I know I'm old-fashioned but...

L Sass

L Sass

Cathlete
We haven't had any real controversy on here lately, and I'm sure this will probably spark some, but I have to vent.

I received a baby shower invitation to my cousin's girlfriend's baby shower. I didn't even know he was dating soemone (and I still don't know that.) No wedding, no living together, no long term plans of any kind. I know I'm old fashioned, but I think "no marriage, no shower" I know precautions aren't always taken and "mistakes" for lack of a better word, occur, and that people even plan on having babies out of wedlock. All that is fine: people make their own choices and I have no problem with any of that.

But I think it takes a lot of nerve to ask unknown relatives of "the baby's father's family" to pony up, buy a present, and attend a shower when there are no plans to do anything long term. My cousin is a real loser and will likely be in jail (again) when the child is born. But because I think it's wrong to reward this type of activity, I have no desire, and don't feel any obligation to go to this thing. Then I will, of course, be the arrogant black sheep. Am I wrong here?

Lorrie
 
I don't think you should give gifts to people unless you want to. I always have a problem when people who aren't otherwise involved in my life invite me to graduations, showers, weddings..what have you..just to get a gift. I usually don't send one if I'm not attending the party unless it's for a close friend or relative that I love.

I say skip the gift.

Michele
 
I don't think you should have to send a gift either because I probably wouldn't. But you could look at it in the way of it will be used for the baby so it is for the baby ultimately and not for the two of them. If you look at it in the baby's point of view, it didn't ask to be born so should it have to suffer for the sins of its parents?! I don't know, if I was in that situation though I only give gifts to people I am close too or if I am going to a party or something so the decision is ultimately up to you. And don't worry about being the black sheep, it is your money and not theirs so it is your decision.

Toni
 
>I don't think you should give gifts to people unless you want
>to. I always have a problem when people who aren't otherwise
>involved in my life invite me to graduations, showers,
>weddings..what have you..just to get a gift. I usually don't
>send one if I'm not attending the party unless it's for a
>close friend or relative that I love.
>
>I say skip the gift.
>
>Michele


Absolutely-Positively-Agree 150%. It is just plain tacky-tacky-tacky to send out invites to people you don't even know or see once a year...just to get a gift. I wouldn't be sending anything or attending.

My MIL tried this tactic when Dh and I were getting married. When I got the invite list from H's side it had over 350 names! I told H-to-be that no way were we having a gigantic wedding like that (we were paying for everything ourselves) and just who the heck were all these people anyway...so we went through the list...his mother was inviting 3rd and 4th cousins who lived in California and had never even met H...or HER for that matter. I couldn't believe how tacky she was. We took everyone off the list that H did not know and regularly see at family function's. Whittled it down to about 40 some relatives from a list of 350 names!!
 
IMHO, no one should be obliged to give a gift unless they want to. Family or no family. But, why punish the child because it's your loser cousin's offspring? Since it is inevitable that the baby is going to be born, wouldn't it be kinder to help the mother help the baby? Just a thought.

My granddaughter was born out of wedlock and my DD and SIL did not get married until she was nine months old. DD did not want to marry SIL just because he was the baby's father. SHe wanted to be sure. SIL is the best father I have ever seen. We love him dearly and are happy things worked out for them.

Life doesn't always go the way of societal standards.

Good luck with whatever you choose.
 
Hi Lorrie,

I wouldn't care about the marriage thing so much...things happen.

What would bother me is the fact that you were not even AWARE of this gal! Why would you be interested in attending a shower for a girl you never had a clue your cousin was even dating!?!

I don't think you are wrong. I wouldn't want to go either.
 
My brother-in-law got his girlfriend pregnant over a year ago. They live in another state so I hardly talk to my in-laws. Actually kind of like it that way. :)

However she did send my an invitation to her babyshower. But here is where it hit below the belt. I had just gone through a D&C from my second miscarriage and she knew that. So I thought it was very cruel to send me an inventation specially because she new what I was going through and new there was no way I would be able to get away from work to attend. I had to take off 2 weeks to have the surgery. And to top it all off she doesn't even like me and we don't get along.

It was very clear that all she wanted was a gift and she had been asking for all my baby clothes from my first child that I was saving to use with my second. I couldn't beleive the level of this girl!

Well needless to say I didn't go, I didn't send a gift, I didn't even respond. Now when we go there to visit she tries to make me feel uncomfortable and gives me the evil eye when ever looking at me.

I am not here to be your money tree, and to top it all off they way she went about it after my second miscarraige was just wrong. So I don't blame you for feeling like you do. Some people think they are entitled gifts just because they are having a party.

That is my 2 cents anyways, oh and just to let you know I successfully had my second son back in October!:D But didn't invite her to my shower or send an annoucment. HA HA

I am normally not that type of person, but when it calls for it I sure can be.
 
I would guess that they probably invited you because they didn't want to leave anyone out. If you're not really close to your cousin and don't know the girl, just don't bother going and don't feel like you need to buy anything.

Kristy

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good
 
I'm old fashioned too, but a real softie.....maybe they are throwing her a shower cause she really needs the help....I know you are not close to either one and we can't hep everybody in the world....I don't know, if the baby's dad is going to be in jail by the time the baby is born, maybe she needs all the help she can get. Just a thought, but then again, I am just a mush.

Donna
 
I've been wavering on whether or not to respond. I have a big extended family who expects the others to step up to the plate when something like this happens and help out. I'd probably be more insulted if I did NOT get the invite, as it would mean I'm not part of the family. But, I do understand where you're coming from and I can see your point of view as well.

I think, if you can comfortably afford it, a practical gift of onesies or diapers or something like that would not hurt. As Donna pointed out it sounds like this child is coming into this world in a precarious enough situation. I guess I'm also a mush...
 
Lorrie, I totally sympathize with your feelings about this and I think you're justified in feeling that way. That said, ultimately I agree with Christine and Donna. I'm a mush too and my thoughts keep returning to this baby who didn't ask to be born under these circumstances. If your cousin turns out to be the deadbeat you expect him to be, then whether or not the mom is also a deadbeat or ends up being a struggling but responsible young single mother, in either case this baby will need every scrap of kindness and help available.

I like the idea of a practical gift that will fill the baby's needs, not the mother's needs. You don't have to spend a lot of money on this, either -- even a few onesies or a giant bag of diapers will be a big help.

But if you decide that your heart's not in this, Lorrie, I'd understand that and FAR be it from me to say you're wrong or judge you. Trust your instincts on this one.

http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-001.gif
 
I can understand why you don't feel obliged to buy a present for someone who you aren't close to. But I wish you'd rethink you're views on showers and marriage. A baby is something to celebrate, regardless of the parent's marital status! She deserves a shower.
Amy:+
 
For me, if it feels like you're being taken advantage of, you probably are. I guess I don't mind 'giving' a gift, but I do resent being forced into it with emotional blackmail or social pressure, i.e. being invited by people who know you'll do the socially correct thing and send a gift. I, too, however am mush when it comes to babies...

I'd send a card for the shower (an EMPTY one!) expressing congratulations and good wishes, without attending. Then, when the baby is born, I'd send a practical gift specifically for the baby's immediate needs: diapers, formula, onesies, carseat liner, etc. I'll be hoping that everything works out for your whole family - sounds like it could be a rough road for all! Good luck!

KC
 
>I would guess that they probably invited you because they
>didn't want to leave anyone out. If you're not really close
>to your cousin and don't know the girl, just don't bother
>going and don't feel like you need to buy anything.
>
>

Ditto. An invite is just an invite....nothing more and nothing less. You are under no obligation what-so-ever for a gift or otherwise. I honestly would not read anything more into it. Send them a nice card wishing them well.

Robin
 
Ok, this thread has really struck a chord with me because I am in the unfortunate position of being from a large extended family that includes one incredibly superior and judgmental branch. I absolutely cannot stand these people yet I am forced to include them in invitations to events because my poor mother needs to keep up some illusion of connectedness to her siblings. Therefore, I invite them and pray to god they won't show up, and they generally don't, since I am divorced and therefore am considered a likely candidate for hell. One can't be too careful of one's passage to salvation, you know. :7 (ugh!)

Lorrie, based on your remarks about him, it is likely your cousin already knows how you feel about him and has probably only included you to be inclusive of family (in much the same way that I am forced to invite people that consider themselves above me to my events). Wouldn't the honest approach be for you to not go rather than to attend and pretend you're happy for someone when you're not? At least let this girl have the honor of celebrating her child's birth with people who actually wish her well.

And since this thread seems to have turned into a rather congratulatory exercise in judgmentalism, I will say that I am just amazed by some of the opinions expressed here. Why does anyone think it is their concern whether two people get married or stay married? Why should other people be expected to shroud their child in shame just because you don't like their lifestyle choices? It scares me how eager we are to judge people (and then really amuses me how offended we are when judged in return.)

Let me also say that I have been editing this note for the last 20 minutes in the hope that my initial reaction of being really, really pissed off has worn off some. :) :)

Lorrie, I don't mean to offend you, really. Obviously the topic was personal to me.

Marie
 
>I think, if you can comfortably afford it, a practical gift of
>onesies or diapers or something like that would not hurt. As
>Donna pointed out it sounds like this child is coming into
>this world in a precarious enough situation. I guess I'm also
>a mush...

Even though I am very old fashioned, I agree with Donna and Christine. The baby is innocent regardless what the parents have done or what type of people they are. Let's just hope that the your cousin and his gf give the baby a caring home, other wise, I think it's just creating problems for the society. Kids now-a-days....*sigh*:-(
 
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