Need Advice on Awkward Situation

ashaw

ashaw

Cathlete
I need some advice on how to handle a situation that is getting awkward and making me anxious.

So about a year ago, while out with my dog, I met a neighborhood handyman, Kevin, and we've been friendly when we see one another. When you walk at the same time every morning, you see the same people and I always say good morning to most people I see.

Last August when he had a job that was about to finish, I said hey, let's take a selfie together so I can remember you. He asked me to text it to him, which I did. And I went a few months without seeing him. After we took the selfie, when he would see me, he would give me a side hug (I had my dog's leash and poop bag in one hand) and a kiss on the cheek. I thought it was odd, but some of my husband's friends will give me a kiss on the cheek when they see me.

Then in January, I get a text from him wishing me happy new year. We texted back and forth, but nothing out of line. He is from Wales and went there for 3 weeks in February and texted me pictures from the pubs he went to and a rugby match he attended. Again, nothing out of line. I saw him Tuesday and he said he was going to be at a house around the corner from me on a 3 week job. I actually started getting nervous about seeing him in the morning because I don't know if what's going on is inappropriate. I'm married and I know he's married because he's talked about his wife teaches high school. I'd say he's in his late 50's.

When I saw him this morning and he did the hug and kiss on the cheek twice - when he saw me and when I left, he had on so much aftershave or cologne that I was terrified that my husband would smell it on me. When I petted my dog later on, even she smelled like it because he petted her when I saw him this morning. He texted me this afternoon to say have a good weekend.

In 2017, I made a huge mistake and had a short affair with my next door neighbor. The affair began with fun texts between neighbors. So, I'm on guard for any hint of things getting out of line. I have no attraction towards this man, he's just a neighborhood friend. But the situation is starting to make me uncomfortable. To the point that I'm trying to figure out how to slowly avoid him. The problem is the route I walk, I have to pass by the house he's working at to get to my house. I don't know if I should make up some story about my schedule has changed and I won't see you anymore. But I've been thinking about it most of the day and its starting to bother me. The only way I would tell my husband is if he got out of line, which he hasn't. I'm not good at dealing with stuff like this. Any advice is welcome and appreciated. I already have notifications turned off on his number, so his texts don't pop up on my phone screen. He doesn't know where I live because he's never done work on my street.
 
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In general, women are more uncomfortable setting boundaries because they're concerned about hurting someone's feelings or that person claiming they're wrong about things & making the woman feel even more awkward & uncomfortable. So we tend to take a more passive approach (blocking texts, altering our routes, etc) hoping the person will get the message & lose interest. You are entitled to live your life, walk where you want, greet who you want, etc. If you run into him again, avoid the hugs & kisses, & let him know this makes you uncomfortable. If he's a gentlemen, he'll understand, apologize & back off. If he's a creep to be avoided, it'll become clear & then you'll have more info to make your next decision. Hope it works out well for you.
 
I guess before I'd use the direct approach I use different methods. Especially since this isn't a critical relationship.

I'm not sure as to the frequency of the texts but at this point, I would ghost him. If he ever continues to text or get insistent, block the number.

For the walks when you're near, I'd just do mild unenthusiastic hand raise (or a head nod of acknowledgement) and keep walking. Force the pup to keep moving. No need to stop or have a conversation. He should get the hint. You don't need to continue your previous behavior or prolong the relationship on any level since you feel it's uncomfortable. It's not really possible to travel back to an easygoing exchange.

And talk to your husband about it. Share with him whatever your current approach is. Listen to whatever he says about what you can do to prevent this in the future. If you're like me then you're a friendly person and there's some lonely people out there who misinterpret friendliness for interest. So I have had to learn to curb my natural personality.

Best of luck whatever approach you take.
 
Thank you everyone for your kind words and wonderful advice. I swear I feel like I'm back in middle school or something. Debinmi is exactly right- I have the type of personality that tends to avoid conflicts and confrontations, I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings and I'd rather slowly vanish into obscurity than to deal with the situation. Hence, I was thinking of everything under the sun to avoid him and let things fizzle on their own. And I'm also like Lady Vol Fan, I'm a naturally friendly and outgoing person and that's gotten me into trouble before. I think also because of the mistake I made in the past, I'm hypersensitive over the whole thing now.

When we took the selfie back in August, I knew he was finishing a job (at the same house where he'll now be for the next 3 weeks), but I thought, OK, this is the last time I'll ever see this guy, and we had nice conversations, so I'd like to remember him, had I known I'd keep running into him, I wouldn't have done it. And I wasn't expecting him to want me to text him the picture. And the side hug and kiss on the cheek didn't start til after the selfie. As far as the frequency of texts, its a text from him once a week or so. I thought a lot of about the whole situation after I crushed Muscle Endurance and I realized that its really the texts, even though they're infrequent and not of any inappropriate natural that's making me uneasy. Instead of opting for my usual escape and avoidance behavior, I've decided when I see him Monday morning that I'll tell him that I don't think its appropriate if we keep texting because if my husband found out about it, he wouldn't be pleased by my actions. And then I can block his number. Now, I don't feel the crazy anxiety I've felt for 2 days. I need to be assertive which isn't my strength.
 
Yes, but if you do that, continue to be aware of everything when you & your doggie walks, and as we all should, all the time. He may apologize and be appreciative of your
honesty & feelings, and he may not….when he was on his trip and texted you from there,
was his wife in pictures he sent? Just be careful.
 
Listen to your feelings. If what he is doing is making you uncomfortable, then his behavior is already inappropriate. You are trying to make excuses, some of your husband's friends kiss you on the cheek, he is married, he is just being friendly. How do you think your husband would react if he came down the street at the exact moment this guy was giving you a side hug and a kiss on the cheek? Unlike your husband's friends, your husband doesn't know this guy. You said your last encounter left you and your dog smelling of aftershave or cologne and you were concerned about your husband smelling it on you. I don't know of too many handymen who wear heaps of aftershave/cologne while on the job. You said you were concerned about your husband finding out about the texts. The fact that you are trying to hide this "friendship" from your husband is a clear red flag that it is inappropriate.

I just read what your latest post and vivbc's post and I agree with vivbc. Don't put it on your husband's reaction. This gives him an opportunity to find another way to carry on the "friendship", like maybe following you and "accidentally" meeting in person. You risk it becoming a game to him. It is you who is being made to feel uncomfortable by his behavior.

I also suggest you talk to your husband about this. Maybe see if your husband can accompany you on a walk or two so this guy can see you together.

Unfortunately, as children, girls are taught to be nice, friendly, caring, accommodating, and we are not taught to be self-assured and assertive. In my early twenties, when I was at University, I was placed on an assertiveness course by my therapist, which was put on by the Psychology department at the University specifically for women. It was recognized that this was a skill we had to be taught. It was a group session over about 4 weeks with 10 of us. All women from all different backgrounds who all didn't know how to be assertive, we didn't even know what it meant. We practiced making firm, assertive statements, without getting drawn into giving explanations or excuses. I got a lot out of it, and I know the other women did too. I don't know if you have courses like this in your area but if so, you may like to consider attending one.
 
Thank you again everyone for all your wise words. You're right, I'm not going to say oh we shouldn't text anymore because my husband would be angry if he found out. I'm just going to be assertive and say that we shouldn't text anymore because its not appropriate. I don't feel this is something I need to tell my husband because I haven't done anything wrong. Now, if we had shared a long passionate kiss or lewd texts, that would be one thing. My husband has a very explosive temper and I guess you can say I'm hesitant to tell him because this wasn't like the mistake I made in 2017. Unlike then, I know that continuing to text this man isn't right and I'm stopping it now before it could go there. I'll deal with the side hugs and kisses on the cheek as well, but that's a little easier because once I draw the line on the texts, it means I just don't stop, linger and talk to him. My husband has even said, I know after what happened in 2017 that you know how to deal with a similar situation should it arise. I feel a lot better knowing that I'm going to take control of things before they get out of hand. I don't know what kind of relationship he has with his wife, but the texts I got from him when he was in Wales was all about which bars and pubs he was going to and beers and Guinness. I've been free from alcohol for 3 years in June, so drinking stuff doesn't interest me. I'm sure I'll be jittery Monday morning, but I feel better knowing I'm going to deal with this.
 
Ashaw, if it were me, I'd have my husband walk the dog with me for awhile. If the guy is just friendly, it won't bother him. If the guy is wanting more, hopefully seeing your husband will send a message. I understand your husband might be angry, so I don't know what you'd have to deal with if you told him. With my husband, I don't tell him if it's a one-time event that made me feel uncomfortable - I just handle it and move on. There's no use getting him upset. After that, though, I tell my husband. Yes, I have to de-escalate him a bit, but I'd rather have him temporarily upset about a situation than find out later and lose trust in me. My husband knows I'm friendly and that that can be misunderstood. He also knows I'm faithful and honest, so he's never blamed me for a guy pursuing me. He just starts making himself present so that the guy gets the message. Plus, from a safety standpoint, it's a good idea to avoid being alone with someone that you don't really know. I like to believe that most people are good, but I know that there are those few that are not. There's no way of knowing who's good and who's not. I have a male friend (of over 30 years) that is a good guy. When we first started being friends, he would sweep me off of my feet and give me a hug, set me back down, and kiss me on the cheek. I worried that I'd given him the wrong impression. The next time we ran in to each other, I made sure I had my husband with me. He did the same thing! My husband looked angry until the guy grabbed him in a big bear hug and thumped him on the back a few times before releasing him, leaving my husband looking confused. So, he ended up being a friend that's just very affectionate and my husband and I have gotten accustomed to his antics. If, however, he hadn't hugged me the day that my husband was with me... then, I wouldn't have been able to continue our friendship. I would have felt that he was wanting me to hide something from my husband. Other awkward situations did not result in friendships, but they were easily taken care of with my husband by my side. If at all possible, I would strongly suggest telling your husband. I can't imagine what he'd feel like if this guy showed up at your house.
 
IMO, it doesn't sound to me like he is married, I'm probably wrong.....I remember my 1st hubby used to tell me "Don't give up your day job, cause you'd suck as a detective" !! LOL ! Anyone can say they are married or not, and that their spouse is a teacher, doctor, retail worker, etc. and if you don't know them, you don't know either. The aftershave thing is kind of weird. especially if you never noticed it before. I guess I watch too much TV!
I don't know whether you should or should not inform you DH, but it sounds like this needs to be cut off now.
Do you know the people that live where he's working? Anyway, I wish you the best and I probably sound
like a "mother hen", but be careful!
 
I actually did detective work when I first met him and the things he's said check out. One time he was wearing a shirt with his company name and I Googled it and found a Facebook page with pictures of jobs he's done and him with his wife. After I found out a little more information, I found her name, Facebook, IG page and Linkedin page and she is a AP English teacher. He's mentioned being a manager of a concrete plant in Dubai, starting his handyman business in Arlington, TX and on her Linkedin page she mentions teaching in Houston, Arlington, Dubai and Wales. I don't know why he wears lot of aftershave, but I know when I first met him last year, he was at one particular house for over 4 months remodeling 4 bathrooms. The house he'll be at starting tomorrow he's been there before doing reverse osmosis water filters, toilet repairs, taking down and repainting and welding entrance gates and will be doing fencing and moving a bank of mailboxes as it is a gated complex of 4 houses. He drives a old Nissan Pathfinder SUV and I've seen 3 toolboxes and ladders in the back of the vehicle. I've even found his home address, wife is listed as owner of home and a Google street view of the house. Traffic in my area is horrible and he mentioned what part of town he drives in from and it adds up. I always investigate people I meet, I did the same thing when my husband and I met each other. I wanted to find out if what he was telling me was true or made up BS.

As far as my husband walking with me, it might not be possible because I'm always up before him to workout with Cathe and then walk the dog. And not to be TMI, but he has some morning bathroom issues that can keep him from walking the neighborhood.

I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in 3 days over this whole scenario because I know that tomorrow morning, I'm going to deal with it.
 
When I talk to him in the morning, I'm gonna pretend that all my fellow Cathletes are right there with me, cheering me on!

Oh and as for have I met the owner of the house where he's working, I have said hello to a lady who lives in the complex. My street and the next street over where he did the months long bathroom job is comprised mainly of gated complexes of 4-6 townhouses or patio homes, with tiny courtyards, no back yards and some have small splash pools. So, most of us who have larger dogs, walk them regularly because we don't have a backyard for them to go out in.

I wanted to thank everyone again because had I just held this in, thinking about the whole weekend, I probably wouldn't have come to the conclusion to cut off the texting. If I had done things my usual way, I would have just avoided him but not dealt with the texting which would've still been an open channel of communication.
 
I can't thank you all enough for your support and advice on this. And I feel so much better knowing that I'm going to take control of this situation. After I thought about it some more, I realized that the reason the texts were bothering me is because when I made the mistake with my neighbor in 2017, the texts were the gateway for the affair because although I'd known this guy as a neighbor for 7 years, it was during the texting that we grew closer and developed the attraction to the person behind the messages. And, there is no reason for me and this man to communicate on a semi regular basis. And I don’t want a prolonged secret friendship. OK, I see him in the neighborhood, fine, but to get into chatting by text on a regular basis can lead to trouble as I know. You open up to someone, eventually you gripe about your spouse and it can go "there". If he was a deranged lunatic who was going to pull me in a house and try to rape me, that would've happened by now, but if he's slowly testing the waters to see how far I would go, texting opens the door for that. And I'm not going there again. Also, when he was in Wales and The Hague for 3 weeks, would he have texted me had his wife been there also? I doubt a school teacher can take a 3 week vacation during the school year as they get so much other time off.

So tomorrow starts my first time ever with CTX, kicking off with Leaner Legs and afterwards I will deal with the Kevin situation.
 
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Hazlady said:
....Unfortunately, as children, girls are taught to be nice, friendly, caring, accommodating, and we are not taught to be self-assured and assertive. In my early twenties, when I was at University, I was placed on an assertiveness course by my therapist, which was put on by the Psychology department at the University specifically for women. It was recognized that this was a skill we had to be taught. It was a group session over about 4 weeks with 10 of us. All women from all different backgrounds who all didn't know how to be assertive, we didn't even know what it meant. We practiced making firm, assertive statements, without getting drawn into giving explanations or excuses. I got a lot out of it, and I know the other women did too. I don't know if you have courses like this in your area but if so, you may like to consider attending one.
Click to expand...
I love that you took this course & mentioned it. When I was in grad school, I was going to facilitate a group on anger management & part of the training was assertiveness training. Unfortunately not many have the skills & this can lead to "crazy" anger acting out when people haven't been able effectively be assertiveness so they go to the extreme of damaging anger behavior. So I encourage everyone to learn some basic assertiveness skills - they don't always work with some people so it's good to recognize that too in order to avoid dangerous people as aqua girl is pointing out (-it's when some passivity/avoidance may be necessary).
 
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