"Taking a break" in a relationship - Help!!!

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((Hugs)), Amy. You've gotten some good advice already.

My DH and I were in a similar situation except I was the one who asked for some time. He started thinking about marriage much sooner than I and wanted my commitment that if I wouldn't marry him THEN, I would in the not-so-distant future.

I asked for the time to think because it IS a big step. I needed to think through a lot of things: (1) can I live with this person? I'm a loner who needs time to myself, so this was a big consideration. (2)Does he have any issues that concern me that I want him to address before marriage? When we first started out, he did a lot of social drinking. Given his family history of alcoholism, it concerned me. (3) What about our financial future together? When we met, he was in school and I was working fulltime. I wasn't supporting him or anything, but I needed to think through what our financial situation would be together in three to five years. Also, it was clear that he would have the career and I would be the one with a job, given our training and schooling and ambitions. I had to think about that - would I want to move for his work and make accommodations around that? (4) Can I live with his family? He has a very messy family situation and was basically his ill father's sole support.

There were probably other things, but these are the ones I remember most clearly. My request for time WASN'T because I thought I'd wasted my time with him or doubted our relationship. I needed to think, clearly and without pressure, about what the NEXT step of our relationship was and if I wanted that.

Ultimately I decided to continue our relationship, and we married three years ago. I guess for me, the time-out was a chance to work out that we were on the same journey with the same destination, but I was traveling at a slower pace.

;)

Allison
 
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When I read replies like the ones you've gotten I feel so lucky I found this forum. The people in here are just amazing! I will never stop saying how much I love the Cathe forums.

I have to say how sorry I am for what you're going through, but things happen for a reason. Like so many people have said it's not your problem. It seems like you have been loving, supportive and caring. It is his problem. I say give him his "space". I think this week is going to feel like the longest week of your life. Just stop thinking about him. I know it's hard to do. If he wants space you take advantage of your space too. Why don't you rent some movies, go out with friends, do some exercise, or read a book? There are a lot of things you can do to make this week a little less depressing. Oh and wait for him to call you next week. Don't call him. He was the one that asked for space so he is the one that has to get ahold of you. Just know that whatever happens in the future is going for the best. **Hugs**
 
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You know, something I did with my guy was I just wouldn't answer the phone. I would let my machine pick up. Let him think you're out. It'll drive him nuts wondering where you are and who you're with. I mean, why should YOU be the only one upset and worried? Let him sweat it out for a while!

Edited to say that in no way do I advocate mind games, but once in a while, something like this is very effective. I guess I don't like to see a woman giving up time that she could be using productively just to pine over whether or not the phone's going to ring or some other emotionally-destructive behavior. Be actively involved in making the decision to take back control of your life, rather than let sad thoughts rule it. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. :) I know, it feels like the end of the world, but it doesn't have to. You could be using this time to reflect on the relationship just as he is, or you could be taking the time to give yourself some much-needed attention, such as a pedicure, a massage, a shopping trip, a movie-night with just you and the cat (or dog or whatever).

You are precious!! Take care of you! The rest will fall into place in its own time.
 
RE:

Hi there, thank you too for your response! Believe me, I feel so lucky to have people care and want to help. This week DOES feel like the longest week of my life so far, I guess mostly because the routines have been broken and it's hard to change what you're used to.. also I love him so much that I want to call and find out what's happening with him. It's been two days but already I have important work and family news and I can't tell him. I will wait for him to call me, which I know he will, but it's SO HARD and I'm really scared.
 
RE:

My husband kind of pulled the same thing on me. Only we hadn't ever discussed getting married. It was 6 months into the relationship and I told him I loved him. It kind of freaked him out and he sort of distanced himself from me. We still hung out together all the time, but he started treating me as more of a friend. It was weird, because he'd sleep over in my bed, but there would be nothing going on. He told me that I should see other people. I told him I wasn't interested in seeing other people, but I actually did a couple times (shhhhhhh). Then an old girlfriend came back into the picture and he went out with her one night, when he told me that he was going to stay home. He felt bad and the next day told me about it. I was very hurt and we almost stopped seeing each other right then (he didn't know that, though). But right afterwards, something clicked in his mind and he realized he was ready for a serious relationship.

We moved in together about a year later and got engaged another year later. Then got married a year and a half later than that (dated for 4 years, engaged after 2.5 years).

A break may be an excellent thing for him to realize that he's ready. And if he's not, then you may want to move on. It's a cliche, but if it's meant to be - it will happen.

My sister also had the same thing happen. She and her husband dated for a few years. Then they broke up for a couple years. They got back together and were engaged shortly after they reunited. They've been married for maybe 12 years.
 
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It is hard to remember...it was a general sort of attitude that he had over several months, and we did see each other and date during that time...then we both went back to our families for a holiday, and didn't see each other for a few weeks, during which it all came to a head, a few things happened to him that facilitated his decision (the physical separation helped clarify things I believe, too, for him). When we got back, he said he didn't need to think anymore (by then I was put off & irritated and we had to work through that) and started ring shopping over the ensuing months. Every situation is different though, obviously. I say definitely give him his space but don't lose hope.....he has made it clear he needs time to think!

Hope this helps.

Jen
 
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Catwoman, you stole my advice!
Time apart may be what he needs to realize what a gem you are! If time apart doesn't make him realize he wants you and only you in sickness and healh till death do you part, then you deserve so much better! I know it hurts, and I am really sorry! I wish there was a magic wand so that we could wish the pain away for you!
I am thinking of you and feeling for you! Please keep us all posted and let is know how it all turns out!
 
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Amy, you MUST take Catwoman's advice! She is the queen of the game!
ETA That if he believes that you are fine without him, it will drive him crazy. Isn't that what it does to us women?
 
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Let me just add that I feel very, very strongly that in your case you should read and re-read everything catwoman has said.

Your marriage will be strong when you are in practice acting like that.
 
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My turn...it's story time with Aunty Trish.

I was in his shoes in our relationship. I'm the guilty one. My dh says he knew he wanted to marry me when he first met me (I was 17.) I took a lot longer to decide. I was young. He was the first guy I had seriously dated. I saw our futures headed in opposite directions - I wanted to be a doctor, he wanted to be a pastor...uh, that would make me...akkkk! a pastor's wife! I knew with my mouth and headstrongness this might not be a perfect match. We were great friends and always had a great time together but could I commit to him for the rest of my life!?!?!

Poor guy - I pulled back a couple of times over a couple years to evaluate. I do remember the last time - we were out for a drive and had picked up ice cream and were sitting by a river talking about our day. I could tell him anything and I told him the lifeguard at the pool had asked me out. He looked at me and said with no hint of jealousy or hurt - "So, why don't you go out with him?" And I knew then and there that I never wanted to go out with anyone else ever again. I would be a crazy nut to let him slip through my fingers. He must have sensed the change in me because a week later in the same place he proposed...and we've lived happily ever after - NOT! Everyone struggles at some point in their marriage...but that's another story for another day. This year is our 19th year and as long as he keeps making me hot-chocolate-to-die-for it's feeling like a happily ever after! Hang in there if he's worthy of your time and life he'll come back!

Story time is over. Thanks for listening.
Trish
 
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So did he become a pastor? I don't know why the idea of being a pastor's wife would make you gag. I've known a few priests (Episcopal, who are allowed to marry) that I thought would be wonderful husbands. Maybe a little too "cerebral" for me, but absolutely intelligent, kind, warm and humorous men. As long as the pastor isn't like the dad in "Footloose"!
 
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To add to what Catwoman and others said:

AmyRobin, time apart may be what YOU need to realize what a gem YOU are. Although your DB is the one who suggested the "break" from the relationship - and it sounds like he was saying that for his own needs rather than your own - please don't put yourself on the shelf waiting for him to make up his mind. Live your life, and enjoy it totally separate and apart from him, and be open to any new directions that might take you. You might be pleasantly surprised at where that might take you, even *gasp* if it takes YOU away from HIM. There are a ton of worthy men out there, and for you to sit and wait for him to determine your life's direction takes away your own personal power. And - you might be pleasantly surprised at what it's like not to be beholden to the responsibilities of a relationship of this kind.

I probably bang this drum a little too hard, but what the hell:

I work in the field of domestic violence prosecution, and I routinely see and work with women who totally give their personal power over to men. Certainly I see the extreme end of toxic relationships, but I think some of the lessons can be translated into more normal relationships.

To make a long-winded post even longer: see paragraph #1.

A-Jock
 
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Amyrobyn,

I felt the need to chime in here and say something.

You don't want to play head games with him. A relationship where games are the norm is too tiring. A relationship where you are both authentic with each other is based on trust and respect. Are you and he in the habit of playing games? Based on your post, it doesn't appear that way.

I agree you should try to occupy your time. I also agree you should not appear too anxious and remain at a distance as you promised. But I don't agree there are tons of good men out there. I've met my share of losers and many friends who have husbands whose behavior is appalling. Because many of them have children, they have made allowances in who they are to keep equilibrium in the marriage. I believe a woman will do that before a man will. I did the same thing in my first marriage....never, ever again.

And even though it will seem like years, a week really isn't that long when you think about it.
 
RE:

Lots of varied advice here. TO play or not to play the game? It is important for you to give him "space" because he's asked for it, but in echo of A-Jock's comments, YOU decide how long that will be. How long are you going to be comfortable in limbo? I work with women in an outpatient therapy clinic, and I see all the time this tendency to be willing to do all kinds of things to preserve relationships. But you have put a lot into this relationship too.

One thing I would expect is some answers when the "break" is over (and yes, you deserve to know). What was it about? What was he feeling? What doubts does he have - about you, about marriage, etc.

Secondly, although many have happy ending stories here, I think I'd err on the side of not expecting one. It is possible that it won't happen, and it wouldn't hurt you to prepare a bit for that. I don't think he's out of line for asking for space, but it always kills me how many men and women do this when their partner brings up the future. If these folks are having doubts, why do they let it go until their partners are invested enough to be thinking of marriage? Its almost like its a surprise so some when their partners start talking about the relationship having a future - doesn't everyone expect that to some degree? Maybe things really are changing...

Sorry to rant!
 
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I second everything Aquajock said! He should feel lucky and honored to have YOU! If he doesn't see that, I'm positive there is someone else out there for you, who will love you completely and never keep you wondering.

Most importantly, you don't need anyone else in your life to make you happy.

Good luck!! (((HUGS)))
 
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Hi future fitness dynamo,
Interesting comments.. thank you. He asked for a week, I'm giving him a week. I am now on Day #3 (aka third longest day of my life). I had to go to a funeral this morning for my dad's best friend who was only 59 - so young, especially when you consider his mother was there too. It made me think about how life and family are so precious and we shouldn't waste time and take people for granted. Of course, I already know that. I need for him to figure that out. Doing well though--I have STILL not called or emailed him.
I totally agree with you on the "surprise" factor - why is it such a shock that (especially at a certain age) we would start to think about marriage and a future, when the relationship is going well? And I told him from the start that that's what I'm looking for! Oh well.. I am preparing for the worst but will be thrilled with the best.
Amy
 
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totally my personal and probably jaded opinion, but having been given a similar nasty surprise by two different men i was very serious about, this is your clue to JUMP SHIP. my sister asked her husband once why men do this and he said because men are programmed to always look for someone better but they don't want to let go of what they do have in case there isn't anything better. that doesn't bode well for the woman and to be honest, you are worth more than that. if he doesn't see a future with you, you need to handle this like a band aid. the pain is over a lot faster if you rip it off than if you peel it off slowly. Most (not all) men are fundamentally cowards about emaotional stuff and sometimes you have to do their dirty work for them, or they will string you along and waste your precious time!

sorry to be blunt, and i know this is incredibley painful for you, I know the pain and wouldn't wish it on anyone, but just keep yourself in mind first and foremost and remember you are worthy of a wonderful relationsip with someone who KNOWS they want a future with you.

jill
 
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