ReneePruitt
Cathlete
Fit44 i love that, it gave me chills.. Dont swallow what eats at your soul.... That is awesome! True and can be said in every aspect of life! Thanks i wish i thought of that.
Need some personal marriage advice...
- Thread starter GrettaB
- Start date
pgeiger
Cathlete
OK, I almost spit out my mouthful of tea when I read this because it made me laugh so hard!
lcsavik
Cathlete
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand how you feel.
My first real boyfriend had a girl always texting him. He insisted they were had only ever been friends. I was ok with for a while until he was constantly texting her even on our dates. I expressed my irritation and he said it was my problem and that people can do and talk to whom ever they want.
I found out shortly after that his pool league nights were really spent with her. Then he would come home to me. I found out simply by chance. My phone died and I needed to call a mutual friend. As he handed the phone to me a text from her came through. The phone was on silent mode. It was obscene and told me all I needed to know. I handed the phone back to him and left for 3 days. He was frantically texting me begging to come home. I did and I packed my stuff while he was crying and telling me everything (even about other women) and that I was the only person he wanted to be with and that he was sorry. It took me years to get over all that mess.
Now I'm happily married to a man who holds my feelings in the highest regard. There was one incident where an ex girlfriend posted on his Facebook congratulations on our anniversary and something along the lines of she knew what I was getting that night. I was very upset about that comment. However, I've learned to think through my feelings until I can communicate in a loving respectful manner. He noticed I was quiet. So I said that I had broken off all ties with me ex boyfriends out of respect for him an that I wanted to give our marriage my all and didn't feel the need to confide in others about relationship issues. I said that her comment made me feel uncomfortable. He took my feelings very seriously and unfriended all of his ex girlfriends. Shortly after he deleted his Facebook because he didn't want there to be any chance of drama. I didn't tell him to do that.
Expressing feelings can be difficult but we always need to be careful not to speak in anger bc words can cause serious damage and cannot be taken back. Just remember to always speak in a loving manner and express your commitment to your marriage. Maybe your husband will learn from your example. I would also request that you wish he would talk to you about issues instead of her. She had to of had some reason to tell him to leave you. A loving and fully committed husband would be sensitive to your feelings and respect your wishes. Maybe couples therapy will teach the skills he needs to do so. Until then, give it your all so that nothing can be attributed to your behavior. Always refrain from allowing things to escalate to an argument and make sure you are always calm and mild. Choose your words wisely and be careful not to say things that are hurtful.
I truly hope that it all works out for you. (((Hugs)))
My first real boyfriend had a girl always texting him. He insisted they were had only ever been friends. I was ok with for a while until he was constantly texting her even on our dates. I expressed my irritation and he said it was my problem and that people can do and talk to whom ever they want.
I found out shortly after that his pool league nights were really spent with her. Then he would come home to me. I found out simply by chance. My phone died and I needed to call a mutual friend. As he handed the phone to me a text from her came through. The phone was on silent mode. It was obscene and told me all I needed to know. I handed the phone back to him and left for 3 days. He was frantically texting me begging to come home. I did and I packed my stuff while he was crying and telling me everything (even about other women) and that I was the only person he wanted to be with and that he was sorry. It took me years to get over all that mess.
Now I'm happily married to a man who holds my feelings in the highest regard. There was one incident where an ex girlfriend posted on his Facebook congratulations on our anniversary and something along the lines of she knew what I was getting that night. I was very upset about that comment. However, I've learned to think through my feelings until I can communicate in a loving respectful manner. He noticed I was quiet. So I said that I had broken off all ties with me ex boyfriends out of respect for him an that I wanted to give our marriage my all and didn't feel the need to confide in others about relationship issues. I said that her comment made me feel uncomfortable. He took my feelings very seriously and unfriended all of his ex girlfriends. Shortly after he deleted his Facebook because he didn't want there to be any chance of drama. I didn't tell him to do that.
Expressing feelings can be difficult but we always need to be careful not to speak in anger bc words can cause serious damage and cannot be taken back. Just remember to always speak in a loving manner and express your commitment to your marriage. Maybe your husband will learn from your example. I would also request that you wish he would talk to you about issues instead of her. She had to of had some reason to tell him to leave you. A loving and fully committed husband would be sensitive to your feelings and respect your wishes. Maybe couples therapy will teach the skills he needs to do so. Until then, give it your all so that nothing can be attributed to your behavior. Always refrain from allowing things to escalate to an argument and make sure you are always calm and mild. Choose your words wisely and be careful not to say things that are hurtful.
I truly hope that it all works out for you. (((Hugs)))
Countryside
Active Member
I think he also needs to take a good look at himself and figure out what is causing him to even want to jeopardize his marriage for this woman in the first place. Any decent woman wouldn’t send a married man pictures like that. It’s a red flag she has issues and he’s asking for trouble.
That was my first thought when I read the original post.... I think it gives you some excellent insight into this chick's motivations/character. Who sends a picture like that to a married man? It's vulgar and undignified.
And it's also "out there" for your husband to send to whomever he wants!
Gretta, best wishes to you. You are getting some good advice here. If I were you, I'd put the kabosh on the "friendship" now.
melagras
Cathlete
I agree with Nanbo.
melagras
Cathlete
Only one answer to that question - a slut.
tralaiven
Cathlete
nckfitheart2009
Cathlete
Personal mariage issue
Hi Greta,
So sorry You are facing issue in your marriage.
You have had a lot of wise advise and I hope you take them on board. I just would like to add my thoughts as to keeping in touch with exs being friends.
IMO there is no rule. I mean no rule whether each individual should or should not be friend to EXs. Why because what is most important is what each individual want to gain from this friendship. Both parties should be open and honest by disclosing motives behind keeping the relationship.
I have been in long relationship twice (technically married once) I have also briefly dated. I am friend with most of them a part from one who I won't in any circumstances get in touch with.
I had a good friend I met when I was at Uni. At the time he had a massive crush on me and I honestly told him feelings were not mutual. I tried to be a friend to him. I did value our friendship cause intellectually we were on the same page and we had common hobbies. He was a very good friend to have around I did get on really with him. i just could not reciprocate feelings he had for me. I just could not romantically connect to him... I did after all these years sadly realise I had to let him cut lies with me. I know it was hard for him to carry on the friendship because of his feeling for me. He contacted me recently and know he still feel the same.
The point I am trying to get at is. There is no harm in being with Exs as long as both individual truly know where they stand.
In Your case Gretta, You already have issue in marriage which truly your husband should focus on and eventually resolve. Instead he seems to be investing time texting to this "friend" who is sending inappropriate pictures. On top of that she is stating "you should call it quit" . Which is not a considerate statement to make as far as the marriage is concerned.
Just as Fit44 stated that there is no way she would put with that, I would not either.
You have taken a good step considering counselling. Your husband should get involved. Marriage can work if you both take action.
Wish you the very best and hope you find your way out this issue in your mariage.
Hi Greta,
So sorry You are facing issue in your marriage.
You have had a lot of wise advise and I hope you take them on board. I just would like to add my thoughts as to keeping in touch with exs being friends.
IMO there is no rule. I mean no rule whether each individual should or should not be friend to EXs. Why because what is most important is what each individual want to gain from this friendship. Both parties should be open and honest by disclosing motives behind keeping the relationship.
I have been in long relationship twice (technically married once) I have also briefly dated. I am friend with most of them a part from one who I won't in any circumstances get in touch with.
I had a good friend I met when I was at Uni. At the time he had a massive crush on me and I honestly told him feelings were not mutual. I tried to be a friend to him. I did value our friendship cause intellectually we were on the same page and we had common hobbies. He was a very good friend to have around I did get on really with him. i just could not reciprocate feelings he had for me. I just could not romantically connect to him... I did after all these years sadly realise I had to let him cut lies with me. I know it was hard for him to carry on the friendship because of his feeling for me. He contacted me recently and know he still feel the same.
The point I am trying to get at is. There is no harm in being with Exs as long as both individual truly know where they stand.
In Your case Gretta, You already have issue in marriage which truly your husband should focus on and eventually resolve. Instead he seems to be investing time texting to this "friend" who is sending inappropriate pictures. On top of that she is stating "you should call it quit" . Which is not a considerate statement to make as far as the marriage is concerned.
Just as Fit44 stated that there is no way she would put with that, I would not either.
You have taken a good step considering counselling. Your husband should get involved. Marriage can work if you both take action.
Wish you the very best and hope you find your way out this issue in your mariage.
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Hermia
Cathlete
I feel that in general maintaining friendships with exes is a bad thing...there may be some situations where it works out for all parties, but I tend to think those are the exceptions (and there are pretty much always exceptions to things). I do feel that in order for a friendship with an ex to even be considered, that ex has to be absolutely respectful about the relationship, which this woman obviously is not. How can a man truly call someone a friend when that person does not respect his partner and marriage? If you want your marriage to work, you have to be loyal to your partner and defend your relationship from outside antagonists. How can you work on stuff between you when there's outside stuff pressing in? I think sometimes people encourage flirtation (or in this case, nasty pictures) because they feel it validates their attractiveness/desirableness as a partner, but that's just being selfish and childish. Maybe he didn't solicit the picture, but if he doesn't flat out end the relationship, he's leaving things open for her to continue in this and perhaps even become bolder.
Also...and maybe I'm stereotyping, but do men do "phone friendships"? They don't call each other up to talk. The phone is strictly utilitarian to men. What does he need from this "phone friendship" that he can't get from legit friends without questionable motives?
Also...and maybe I'm stereotyping, but do men do "phone friendships"? They don't call each other up to talk. The phone is strictly utilitarian to men. What does he need from this "phone friendship" that he can't get from legit friends without questionable motives?
First of all, like so many others, I'm truly sorry for the pain and stress that you are going through.
This past year, I felt that my best friend was getting too close to my husband. She began texting him while he was on business trips, etc... I spoke to him, explained how I felt and he agreed it was inappropriate. We decided we should spend less time with her (she, her husband and 4-yr old daughter live(d) across the street).
As I began to pull away from her, she clung for dear life. I wrote her a text message that I was uncomfortable with her interaction with my husband. She wrote back the longest message ever that made me 1000x more uncomfortable than I had been -- she wasn't attracted to my DH, that they were like twins separated at birth, could read each others thoughts without speaking a word, etc... Also, that she was offended I thought her capable of doing something like that to me. We met in person and she said the same thing.
I was stunned. When I discussed it with my DH, he again assured me that there was nothing on his side, they were friends but nothing more. He never offered to sever ties, but suggested things would normalize with space. It did occur to met hat he should voluntarily be willing to end the friendship. She and her husband were going on a 3-week vacation at the same time that my DH was going on a business trip.
A week to the day after they came back, my DH asked me for a divorce. Yep, leaving me for my friend. This was in October. I flew home to be with family and she moved into my house within days.
In retrospect, the friendship they had crossed boundaries and became an emotional affair long before anything physical. When he began sharing things with her about me, and she began advocating he leave me, she became my enemy. When he refused to end their friendship, in effect, he chose her over me.
A book that helped me was "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
I wish you the best of luck with your situation, but please, please keep your eyes open and trust your instincts!!! Keep us posted.
This past year, I felt that my best friend was getting too close to my husband. She began texting him while he was on business trips, etc... I spoke to him, explained how I felt and he agreed it was inappropriate. We decided we should spend less time with her (she, her husband and 4-yr old daughter live(d) across the street).
As I began to pull away from her, she clung for dear life. I wrote her a text message that I was uncomfortable with her interaction with my husband. She wrote back the longest message ever that made me 1000x more uncomfortable than I had been -- she wasn't attracted to my DH, that they were like twins separated at birth, could read each others thoughts without speaking a word, etc... Also, that she was offended I thought her capable of doing something like that to me. We met in person and she said the same thing.
I was stunned. When I discussed it with my DH, he again assured me that there was nothing on his side, they were friends but nothing more. He never offered to sever ties, but suggested things would normalize with space. It did occur to met hat he should voluntarily be willing to end the friendship. She and her husband were going on a 3-week vacation at the same time that my DH was going on a business trip.
A week to the day after they came back, my DH asked me for a divorce. Yep, leaving me for my friend. This was in October. I flew home to be with family and she moved into my house within days.
In retrospect, the friendship they had crossed boundaries and became an emotional affair long before anything physical. When he began sharing things with her about me, and she began advocating he leave me, she became my enemy. When he refused to end their friendship, in effect, he chose her over me.
A book that helped me was "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
I wish you the best of luck with your situation, but please, please keep your eyes open and trust your instincts!!! Keep us posted.
mrsprincess07
Cathlete
I agree. As the saying goes- "Loose lips sink ships". IMO, any contact with an ex (except if they share a child or are alerting of a death or emergency situation with a mutal friend) is off limits. Been there myself before and basically it came down to him needing to make a choice as I wasn't prepared to compete for his time or trust. I shouldn't (nor should you) have to compete for anything with another woman. if it makes you uncomfortable, regardless of what it is, then it's a problem he needs to address- period.
There is a reason why people are "Ex's".
RapidBreath
Cathlete
I'm not married. However, I have had the opportunity to observe a functional 46 year marriage up close and personal: my parents. I have also observed train wrecks that ended in acrimonious divorces. One of the things that I have observed over the years is that when someone in the marriage chooses to inflict pain through ignoring the feelings of someone else, often times in what could be called subtle ways, its really a hidden desire to undermine the relationship and force the other party to end it. Its a chicken way of getting out without taking the blame. I am so sorry that your spouse is not holding your feelings in as high an esteem as you deserve. I do second the motion for getting some therapy. Clarity is key to resolving and understanding yourself and the truth is that is all that you can do, you can't fix him. What you can do if you are not ready to end the relationship, is you can treat him with the utmost of care and respect and still communicate your feelings. The trick is not to descend into shrill or demeaning communication styles. It is really hard to do, not easy at all, and I do not intend to reduce the level of pain or hardship that you are going through. But, other than that, I don't know of anything further that you could do.
If it were me, I would be thinking that maybe he doesn't love me the way that I need him to: with respect and consideration.
Hugs.
If it were me, I would be thinking that maybe he doesn't love me the way that I need him to: with respect and consideration.
Hugs.
Exaaaactly!
ETA: expatter- I just wanted to add that I am so sorry for what you went through with your husband. I can't even imagine the pain and betrayal you felt. I hope things have gotten better for you.
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