Looking for advice for my friend regarding her new bf

B

BAM

Cathlete
My friend has been dating this guy for just a few weeks. She really likes him and it appears that he really likes her but, of course, it's brand new. (Isn't everything wonderful at the beginning stages? ;) ) There's one issue that is bothering her and I don't know what to suggest so I thought all of you experts could give some advice. Whenever they go anywhere and he meets women that he knows, he gives them a quick kiss hello on the lips. There's a restaurant where he knows a lot of the workers so he could be kissing multiple women in one evening. My friend is turned off from this as she feels he kisses them (albeit a quick peck) then he will kiss her as the evening goes on and she doesn't want to be kissing other people's leftovers! :eek: I feel the same way. I know some women that give quick kisses hello on the lips to other women as well as men. She certainly doesn't want to come across as a nag and turn him off so how should she delicately handle this without it seeming as though she's a complainer, whiner, etc.?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Bam
 
Well, I'm much the "tradionalist" if you will, and I would tell him I don't like it and if he continued to do it, I would leave him. Plain and simple...WHY LADIES?? Because my mans kiss should only be held for my lips!!
 
So what does your friend propose? That he kiss them on the cheek or not kiss them at all and maybe give them a hug instead? Just curious.
 
Alana, I hear what you're saying but how she approaches it is the key. If he's really a great guy with this one thing that bothers her, she doesn't want to say something that needs to be addressed in a way that could end a potentially good relationship.

Fit Mommy, I think she'd be fine with kissing on the cheek and/or a hug.

Bam
 
I kind've wonder what the people that he is kissing think about it? If it were me, I wouldn't like it! A kiss on the cheek or a hug yes, but not a kiss on the lips! I don't think I have any good advice for her on how to bring it up with him. This early in the relationship it might scare him off thinking she is being jealous and overly possessive so she does need to tread lightly!

Pam
 
How would you feel if he had a kid and kissed the kid on the lips before her (considering how slobbery most kids mouths are)? Nothing grosses me out more than seeing a parent eating on the same spoon as the one they're using to feed a kid who's drooling everywhere. Unless he's kissing the other women and then directly going in for a kiss from you, I don't really see the issue. He does it with everyone, so it's not like he's just kissing one person, and he's not doing anything other than a peck, so.....
Sounds like a bit of jealousy to me, which is unfortunately something you have to deal with yourself.
 
Is he from a foreign country maybe? Even so, they usually kiss women on both cheeks, not the lips. That is truly weird and I don't think I'd like it at all if he was my boyfriend.
 
He's not from a foreign country. I've seen people do this and again, I personally am not fond of it. My own bf has a female friend that kisses all males on the lips. We don't see her frequently but if it really hits me at the right (or wrong) moment ;), I may suggest to him to give her his cheek when she goes to kiss him.

As pgeiger mentioned, she doesn't want to come across as jealous or possessive. She's not that type of person at all it's just this one thing he does.

Bam
 
well if she can deal with a kiss on the cheek or better yet just hugs, then that's not a show stopper for the relationship. but if she's uncomfortable with it she should just say that to him. if he doesn't like it well then, maybe it might end. not saying she's jealous but there is a line not to be crossed and well...kissing others on the lips, well that may be a FINE LINE. just as long as she's happy with the end decision is what matters.
 
I've been out of the dating scene for ages (married 22 years) but IMO since he's been doing this before he met her, I think she should just accept it as what he does.

If I were dating a man for less than a month and he started telling me he didn't like this or that, I would be very turned off and wonder what else he was going to try to change about me.
 
Isn't there also a cleanliness factor here too? Maybe she's just one of those germaphobe people. I mean think about it, what if one of those people had mono, or herpes or even just a cold? Maybe approach it that way (even if it's not the case) and just tell him it kinda grosses her out. That way she's not TELLING him not to do it, but if he's a nice guy, it will probably make him think twice about doing it in front of her.
 
I have to agree about the germ factor. I wouldn't want someone else's "stuff" to be passed on to me. I emailed my friend and suggested that she say the following to him:

"I have a request to ask of you. When we're together and you see your friends, would you mind just kissing them on the cheek instead of the lips? It's by no means a jealousy thing it's just that I have images of germs being passed on. Would that be o.k.?"

I told her to just say it in a real casual tone and this way she gets her point across, doesn't sound demanding, asks him if that would be o.k. (although it *amn well should be :D) and then let him take it from there. She'll learn a few things based on how he responds.

Thanks everyone for your input. These things can be so touchy especially early on in a relationship.

Bam
 
OK, I am not going to mince words here. I am going to tell it like I see it. I think he is gay. I have never known any straight man to act like that. If a man has lots of women for friends, then my gaydar goes off!!
 
fawn 001...THAT'S A GOOD POINT!! ya know, now that you've mentioned it, I am thinking twice about that! I don't know ANY straight man to kiss girls in a friendly "way"....hmm...well there's a first time for everything I guess! lol
 
I could see your point but he isn't gay. (Good deducing, though! :) ) I think it could be a way of connecting with a woman without all the effort that goes into a girlfriend. He's been divorced for several years and his wife cheated on him which has made him very leary of dating so perhaps this is his way of keeping a connection while maintaining a distance. He's going to have to figure out a way to come to terms with it if he wants to have relationships in the future, especially with my friend.

Bam
 
BAM said:
My friend has been dating this guy for just a few weeks. She really likes him and it appears that he really likes her but, of course, it's brand new. (Isn't everything wonderful at the beginning stages? ;) ) There's one issue that is bothering her and I don't know what to suggest so I thought all of you experts could give some advice. Whenever they go anywhere and he meets women that he knows, he gives them a quick kiss hello on the lips. .........

Thanks for your thoughts.

Bam
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There are a few traits I would not be able to accept in a significant other. My deal breakers are
- Talking about women in a disrespectful/lewd manner
- Smoking - cant stand the smell
- There is a probably long list here...luckily I have been married for 18 years to a man who has none of these traits so I dont need to figure out my list....
-....and I just realised after reading your post that my list ends with kissing everyone on the lips, even if platonically. For me it is a hygiene thing - blech! It is also behaviour that is likely to invade personal boundaries of most people. I would be most annoyed if a friend (male or female) tried kissing me on the lips instead of a hug or a peck on the cheek, so I would hate to be with someone who inflicts this on the world at large.

I dont care of the person is ideal in every other way, it would be unrealistic to think I can live with these "no-no" behaviours for the rest of my life.

But then again, I can probably accept a lot of behaviours other women cannot stand.

We all have our own set of non-negotiables, annoying-but-overlookables, some-people-find-that-annoying-but-I-dont-care, etc.

If your friend considers lip-kissing a non-negotiable, my advise to her would be to lose no time telling him. If he cant accept her view, and she cant accept his kissing, it is better they learn that now.

If it is annoying-but-overlookable, she should probably wait to see how things develop and broach it with tact when they have established a sound enough footing.
 
Oddly enough, some people are just raised that way. DH's family and friends from Cleveland do this - with family, friends, etc. I was raised with just hugging so it always makes me feel odd and I just off set the kiss and hit their cheek. Maybe they are offended, but I just don't want to kiss my FIL on the lips! I have always found it really odd, but it's not a sexual thing at all. Just a way to say hello and goodbye.

I agree with the "germ" aspect, though. DH and I have talked about the differences and how I feel - he doesn't do that, thankfully, with our friends around here - just the family and friends at home.

If this really bothers her, she should just say something. I agree with another poster - if it bothers her now, how much more will it bother her in the future if not nipped in the bud now?

Heidi
 
buckeyegirl said:
Oddly enough, some people are just raised that way. DH's family and friends from Cleveland do this - with family, friends, etc.
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Yep. I have family and friends like that back east. I will aim for the cheek because I am protective of my 'space' (for lack of a better word). But that is just how some people are raised.

BAM - I think the suggestion you made to your friend was great. She's not telling him to stop that completely, just when he's with her and it just has to do with her level of comfort and anti-germ-ness. I think if she can keep it as a more casual comment, and make it when she knows they're about to talk to a female friend of his (as opposed to during a quiet time together when it could be perceived as awkward and controlling) or just after, I think it will be received much more openly.
 
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