Odd question for y'all

[meowracer]

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH

My ex DH thought it perfectly acceptable to show up after work when and if he chose to. No phone call was ever necessary in his eyes. When I actually DARED to ask him what time he expected to be home for dinner, then I was acting like his mom. His mom is beyond witch and I would never even pretent to act like her but that is another story altogether. I just sort of thought it that asking when to expect him should not even have been necessary since common courtesy and respect should have warranted him just telling me, or horror of all horrors, just coming home after work. But whatever - we went to a counselor and that man is lucky he is still walking around, breathing today b/c I wanted to strangle him. He said a lot of our problems was because I treated him like he was the child and I was the mother. WHAT??! Because I would like to know when my husband is coming home? Whether to cook for one or two? And half the time, whether he or not he would be able to find the house b/c he would be so drunk. Boy, did he get a charge out of the counselor saying that. So, my advice is to not listen to that idiot. There is a big difference between expecting respect and courtesy from your spouse and nagging and mothering. Of course you have the option to prepare a meal or not - that's not the point. If anything, I would tell you to leave when he is home, not say where you are going or when you will be back. Do that a few times - not in a mean way, just in a way that shows you, too, have a life and other things to do besides wait on him and wonder when he'll be home. And if things don't work out, then you will be happy that you went out and found things to do on your own anyway. I wish you the best, whatever you choose. For me, when I split with the jerk in my life, I was suddenly so much LESS lonely than I had been with him. I didn't even miss him - it was a relief, but it took time to get to the point where I knew, for an absolute fact, that I had done every single thing possible and then some to try and make it work (including not asking when he was coming home, even though that irritated the living hell out of me but it did quickly teach me not to care one way or the other - maybe that is the point of therapists telling us that.)

 

[meowracer]

Oh, and most important of all...{{{{{HUGS, CHRISTINE}}}}}

 

[SirenSongWoman]

You know, as I read this I recall hearing that male marriage counselors often end up dating their female clients and female marriage counselors end up with their male patients. I heard this about 10 years ago, I don't recall where, and I can't tell you how scientific the information is, but I do recall being informed marriage counselors searching for romance among their patients is quite common. And quite disgusting, in my opinion. I remember discussing it with my best friend who remarked that psychiatrists often become psychiatrist so they can work out their own issues through their patients; or put more succinctly, they become psychiatrists in a pathetic attempt to validate for their own proclivities. I'm sure there are wonderful therapist out there but I'm just as sure a lot are just bad cops causing more damage. When I hear stories like this I'm convinced my friend was on to something.

It is perfectly reasonable to ask one's husband what time he plans to be home. Marriage doesn't have to be feel like a life sentence but If he wanted to be footloose and fancy-free every moment of his life he should have stayed a bachelor. The very definition of marriage is to understand you longer have to consider only your self. That's what that whole promise made at the alter thing was about. If a husband doesn't have to let a wife know when he'll be home then a wife doesn't have to return the favor. And if that's the case, what's the babysitter supposed to do? Hang out at the house until one or both parents decide to be an adult? That can get expensive, in many ways.

Metaphor aside, I don't trust your counselor. Her advice is stupid and she won't help your marriage. At the very least, she's a twit. At the most, she's a threat to a normal marriage. Find another counselor.

 

[ldy_solana]

okay can i just add on. i asked my therapist(family therapist licensed master degree whole nine yards) and she was just as confused as i about where this person was going. i can see not constantly texting him and she said there are times when reaching out to much can make a person feel that they have a leash on them but on the other hand this you are not allowed to question when he plans to fit his family in(ie home for dinner, making time you guys to have communication time or a date night etc) seems a bit out of line. its like giving him permission to not communicate his plans with you or make you feel out of the loop or hide things from you. another thing my therapist pointed out is tone of voice or body language could have him interpret the asking of when he will be home as something else. he may be up to something and his getting mad you turning it around on you is relieving his guilt. like he thinks you know what he is up to and thus he thinks you asking him is trying to pull that information out of him.


i agree with above poster if he wanted to be foot loose and fancy free then he shouldn't have ask you to the alter. of all the things dh says i treat him like a kid about(i nag him when he doesn't do his chores like take out trash, to spontaneous with frivolous purchases etc) that is one thing that doesn't bother. he thinks its somewhat fair when he leaves for me to ask when should i expect him home. sometimes he gets a nice surprise planned for him . my dh isn't a going out type of guy but there are times he goes and helps friends out moving,fixing stuff etc or just wants to walk around by himself but it doesn't bother him that i ask. he usually asks for my cell phone(we only have one its an trac phone) that way any issues he will call. my anxiety is that he won't come back but i find ways to keep myself busy to not think about it. its a real test to control my anxiety about unrealistic things and it gives him a chance to have an hour or 2 of quiet time. with an autisitc child, the therapist is big on alone time for stress relieving but also couple time so the marriage doesn't get ripped apart by just being roomates.

kassia

 

[nancy324]

I haven't read all the replies yet, so I hope I'm not repeating anything. I've been in enough relationship therapy in my life to know that the therapist will usually ask something of both of you. What she's probably thinking is that you can't ask, but he has to be more considerate and let you know what he's doing. If she hasn't mentioned this yet, she may be thinking he'll be inspired to do it on his own. She may be thinking that a few nights of coming home and finding no dinner will get him doing it, but will let him think it's his idea. Then you'll both be happy, because you'll know when he's coming home and he'll feel uncontrolled. If she's a good therapist, you'll see that there is a method to her madness. Of course, if she thinks it's fine for him not to let you know when he's coming home, then she's a bad therapist, IMHO.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CHRISTINE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

ETA: I generally don't know in advance when my work day is going to be over, but as soon as I know, I let my DH know. If nothing else, I will certainly tell him when I'm leaving my office to come home. It's just common courtesy. Besides, it benefits me. He will usually turn on the air conditioners, start up my computer, and start preparing dinner if he's cooking something. Why wouldn't I let him know?

 

[Liann]

That's kind of what I thought, but I figured maybe I was being controlling and needed to relax a bit. We do have a lot to work on - maybe too much. I'm trying to be objective but this struck me a really weird - I mean, I do cook dinner most nights, and just knowing how much to cook would be nice - or if he's not coming home then I can cook something different for my DD and myself. I could understand if I needed to let him go out and do things and if he said he was meeting friends, then let him go (which I've done all along, by the way). Maybe other folks here have other ideas.

Sounds like your counselor is a man! (but I did noticed you said "she") There is nothing wrong with wanting to know when he'll be home. It's called "COMMUNICATION". Your counselors advice sounds ancient - "Me man, I can come home whenever I want and the woman can deal with it."

 

[ldy_solana]

Sounds like your counselor is a man! (but I did noticed you said "she") There is nothing wrong with wanting to know when he'll be home. It's called "COMMUNICATION". Your counselors advice sounds ancient - "Me man, I can come home whenever I want and the woman can deal with it."

communication seems to be the downfall in many marriages! i see the point in nancy's post as well as what somebody else mentioned but with the one on one session it SHOULD have been explained why she stated what she did state and not just let things lie the way they are now(don't ask him nothing period so explanation why we do this). i know my therapies have one couples and one one-one sessions. and while it may confuse me at couples during one-one she will explain why, b/c its not productive to leave one wondering why. i have anxiety and tons of it and it helps to ease and work with the process better if i know WHY we should try something. not just "this is it do it this way and no reason why i should explain it".

maybe if she explained why it should be this way THEN maybe we wouldn't be scratching our heads why. doesn't seem professional to not explain the process to but that is JMHO based on my experience.

kassia

 

[Gayle]

{{{{{Christine}}}}} - I haven't read all the replies, but I don't understand you counselors reasoning behind this suggestion. My gut reaction is similar to Clare's.

I think it's pretty reasonable to have an expectation as to when your spouse is going to be home, from a logistical standpoint for dinner planning, but also just to know that he/she isn't lying unconscious in a ditch somewhere.

Knowing where your spouse is and when they're likely to be home is not controlling.

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Beavs]

The SO and I almost always discuss when we are coming home. I know if I didn't give him an idea he'd get worried as I would for him. We are both busy so this helps us coordinate our plans. I don't think you are being unreasonable and I wouldn't appreciate the counselor's mind games.

 

[gettingfitmom]

k i am confused by the counselor's meaning behind this. he is your husband you have a right to ask if he has plans so that you don't sit around waiting for at home and you can make your own plans! what if you want to go out for dinner, r u suppose to just sit around and see if he is going to come home so you can go out together or go out on your own then he gets pissed if you are not home if he comes home for dinner?

totally confused as you are right now. i ask my husband all the time when he expects to be home from work so i know to try to be here when he gets home and he has some time to spend with his child and we can have some time together.

sorry but IMO that seems weird. its not controlling its just seeing what page he is on so you know what plans you can make.

kassia

Kassia, I agree! I ask my husband everyday what time to expect him home. His hours vary each day. I don't think this is a "controlling" question either.

 

[jnka825]

my two cents

First of all, I want to say hang in there, girl! This seems to be a difficult time for you, and I hope that it gets better soon!

I agree with a lot of the posters. It is perfectlty reasonable to ask you DH what time to expect him home. i am concerned b/c you said the counselor told you to not ask and when and if he comes home to accept it. So is he living with you or just coming home some days? I know a couple that was in counseling and the husband basically was living with his cousin and the counselor told them that in order for their marriage to even have a chance of working, the husband had to live at home only. How can you work it out if he isn't home?

If it were me, and my husband didn't tell me when and if he was coming home, I would feel as though he disrespected me. If he told me I was controlling for asking him where he was or what time he was going to be home, I would think RED FLAG and wonder why it was such a problem. How is it controlling to want to know when DH is going to be home or where he is going and with whom if he is not?

I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. Just hang in there!

 

[MAYNARDSMOM]

I too think this is a normal question to ask. He is your HUSBAND not your boyfriend! It's common courtesy. My dh tells me if he's going to be late. And I also think you should expect him home for dinner. Why wouldn't you, he's your husband !
Have you explained that you are not trying to be controlling - just being a wife.

 

[Pearlstrand]

Odd...

I agree -- it is a matter of courtesy and consideration to tell your spouse what time you'll be home, and to call if you're going to be late. How would you know when to start worrying if he didn't arrive?

Maybe your counselor can suggest to DH that he provide the info without your prompting, so that you won't seem controlling (not that you are). Perhaps if he were more forthcoming with info, you wouldn't have to ask in the first place and then he wouldn't feel like you're being bossy. In my opinion, he can't have it both ways -- don't ask/don't tell!

Frankly, I don't think a marriage consists of two people coming and going as they please, with no accountability to the other. It's a partnership, not a boarding house!

Good luck with this counseling. It's great that you're going for help, and I hope it makes a difference for you.

 

[marnold]

Christine,

I am by no means an expert, but this sounded wanky to me. My theory on marriage is that it is a partnership. My husband and I have been married since 93 and we have always told each other when we would be home. Albeit, we were married young and DH and I both had issues with "you are controlling me" during the early years but I think we grew out of that. The first couple of years were the hardest because we were both so independent. Over time, we realized that a simple phone call is the nice thing to do so that your spouse doesn't worry, hold dinner for no reason, etc. etc. Again, this counselor sounds a little wanky to me. (Sorry I couldn't think of a better word...if that is a word.) I am not sure where your counselor is coming from but I would have argued with the person. What happened to simple courtesy? On a positive note, I think talking out your problems with a third party could prove useful even if the counselor is a little off the point.

My DH and I are going to counseling for a myriad of issues. We had a session today and one thing the counselor said kind of raised a brow - and I wanted to run it by y'all as there are so many different personality types here. Maybe I'm over thinking this...

She said that I should not ask him what time he would be home. That he would come home when he wanted and that I should be happy to accept that, if we were going to make this work. The reasoning is that he feels I'm controlling him by asking him this - I do text him every afternoon asking when he'll be home so I know when to expect him or whether he plans to meet friends or whatever - he's pretty social, so I don't always know. That I should not expect him home for dinner, but if he shows up, that's great. I do, always, have the option not to make dinner, of course - he should not expect me to do that.

Just interested in your thoughts on this.

 

[Stephanie0523]

Sounds like your counselor is a man! (but I did noticed you said "she") There is nothing wrong with wanting to know when he'll be home. It's called "COMMUNICATION". Your counselors advice sounds ancient - "Me man, I can come home whenever I want and the woman can deal with it."

I totally agree with Liann! I have three kids, and I sometimes count the minutes until DH comes home. If he doesn't call and tell me if he's running late, then I get pretty upset. That's not controlling. It's marriage. When I was working too, I'd always call if I had to stay late. It's just common courtesy. Plus, if you're wanting to know when he'll be home because you're making him a hot dinner that you want him to enjoy, then I can DEFINITELY not see a problem in it. He should be thankful you cook for him!! Next time I'd just set out a loaf of bread and the pb and j and tell him that you didn't know what time he'd be home so you didn't cook. A few nights of this and I'm thinkin he'll call.

 

[hiitdogs]

I am not sure about the texting every day to ask when he will be home. I can see that he may feel that he is being controlled whereas you just want to know how to plan your evening.

DH is notoriously late, it drives me bunkers but I have just learned to deal with it. I try not to ask him when he is going to be home, just make dinner for me and the kids. If he is home in time, fine, if he is not, fine too.

Has your DH said that it bothers him? Personally, I don't see the big deal but if it bothers him, you will have to deal with it and figure out a solution that both of you can live with.

I think the bigger issue is what you mentioned in your post was that the counselor said that she thought this marriage can't be saved. Personally, aside from someone being physically or mentally abusive, I always think a marriage can be saved IF both want to. If you and your DH want to try and work things out I would be worried that a marriage counselor who thinks this is beyond repair would (maybe subconsciously) work toward justifying her opinion, kind of like a selffulfiling prophecy.

Aside from the fact that I think that as a professional she should not voice HER opinion if a marriage can be saved, it is her job to guide people through this and organize their own thoughts as to what to do and how to proceed.

I am so sorry you are going through this (((((((Christine))))). Whatever happens though I know you will come out of this even stronger than you were before.

 

[worseenemy]

Chistine
everyone has said pretty much all. What I want to said is that,HAPPY WIFE IS HAPPY HUSBAND. So I don't know why calling him is such a bad thing for him....
Sorry if this is not a big help but if I was you, I would do my normal life with out him every day,cook normal I don't know if he know what means eat leftovers, is not a bad thing but when he learns to communicate then he won't have to eat solo. on the weekend I will go out with my kids live him along at home,maybe invite him but that's it,let him miss you.( or maybe that what he need be along)
I do call my husband every day when hes here, and that is normal ,we did have some trouble at the begening but that was part of the process of been with someone else....
We have to learn that we are one..and very important piece of this game....
good luck to you I hope everything work out for you and hang in there....you are not along...

Eunice

 

[SirenSongWoman]

Talk about funny. I watch a lot of crime shows (watching one right now, actually) and any time a spouse disappears and the wife or husband doesn't know where they went guess who the #1 suspect is in the individual's disappearance is? Yup, the spouse who doesn't know where the Hell their partner went. Even cops expect one spouse to have a clue where the other one is! I mean, can you imagine telling the police "Well, our marriage counselor told me not to bug him about where he's going... not to text... or call..."

 

[Brighton]

(((HUGS))) to you Christine... Everyone really has pretty much said it all, but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Your family will be in my thoughts. Hang in there!

 

[andtckrtoo]

I agree that texting him daily is not a good thing (there are reasons for it, but I need to loosen the reins there a bit). I'm going to propose that I will expect him home around 6:30. If he's going out, he just needs to let me know. If I don't hear from him by 6:30, then I do reserve the right to text him to find out. That way he can prevent the text by being proactive.

As for the counselor - I totally agree with everyone who says that this counselor seems to think that our marriage is doomed. That there is no way to save it. I was ready to call it quits yesterday, but now I'm thinking I should give it one final shot and put my heart into it fully with no reservations - and hopefully he will, too, but that's up to him. I invited him to lunch (he is at the gym and hasn't responded - he may have work stuff to do which is fine - if not lunch, then later today over drinks or something) to talk about how we can start accentuating the positives in our relationship (I think we've spend enough time on the negatives - we know what those are) and try to move forward.

Oh, and I want to find a new counselor.