My DH's secret Myspace account

Clarissa -

I wasn't going to post until I read your comment about your children not knowing whether their father was going to be happy or grumpy.

Your DH sounds a lot like my father. He was handsome, charming, funny, but when he was angry/upset, he was a totally different person. He never struck us, but he'd break what few toys we had. It was horrible to watch.

My brothers and I walked on egg-shells all of our young lives because we never knew what would set our father off.

As adults, we still struggle with our childhood trauma, and we are very angry with our mother for choosing to stay with him. I wish she'd been a stronger woman because she basically sacrificed her children by staying with such an unstable man.
 
>Ugh, this is all so awful. Makes me never want to get
>married. :( My kitty cats are much better companions......
>
>Allison
>
>http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90

Don't despair! It is possible to have a great DH AND kitties :)

Clarissa, first of all <<hugs>> to you. :)

Second, my only comment is, I know you love your DH but in all honesty, does that matter at this point? I don't mean this in a flip way AT ALL, but love is supposed to be the thing that makes you smile when you hear your partner's key in the door at night, not the thing that keeps you trapped in a detrimental and deteriorating situation.

You guys may eventually be able to work things out but in the meantime, I think you need to commit to some sort of action. You're a beautiful and accomplished woman - I know you will make the right choices for you and your kids. :) Just my two cents!

Sparrow

Even after all this time the earth never says to the sun, "you owe me." Look what happens with a love like that.

It lights the whole sky.

- Hafiz
 
He needs help and you need help. I agree you need consouling first and then together. If he won't go leave. I'm not saying divorce him but pack your bags and the kids and go. Or if its eaiser pack his bags and have them waiting in the yard one day. Make sure you change the locks too. Let him live on his on and let him hit rock bottom. Sometimes you have to get as low as you can go before you relize that you need help. Maybe that is what he needs.

I've been praying for you and I will keep praying for you.

Farrah
 
>I do love him. Really I do.
>He is a very strange and insecure person - I was so able to
>relate to the post the other day about the husband whose moods
>were all over the place and she was getting strange looks from
>him, etc. That is how my DH is. SOmetimes, he is so kind,
>sweet and romantic. He is extremely intelligent, was in the
>special forces and speaks and translates fluent Russian.
>Furthermore, he writes very deep and wonderful poetry and is
>trying to publish the book of poetry in Russian. We workout
>together everyday - he does Cathe with me! But when he is
>mean, he is REALLY REALLY MEAN and NASTY. He is a very moody
>Cancer (no offense here to Cancers) and he turns on you so
>fast.

Clarissa,

I read your posts and my heart just goes out to you. It sounds like you are a prisoner in your own life. However, it also sounds like you're giving him too much credit -- to the point where you're excusing his behavior somewhat based on his horoscope sign. This goes far beyond being a "moody Cancer," and I say this gently, but I think you have to recognize that abuse trumps everything. It makes any good qualities irrelevant. Your children should not have to grow up like this, and I fear for the irreparable damage it will do if you stay. But I get the sense from your posts that you feel stuck, like you have no options but to put up with this. I think you've gotten great advice and hope you follow up with the military support services available to you. There *is* a way out, you *are* strong enough to make it on your own, and you definitely have us for support & friendship.

(((HUGS))),
Cathy
 
I am NOT being dramatic here:

This history and behavior is what you read about in the newspaper, after the husband has killed his children, wife, and possibly himself.

Please, get out, get help.
 
Thank you all again. I really have a lot to think about. Last night was a bad night at our house. I REALLLLLLLY need to think about things. Thank you all for truly caring so so much.

Clarissa
 
Clarissa, I have nothing to add in terms of advice - you've already received tremendous amounts of support and advice from many wise and thoughtful folks here.

When I was trying to figure out if I really needed to leave my DX I found Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay very helpful.

Sounds like you are pretty clearly in the Too Bad to Stay arena but sometimes it helps to have another viewpoint offered to crystallize your thinking.

It's never going to be as black and white as we'd like. The confusion and heartache are normal.

Take care of yourself, your little angels, and your puppy. We are all here for you.
 
Clarissa...I just want to send you tons of thoughts and prayers! I am so sorry you are going through all of this! Please take care of yourself and your little ones!
 
Okay, I got to reply #18 and deciede to stop there and write. Not that I don't care what the rest say but the entire time I am sitting here thinking HUH!?

Girl, you are gorgeous! I'm not here a lot these days but from your posts that I head read, I can tell that you are also intelligent, dedicated and caring. Those factors don't always compute and sometimes we still habe self esteem issues, I understand that. But first, tkae a god look and realize that you are a catch and you deserve the upmost of love, honesty and respect.

I feel and have always felt that honesty and forthright behavior is the most important thing in a relationship. While he may need his own space and own thing, it seems like he has made effort to be sure tha tyou are not involved in this place. That bugs me a little. Coudl it be innocent? Sure. Coudl it not be? Unfortunately, Yes.

That said, you saw it and you don't like what you saw. It's time to talk and find a mutually agreeable solution
 
Hi Christine, I know this is a really long thread, but if you stopped at reply #18, there's a LOT that came out after that point that doesn't have to do with the myspace account. Just thought you might want to know where all the posters were coming from. (As often happens, there's more to the story.)

Jonahnah
Chocolate IS the answer, regardless of the question.
 
Clarissa,
I married young, right out of highschool, and had 2 children right away. Always took care of them, worked, immaculate house, cooked well, and tried to be everything for my husband. He was so much like yours. I loved loved loved him....for 12 years, but the last 2 were so hard. I went to nursing school and found out I was really attractive, (he did his best to make me feel I was not-afraid I'd find someone else0 intelligent, and was not getting any younger. I always though if I did something better or changed myself HE would finally be happy. When I left him it was the best thing I EVER have done in my life so far. My children even admit that. He is still the same miserable person, with another failed marriage. I am a respected CCU RN, mother with grown children,wife of a super man who loves spoils me rotten, trusts me, and is my best friend!!

I have been in your shoes, and it was sooo hard for me to leave him. A part of me will always love him, the way I knew him years ago before we got married and it all started going haywire. But, you have to take responsibility for your own happiness, and your children;s. It is worse for them to grow up seeing his treatment of you and them. Believe me, once you make the break and get away you will be so relieved. It takes time to work through the emotions, and I still think about it and have dreams some times, but my life is SO GOOD now!!

Please listen to all of our encouragement to leave. No one is going to take care of you and make you happy, except yourself. Once that happens you will find someone, your equal, to share life with.

Please don't keep falling for his sweetness (yes I understand that cycle of him being mean, and then the making up and him being so sweet you think it has changed, then it happens again, you walk around on eggshells...)

If you ever need to vent, or support, you have all of us friends here on this site!!

Hugs and prayers for you and the children!
Lynn
 
Clarissa,

I have read through all of your postings and it is very sad and causes all of us to be very concerned for you.

I work at a non-profit agency and we work with victims of domestic violence as well as sexual assault. I don't know where you live but there is help available. Abuse is not only physical hitting but it is emotional, verbal, controling behavior and intimidation tactics. I know at the agency where I work we have a an emergency shelter for woman and their children, transitional housing and we provide services to get you somewhere safe (with a safety plan) if you have family who could help you out too. I know all of our services are FREE and we even provide services for counseling.

From working where I do I see everyday the type of story you are sharing and I only would want safety for you and your children - you deserve so much more.

If you were interested I am sure I can look to get info for you for services in your area.
 
Clarissa,

I'm a little late getting in on this thread, but I just wanted to wish you luck. You've gotten some great advice from your friends here on the forum - people that truly care. I don't have much more to add except that I hope you gain the courage to get out of this horrible situation. It's a lot easier said than done, but it will be worth it in the end.

Melissa

P.S. Happy belated birthday! Mine is the 30th which makes us both Aries. Some of Aries' good traits are being courageous and confident. And Aries are supposed to be lovers of freedom, so break free from your husband's control!
 
I know this thread is a few days old but I felt compelled to post. I'm recently divorced for a lot of reasons that are similar to your situation...Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde behavior - when he was happy you couldn't meet a nicer guy, when he wasn't happy nobody was happy, lots of verbal abuse and insults, lying to me and then turning it around on me as to how I was just paranoid & insecure, a secret myspace account, sneaking around and lying to meet his friend that he was having an emotional and possibly physical affair with. The emotional abuse was really quite subtle and it wasn't until after I left that I really realized how much of what he did was emotionally abusive.

I have 2 book recommendations for you.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
by Lundy Bancroft (This one was really helpful! It explains why some men act like this and why they are not likely to change)

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans

I know you probably can't have these books in the house but I found them both at Barnes and Noble and was able to skim them there for the useful parts.

You are the only person who can decide if your situation is one that warrants leaving.

I will say I didn't realize just how unhappy I was until after I left. For my ex, nothing I did was ever good enough so I spent all my time either trying & trying to do stuff that he would be happy with or just avoiding doing things completely because it wasn't going to be good enough so what was the point. It's a wonderful feeling to not have to hear negative putdowns and comments on a regular basis and to not have to worry about what kind of mood he will come home in. I still have to deal with him because of the kids, but it's a ton better and we mostly only talk about the kids.

I'm sorry you're going through this situation. I know how miserable it can be. I will pray for you and your family.
 
Hi, how do you locate the secret account? I know my bf has an account. I did a search and can't find his name that he uses. I have seen him with downloaded pictures supposidly from myspace of his female friends.

I told him that it's not respectful to me to have female friends pictures on my computer.

I hope you don't mind me asking.

I am hoping he does not find me on this link. I have seen him search for me on the web, somehow finds out were I have been, like the site I like to go to for diet information.

Any advice for finding out his activities?

Thanks.:(
 
I know nothing about myspace, but as for web history, you click on the yellow star at the top left of the screen (for windows - don't know about mac), and you can view the history by day, week, etc of all websites viewed. This can be erased if you choose too - it's a bummer, though, if you want to go back through and find something... However, if you want privacy and share the computer, deleting the browsing history can easily be done.
 
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