What would you do?

buckeyegirl

buckeyegirl

Cathlete
My 12 year old son has been taking private trumpet lessons from a relatively well known older man in our community. This gentleman picked my son and another boy from summer band that he thought had a lot of potential - he has been giving private lessons for a while,etc. etc.

Ok, I drop DS off for first lesson a few weeks ago. I had a fleeting thought of leaving my son alone with a person I don't know well but all the parents seem to do it,so I go run a couple of errands. I'm very close with my kids - when I picked him up, I kind of loosely joked about my fearful thoughts, he said everything went ok although they went to the "basement". We had a chuckle and moved on.

This week, he had a lesson Tues night. Later that night he told me that he didn't want to go anymore. He said the guy would always interrupt Mitchell when he played, he seemed cocky and a bit of a "show off". He then proceeds to tell me that his tutor asked him to lift his shirt and the guy touched his stomach to see "how he breathes" when playing the trumpet. Mitchell also said he was really tired and the gentleman rubbed his shoulders.....

BIG RED FLAG HERE!! Needless to say, Mitchell will NOT be returning. Was my initial fleeting thought that I laughed off more of a mom "gut" feeling that had some substance to it? I wanted to puke - literally.

So, should I:

A. Call and cancel further lessons with no explanation.
B. Call and cancel and let him know Mitchell was uncomfortable and NO amount of touching is appropriate?
C. Tell the other mom that I know about it? As a mom, I'd sure as hell want to know.

What if this guy is purely innocent and no malice was intended at ALL? I don't want to falsely accuse him if I'm way off. BUT, that said, he needs to know that he made my son uncomfortable, and that any touching is not appropriate. I also don't want the other mom to freak out, but I do think she needs to know.

Opinions? What would you do?

Heidi
 
Perv alert! Look, in this day and age, any adult who has a kid in his house and does something like that is either pervy or just plain stupid. I wouldn't want my kid to be subjected to either.

I think you should cancel, tell the guy why, and, if he tries to explain it away tell him you don't buy it. I'd tell the other mom, too.

Hey, I hate witch hunts, but, come on, this behavior is just too weird.
 
If that was my child, I'd freak out. I would DEFINITELY tell the guy why you're canceling, and also tell the other mom, but make sure when you do it, you're not making any accusations, just tell her exactly what happened and let her deduce for herself. You don't want anything to come back and bite you on the arse.

So sorry this happened to you and your son!
 
It may be totally innocent but don't take a chance with the most precious person in your life. I think in this day and age any adult who risks having a child alone with him would think twice about physical contact of any kind. I've heard of teachers getting in trouble for giving a hug at school! He's not real smart if he hasn't put safeguards into place to prevent even being accused. Go with your gut! (and DO share your feelings with the other mom).
 
I would cancel and tell him why. I would also let the other mother know. I agree with Shelley though don't be accusing. I'm sorry I can't even imagine.
 
Oh wow.

I completely understand not wanting to accuse this man of anything. You don't have to. However, you should tell him why your son will not be returning. If he truly is innocent, he needs to know proper boundaries. *Something else to consider: If he's been privately teaching kids for a long time, he should probably have a good idea of what's appropriate by now.

Have you talked to any other parents or teachers about this tutor? I'd be interested to hear what different people have to say about him. Not that he can't be a talented musician/teacher and a pervert, but I'd be more likely to give him the benefit of the doubt if he had a host of happy former students, parents and colleagues.

One other thing to keep in mind: A talented teacher/tutor usually does not need to pick out students to mentor...the students come to him or her. This particular aspect of the story, along with the lifting of the shirt and the shoulder rubbing, set off alarms for me.

And absolutely YES...you should tell the other mom. Let her make up her own mind, but at least give her all the information to do so.
 
Wow. You know what - anybody with half of a brain would not dream of doing those things in this day and age. Even if purely innocent, you just don't do it. The big red flag is that your son is not comfortable, and the blessing to you is that he confides in you so putting this incident aside, you can be thankful for that in general :) I would tell the other mom and let her form her own conclusions, and she can also speak to her son about it. Another thing you can do is look online and see if his name comes up on a sexual predator list. In Texas, I think we go to the DPS site, but I'm not sure about that. It would not be hard to google and find out. I must say that I come at this situation rather biased from something that happened with DD when she was quite young with her biological father's parents which is still not resolved by the courts but bio dad gave up his rights, DH adopted DD 6 years ago, and after a lot of counseling, DD seems to be a normal, well adjusted, happy little girl. It's just not worth it to take a risk with your child. All the best to him and to you.
 
First of all, I think it's great that your son came to you and told you that he was uncomfortable with what was going on.

I went for private music lessons when I was a kid and my teacher was always trying to fondle me. I found out that he was doing the same thing to my friends. I don't think any of us told our parents. I think you should definitely tell the other mom and also tell the teacher exactly why you are cancelling. If he is innocent, he will be more careful in the future. If he's a predator, maybe knowing that you are suspicious and telling other parents will cause him to stop for now.

Erica
 
Do cancel. And try explaining to the other mom as you explained it here in your post.

You will feel better, and also you will have at least given the other mother some choices.

Janie
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Cancel the sessions, tell him why and by all means, tell the other Mom! If it were my son I certainly would want some one to tell me.

My DS (7) takes guitar lessons and I sit through the lesson. Fortunately, this person is a really close friend and his wife and kids are also present. Also, my piano teacher (woman) requires a parent to attend their child's lesson. It's more so they can help them with their practice at home, but any one giving lessons should have the parent(s) in attendance.
 
Thanks for all the input....here's what I did!

I went to my friend's house and had a "chat"! I told her that in no way am I trying to smear someone's reputation,and to please keep our conversation confidential. I told her what happened with Mitchell, and she agreed that it was hopefully innocent but definitely inappropriate. She is a musician and a teacher, so she knows where boundaries lie. She also said that, yes, it is important to asses how one breathes when playing an instrument,but it does NOT require a child pulling up his shirt and the instructor putting his hand on the child's abdomen. She also told me his wife left him years ago, his kid are all grown, and she also found it odd that in a big house all to himself and no one to annoy with trumpet noise -- why does he take kids to the basement and shut the door?? So, she was extremely thankful that I came to her.

Wanna know the freakish thing? As I was "googling" him (man, that sounds so inappropriate but then again appropriate in this context...), I found nothing regarding previous sexual misconducts that are published. While on the computer researching him, the phone rings...and it's him!!! Wanting to let me know that my check that I gave him the other night wasn't signed, so could I come over or we meet up to get it signed.

I decided to hit this thing head on. I thought about going and signing the check and then calling him (I'm not the best at face to face confrontation) but took the bull by the horns and had a little chat with him:mad:

I signed the check (outside, of course, not in the house) and then told him Mitchell would not be attending any more sessions now because of schoolwork, football,etc (which is, in fact, true) BUT that I also wanted him to be aware that the pulling up of Mitchell's shirt and feeling his breathing made Mitchell uncomfortable and myself and DH uncomfortable as well. I told him I was not accusing him, and I was very polite with him, but also said that he should know that it made Mitchell uncomfortable and in this "day and age" that's not considered appropriate. He was surprised and taken back a bit. I did not apologize, but was saying how busy Mitchell was too....I then was walking to my car and he said "well, maybe when football is over..." and I said "we'll see..." and then he said "well, that isn't the reason Mitchell is quitting, is it?" I just mumbled and said I had to go...

I got in the car, drove 2 miles, and pulled over and cried. I had to do what's right by my child, and potentially other's in harm's way, if that's the case. I guess I'd rather piss someone off and insult them vs. not saying anything and allowing something to happen.

Met DH for lunch, and he said he was very proud of me:) It took a lot of balls for me to do that, but when it comes to the protectiveness you feel for your kids, you'll do anything.

Thanks for all your input.

Oh, and he called me later and left me a voice mail to call him back - that he had more to add to our conversation...crap, now what?

Heidi
 
RunnerGirl said:
I would cancel and tell him why. I would also let the other mother know. I agree with Shelley though don't be accusing. I'm sorry I can't even imagine.
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I agree here. Your poor son. Have you talked with other students who have been tutored by him? I think I would have to keep DH from busting down his door.

We just had an older gentlemen arrested (60's) down the road from us for 2nd & 3rd degreee sexual assault on 2 14 yr old girls. The actual incident happened 2 yrs ago. Very scary the way people think these days.
 
Heidi

I too am very proud of you for keeping yourself in control. I would say not to call him back. You said your peace, told him there will be no more lessons, end of discussion. Good luck
 
Great job Heidi in confronting not only your fear of face-to-face confrontation but also this man. You trusted your instincts to protect a child. I think that is totally appropriate and commendable.

Carrie
 
Heidi, I think we're all in agreement that you did the right thing. I don't have kids, but if anyone did that to my nieces/nephews, I'd be kicking some arse.
 
I know everyone may have a different opinion but here is what I would do:

1. No more lessons
2. Call and cancel and tell why - and not so politely
3. Tell the other Mom and anyone else that I thought may have a child in his classes or potentially could have their child there.
4. Report to the police.

I know #4 might seem odd or extreme, but you can make it a matter of record if nothing else. Then if the guy is caught hurting someone's child, your situation will be on file. Who is to say this guy isn't a registered sex offender?

I used to be a police officer, and this is what I'd do. Sorry your child went through this - just glad it wasn't worse. I am a firm believer that sex offenders, especially the ones that prey on children, canNOT be reformed. They should be given life in prison or executed.
 
Heidi,

I have two DDs and just the thought of something happening to them in a sexual type of way absolutely makes me crazy. I am so in awe of you for trusting your gut feeling and that you and your son were able to have such an honest discussion about the man's behavior. And then on top of that to confront the man! :eek: You did an awesome thing for your son to protect him. I would agree with Reese777 and contact the police and let them decide what needs to be done. You just never know and it isn't worth taking that chance with another child.

Way to go!
 
Heidi, if this man is truly innocent and meant no harm, I'm sure he'll want to clear the air with you. That's probably why he's calling you again. I know if someone felt I had been inappropriate with their child, I'd be horrified and want the chance to explain or apologize.

I'm glad you didn't accuse him of anything. I wouldn't recommend involving the police, as it's very possible he meant nothing by the behavior. As another poster mentioned, many teachers are being told they cannot touch a student at all, which is going a little overboard. I can certainly understand those who suggest the police as a response, but I personally am super careful before doing anything like that.

I think I'd still ask around about him though. I'd want to talk to other parents and students, just to see what their experiences had been.

I'm so glad you were firm but polite. :) You rode that fine line between protecting your child and respecting another person's feelings and reputation. I certainly hope this guy deserves the effort your extending, and that this is all a simple misunderstanding.
 
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