Single and happy... what's WRONG with that?!?

MidgetDogg

MidgetDogg

Cathlete
I've just got to vent for a bit. I've been separated from my husband for nearly 3 years and been dating a man who is 16 years my junior for 2 1/2 years. I'm very happy with this guy, but neither of us want to get married. I like having my space a few nights a week, and having his company a few nights a week. I like when he's here, but it's also nice when he's gone.

It makes me crazy when people tell me that we need to be advancing the relationship. I got an email from my father today in response to mine telling him that my ex is finally ready to accept that I'm not going to give him alimony and will agree to my divorce terms. Dad didn't come right out and say it, but what he did say was that he hoped I would put a change of tone behind the separation. I don't exactly know what that means... But I DO know that his wife has said to me that she feels sorry for me because I don't feel the need to call people on the phone all the time. Huh? What's wrong with enjoying your own company? I've always been a bit of a loner and been quite happy with it.

I'm 43 years old, I have a child, and my own home. I have a good job making better money than most men I know. So why do people think I need to get remarried? I understand other people's need to be with someone (sort of), I just wish they'd try to understand my need to be independent.
 
I think people should be allowed to live their lives how they choose (assuming they do not choose to be murderers or rapists or something anti-social like that)!

I have been married for 10 years and certainly understand the good feeling that comes from being in your own company. I love my husband dearly but quite honestly there are times where I am so happy to have "me" time.

I don't have any advice to give you on how to respond to this type of societal pressure to be married. However, I do feel your pain in another way.

My husband and I have chosen not to have children. We are still young enough to change our minds but as of right now we have no desire to have a family outside of our dogs. Most of my immediate family has accepted this and are supportive but I have a few family members and co-workers that just don't understand. They think I am being selfish by not wanting children (which I don't understand how that makes me selfish but whatever). I tend to appease them by saying "well, we can always change our minds" or "you're right, I might regret not having kids but that will be my regret not yours."

I read a quote somewhere that life is too short for regrets and for trying to please everyone else. Just make sure you (and your little girl) are happy and I think that is all that matters!

Good luck!
 
Well I'm single & I love being single. My mother is always saying "I feel so bad for you, I wanted so much more for you in your life." WTH??????? I have never ever given her (or anyone) the impression that I feel incomplete not having a husband or children. I don't WANT a husband or children (there once was a time I did, but I have no desire to start that journey at 42). Her pity makes me a little nauseas. I have a well paying, secure job, a fabulous home, the best friends a girl could ask for. OK a guy would be nice, but not necessary to my happiness.

I don't understand why women are made to feel they're incomplete just b/c they don't follow the traditional path in life. It's kind of insulting, but it's also kind of sad--how do the critics know THEY'RE not missing out on the best lifestyle ever? ;)
 
I don't understand why women are made to feel they're incomplete just b/c they don't follow the traditional path in life. It's kind of insulting, but it's also kind of sad--how do the critics know THEY'RE not missing out on the best lifestyle ever?

I think Laura just said it all in a nutshell!!

I'm 43, single and completely content with my life....I come and go whenever I want, I can eat whatever/whenever I want, do laundry and clean when I feel like it, decorate my apartment however I want, have the whole bed to myself, and I am always in control of the remote :cool: :p
 
I am married for 10 years, we also chose not to have kids, people just don't understand that either, yet all my friends with kids seem to complain A LOT about how crazy and hectic their lives are, and not in a good way. We have known for a long time, kids are just not for us.

A friend of mine just the other day, who is married with 2 kids, they are happy, but everyone has their moments, said she would NEVER get married again, and just does not understand why people would get married a second time.

I'm not just saying this, there is TRULY nothing wrong choosing to stay single. And I have a few theories, 1. people think what works for them, will work for everyone, 2. people are actually miserable with their current situation and just want everyone else to suffer with them, 3. it's hard to break people away from accepting the "cultural norm", being married with kids is the cultural standard, and some people really can't see any other way, and really don't believe people can be happy living life differently than they/others do.
 
You hit it right there! I like babying my BF when he comes over, but it would get majorly old if he lived with me. I do it because he's a guest in my home and he works too much to eat the way he should.

I've also never understood the perception that if you don't want kids, you're being selfish. Who is losing out by your so-called selfishness? A child who isn't really wanted? I think the world would be a better place if more people would listen to their gut and not have children if they don't want them. There was a time I didn't want them either, but then thought I might regret it. I love my daughter and can't imagine not having her, but I also think I would have been happy childless.

I couldn't stand having to take a spouse into consideration when planning what I was going to do, clearing it if I wanted to buy something (even though I made more than twice what he did) and worrying if he was going to like what I was buying for dinner.

The idea of being a Golden Girl and having some old lady housemates when I get to be that age is way more appealing to me than having another husband. My BF now is very close to what I'd want for a lifetime mate, but I'd be very happy for him to be my lifetime mate living in his own apartment.
 
JanetP1507 said:
I don't understand why women are made to feel they're incomplete just b/c they don't follow the traditional path in life. It's kind of insulting, but it's also kind of sad--how do the critics know THEY'RE not missing out on the best lifestyle ever?

I think Laura just said it all in a nutshell!!

I'm 43, single and completely content with my life....I come and go whenever I want, I can eat whatever/whenever I want, do laundry and clean when I feel like it, decorate my apartment however I want, have the whole bed to myself, and I am always in control of the remote :cool: :p
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Darn, I was looking for the "like" button. Forgot where I was for a second. :D
 
I"ve been married 25 yrs, no kids and NO regrets! I have 3 sisters that are divorced, and are happier now than they've ever been in their life. As long as they are happy I don't care if they are married or not, I don't understand why so many people think its any of their business whether or not a person is married, or if they choose not to have kids. The older I get the more inclined I am to tell people to mind their own dam business! I love my husband BUT will not marry again. I lived alone several yrs before marrying...'nuff said
 
I'm 44 and right with you all - single and perfectly fine with it. At this point, I don't know that I could live with someone else. Would it be nice to have some guy take me to dinner or a show once in a while - yup. Do I let that stop me from going anyway - nope. And those single moments don't offset the rest of the time when I can do what I want, the way I want with no one to answer to but me. I've known more relationships to fail than succeed, and I've met many more unhappy-in-relationship folks than not. I can do without that. I have no kids and no real desire - I don't know that I have the patience for it. If I someday change my mind, I'll adopt - it's not like there aren't enough needy orphans on the planet! Frankly, your situation sounds ideal!!
Tell everyone else to tend to their own matters and leave you alone!
 
First of all, congrats on your independence and freedom with a man that understands it.
Second, don't let others bug you about what they believe how you should live your life.
Been on my own for 15 years with a few opportunities to get remarried, either the timing was not good or the man.

Do what you want, if they don't like it, it's their problem not yours.
 
JT said:
First of all, congrats on your independence and freedom with a man that understands it.
Second, don't let others bug you about what they believe how you should live your life.
Been on my own for 15 years with a few opportunities to get remarried, either the timing was not good or the man.

Do what you want, if they don't like it, it's their problem not yours.
Click to expand...

Yep! The only power someone else's opinion has over you, is the power YOU give it yourself.

If you don't care, don't fret about it.

I'm glad you're happy. Don't let what others think of you rent space in your brain! :D
 
I turned 33 last month and I'm single. I would like to have a husband and kids one day but if it doesn't happen then I'll be fine with it. There is nothing wrong with being single and not wanting kids. There are people in this world that should not procreate and some people that just need to hang up the marriage caps after 2 marriages.

I also like doing what I want, when I want. right now I'm focusing on finishing my 2nd master's degree and then focusing on a career (would like to do homicide investigations).

Also after seeing all of the news stories in which women are ending up dead on a frequent basis, I want the person to love but not to that extent.
 
I try to tell myself when people are pushing their own paradigm its not out of malice but because they derive happiness from their lifestyle and no other and since they just want you to be happy, they want you to have *their* happiness. I'm not in the same boat as you are but I still won't forget only being married for 2 years and family telling me how sad they were for me because I didn't have any kids and by that point my sister had 3. Don't mention the fact that I think of her three kids of my own, but clearly I need to be put on Zoloft because I have not spawned yet.

The phone thing hit home to me too -- my mom would complain to ANYONE who would listen to how her youngest never called her while she was at school. I called 2-4x/week for a minimum of 45 mins. But she wanted everyday for longer. But things changed when her life got busier...now SHE doesn't have time to call me because she's arguable incredibly busy and doesn't have time to sit down and chit chat for a very long time. And I'm soooo happy her life is fuller now! I'm thinking the wife doesn't have much to do other than whine about you not calling! And if she does...maybe she feels hurt that you don't call. But she also needs to use words to explain that to you.

Ugh...don't you remember when doing your own thing was a good thing?
 
This may have already been said, but I don't think our parents generation understands women's ability to stand on their own two feet! Not only that, but also we've progressed beyond the point of "needing" someone to feel complete, or happy, or fulfilled!

I think they're just stuck in their own generation! Unfortunately, not all women of our generation get it either!

Good for you that you are confident and independent and can get along without "having" to always be with someone!
 
My mom is all about me standing on my own two feet, not depending on a man to take care of me. She hopes I find a good man one day but she doesn't push anything on me nor do most of my aunt or grandma. I ahve a good support system that isn't about getting married for the sake of it or having kids when you know you aren't ready.

When it's time it will happen, so I'm enjoying my life as a single person :)
 
Hey guess what, psych research indicates that married men are happier than unmarried men, but married women have higher rates of depression than unmarried women. So no wonder you're single and happy! Kudos! :D
 
I was married the first time for 10 years when he left. I became a single parent with two children.

Remarried a few years later, had another 2 children and getting ready to celebrate my 10th anniversary.

In light of my life experience.......HECK NO - would NEVER marry again!!!!!

Seriously, the most balanced and rewarding time of my life was when I was a single parent. No, it wasn't easy, but when they went to their Father's, I was a "regular" person and did lots of great things just for me so when they came back, I was recharged.

Now that I am married again with small children with older children that still have many demands on me as well, I have lost myself again.

Kudos to all of you that recognize that you don't have to have a husband and/or children to make you happy. I think it is great that you recognize it.

On not having children, I don't get the logic of people saying it is selfish. That logic boggles my mind!
 
I was married for 8 years in my twenties. We didn't have children. It took me a while, but I have learned to like to live alone. I wouldn't mind getting married again, but it has to be to someone who is not totally dependent on me....likes to do thing together and apart.

I didn't have any children (I'm 42). My parents are really great, and although they would love to have some grandchildren, they have never ever said anything to me about it. Whenever someone says something to me about the lack of children in my life, I just tell them I'm doing my part to reduce my carbon footprint. They never know what to say after that.
 
Personally, I think your set-up is great! I wish I could send my DH packing a few days a week. ;) Everyone is different and not every situation is ideal for everyone. Just shrug it off and keep doing what works for you. People had been pressuring DH and I to have kids for 8 years. We DID NOT want kids. We were told that we were selfish too. I'll never get that. We did finally decide to have one obviously and I wouldn't ever change that for the world, but we did it when WE were ready to do it and not when everyone else told us we should. Now having my daughter, I can understand a little more why people kept trying to pressure me into having one. They meant well and all, but again people need to realize their situation in life isn't right for everyone. Stick to your guns!
 
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