Need Advice on Awkward Situation

Debinmi said:
Unfortunately not many have the skills & this can lead to "crazy" anger acting out when people haven't been able effectively be assertiveness so they go to the extreme of damaging anger behavior.
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Yes, this was explained to us as passive-aggressive behavior. First, we are too passive in our requests, usually in the wording we use because we are trying to be nice and not upset anyone, and then when we aren't listened to for the umpteenth time, we get aggressive and blow up. The interesting thing was that out of 10 of us young women, none of us knew that we were engaging in passive-aggressive behavior, and that there was a better way to be heard, by being assertive. It was like we had blindfolds on our whole lives and in this course, they were suddenly removed. I did this course about 30 years ago and I remember the teachings better than most of my actual University papers.

As for dangerous people, for the most part these people profile their victims and generally don't target women who are assertive and self-assured. They are looking for more vulnerable targets. But there are always exceptions as Debinmi pointed out and avoidance is usually the only option for these people.

Ashaw, you mentioned you wanted the texting to stop, but what if he continues to come up to you, side hug you and kiss you on the cheek? You need to be very clear about the behaviors that need to stop.

Good luck on Monday! I'm sending you lots of assertive vibes. As we say here in New Zealand, Kia Kaha (Stay Strong)!
 
Hazlady said:
Yes, this was explained to us as passive-aggressive behavior. First, we are too passive in our requests, usually in the wording we use because we are trying to be nice and not upset anyone, and then when we aren't listened to for the umpteenth time, we get aggressive and blow up. The interesting thing was that out of 10 of us young women, none of us knew that we were engaging in passive-aggressive behavior, and that there was a better way to be heard, by being assertive. It was like we had blindfolds on our whole lives and in this course, they were suddenly removed. I did this course about 30 years ago and I remember the teachings better than most of my actual University papers.

As for dangerous people, for the most part these people profile their victims and generally don't target women who are assertive and self-assured. They are looking for more vulnerable targets. But there are always exceptions as Debinmi pointed out and avoidance is usually the only option for these people.

Ashaw, you mentioned you wanted the texting to stop, but what if he continues to come up to you, side hug you and kiss you on the cheek? You need to be very clear about the behaviors that need to stop.

Good luck on Monday! I'm sending you lots of assertive vibes. As we say here in New Zealand, Kia Kaha (Stay Strong)!
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Kia Kaha! I remember hearing that in the Les Mills Combat workouts I used to do!

I really need to find one of those courses because my problems are being vulnerable, not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, and not assertive enough to stand up for myself. This is exactly what led to my affair in 2017. In the HRT thread, I mentioned being told I was already starting menopause earlier that year. It plunged me into a huge depression, I was already very stressed at work and I asked my husband if I could see a therapist/counselor. He blew it off and said quit your job if you're stressed. I told him that wasn't necessary, I just needed to talk to someone. I felt unsexy because of menopause. Then 3 months later, here comes an unexpected text from my neighbor Paul and despite trying to break things off twice, he came back both times and had this BS about how he needed me, blah, blah and how his wife ignored him and how he had a crush on me from the day they moved in. As the texts continued, I became attracted to the person behind the messages. And it was too late. I did finally end up in counseling after the affair. I don't want to repeat that.

I'm so thankful for all your responses. I didn't talk to my mom because I knew what she would say. Block his number, change your route/timing and disappear. I guess that's what I grew up seeing. Run and hide.

When I walked my sweet Luca this afternoon, I paused at the spot on the sidewalk where I'll be tomorrow morning and went over things in my head.

After unpacking a year's worth of short encounters, I remembered one thing. Sometimes Kevin has a helper, Jacob, a delightful guy my age on jobs that need two people. There was one time Luca and I walked by and Jacob was already there when Kevin was getting out of his car. There was no side hug or kiss on the cheek in front of Jacob. In fact, he did it after Jacob went in the gates of the jobsite. So, after tomorrow it will shed light on a lot of things. I might turn the corner Tuesday morning and not even see him, if his motive was to see how far things could go with me, then he might just avoid me. When the first text came in from him in mid January wishing me happy new year, I almost didn't respond. So, its been 2 months of periodic texts. I’m also convinced that he’s texting before his wife gets home from school. The thought has crossed my mind of her looking at his phone and our messages and saying who the hell is this? I know I'm ending that now before I get in over my head. As far as the side hug and kiss, well I can always put the leash and poop bag in the other hand and he might get the message.
On another note, I'm really looking forward to Leaner Legs and CTX
 
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Ashaw, many Community Colleges, Universities & even Women's Centers in larger towns & cities offer Assertiveness Training classes. Usually are offered cheaper than therapy (unless you have good insurance). Domestic Violence shelters often offer the classes too, sometimes free. Of course you don't get the individual counseling that therapy provides, but the instruction & practice is helpful. There are also good books on the subject... free at your local library ... check them out.
 
I did it! I know everyone is wanting to know the deets but it went well and was quite interesting as well. It’s been a busy morning after the walk and breakfast but I’ll give a full report when I get home from the grocery store! Thank y’all again! Big hugs !
 
OK so here's the scoop:

At around 7:45 AM CT, I stood up for myself, my respect, my self worth and my marriage. When Luca and I turned the corner, there was Kevin sitting in his car. He opened the door and I could smell aftershave from a few feet away. He came to me with open arms and before he could grab me and kiss me on the cheek, I said good morning and that I needed to talk to him about something. I pretty much just said that I didn't think it was appropriate for us to continue texting because we're both married and it might be misunderstood. He said he understood, but the look on his face didn't seem to match up. We chatted for a bit about the time change, the cold weather, rugby matches and his job today and when I turned to leave, he DID NOT try to give me a side hug and kiss as he usually does when I leave. I found it very interesting. He waited about 5 months after the selfie to start texting me and I think he might've been slowly feeling things out to see if I was receptive to further advances. This is how things with Paul started out and I know where they go after texting back and forth for some time. Whatever his intentions might've been, he now knows that he can't try to take advantage of the nice neighborhood girl.

After the encounter this morning, I truly wouldn't be surprised if I never saw him again, like tomorrow morning if he's not waiting for me on the street, but rather gone in the gates of the jobsite. I was fine before I met him, it was fun to meet someone from another country, but I'm not going to risk my marriage for a relationship that no good can come from if we got closer. I already messed up once, if I messed up again, my husband wouldn't be so forgiving and I don't want to lose what we worked to restore. Its like a rush of emotions - this huge release from the anxiety that I was dealing with, a relief because I stopped things before they got out of control and for the first time in a while, I felt inner peace when I walked through my front door after walking Luca because I wasn't trying to hide the smell of his atrocious aftershave and I’m not hiding a secret texting relationship from my husband.

Leaner Legs was truly meaner legs and was the perfect workout for this morning given my being nervous of setting a boundary with Kevin. Cathe gets going and never slows down. When I made my notes yesterday and marked the weight loads, I thought, hmmmm 8's and 10's on leg presses? 10's on one legged squats? I always use the same weight as Cathe for the first run through a workout because weight selection matters depending on the tempo and number of reps/sets. I'm looking forward to what CTX has in store for me this week!

And I can't thank all of you enough for your support as I worked through this and made the right decision. I couldn't have done it without bouncing it off people who care. Love y'all!
 
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aqua girl said:
That’s great….good for you….but you mentioned that he said he understood but the facial expression didn’t match, so here I go again, but continue to be careful & aware of
your surroundings…..
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Thank you so much. I truly did the best I could to gather my thoughts into words at the moment considering I didn't sleep well last night and was very nervous about confronting him. For some reason and I might be wrong, I feel like I might not see him anymore, that he'll just go straight in the gate at the morning jobsite and if that's the case, that's fine with me because it shows that he had intentions other than just being friendly in passing. The most telling moment of all was when he didn't try to hug and kiss my cheek when I turned to leave. I will continue to be careful and aware of my surroundings, which I already do because my neighborhood isn't as safe as it used to be. I always have my phone when I walk and so far he has never tried to follow me home.
 
Good for you. The fact that he was waiting for you in his car with aftershave on says a lot. I bet he didn't have all that aftershave on when he kissed his wife goodbye that morning. Keep us posted on what happens on your next walk. By the way, a really good book to read is "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. I picked up this book years ago, haven't read it recently, but it gives some good insights into stalking behavior and how to recognise when you're being manipulated. This is a book that I think every woman needs to read at least once. It's available on Amazon.
 
Hazlady said:
Good for you. The fact that he was waiting for you in his car with aftershave on says a lot. I bet he didn't have all that aftershave on when he kissed his wife goodbye that morning. Keep us posted on what happens on your next walk. By the way, a really good book to read is "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. I picked up this book years ago, haven't read it recently, but it gives some good insights into stalking behavior and how to recognise when you're being manipulated. This is a book that I think every woman needs to read at least once. It's available on Amazon.
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Thank you! I've already looked up the book and plan to order it.

I'm so glad that I put an end to the texting relationship before it was too late. I don't understand the aftershave thing. Its like he bathes in it or something. When I first met him a year ago, I don't remember smelling when he would get out of his car. I just didn't understand the icy look he gave me when I said goodbye and walked away with Luca. I was as polite as I could be, I even told him that while I enjoyed getting those texts from Wales when he was on vacation, I didn't feel it was right for us to keep texting because we're both married.

I did make another interesting observation. When I walked Luca this afternoon, I passed by the gated complex where he's got the 3 week job going. He was gone for the day around 4:15. Supposedly fencing and other work in a front unit that is visible from the sidewalk. I saw zero evidence of work. He said something about fencing material being delivered last week. I've seen over the gates as best I can and I see no pallets of material.

I guess tomorrow's walk will shed more light on the situation. Oh and I think you mentioned having trouble sleeping in the HRT post. I read about these things called Sea Bands which are accupressure wristbands used for motion sickness and they also have been studied to help with sleep. My sleep has been really disrupted lately because of anxiety over this Kevin thing so I bought a pair on Amazon and will try them out tonight.
 
I had a similar situation with a neighbor who was a stay at home dad. It was too uncomfortable for me after one walk together with our kids. I straight up told him nicely that I was sorry but that I was very uncomfortable and I would not be able to maintain the friendship. It broke off all relationship with them and it was difficult because he was our neighbor. But truly I didn’t care because it felt weird and wrong…and what the heck! Things happen and I was not willing to put my marriage in jeopardy.

there are many ppl who would say I was too uptight but they can say on because I totally disagree and know I did the right thing.

best wishes to you!
 
After feeling relief and release yesterday my anxiety came roaring back at bedtime and I only slept a few hours. No CTX this morning and by the time we walked by , I noticed Jacob the helpers car on the street, one gate was open and Kevin’s car was all the way to the back fence of the complex and I could hear the sound of hammering. For some reason now the thought of even seeing him makes me feel inner panic. Maybe it’s better that I didn’t see him this morning.
 
ashaw said:
After feeling relief and release yesterday my anxiety came roaring back at bedtime and I only slept a few hours. No CTX this morning and by the time we walked by , I noticed Jacob the helpers car on the street, one gate was open and Kevin’s car was all the way to the back fence of the complex and I could hear the sound of hammering. For some reason now the thought of even seeing him makes me feel inner panic. Maybe it’s better that I didn’t see him this morning.
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Deep breaths girl. Deep breaths. It will pass.
 
Debinmi said:
Deep breaths girl. Deep breaths. It will pass.
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Thank you so much. Today has been a true mental health day. I know that Cathe and CTX will be there for me tomorrow, plus the chest workout is short so I can tack it on to another segment.

I was feeling at my wit's end this morning, broke down in tears in the shower and finally went back to bed before lunch. I had time to collect my thoughts and realized why I've felt the way I have. I know by standing up for myself yesterday and setting that boundary, I have averted a potential crisis from a prolonged secret texting relationship that no good can come from. I've been down that road and the more you text, the more you feel a bond with that person and pretty soon, its hey, let's meet somewhere and by then its too late. I did what I didn't do in 2017 and saved my marriage and myself from lots of hurt. There is truly no need for me and this man to be texting even periodically. There is nowhere that can lead to but trouble. So it was like a rush of relief yesterday morning when I got back because I did it, followed by a rush of anxiety of will he try to text me again. I have decided that I'm still going to block his number for good measure so I'm not tempted to give in if he happens to be stupid enough to send a hello.

I finally feel back in control of things, I don't feel panic now at the thought of seeing him again because if I see him, I've set that boundary, if I don't then what have I really lost? I spent over a year in counseling after my affair and I'll have 3 years sober in June, I've come too far to let this man ruin my life.

Again, I can't thank you all enough for being there for me. I don't know if I could've done it had I not reached out for help.
 
Part of your anxiety is fear of the unknown. Before you confronted him you didn't know how he would react. Now that you have confronted him there is still some uncertainty on how he will react. Hopefully he will just avoid you until the job's finished and then move on. The more often you walk by that property without seeing him the less anxious you will feel. Let me know how the Sea Bands work. I've just started taking Lion's Mane for brain fog, still a little early to see if it's working.


tralaiven said:
there are many ppl who would say I was too uptight
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Tracy, you were the one in that situation not anyone else, so you were in the best place to decide what was best for you. You were feeling uncomfortable, this could have been your intuition picking up on hidden signals. Sometimes when women assert themselves and take control they are labelled as uptight, unreasonable, b##ches, or other derogatory terms. If the tables were turned and it was him who said the relationship was making him uncomfortable, no one would say anything derogatory about him. In fact, he would probably be congratulated for choosing to save his marriage. I congratulate you for choosing to acknowledge your feelings, taking control, and ending this relationship.
 
Hazlady said:
Part of your anxiety is fear of the unknown. Before you confronted him you didn't know how he would react. Now that you have confronted him there is still some uncertainty on how he will react. Hopefully he will just avoid you until the job's finished and then move on. The more often you walk by that property without seeing him the less anxious you will feel. Let me know how the Sea Bands work. I've just started taking Lion's Mane for brain fog, still a little early to see if it's working.



Tracy, you were the one in that situation not anyone else, so you were in the best place to decide what was best for you. You were feeling uncomfortable, this could have been your intuition picking up on hidden signals. Sometimes when women assert themselves and take control they are labelled as uptight, unreasonable, b##ches, or other derogatory terms. If the tables were turned and it was him who said the relationship was making him uncomfortable, no one would say anything derogatory about him. In fact, he would probably be congratulated for choosing to save his marriage. I congratulate you for choosing to acknowledge your feelings, taking control, and ending this relationship.
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Well said! I had a woman supervisor who once said "always listen to your gut!" She explained there were deep, visceral reactions happening that the brain may not be picking up on but the body, the gut, knows. It's part of survival skills. It's possible the gut could be wrong, but "rather safe than sorry" is an expression for a reason.
 
tralaiven said:
I had a similar situation with a neighbor who was a stay at home dad. It was too uncomfortable for me after one walk together with our kids. I straight up told him nicely that I was sorry but that I was very uncomfortable and I would not be able to maintain the friendship. It broke off all relationship with them and it was difficult because he was our neighbor. But truly I didn’t care because it felt weird and wrong…and what the heck! Things happen and I was not willing to put my marriage in jeopardy.

there are many ppl who would say I was too uptight but they can say on because I totally disagree and know I did the right thing.

best wishes to you!
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What you said helped me immensely because it helped me realize that my value as a person and my marriage are more important than worrying about hurting someone's feelings. Thank you.
 
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