Mom's what would you do if.....

janie1234

janie1234

Cathlete
I really need some opinions on this. Are there any other people out here who are just shy and somewhat anti social? I hate, hate, hate, . . . .and let me say hate socializing. I always freak out for several reasons. First not a single one of the mom's that I know are health nuts. No one excersizes and they are ALL over weight, . . and I mean overweight. Whenever I talk about excersize they just boo hoo me and act like I'm not there. None of them care about what their kids eat. These kids come over for play dates and wonder why I don't have Cheetos, candy, or soda AND they complain about it. They let their kids play video games and watch TV as long as they want and they don't care if it is PG 13 or rated R. I mean I have nothing in common with these mom's other than we have kids that go to the same school. Second and this is what really bugs me, . . all they ever want to do is gossip about other mom's and it bugs me because I don't have a beef with anyone, . . including the mom's who parental style clash with mine. I just say heck to each his/her own. I hate the gossip. HATE IT. The thing is I keep getting invited to play dates and dinner with these people. How do I politely turn them down without saying, . . . hmmm. One I'm anti social and I like to spend quite time with my family when I'm off and 2 I can't stand getting together with people so that you can gossip and say mean things. Is it rude to turn people down for such things? Do I suck it up and go, . . if I do I just make myself an open invitation to having to do it again. Does anyone have this problem?
 
I do believe we were twins that were seperated at birth! Give me my brain back!

I, for the same reason as you, have a VERY limited social calander....Can't stand "fake" people, people that gossip, people that complain about their weight/what shape they're in and have a house full of junk food...

Still haven't been able to come up with a reason that's polite, not lying and reasonable to get out of those types of social engagements without saying "I don't like you and don't want to go!" (enter foot stomp and 5 year old tantrum)! Needless to say, haven't tried that approach, don't think it would go over very well!

MJ in MN
 
I only want to say that by accepting and going to these social events doesn't it kind of make you just like them in a way? (I'm not trying to be mean or anything) It just occurs to me that you're doing something that you don't want to do and spending time with people you're just going to complain about at home or to us! This is all okay, especially since you're trying to figure out what to do!

I don't really think that makes you anti-social, just someone who hasn't found anyone you enjoy being around who you have something in common with! I know it's hard. Being a military brat made life extremely difficult! Always an outsider, it was hard to make friends or make others understand how you interact, etc.

I would start finding family things to do in the evenings so you have a real excuse to beg off of these horrible outings! I, too, don't care much for socializing, but only with people I don't know. I'm not that outgoing and can't make small talk very well.

People think I'm weird because I practice Reiki, reflexology, work with crystals, follow a clean eating lifestyle, exercise faithfully, etc.

Anyway, I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I can relate and sympathize with your situation. Unfortunately, other than finding better things to do with your time (with your family), I can't think of any way to beg off without giving them something else to talk about! Unless, you're like me and just don't care what people think or say about you!

Good luck!
 
martijean1 said:
Still haven't been able to come up with a reason that's polite, not lying and reasonable to get out of those types of social engagements without saying "I don't like you and don't want to go!" (enter foot stomp and 5 year old tantrum)! Needless to say, haven't tried that approach, don't think it would go over very well!

MJ in MN
Click to expand...

Ugh, . . and that IS what I needed an excuse. Thanks though. I am glad I'm not the only one out there like this. :)
 
I only want to say that by accepting and going to these social events doesn't it kind of make you just like them in a way? (I'm not trying to be mean or anything) It just occurs to me that you're doing something that you don't want to do and spending time with people you're just going to complain about at home or to us! This is all okay, especially since you're trying to figure out what to do!

This is the problem I don't go to the social events but I'm running out of excuses.:(

`I don't really think that makes you anti-social, just someone who hasn't found anyone you enjoy being around who you have something in common with! I know it's hard. Being a military brat made life extremely difficult! Always an outsider, it was hard to make friends or make others understand how you interact, etc.

I was a military brat too.

I would start finding family things to do in the evenings so you have a real excuse to beg off of these horrible outings! I, too, don't care much for socializing, but only with people I don't know. I'm not that outgoing and can't make small talk very well.

`Oh my I think this IS the answer!

People think I'm weird because I practice Reiki, reflexology, work with crystals, follow a clean eating lifestyle, exercise faithfully, etc.

`People TOTALY think I'm weird because I'm always making excuses and I don't bait into the gossip stuff. I refuse to say anything bad about anyone.

Unless, you're like me and just don't care what people think or say about you!

`I'm trying to get there. I know I shouldn't care but I tend to overthink things ALOT. :(
 
How old are your children??

I completely sympathize, boy oh boy, I could have written your post.

I have learned it is best to suck it up for the sake of your children's social life (unless they detest these children too). Soon enough there will be a time when you will no longer be invited to these things, and the kids will go on their own.

Strategies that work: go armed with a handful of conversation starters and topic changers. Make sure to find a sincere way to praise the hostess. Always thank the hostess for inviting you and when you leave make sure to say good bye to each of the adults, and say something positive about the event. If I behave as if I like everyone, then it makes the whole event more friendly (and tolerable.) Oh - and I actually call people on the 'gossip about the person not in the room' behavior. The ladies in my community know I don't trade in gossip, so they tend not to do around me any longer.

HTH:D
 
Hey

I think I live the same situation! Both my husband and i grew up on farms and when we moved to a subdivision and had kids we were in for a shock. Parenting styles, what foods you allow your kids to have and what kind of behaviour that you expect from your kids can really be an eye opener. Our next door neighbour was actually the worst of the bunch. I can remember her telling me that Coyote Ugly was her 3 year olds favorite movie as she was going out to rent the Wedding Crashers for her 7 year old son. What do you say to that. Long story short, we moved to the country. The town that we moved still has still has some of the same elements but we don't have to see it everyday and I have met some people who are a little more like me. You know sometimes I think that the best solution is saying that you can't go but not necessarily giving an excuse. i guess we make play dates but I tend to invite the kids to my house. It's really tricky hopefully you will find someone who is more you and then you can have an alternative!
Good luck
Heather
 
Janis said:
How old are your children??

I completely sympathize, boy oh boy, I could have written your post.

I have learned it is best to suck it up for the sake of your children's social life (unless they detest these children too). Soon enough there will be a time when you will no longer be invited to these things, and the kids will go on their own.

Strategies that work: go armed with a handful of conversation starters and topic changers. Make sure to find a sincere way to praise the hostess. Always thank the hostess for inviting you and when you leave make sure to say good bye to each of the adults, and say something positive about the event. If I behave as if I like everyone, then it makes the whole event more friendly (and tolerable.) Oh - and I actually call people on the 'gossip about the person not in the room' behavior. The ladies in my community know I don't trade in gossip, so they tend not to do around me any longer.

HTH:D
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Janis, you are so tactful and thoughtful! I could never have come up with any of that to save my life! This is why I try to either stay away from social events, or try to just smile a lot, but not open my mouth! I'm more likely to say something wrong and stick my foot in my mouth when I join in on conversations!
 
Well, MJ, Sysygy, Janis, Heather, . . thank you all. I'm trying. I get so nervous about making conversation. I mean I CAN do it if I HAVE to but it is soooo exhausting. MENTALLY EXHAUSTING! I'd much rather do Imax 2, and Imax 3 back to back than go to a social event and again it seems like the worst of it is trying to get baited into saying something bad about someone. I HATE GOSSIP. You ladies are wonderful thanks for making me feel like I am not the only one out there. It helps. By the way my kids are 7 and 9 and are very impressionable, . . I don't think this gets easier the older they get. My hope is that they don't get picked on for having healthy lunches, an active lifestyle, no soda and a crazy mom who isn't like everyone else. Who woulda thought that was not fashionable???? Oh well. :)
 
You might want to look into Myers Briggs Personality indicator. Basically there are 4 different dimensions of personality and 1 of these dimensions is Extrovert - those who get energy from being around people and Introverts- those who get their physical energy from being alone and thinking. As an extrovert, I get exhausted without having personal contact and conversation with others throughout the day. My house is noisy all the time, usually lots of kids over, music on, and I am usually talking on the phone. It sounds like my house would put a number of the introverts on this board in a "home!!"

All of the dimensions of personality are on continuims (sp??), so not all extroverts are extroverted in the same way and not all introverts introvert in the same way.

So my 4 letters in Myers Briggs are ENTJ, I get my energy from being around people, I am future driven, I make decisions based on a "score sheet" and don't take personal feelings into account, I am very time oriented.

So in the end, it is really important to understand all people are truly distinct within themselves, and it is very important to get comfortable in your personality style. Here is a link to find out about your personality type. Try the Advanced Jung test to get your 4 letter type.

http://similarminds.com/personality_tests.html
 
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I think if my kids really liked these friends, then I'd suck it up and socialize right along with them, hoping I'd get lucky and find some kind of connection with one or more of the parents.

I can relate to feeling uncomfortable with people whose parenting styles are very different from your own though. And of course, feeling uncomfortable when you have little in common with someone ~ you can't help but think, "I should be home reading my favorite book!"

I'm one of the odd ones out in one of our communities, but in my case, I don't even get invited and neither do my children. That's a bummer too. I wish I had some of you ladies on my block. :)
 
I've lived in *social* neighborhoods for the past 20 years and I can't handle the basket, candle, cookware parties you inevitably are invited to because of your children's playmates. I'm not anti-social, I'm just not interested in that sort of stuff and don't want to spend my money on it. My problem has also been the snide comments about the bruises and cuts on my arms and legs from mountain biking. The best remark to date was: "you'd look good if put some makeup on every now and then". Wtf...

Life is short, I stopped the invitations by consistently saying I've got a group ride I'm attending, sorry. Eventually I'm crossed off the list, do I care...nada! My kids haven't been damaged either, for what its worth.
 
Dont feel bad!

Hi! I agree with you. I am a member at a martial arts training center, my instructors have gatherings and things where fattening food is involved- and snack time after baseball games! Forget about it! Mothers tend to bring chips, cookies, juice boxes and other junk for team snacks. It is sickening to me to think of giving my kids garbage after an hour of playing sports! I don't want my children to eat junk so I don't let them. When snacks are passed out we politely say no thanks! The kids understand, and are very involved in their nutrition (7 and 10 years old) we always eat before we go to functions where foods are layed out if we must go, so they are not hungry, and being kids that they are, they are going to want to munch on things when we get there so I pack fresh fruits, whole wheat crackers with natural peanut butter, etc. and make sure I take spare Nalgene bottles with us. Other people think I am too picky, but the way my kids behave in comparison to other kids is like night and day! I say, go if you must, but BYOS (snacks), after all you are responsible for your kids well being and they deserve to be healthy too. There are plenty of negative influences on our children's health, but like anything else that is bad for them, if we teach them the right way and give them a fighting chance, they will prevail!
 
Life is too short. I dont get together with people whose attitudes bother me. I smile politely and say "No, thank you." if I am invited. I dont even make an excuse. I feel no guilt whatsovever if this is anti-social.

I dont have kids, so that makes it easier for me.
 
In general, I'm a very sociable, outgoing person. However, when I go back to my home province and visit my mom, it drives me absolutely crazy that all she and her friends do is talk about how out of shape they are and the diet they are on. And the last time I visited was a few years ago and I was 110lbs heavier than I am now, so when I go back to visit this Christmas, I'm pretty sure it will be hell on earth; although I've been this weight for a couple of years now, they aren't used to seeing me this way and will talk about NOTHING else. Guaranteed. And there is no more boring topic than weight loss, if I can't talk about exercise- and believe me, I can't, with this crowd. My mom considers getting the mail from the mailbox to be a workout.
 
bundschuh said:
You might want to look into Myers Briggs Personality indicator. Basically there are 4 different dimensions of personality and 1 of these dimensions is Extrovert - those who get energy from being around people
Click to expand...

This is me, most of the time, but I need my alone time too. I really do pick up actual energy from being with and talking to people. I remember once working with a very strong introvert, and it was a difficult situation, as we really didn't work together well most of the time (she was a tad crazy too, and it just didn't mix well with my own brand of craziness).
 
janie1234 said:
By the way my kids are 7 and 9 and are very impressionable, . . I don't think this gets easier the older they get. My hope is that they don't get picked on for having healthy lunches, an active lifestyle, no soda and a crazy mom who isn't like everyone else. Who woulda thought that was not fashionable???? Oh well. :)
Click to expand...


Re: playdates: 7 & 9 yo kids are well past the point where the moms have to accompany them to their friends home UNLESS you are uncomfortable w/ the supervision of the adults. It sounds like these women use the kids getting together as an excuse for their own playdate!

I understand how it is to be the odd man out--we moved into a neighborhood from out of state 9 years ago and the initial friends we made here dropped us w/o ANY explanation about 3 years ago. It was pretty painful and embarrassing for awhile, but life is too short to hold grudges. Besides, I firmly believe in karma and I've seen several of them get their karma payback since them w/o me wasting energy or thought on "getting even."

You said your kids are pretty impressionable. If you don't like the children they are playing w/ in this social circle, you may want to slowly limit their contact anyway. Team sports, music lessons, practice, volunteer opportunities, scouting groups, whatever, can open new friendships for them--hopefully among kids w/ behavior that you like and potentially among moms that you have more in common with.

My kids are 13 & 11 yo, in middle school now. As kids get older, the parent interaction drops considerably. I'm friendly w/ all the parents that my kids hang w/, but I don't socialize w/ most of them and it's not expected at this age.

Lastly, are there any fitness classes or non-chain health food stores in your area, where you can encounter other women who LIKE to exercise & eat healthfully? Good luck!
 
I'm so lucky! None of my friends are anything like yours. At least 1/2 of mine are exercise minded. :D And 80% are family focused. Another 75% are what I'd consider "Godly". These are the most important tributes I look for in friends,...and I'm so fortunate!!!!

It hasn't always been that way though. I spent 15 years in a "snobby" community where I had 1-2 good friends. I was lonely alot. We moved almost 2 years ago & I have more friends here then I had in a community that I lived in for FIFTEEN years...

I hope you can find some girlie connections where you are at.
 
You're right. They're wrong. And they sound A LOT like the crazy co-workers who force me to keep my ear buds planted in my ears. I don't know where I heard or read this but I recently came across this statement: "You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with." You do not want to become the sum of those nuts, do you? Have as little to do with them as possible and continue doing right by yourself and your family.

Just because there's more of them than you doesn't make them right.
 
I have been dealing with the opposite. My group of friends (including the husbands) have recently gotten very fitness minded. We work out together several times a week (not all of us at the same time). We have all lost friends as a result. There are nasty rumors about some of us out there (that we have heard about, of course) :( People are jealous, I think?? It is pretty sad :( I am sure that it is someone we know who has started the rumors, too, which makes it hard to trust people.

We just have to rise above and keep ourselves healthy (mind and body). Our kids are happy and that is what counts, too. People are strange!
Jenn
 
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