready for them, not when we think we are ready for them.

(((hugs)))

Nora
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I totally agree with NoraW - you actually lucked out that this asshole showed his assholery so clearly and quickly into your association with him. I worked in the area of domestic violence prosecution for almost eight years, and now work in the area of financial crimes prosecution, and it is truly scary how gifted assholes are at putting on a good, trustworthy face to hook unsuspecting people into their webs.

Shake it off, smile politely but indifferently if you see him at church, don't answer ANY more communications from him, go do some things that YOU enjoy, and stop looking for Mr. Right - because he's out there and will come across your line of vision when you least expect it. That's what happened to me and so many others.

A-Jock
 
This post makes me cry. I am so sorry you are feeling down. Totally agree with all the other posters.

Live your life for you. The right person will come along.

Take care.
 
Make dating as fun as possible. Don't try to make someone be 'the one'. Date, have fun and before you know it you will look up and see for the past so many months you have most likely been with 'the one'.

Also BE CAREFUL! Don't be afraid to do the background check before getting too invested in someone.

Have fun!
 
wow what a jerk. i wouldn't waste my time even trying with him. seems like he wants to make his issues yours so don't give him that power. i am sure there are plenty of nice men at church you can try to date. don't even answer his texts, just give him the same respect he gives you in that aspect(be friendly but don't drop everything to answer his calls ya know what i mean).

kassia
 
Ugh! I went to church today and saw him, he just passed by and smiled as if nothing happened! Meanwhile, my stomach turned, and I still feel sick. I want to cry, just to get it out, but I don't have time for a pity party. I'm trying to take all of your advice and be thankful I found this out early and just forget about him, but honestly, I'm struggling.

I know it'll take time and while I sound like a mess on this post, I am not carrying myself around that way. I don't want him to see what he has done to me. I guess that is why I am 'emptying' my feelings here. I can't tell you how much all of your support and messages help me and give me strength to keep going. I know this will all change in time...I just gotta wait it out.

sigh.
 
Sorry you had to see him today when he left you so "raw" just last night. It hurts and it is OK to get it out, even if it is a good cry because you need to get it out. For me a good cry makes whatever issue I have drain from inside and then it goes away. Or . . . go do a really hard Cathe workout and get the frustration and feelings out in a beneficial way.

And remember there really is no why when it comes to relationships since it takes two people to connect in the same way. We are all look for someone with characteristics that match what works for us. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with either, just that the two of you didn't match up.

Now that doesn't mean he was not disrespectful to you because I believe he was - just one of those characteristics you don't want in a mate anyway. For some of us, we thought we had met and married the "right one" and it didn't turn out that way either. I spent 15 years with someone who ended up with some really bad characteristics that totally went against my values and morals. Unfortunately they didn't show until after 3 children and a huge part of my life had gone by.

I now have someone who not only loves me but who respects me, my feelings and my downfalls.

Hang in there and please come here to "get it all out" if that is what you need. Venting definitely helps it go away much quicker and yes, we have all been there so we understand ! ;)

Hope you have an enjoyable day . . .
 
I just wanted to say that it's okay to acknowlege and admit that this is hurtful and you're upset. You were treated badly, it's inexcusable, and it hurts your feelings. It's okay to be upset about it. Own it. When you do that, it's easier to move on, I think. You know he's not worth it, and it's not really *him* you're upset about, it's the cruelty with which you were treated that's upsetting. It was wrong, you're right to be upset, and you didn't deserve it!

I totally agree with everyone's advice on here, I just wanted to make sure you weren't trying to ignore your hurt feelings before you were ready to let it go--but you will, soon!

Kelly
 
kblover said:
.....cause both times previously, he texted me (he has ever only sent me texts) about 2 hours before we were going to go out and didn't even pick me up.
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I'm sorry this happened, but if you don't mind, and since you asked for advice, I will be blunt, and hear me out:

This is your fault. (I said, hear me out!!!) ;)

By accepting "dates" that were arranged with only 2 hours notice (by texting?!?) you were announcing to him that you were of no value, and that you didn't deserve respect. And so that's exactly how he treated you. You set yourself up.

You should never go out with a man unless he has asked you face to face, or nicely called on the phone, and asked for the pleasure of your company at least several days in advance.

This is not game-playing, this is called valuing yourself and telling the world how you expect to be treated. With respect. You never should have gone out with him in the first place.

kblover said:
.....I so wanted him to be 'The ONE'. I just feel like I'm getting older and my clock's ticking is getting louder and louder. I know the end of the world is not here and I'm not old, only in my 30's, but i just feel so unwanted. i look at myself, both inside and out, and wonder what is wrong with me that no one wants to marry me.
Click to expand...

Men can hear the sound of a woman's ticking biological clock. They can also smell the fear of a woman that is desperate to marry.

You aren't giving off the vibes of a person that would be fun to hang around, becasue whether you know it or not, you have an agenda, and that is to get married, period. You are probably sending the message that just about anybody could fit the bill.

I'm saying this out of caring, because I used to do this too. Once I started caring about myself more, I stepped back and thought "wait a minute, do I even know this guy well enough to like him, much less envision us walking down the aisle?!"

Value yourself. Don't let some guy treat you like crap by thinking he can text you 2 hours before he feels like going somewhere, and you are so desperate that you will actually go.

No. You tell the world how you expect to be treated and valued. I don't know him well enough to call him an asshole. He's a guy that doesn't care about you, because you announced to him that you don't care about you either.

Again, I am saying this out of caring. It is not meant to be harsh. But I just feel so bad that you are a smart strong caring woman, and you aren't treating yourself better. Why is that?

((HUGS))
 
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