sex all the time. My DH is constantly hounding me to do it and if I dont he gets mad. sometimes says things to hurt me and will give me the silent treatment. this doesnt happen all the time but I feel like its an obligation most times and dont ever really feel like doing it.I have talked with him about this before and it always ends upa bout him. I cant even lay in our bed without being fondled. I sometimes will sleep on the couch to avoid this. I know it bothers him when I dont come to bed but I have no space. I get no affection and I have told him maybe if you showed some love and affection I would be in the mood but I cant even lay with him and snuggle or even just lay in the same bed without him expecting or wanting sex. I have no desire for sex. I even most times do it just for him and I am talking at least 2-3x week. Its not like he is going months without it. I just did it on wednesday morning and yesterday he wanted to and I said no, he got mad and said I might have to go elsewhere if you dont want to make me happy. I told him go right ahead,leave if he wanted to. It disrespectful to tell me something like that. I tell him I dont need him if that is what he wants to do. I know he wouldnt ever do that I think he just says that to try and get to me. but I feel that if you want another woman then she can have you,theres other fish in the sea. but to be honest I wouldnt want another man for awhile. Just time for me and my kids. I love him and all, but I learned along time ago, never to lose yourself in a relationship because that person could leave you and all you have is yourself.Men are so selfish. sorry for ranting but I dont know how to get thru to him on this, I have talked to him many times about this and its the same old thing, yr after yr after yr. thanks!
what do you do when DH constantly wants
- Thread starter laura35
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Fitness-Mom
Cathlete
I just wanted to chime in and say I know exactly what you are going through. I talked, talked, and talked to my BF, and he just doesn't get it. I told him the same exact thing, there is NO love and affection any more. He tells me, "You know it's different, when we are away, the kids are here."
Sorry, I can't help in anyway, I would love to hear what others have to say, because I am in the same boat as you!
Take Care ~
"Today is a Gift, Have Fun"
~Jennifer~
="http://images.meez.com/user07/3/8/4/4/4/4/8/3844448_bodyshot_300x400.gif
Sorry, I can't help in anyway, I would love to hear what others have to say, because I am in the same boat as you!
Take Care ~
"Today is a Gift, Have Fun"
~Jennifer~
="http://images.meez.com/user07/3/8/4/4/4/4/8/3844448_bodyshot_300x400.gif
allwildgirl
Cathlete
I wish. In my relationship, I'm the one with the raging libido.
I have been in your situation though, being the one who isn't interested in sex and if anyone had EVER used that kind of emotional blackmail on me, I would have kicked their rear end out the door faster than they could do their pants up.
Sorry, I don't really have much advice for you. I hope your situation improves.
I have been in your situation though, being the one who isn't interested in sex and if anyone had EVER used that kind of emotional blackmail on me, I would have kicked their rear end out the door faster than they could do their pants up.
Sorry, I don't really have much advice for you. I hope your situation improves.
I'm sorry your going through this. There are times when I feel that way b/c I have so much on my plate that I am too tired to add that in the mix. I will tell you though he absolutely hates it that I wear sweatpants all the time. Maybe you can plan a special night for the two of you and that can put you more in the mood and have a long talk with him (which it sounds like you have) but let him know that those comments hurt you and are not in any way going to make you more willing to do that if anything will make you want it less. I wish I had an answer for you but sending hugs to you!!
but sending hugs to you!!
tneah
Cathlete
Ditto what Shelley said. My DH is much older than me, so the "drives" shall we say, are not the same, I want it all day, everyday, he is happy with once every few months. This has caused problems with us, but he is very,very affectionate and touches me alot, plus we make each other laugh and generally speaking, its the best I ever had.
But if someone was doing the emotional blackmail thing like Shelley mentioned, it would be the door buddy!
But if someone was doing the emotional blackmail thing like Shelley mentioned, it would be the door buddy!
Liann
Cathlete
If my DH ever had the nerve to tell me that he might have to go elsewhere if I didn't make him happy, I think you guys would end up seeing us on one of those domestic violence episodes of COPS. I honestly think I would go kujo on the guy. That is just beyond "not cool". I could see his frustration more if you weren't already "making him happy" several times a week. It sounds like he isn't making you happy either though. I've always been told that each partner should be trying to make the other happy not focusing on themselves and that that results in both partners being happy. It sounds like all your DH is concerned about is himself. Have you considered couples therapy? Guys tend to be thick headed about how important cuddling and "flirting" (not groping) throughout the day help put you in the "mood" for something later on. It sounds like he needs some refresher courses. It can't all be about him. If he really wants you, he needs to put in some effort too. The emotional side of sex is so much more important than most men realize.
I wish I had some great advice for you. (((HUGS)))
I wish I had some great advice for you.
(((HUGS)))
goldenrun358
Cathlete
The male brain is focused on and wired for sex. All day, everyday. It may seem unfortunate for us, but this is how they express love and affection. It is the female brain that expresses love and affection through words and emotional connection. Men find emotional connection through physical means.
I have definitely felt your frustration before and this is what has worked for me. When he turns to you, hit pause and stop that automatic reaction that is irritation and frustration. Try to relax and let him show you how he loves you. You might get some enjoyment out of it too
For us women it all starts in the mind and we DO have some control over this. And, I always think that it's a good thing that I still do it for him and he is still interested. I think about the flip side, if he weren't interested in me and if he didn't want to do it, and I think that I would feel rejection and undesirability. These are not things that I want him to feel coming from me. So I try to welcome it and him with open arms.
HTH, good luck.
I have definitely felt your frustration before and this is what has worked for me. When he turns to you, hit pause and stop that automatic reaction that is irritation and frustration. Try to relax and let him show you how he loves you. You might get some enjoyment out of it too
For us women it all starts in the mind and we DO have some control over this. And, I always think that it's a good thing that I still do it for him and he is still interested. I think about the flip side, if he weren't interested in me and if he didn't want to do it, and I think that I would feel rejection and undesirability. These are not things that I want him to feel coming from me. So I try to welcome it and him with open arms.
HTH, good luck.
crazystepr
Cathlete
I just wanted to chime in and say that I understand where the above poster is coming from, however the OP isn't always rejecting and refusing her husband. She made it clear that she does have sex with him often but he still is not satisfied and isn't showing any other form of affection towards her. It's a horrible feeling to feel used like that--like he doesn't want her for any other reason than sex.
Not only can the OP not lay on the bed without being groped or simply cuddle with her husband, but he is also basically threatening her that he will cheat if she does not do what he wants. That is a form of emotional abuse and blackmail. I really think counseling is needed in this situation. Obviously neither person is happy with the sexual relationship. This can be very, very serious and can tear a marriage apart.
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
Not only can the OP not lay on the bed without being groped or simply cuddle with her husband, but he is also basically threatening her that he will cheat if she does not do what he wants. That is a form of emotional abuse and blackmail. I really think counseling is needed in this situation. Obviously neither person is happy with the sexual relationship. This can be very, very serious and can tear a marriage apart.
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
Liann
Cathlete
>I just wanted to chime in and say that I understand where the
>above poster is coming from, however the OP isn't always
>rejecting and refusing her husband. She made it clear that she
>does have sex with him often but he still is not satisfied and
>isn't showing any other form of affection towards her. It's a
>horrible feeling to feel used like that--like he doesn't want
>her for any other reason than sex.
>
> Not only can the OP not lay on the bed without being groped
>or simply cuddle with her husband, but he is also basically
>threatening her that he will cheat if she does not do what he
>wants. That is a form of emotional abuse blackmail. I really
>think counseling is needed in this situation. Obviously
>neither person is happy with the sexual relationship. This can
>be very, very serious and can tear a marriage apart.
>
>Allison
>
>http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
[font size=+3]EXACTLY!!![/font]
>above poster is coming from, however the OP isn't always
>rejecting and refusing her husband. She made it clear that she
>does have sex with him often but he still is not satisfied and
>isn't showing any other form of affection towards her. It's a
>horrible feeling to feel used like that--like he doesn't want
>her for any other reason than sex.
>
> Not only can the OP not lay on the bed without being groped
>or simply cuddle with her husband, but he is also basically
>threatening her that he will cheat if she does not do what he
>wants. That is a form of emotional abuse blackmail. I really
>think counseling is needed in this situation. Obviously
>neither person is happy with the sexual relationship. This can
>be very, very serious and can tear a marriage apart.
>
>Allison
>
>http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
[font size=+3]EXACTLY!!![/font]
"Try to relax and let him show you how he loves you."
What this clown is doing is NOT showing how he loves you - it's all about him - pure selfishness. I was married to a jerk like that who made the same kind of demands, and as a result I hated any physical contact with him. I also have to ask if your DH is a drinker.
What this clown is doing is NOT showing how he loves you - it's all about him - pure selfishness. I was married to a jerk like that who made the same kind of demands, and as a result I hated any physical contact with him. I also have to ask if your DH is a drinker.
thanks for all the advice. I dont think he would go to therapy. I usually will try and explain my feeling but feel like it is always me working things out with him. If he does try to make up guess how he does it, by grabbing me and that is his way of breaking the ice. I dont think he had too much affection as a child, so I dont know that he knows really any other way toshow me than his way, sex. I know he loves me and like I said before, I really dont think he would stray, I think he just gets mad and says that as a way of getting to me. I cant just walk out the door because we have 3 lovely children together . If he was physically abusive beleive me I wouldnt hesitate to leave but he otherwise is a good man. I know we all have things we could change about ourselves to be a somewhat better person so I know I cant expect him to be perfect. I really dont think he sees the way he is about sex to be a problem but it is for me. I guess that is where we need to come together. I just cant seem to get him to see it from my side. I try to see it from his side. Iknow he is a highly sexual person and this is how he relieves stress where as I run for my stress reducer. He is like a new person, if he is grouchy, having a bad day and then we have sex, its like a big burden off his chest. I cant believe how it affects him. If I am stressed ,having a bad day, I go exercise and I feel better. He doesnt exercise, maybe I can suggest that to help with stress. I dont know, I have been dealing with this for yrs and some days I just get really sick of it. If he left I dont know that I would really be upset, maybe just for thekids I might be but if I was ever to start over, Ireally wouldnt want another man for awhile. I have learned that you gotta love yourself.That is why I tell him and dont just cater tohim when he want it or he says things. I definately defend myself and let him know that I would be just fine without him if that is what he wants. anyway, thanks everyone!
This is emotional manipulation and abuse, plain and simple. All men are not like this -- they are not soley focused on their physical wants and disinterested in a woman's feelings and desires. You absolutely should not be putting up with this, and his behavior alone is what is making you disinterested in sex -- which is a whole loss to your life.
You need to speak with a professional about this -- but I warn you that you should be very careful if you are going to go to marital counseling about this topic -- since this is a form of abuse a lot of therapists are not specially trained in this area and it can turn around on you.
The whole notion that men "need" sex more than women and that they can't function without it is a complete falsehood used to force women into unhealthy situations. Women are sexual beings that also need sex, but in a proper and respectful context.
You need to speak with a professional about this -- but I warn you that you should be very careful if you are going to go to marital counseling about this topic -- since this is a form of abuse a lot of therapists are not specially trained in this area and it can turn around on you.
The whole notion that men "need" sex more than women and that they can't function without it is a complete falsehood used to force women into unhealthy situations. Women are sexual beings that also need sex, but in a proper and respectful context.
crazystepr
Cathlete
>The whole notion that men "need" sex more than women and that
>they can't function without it is a complete falsehood used to
>force women into unhealthy situations. Women are sexual
>beings that also need sex, but in a proper and respectful
>context.
Brilliantly said! I couldn't agree more. Men are allowed to get away with way too much bulls**t because of their "sexual needs" and because they're "highly sexual beings". Complete falsehood. It enrages me to hear people speak like that. Have we not moved forward at all since the dark ages?
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
>they can't function without it is a complete falsehood used to
>force women into unhealthy situations. Women are sexual
>beings that also need sex, but in a proper and respectful
>context.
Brilliantly said! I couldn't agree more. Men are allowed to get away with way too much bulls**t because of their "sexual needs" and because they're "highly sexual beings". Complete falsehood. It enrages me to hear people speak like that. Have we not moved forward at all since the dark ages?
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
toastythemosty
Cathlete
I'm with Shelley on this one too. I wish my dh's libido was as high as mine.....that is all I will say.
LaughingWater
Cathlete
I agree with Tobermory and Allison ~ this isn't healthy, and it's not love.
I know most men loathe the idea of counseling, but it may be the only way to save your marriage. Nothing else seems to be working, and I fear you won't be able to go on like this for the rest of your years together. That's a long time to feel used and manipulated.
I've gone to counseling on my own (husband refused), and even that helped a great deal. Not only did therapy help me cope, but eventually my husband got comfortable with the idea and was willing to go with me. It took a while, but the longer I saw the counselor, the less scary it appeared to him (especially when I seemed to be much happier in general).
I wish for you much wisdom, patience and peace. <3
I know most men loathe the idea of counseling, but it may be the only way to save your marriage. Nothing else seems to be working, and I fear you won't be able to go on like this for the rest of your years together. That's a long time to feel used and manipulated.
I've gone to counseling on my own (husband refused), and even that helped a great deal. Not only did therapy help me cope, but eventually my husband got comfortable with the idea and was willing to go with me. It took a while, but the longer I saw the counselor, the less scary it appeared to him (especially when I seemed to be much happier in general).
I wish for you much wisdom, patience and peace.
<3thanks again, I plan on talking with him tonight. No he doesnt drink, hardly ever. He infact doesnt even go out with the guys. He is home all the time if he isnt working. I try to get him to go out and do things but he doesnt want to. I think if he had a hobby he might not just want sex all the time. I teach a exercise class 2x week and run, I do races and I think since I found myself, at least that is what Icall it the last 6 yrs I have gotten the confindence to do these things that I would never do before because I was shy and insecure but I since have done, that is when he got more insecure about himself with me. anyway, thanks, I appreciate the advice, its nice to hear different opinions from you all. I am glad that I am not over reacting. my friend says that I need to do it for my marriage and I said what is he doing for it. I am with you on the fact that men get away with too much and we do it all. The women never does enough no matter what she does.
SteppingFool
Cathlete
Do you not enjoy $ex with him? Is he selfish in bed? Does he not satisfy you? I think 2-3 a week is about the right frequency for us.
I can see many sides of this issue. I have sometimes been the one chased after, and it was annoying, then in my 30s my libido became stronger than my husband's and that is VERY frustrating, it really does become the focus of your life, WHY IS MY SPOUSE NOT GIVING ME WHAT I WANT? Now that we're both older we're finally on the same level. So I do sympathize with you, but I can understand your husband's POV as well, it's depressing to think your spouse is not attracted to you and will not give you what can seem like this one small bit of attention and affection every day. BUT I agree that your husband's threats and attempts at manipulation are way out of line.
Just a suggestion - I know the whole idea is sort of a turn-off for you right now, but maybe just as an experiment or a game you can just try, for maybe a couple weeks or so, to accommodate him whenever he asks. Without being too graphic there are quick things you can do with your hands or mouth that would be exciting for him but would not be as, um, intrusive for you, and then you could do the, um, intrusive thing as well whenever you could gear up for it. You could try to make it playful, maybe surprise him with a quick, um, fill in the blank, try to keep up with his demands for awhile and try to initiate sometimes. Try to put aside all the resentment and anger that this whole thing brings up for you. Try to give him exactly what he wants.
The result of this could be one of two things. Either he will begin to feel satisfied, loved, and accepted, and as a result he will be more affectionate and respectful to you, and because he is physically not feeling that need all the time, he will be calmer and happier. And he will stop chasing you so much. OR you will find out that no matter how much you do it, he will never be satisfied, it's more like an addiction for him. And then you can go talk to a counselor, either alone or with him, about how to deal with that.
Good luck with whatever you decide. I know this is a common problem for couples, either one way or the other, and both partners feel unloved as a result.
Just a suggestion - I know the whole idea is sort of a turn-off for you right now, but maybe just as an experiment or a game you can just try, for maybe a couple weeks or so, to accommodate him whenever he asks. Without being too graphic there are quick things you can do with your hands or mouth that would be exciting for him but would not be as, um, intrusive for you, and then you could do the, um, intrusive thing as well whenever you could gear up for it. You could try to make it playful, maybe surprise him with a quick, um, fill in the blank, try to keep up with his demands for awhile and try to initiate sometimes. Try to put aside all the resentment and anger that this whole thing brings up for you. Try to give him exactly what he wants.
The result of this could be one of two things. Either he will begin to feel satisfied, loved, and accepted, and as a result he will be more affectionate and respectful to you, and because he is physically not feeling that need all the time, he will be calmer and happier. And he will stop chasing you so much. OR you will find out that no matter how much you do it, he will never be satisfied, it's more like an addiction for him. And then you can go talk to a counselor, either alone or with him, about how to deal with that.
Good luck with whatever you decide. I know this is a common problem for couples, either one way or the other, and both partners feel unloved as a result.
LaughingWater
Cathlete
It's interesting that you bring up insecurity. I read a book a while back about men and how they're raised in our culture. They are taught early on that they have to dominate, be the best, not show weakness, kick ass, etc. They're taught to put a great deal of value on society's idea of success ~ money, power ~ and their egos appear to be held hostage by it all.
Many successful, intelligent men battle on and off with anxiety and depression. I've known some who on the outside appear to be the picture of modern success, but who say to me privately, "I'm a failure." or "Someday they will find out what a fake I really am." It's heartbreaking.
Many successful, intelligent men battle on and off with anxiety and depression. I've known some who on the outside appear to be the picture of modern success, but who say to me privately, "I'm a failure." or "Someday they will find out what a fake I really am." It's heartbreaking.