Why get married?

binky2017

binky2017

Cathlete
I recently got married and need some help understanding some things after having a rough day at the DMV.

Can someone explain to me why it's so easy to changed your name on your Social Security card using your marriage license but to changed your drivers license they won't except my marriage license? Plus, why do the women have to change their name?

I just think that getting married is about a piece of paper that doesn't even prove that you are married. Yeah, yeah, the union between two people, I've been told all of that. But taking the guys last name and then you lose your born idenity...I just can't understand that. Why doesn't the guy take the girls last name? What's wrong with that?

And why do people think you are a cold person when you tell them that you do not want to have children? Why can't people just accept the fact that someone may not want to have children? There are many people in this world that should stop having children but they don't. My Mom always told me to make a pros and cons list for things that I was unsure about. I believe that I only have one pro on the list but my cons side keeps filling up as I talk to more and more people that are parents. It's just not looking good. And I guess whats really gets me is that I was given a time of 2 years to have grandkids for the in laws. Ummmm no. They have another son. He can do that for them.

I'm sorry if this makes me sound like an awful person but thank you for letting me vent my frustrations anyways. x( :-(
 
I didn't change my name after I got married. My mom finally accepted it.

Also, I don't want kids either. And if people press me about it, I tell them plainly,"Look, I'd rather have pets. The don't live that long, they don't talk back or lie to me, I always know where they are and who they're with, and if I don't like 'em, I can get rid of 'em and find one I like better."

That usually shuts them up because they can't tell if I'm serious or not.

heehee;)

Susan L.G.
 
Why didn't you just keep your own last name? I think that's perfectly acceptable in today's society..

As far as kids, that's a decision for you and your husband to make, not anyone else. If I were you I'd ignore the pressure because, frankly, it's not anybody else's business. You shouldn't have kids if you don't want them.
 
My husband and his family want me to change my name to carry on the family name but if I'm not having children what's the point right? I went shopping with the MIL and everytime I used my bank card and signed the paper she would say..."when are you changing you name?" It's just so frustrating.
 
But if you were to have kids, it wouldn't make a difference if you kept your maiden name because they'd be the ones carrying on the family name, no?
 
I hyphenated my maiden name with my husband's surname...who says you can't do that? My father still doesn't accept it fully - he just refers to me as Myfirstname + DHname ... Our daughter has his surname only, but I thought of giving her mine. I know of another couple that hyphenated their last names together and it sounds great! I let dh decide what he wanted to do rather than force the issue. But, really only societal "rules" prevent the man from changing his name.
 
I actually thought about using my maiden name as my middle name, but I liked my middle name (Liann) too much, so I gave it up. I figured, if I do ever have kids, I do not want to have a different last name than they do. It's really a personal decision though and it would tick me off if anyone tried to force me either way.

I totally hear you on the kids too. People are really pushing me on that one especially since I'm getting closer to 30 and I've been married for almost 6 years. My DH and I decided long ago we were going to have kids when we were good and ready for them and we weren't just going to have them so "Great Great Grand Whatever twice removed" gets to meet them before she/he croaks. ;)

Vent away! I think a lot of us hear ya! :D
 
You might need to tell your MIL politely and directly that you are not changing your name, it is not up for discussion, and you will not be having this conversation with her anymore.
 
I knew a couple who both hyphenated their names. They both did it so that the wife's maiden name came first, hyphen, then husband's last name. It was kind of cool.
 
I never changed my name when I was married. I was already published and didn't want to go through the pain of changing my last name. When my husband asked me to consider changing my name (a year after we were married because his mother asked), I told him to change his last name to mine! He backed off quickly. LOL
 
>My husband and his family want me to change my name to carry
>on the family name but if I'm not having children what's the
>point right?

Well, even if you did have kids, why shouldn't YOUR name be carried on? It's pretty selfish to assume that one person has an exclusive right to the priviledge of passing on/ keeping their name, and the other person somehow inherently deserves to be harassed about it if they don't want to give up the name that they were born and have lived their entire lives with.

Maybe, when she asks when you're going to change your name, you should answer, "Funny, I was just wondering when DH was going to change his..."

My DH and I both hyphenated our names, but I have heard of couples where the man took the woman's name, where just one hyphenated, and even where both gave up their names and adopted a new name, something meaningful to the couple.

Names and kids are both VERY personal issues. Only you and your DH know what will be right for you, and it is inexcusable (IMO) for others to give you grief over your decisions.
 
Nothing wrong w/not wanting to have children. Some women just aren't made for it. I used to think I wanted kids--part of me still does--but I've accepted that I probably never will. And yes, we're still a minority. I had a huge debate w/one of our councilmembers this week b/c we're funding yet another youth program & as far as I'm concerned I'm already funding youth w/school taxes, which I have no issue paying, but if they're gonna spend more of my municipal taxes on rec programs it should be for adults. Let the schools, who take more than half our property taxes, fund youth programs.

OK, off my soapbox, funny story about changing my last name. I had to try 3 times w/the SS office to get my new card. I kept sending them everything they asked for & they kept sending me letters asking for the same stuff again. It took me over 2 years to get them straight.

The end result was by the time my name was officially changed I was divorced. :p
 
binky,

you have made excellent points, and i see you have based your decisions on things you believe to be right for you. if ppl don't like then they can bugger off. i hate in-laws sometimes, think they have to have everything their way. if they wnat kids so much, why don't they go have some then. there are sure lots of kids that need adopting to a loving home,b/c as you said ppl keep having kids when they don't really have buisness too.

as for names,i didn't change mine either. to much freakin' work. took forever to get my license changed over from NJ to VA i can't imagine the hassle it would be for a name change. you know they wouldn't except mail from social security as proof of address, i needed to put a bill in my name. the reason the bills were in DH"s name orginially was b/c my credit was so shot i would have had to pay nearly $1000 for a electric deposit. what an inconvience, i eventually had my landlord at the time write a letter that i was renting privatley from them and had it notarized,then went back to make the change and they didn't even look at paper work. x( what was the point!!!

see to much of a hassle, i will keep my name. i don't plan on having more kids either. i am scared of the statistics of brining another autistic child in the world. i am having enough trouble keeping up with the stresses of one, getting her help-driving to doctor,therapist,etc. why would i punish myself or viola with another just b/c my in-laws want more? if i change my mind about having another then they would b*tch about that, so no matter what we can't win with the in-laws x(

kassia

http://www.picturetrail.com/ldy_solana

"And do what thee wilt as long as ye harm none"

http://images.meez.com/user03/06/01/04/060104_10010099873.gif
 
Just stand up to them. My mother-in-law hated that:

1. We didn't have a religious ceremony. (very good reason for paying for your own wedding; you can do whatever the hell you want.)

2. I didn't change my name. She let me know whenever she could that she hated that I didn't but I sure didn't care what she thought and neither did my husband. (Oh, and btw, I have friends who didn't change their names and their children are no worse for it. They may have problems, but their parents' last names aren't one them.)

3. We didn't want children. She even bribed us. We needed money, but not that badly.

Part of being married is breaking away from your families and making lives for yourselves. Let your family members know that and don't give it a second thought; it's really none of their business.

DH and I will be celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary in November. We've had friends ask us, "What if you regret not having children one day?" (And as beaten down as some of them look now that they have kids, I could ask them a similar question) Well, that day has never come. We lie in bed on Sunday mornings, drinking coffee while reading the Travel section of the New York Times, trying to decide where to go on our next big trip. We go out to dinner or to see a movie or hear a band whenever we feel like it. I can read a book for hours with no one bothering me. We have never once had to even consider moving to the 'burbs. To someone who has kids and loves it, that might not sound like heaven, but to us it sure is.
 
Binky-

You are funny. Clearly, you are the logical type. "It's just not looking good". LOVE it! Like a weather forecast! ha!

I can totally relate. I'd never 'want' kids either. But I got pregnant and all of a sudden it didn't seem so bad anymore. Maybe that is because I was already pregnant?? LOL. But anyway, now that I am NOT pregnant, I have a different perspective. I don't want to wait too long, be ambivalent for so long, and then not have the chance. Fertility is NOT gauranteed. You take it for granted. If I wasn't married to a very special person-my soulmate-I suppose I'd feel differently. And I did not mind taking his name, someone has to carry it on. But he doesn't have a brother. If he did, maybe I'd carry on my family name. Nothing wrong with it!!! People just get tied up in traditions, is all.

You go with your own opinions! Don't feel bad!!! You are not wrong!;-)
 
I never changed my name. I have never been hassled about it (I think it's because of my personality -- people wouldn't dare :) ) I also didn't want kids -- again, nobody ever hassled us about that, surprisingly. After 14 years of marriage we changed our minds and had a daughter, and nobody hassled us about that either!

Decide what you want, go ahead and do it, and ignore anybody who thinks it is their business to interfere.
 
I have kind of a tricky first name, it just DOES NOT go very well with about 90% of last names, especially the one DH grew up with. It wouldn't just have failed to go together well, it would have been laughable, in fact, DH and I did laugh about it--often}(

So when we decided to get married DH knew that I wouldn't be changing my last name, but he wanted out future kids to have the same last name as both parents, so he suggested that he change HIS name. I was floored, but LOVED the idea! So DH has a "maiden" name, and had to worry about the hassle of changing names. And he was the last male to be carrying the family name, so you can imagine how much my in-laws love me;-) It's mutual.

But they did raise a one-in-a-million son :7

Mattea
 
I never changed my name after getting married. One day I was on the phone with the electric company questioning the bill, and the lady told me I couldn't be married since I didn't have the same last name as my husband. Can you believe that?

I learned my lesson and now I just lie and use my husband's last name when I am calling about anything that has his name on it.

In terms of kids, my coworker had problems getting pregnant, so when people asked her why she didn't have kids she told them the truth. She said people got quiet really fast. Isn't having kids a personal decision and no one else's business?

Colleen
 
>I actually thought about using my maiden name as my middle
>name, but I liked my middle name (Liann) too much, so I gave
>it up. I figured, if I do ever have kids, I do not want to
>have a different last name than they do. It's really a
>personal decision though and it would tick me off if anyone
>tried to force me either way.

This is actually what I did, sort of. I now have two middle names - I moved my maiden name over and made it a second middle name, and then took my husband's last name.

Anyway, I say every woman should do whatever the hell she wants when it comes to changing or not changing her name. Don't let anyone pressure you. Same thing with having kids - it's such a personal decision, but for some reason, everyone feels entitled to voice their opinion on this topic. You just have to try to let it roll off your back.
 
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