Not having children

Wow! what unselfish people. I admire those who want to put their careers first and have no kids rather than having careers at the expense of their children. I see so many kids being raised by nannys or day care centers or are just plain neglected. IMO, life's too short. If you choose to have kids, they should be the priority. By the way, I think society places too much emphasis on marriage to include children. I don't get it. There are too many couples that shouldn't have children because they don't no how to raise them or are too involved in their own selfish world to include their children. I don't know if this post makes any sense, my words aren't coming out well today. Bottom line, don't let anyone make you feel bad about not having children. I love mine to death and they are my life, but I knew I wanted children and I feel that I have put them first in my life. My husband wants to take me away for a few days on a trip and I'm feeling guilty about leaving them with grandparents, who love them more than anything. How nuts is that?!:eek:
 
I wish I COULD stay at home with my daughter, but unfortunately, being a single mom, that just won't work. I'd love to drop her off and pick her up at school every day, like some of the other moms. But I've made the best arrangement that I can, and I chose a job that would be very flexible with regard to my family commitments.

I love her more than anything and always tell her that she's "number one in my heart". I can't imagine life without her, but I can completely understand why people wouldn't want to have kids, and I don't think it's selfish at all. It's just another choice we have to make in this life. Just make sure that you and your partner feel the same way about it. I've seen it happen far too often where resentment builds up because one partner really DID want kids but went along with the other one until it was too late.
 
DH and I are currently child-free and at 36, I know that my time to make a decision either way is limited. I have never had a strong desire to have children, but I have never wanted to rule it out completely.

One thing I have noticed as my friends have had children is that my friendship with them changes. Almost all of my friends have made their children their identity. They're no longer "Sally" - they're "Will's Mom" or whatever and all they want to talk about is their kids. I realize their life has changed, but what happened to the person I used to know?
 
AngeleP,

I've gone the full cycle. I'm a Mom and Grandma (or NiNi as my granddaughter calls me :) ). I can totally relate to your comments because now, even though I love and enjoy children, I'm also enjoying having my own identity. When I see young mothers with their children it brings back memories of when my daughter was my life.
 
Take what Maximus said and reverse it.

I've always wanted a career since I was very young. My father founded and ran a construction company, and he was my inspiration.

My son is my second pregnancy. The first one wasn't viable. Both pregnancies just happened, DESPITE birth control.

I love my son very much. He's the reason why I get up in the morning. Watching him blossom brings me, literally, to my knees. He was recently diagnosed with a dysfunction. Nothing serious, but it requires a lot of therapy, and it did greatly alter our lives for a while. He had school troubles, and it hit me -- after many years of feeling like I had been robbed of so many things, freedom being the first of many -- that I had to be his strongest advocate. He wouldn't make it without me. For the first time since I conceived him, I felt like I am part of something so much bigger than me.

I do wonder, however, what my life would've been like if I'd stayed childless. There is a lot of loss there. I try not to think about it, but it's hard to make the matter disappear.

I don't think those who opt to stay childless are selfish. I come from a culture where people have large families so others can take care of them in their old age. I have in-laws who expect to be taken care of hand and foot. Now, that's selfish. And presumptuous.

This is not to say that those who want kids are selfish either. I don't understand why selfishness is usually brought into the discussion about having or not having kids. I have many friends, both who really want families, and those who purposely don't want marriage and/or kids. All of them have good reasons for their decisions.

I made a decision to carry on with my second pregnancy because the first one wasn't viable. I actually witnessed the slow death of the first one. Week by week, a sonogram was taken, and I watched her/him lose the fight. When I got pregnant again, despite my disappointment, I felt blessed, like life itself was trying its hardest to break through me. I used to think it was a weird way to feel. Looking back now, I understand it all.

Pinky
 
Do what's right for you and your DH!! You don't owe anyone any explanations. I have two children, no regrets, but parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Well, maybe marriage is but it depends on what day you ask me.

:)

"Don't forget to breathe!"
 
I don't have time to read all of the other post so I don't know what other advice you have gotten.I may give you the same.
I never wanted kids.But at the age of 17,I found myself with a bun in the oven! (nice phrase hey?)I am now 26 and still only have one child and uncertain about anymore.I love babies.I think they are the best thing in the world but then they grow up.And you often wonder, are you raising these kids to be civial adults....and you never know where they may go wrong in life. And no matter what, I think a parent will always blame themselves for going wrong somewhere along the way.
Alot of my friends have had babies recently and I can honestly say that I do not feel the craving for anymore.But I may sometime.I am still young and so is my hubby.Then I look at how old I will be when she moves out.I will be 36 yrs old! Alot of people are that old when they start their family.I will still be young and we can have a life of travel and fun.(hopefully I will live that long,there are no guarntees in this life).
I know alot of people who couldn't imagine their life with kids.Everything seemed fullfilled.Then they had children and wondered what they did with their time before.
I think if you are uncertain you really need to think about it.As much as I am unsure, I think I will have another.Maybe in a year or two.
A lady once said to me:
" you will never regret having kids, but you may regret not having kids" So true.
I hope you find what you are looking for.
And you can always have fun trying:)
Lori:)
 
Isn't that true Midnight, LOL!! It depends on the day alright. I do have to say walking around the house with a colicky baby all hours of the day and night had to be the hardest 3 months of my life.
 
> A lady once said to me:
> " you will never regret having kids, but you may regret not
>having kids" So true.

True for some (maybe most), perhaps, but not for others!
 
I have a very dear friend who said to me when I wasn't sure I wanted more kids, "you only regret the kids you don't have, never the ones you do." I now have three children and, who would ever think it, but I am so happy with my life! I am always busy, never am in a sane state of mind, and don't remember where I left my purse half of the time. But my life is so full of love I could just burst. I am happy. I love my kids, I love my husband, I love my life.
I also have a cousin who has been married for 15 years and has no children, and doesn't want children. "People who don't want children shouldn't," my uncle says. He and his wife do a lot, like you they take trips, they can do whatever whenever however, and are an incredibly happy and complete couple.
Which one of these scenarios speaks to your heart?
 
I have really enjoyed reading this thread as I often feel as though I am the only person who feels the way I do:)

I have never felt compelled to have children. When I was young and babysat, I liked toddlers and young kids, but infants, in particular, have always made me uncomfortable.

I married at 17. Everyone assumed I was pregnant but I was just young and dumb, lol. I thought the maternal instinct would sink in eventually but it never has. I am now 31. I still have no desire to have any kids.

I am an only child and have a nice career. I went to college and now am in line to inherent the family business. I cannot imagine having the time to devote to a child at this point in my life.

Echoing on another post, I never want to lose my identity either. Perhaps it's selfish but I never want to be Andy's wife or Stacy's mom, I want to be me. I find it sad when women become someone else's something.

How interesting it truly is that women feel so guilty in making the choice not to have children. No one would question a man for deciding not to become a father yet women feel as though they have to explain or justify their decision not to become a mother.

As the clocks ticks I still am unsure as to what my ultimate decision will be, but until I am at least 90% sure, I will not have any children. The decision is too important to be taken lightly.
 
Great thread. I don't have kids--in fact, the issue broke up my marriage, but that's another story. I'm also one of those people who sort of fell into the no kids decision. I love babies. But when I was growing up in the 1960s, my mother made her kids her whole life--she gave up a really promising career as a musician to have a family. And I vowed that I would never do that. So when it came time to decide baby(ies) or not, I couldn't make up my mind. Couldn't decide if I wanted to change my life in the way that it would require to have children, and was afraid of losing myself the way my mom did. It's really nice to come on here and see that other people experienced the same in making (or falling into) this decision.
 
>> A lady once said to me:
>> " you will never regret having kids, but you may regret not
>>having kids" So true.
>
>True for some (maybe most), perhaps, but not for others!

I think that is the whole point of the word "may".I know the saying doesn't go for everyone! I didn't want kids but I don't regret having her.But I may have regreted NOT having any.
 
What an insightful thread. Everyone has given awesome feedback. I had a kid when I was 20 years old. Young, & foolish. Being Hispanic I thought that's what I was supposed to do. Reproduce. Well, now 14 years later , I love my daughter so much, I would never regret it. So I can't say BUT... Now that I'm older though, I acknowledge I am not a kid person. I have no clue when it comes to kids. When Mallory was younger, I don't think I connected well. Now that's she older and so much an individual, she fascinates me. She has so many good qualities, unlike any of mine. Cool. But I still wouldn't dare have another one. I am too selfish. I will tell you that from the get-go.

Also, someone mentioned being a SAHM, I think that is more important than you know. I really think the baby needs you to bond than just 6 weeks of maternity leave. Can your finances afford it? Mine never could.

I don't want anymore kids & that's final.

Marla
 
I'm 37 with no kids, and don't want them. Hubby and I also have a little bit of acreage with horses, dogs, cats; we both work full time. I'm just not interested in kids, and luckily, neither is he. I was the baby of the family, and never around babies, so I guess I just don't have that time clock ticking thing. I'm very happy with the decision not to have kids.
 
I had my son at the age of 17...dumb, dumb, dumb! I wasn't a very good mother, what with being a child myself, living through a bad marriage, and ending that marriage to become a single parent.

I love my son & cannot regret giving him life, but I'm well aware that he could have had a better life. And to be perfectly honest, if I had it to do again I would have no children.

Now being an Aunt...THAT I love, & I'm darned good at it too, if I say so myself!

Ruth
:)
 
This is an awesome topic and quite fascinating.

I thought about another probable reason for why I never became a mother. My grandmother didn't have a shred of maternal instinct and was a downright awful mother to my Mom. My Mom was a bit better, but was so un-mothered herself that she really wasn't fit for the job. I think there was a part of me that wanted to stop the insanity and discontinue the heritage of bad mothering. Having said that, however, I think I've got all the maternal instinct that my mom and grandmother lacked. I'll mother anyone or anything, anytime anywhere!
 
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