Not having children

Mom .Of three boys here ... 20,16 and 3 . I dont regret any of it !!! They are my joys in my life ,not easy though . All living at home still .My big boys are so great to youngest . great feeling here . You dont have to decide right now anyhow !!!! Go with the flow . I have one friend Married young ,married 20 years before they had a baby !!! That was a big change for them !!! :) :)
 
Donna,
I probably didn't explain things well. My son is 8 and in first grade (he has autism and is very hyper). Getting him to sit down to learn is quite the job. So your experience with a little girl that is learning easily will be very different. I sometimes forget that my situation is not typical. My son does his own thing on the soccer field but thankfully the other parents and kids are wonderfully accepting of his differences. His behavior is very odd but everybody still loves him. His teacher wanted him to do an extra activity like soccer to force him to do some socializing.
The activities like soccer (gymnastics) whatever you choose, is tons of fun!!!!

You are right too, that little girls aren't very accepting of hand-me-downs whereas a little boy could care less.

Lisa
 
I don't have children. I don't like children enough to have them around 24/7. Enjoying the sporadic company of the children of friends is enough for me. There was a time when I thought I wanted them (a very brief period after I came back to the US after a year in France), but it was a fleeting thing.

I don't regret not having them.

IMO, not having children is no more selfish than having them, both can be seen as "selfish" in some ways. I find it much more selfish to have many children in a world that is overpopulated, especially since most Americans use 4-7 times the resources of people in other countries.

Not having children is one way I can help control overpopulation (and since there's no way I can have a "negative" amount of children, it's about the most I can do.)

Whatever you choose to do is YOUR decision (yours and your husband's). Don't let anyone make you feel bad about whatever you decide, and don't feel "selfish." Rather than devoting all the time and resources that you would spend on children, on yourself, you could volunteer for some organizations, you could donate to a human services organization, you could do many things that are not selfish.
 
OH! Well that makes sense. Still...I'll probably have to help her study for tests and stuff. No one ever did that with me, so I had horrible study habits and was always never better than a B student.

I'll bet his friends actually enjoy his differences. It's great that he is in the age where parents of special needs children aren't encouraged to hide them away. Our own children will benefit greatly by the interaction and will develop an understanding that a disability doesn't mean an inability.
 
Great discussion! I have truly enjoyed reading everyone's perspective and life experiences. I am 29, pregnant with my third baby and thoroughly happy. I was able to enjoy a short-lived profession in teaching before my dh and I decided we were ready to start having kids. Notice I don't say ready to start a family, because a couple is a family. I always hate it when people think you need to have kids to be a family. Big pet peeve of mine.

I just wanted to say I think it's great that we can all make our own choices and respect each other in the process. I absolutely love being a mom, at the same time I would never expect every woman to go down that path. It absolutely changes your identity as a woman and wife (in both positive and sometimes negative ways). It is not selfish not to want to have children. I can't understand anyone thinking that.

I've encountered so many children in crisis situations who lack any stable home enviroment, partly because their mothers keep having babies without any real thought about how to take care of them. It sounds like you and dh thoroughly enjoy your shared life and for the time being are perfectly content with it. If that changes, then think again about having kids. But for now, you sound extremely happy with the way things are. :) Heather
 
Wow, Maximus I was very moved by your post. Your ability to be strong, vulnerable, and honest is something I admire alot! dmd:)
 
I also agree that it is not selfish to not have children.

Speaking of pet peeve's - one of my biggest ones is when a person says "is the FATHER BABYSITTING the kids today". That really bugs me. He is not a babysitter.

Joanne
 
When I hit 30 I had a, I guess, maternal feeling sweep over me, I finally realized that I may want a child someday whereas I never thought I wanted any before that...It comes and goes now, I'll be 33 in July. I don't have any decisions to make soon because I'm single. I know my parents want grandkids, and I do feel a little pressure there because my brother passed away before having any kids so now it's on my shoulders.

I agree it is not selfish to decide not to have kids. It's your life and I hope you are able to come to a decision that's best for you
 
That's a tough decision.

I have six and I LOVE IT! There is always some kind of entertainment going on here. It's fun to watch them grow and mature. (Sometimes stressful, but in the long run, very rewarding.)

Since I have so many children, I'm hoping that one or two will live near us when they are adults. I am one of two children and live 2000 miles away from my parents. My children are the only grandchildren and my parents RARELY see them. My brother somewhat of a loser, so I know he wouldn't want the responsibility of taking care of my parents as they age. If my parents need me, I am willing to move back and take care of them.

I must tell you though, that if you do decide to have a child, you will NOT regret it. The love for your child is a love that you have never known.

Shirley
 
:) Brother is a loser. It's not funny, but it's funny to see it in print. Personally, I don't want the responsibility of taking care of my father if he should need it. Not after the way my step-mother has spent the last 20 years completely spoiling him! She does EVERYTHING for him, it's just disgusting.

I'll heat up his chicken pot pie and he'll like it!
 
"I must tell you though, that if you do decide to have a child, you will NOT regret it. The love for your child is a love that you have never known."

I really agree with that too.

Joanne
 
>"I must tell you though, that if you do decide to have a
>child, you will NOT regret it. The love for your child is a
>love that you have never known."
>
>I really agree with that too.
>
>Joanne


I feel it already just being pregnant!:+ :D


Have a great work out!

~Wendy~

I smoked my last cigarette on March 17, 2004 at 10:00 pm!

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN

http://lilypie.com/days/050519/1/0/1/-5/.png[/img][/url]
 
I think having kids is a totally personal decision. I have two and I can't imagine life without them.... well, wait a second sometimes I can. ;-) But they are a wonderful part of life and for me motherhood is very fulfilling. My biggest challenge has been maintaining my own interests and sense of self... particularly since getting divorced. I think the self gets lost for people (women) sometimes. I have friends who live their entire lives through their kids. I worry what will happen to them when the kids grow up and move on....

I also want to say that I for one am jealous when someone tells me they don't want kids because I have always been absolutely AFFLICTED with the desire to reproduce. I am sure this is biological and indicative of my origins in common stock, heh-heh. :) :) I am about 99% sure I will not have any more children, but I tell you, some days I worry my body is just going to take right over....:eek: :eek:

Cheers,
Marie
 
DH and I do not plan on having children and we are absolutely at peace with our decision. DH and I both have good careers and make good incomes. Neither of us wants to give up having a career, but if we had a child, one of us would have to. Also, neither of us is really very comfortable around children - we are not the type of people that children are drawn to (except to point and laugh, perhaps!). I have absolutely no maternal instinct, no desire to be a mother. I feel I would be doing the world a great disservice if I were to have a child, because I don't think I'd be a great parent. There are clearly some people who are just ready-made for parenthood. DH and I are not those kind of people. We have 3 cats that we absolutely love to pieces and treat them like children - as such, the only "children" we ever see ourselves having are the furry, four-legged type. :) Both of us are a lot better with animals than we are with kids!

We have gotten a lot of criticism for our decision - some people just cannot believe that not everyone wants to have kids, or that not everyone is SUPPOSED to have kids. It is not a life calling for everyone, and I believe that if you feel called to have children, then you should. But if you don't feel called, then it's probably best to not have kids. Sure, there are people who didn't want kids, but accidentally got pregnant and now they can't imagine not having kids. But there are also people who didn't want kids, accidentally got pregnant, and are miserable about it. No one likes to talk about those people, because they are seen as selfish and insensitive and abnormal. I don't think it's selfish to not want children. At least, it's no more selfish than wanting to have children. Think of the many reasons people decide to have kids - to carry on the family name, to have someone to take care of you when you're older (which there is NO guarantee of!), to have something to love, to have a child who will become famous or brilliant... the list goes on. Certainly there are unselfish reasons to have children too. Just as there are unselfish reasons for not having children - ie, you don't think you'd be a good parent, you don't have the financial resources to adequately support a child, you are concerned about world overpopulation, etc.

You seem to be on the fence, as many people are, so I don't want to try to sway your decision one way or the other. You must do what is right for you. Just know that whatever decision you make should not be considered selfish. Everyone has different life goals, and no one is right or wrong. There is nothing wrong with having children if you really want to and you think you'd be a good parent. There is nothing wrong with not having children if you don't want to. Go with your gut! :)
 
Maximus I was moved by your post too :) Sometimes just writing things out helps us to see and understand things we don't see as well otherwise. Thanks for sharing that.

I think our desire to have children is either there or it's not. If it is there, it is a deep seated passion/belief/want/need/ that you know you need to make life whole. If you don't know then you need to do some soul searching and figure it out. If it's not there then I think it is wrong to have children. There are more people here than the planet can support, so it certainly wouldn't be selfish not to add more. I think a LOT of people should put more thought into the decision and commend anyone that does and decides against it.

I always knew I would have children, but I put it off about as long as I could so I could maximize my busy, career and adventure driven life as best I could. I had my kids at 35 and 37. I'm glad I did it the way I did even if we are the oldest parents at school ;) No regrets anywhere.
 
I don't think it is selfish at all to not have kid (I have 3). I do think it is important to think about how the issue will affect you long term. After watching my grandmother in her home with hospice and her 4 children surrounding her as she passed, I am thankful to have kids. But that wasn't the only reason I did. They have added so much depth to my life. Sometimes people only think about what kids will take away, not what they will add...which is an incredible amount. Think hard on the topic ...good for you for doing so!

Jen
 
Hey Maximus --

I wasn't going to respond to this particular thread since most everything has already been covered, but your post made me want to say a couple of things to YOU (since we "bonded" on the 'boyfriend blues' post sometime back :)). I'm 33 -- no children by choice. I stopped explaining my decision to family and friends some time ago and simply say that's my decision. I have never wanted to have children, so we are different in that area.

A couple of things about your post struck me -- "the man who will always be the love of my life" -- is one. I am currently in the process of some major life changes and discovery, and one of the things I realized about myself is that I hold onto things (people, ideas, jobs, etc) far past their shelf life. The comment you made about your ex sounded like something I would say. I believe maybe he WAS the love of your life at that time -- but Maximus -- there are many loves out there and you deserve to have it and you WILL have it. This idea finally sunk into MY head when I was reading a cute little book called "How to be Happy Dammit" which gives several little life lessons. Here's the part that gave me my "aha" moment:

"...reminds you of a tip your gardener friend told you...Some plants are only meant to last for a certain season or a certain time. If you try to make them live longer, you will be a bad gardener. You were struct by how the same goes for people and jobs, how sometimes it seems people and jobs -- and/or problems in general -- are brought into your life for certain reasons, to stay around for a certain time, to teach you certain things."

The season with your ex has passed and you WILL find another love (although, believe me, I know it seems so hard) and certainly you learned something from the experience.

If you really, really want a child in the future -- you will make it happen regardless of how scary it may be. But why do you want a child? What are your reasons? If you can answer those questions then maybe it will be less scary for you!

I can tell you, as a product of divorce -- "just going ahead and having the kid" isn't the best choice. So don't even think for a second that it would have been better. You ABSOLUTELY have done the best you can and your life is the way it needs to be. You're living it ... so NO regrets or what-ifs -- okay SISTER!!!!

Thank you for sharing your feelings :) It's nice to know that tough girls can be vulnerable too!

Shonie
 
dmd--thanks for your kind words. You're very sweet.

Max to Max--he was w/o a doubt the love of my life. I'm not bitter about it, I don't hate him, I don't really miss him & I do actually go a day or two sometimes w/o thinking about him. But I'll always love him, I never felt about anyone in my life the way I did about him, & probably never will. It's OK though. I have some really good memories & I feel like I'm lucky to have had the experience. And boy did I learn from it LOL.

Why do I want a child? That's a really tough one to answer. I used to want one b/c I thought I was supposed to. Now it's more b/c I have a lot to give in so many ways & would love to have a brat to give it to. I have a few years left, but w/no prospects for the kid's father I'm thinking it's not gonna happen. ;)

And thank YOU for your support & encouragement. It's really cool that there are people like you I can vent to w/o feeling like a complete idiot. :+
 
"Speaking of pet peeve's - one of my biggest ones is when a person says "is the FATHER BABYSITTING the kids today". That really bugs me. He is not a babysitter."

Joanne - couldn't agree with you more.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top