I need opinions, very torn right now...

Clarissa

Clarissa

Cathlete
Hi. Just got off the phone with my lovely, opinionated, always-unsolicited-advice-giving mother. If you all agree about the following, please tell me. But the way she said it just breaks me.

I am having a baby boy in mid- March 09. We had decided on a name: Luke Daniel, just the other day. We are very excited. It is not a family name, but we liked it. My sister is fostering a boy, whom she hopes to adopt maybe if the system permits, and his name is Lucas and he is 5. My mother just called and ripped me a new one that I am being inconsiderate and of ALL the names in the world, how dumb of me to pick that name. And she said she didnt' even like it. Now understand, she doesn't rule me, but does and always has influenced everything I do. I gave her a list of about 20 names a month ago and she didn't like ONE, not ONE. Not ONE! She responded to my email saying: "gay", "really gay", "prickish", "this ones a dud", "you're kidding, right?" and etc.

Please help me, I am in tears. I already had asked my sister if it was okay and she laughed and said don't be silly, since the names are not the same, actually. Different roots and everything, mine being biblical... Thanks.
:(
 
I know this might sound harsh, and I really don't want it to, 'cause I think you're an amazing chick, BUT, if you're old enough to be married and have children of your own, you're old enough not to care what your mother thinks about a decision that is clearly personal and should be only yours and your husband's.

I'm always hearing people go on and on about what their families think about where they live, who they marry, what they feed their kids, etc. I guess independence came easy to me and not early enough! Our parents will only treat us like that if we allow them to. Think of it this way: would you ever want to make your own kids feel the way your mom has made you feel?

AND, I love the name! (not that it matters, though, right?) Congrats!
 
Your mother is completely off-base here, and from what I'm reading of your email, not the kindest person in the world either. Stick with the name you chose, YOU are the mother of that child, and your mother gets no vote.

And now, for some unsolicited, but very well-meaning advice :) What you wrote here is pretty disturbing, in the context of your post:

Clarissa said:
.....Now understand, she doesn't rule me, but does and always has influenced everything I do.
Click to expand...

Because, she *is* ruling you, and your emotions. You said yourself, you are in tears. Why?? What she said is mean and spiteful, why would you care so much about the opinion of someone that could say such things? Why did you give her the names to choose or comment on? What were you expecting from her, and why were you expecting it? Believe me, I have a difficult mother, never happy with anything, always complaining. Ten years ago, if she had acted like your Mother just did, I would have been in tears too. Now, I ignore it. I "broke the apron strings' expecting my Mother to act like a real Mom would. She isn't a positive influence in my life, so there is an emotional brick wall that I put up, so now she can say all the things she wants but it doesn't hurt me anymore. It just bounces right off. And I gotta tell you, it's very freeing! :)

And I'm going out on a limb here to say: I think your husband would be very grateful and appreciative to have you break the roller-coaster and time you devote to what your Mom thinks. It's taking away time and energy that you should be devoting to HIM and your child. That's not not fair to either of them, and you'll be much happier if you distance yourself from what she thinks.
 
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One Buff Mom and TeTe are right. Since your sister doesn't mind a nephew with a similar name to her son, who cares. It is your child, not your mom's. I agree, it's a lovely name.
 
Clarissa,

Luke Daniels is a nice name. I like short, crisp names like Luke for males. It is cute when they are kids, and sounds professional / "in-charge" when they grow up.

Luke is not similar to Lucas and even if it is, I dont see anything wrong with that. Luke and Lucas the cousins seems cute to me.

If you sister does not mind, then your mother's worries were uncalled for.

Your mother probably did not mean to upset you. A grandchild is something I have seen people get more excited and eager to "get things pefect" about than having their own children so she might not have realized she is over-reacting in her conversation with you.

Your mum will most likely learn to accept the name.

Meanwhile enjoy being a mother to be and dont let an experience like this take away from the special-ness of these moments.
 
Tell your mom you appreciate her opinnion but that you have decided to keep the name. Tell her that your sister is absolutely fine with it so you are keeping it. Your mom will get over it. It's not her child. Congratulations!!!! :)
 
What's wrong with Luke Daniel? I like both names - so there you go, you can use them both now that I approve right?

As for the other Luke - he'll be tickled to have a namesake and it will make him feel important in the family...

Tell Mom, in a fun way, that you want a gay, really gay son and that this name is the one that works for you....lol, mothers, and having a 17 year old, I sense I'm not much different from your mom ;my daughter shared her dreams of naming a future son, "Chester" to which I snorted that it sounded like a horse or gerbil name......

Go for it, and forgive her, she can't help herself,...you'll understand one day!
 
I've liked the name Charlie for years but never had the nerve to actually suggest it to my DH. I'm sure I'd get laughed right out the door by him as well as others...including my mom!:p

I happen to be okay with that but that doesn't mean that you have to accept another's opinnion and change the name you've chosen.
 
Your child's name is a choice between you and your husband and no one else.....

They don't like it oh well....your Mom will get over it.

I have to agree with the other post that I have read though....YOU need to break the habit with how your Mom influences your life..... If you want it to stop it probably will not because some Mom don't know when to butt out but you can make an effort not to let it bother you and chuck it up to "thats Mom". And I know that is easier said than done but you need to find that place within you.

Good luck....

Therese

PS....LOVE the name....both my kids have biblical names as well.
 
She even tells me how to vote... "if you vote for Obama, I'll disown you, haha", "you will ruin your childrens' future if you vote for that man". UGH. She is so frustrating.

So, here is the latest, my sister just called me and apparently she has now changed her mind. SHe talked to my mom after my mom talked to me (big surprise) and now she said it upsets her for when they grow up, because they might nickname her Lucas, "Luke". So, Thanks mom. Thanks a million. My husband is furious with me for yet again letting her influence my sister and me, but I am sorry, I have to come up with a different name. I can't offend my sister. I know she didn't name her boy Lucas, but if she is upset, then I just can't do it . Hope this makes sense. Thanks again.
 
I agree with Teresa on this. Do you also want her micromanaging you are you raise your little guy? Probably not. Best to send the right message now. And btw, congratulations. :)
 
Congrats on the little one! Name him whatever you choose. It's your decision!!! Luke Daniel is a GREAT name. :)
 
I love the name Luke! We never told the names we chose until the baby was born, and then we introduced him. We've had three boys, and we did this each time. We didn't want any odd comments or critiques, and people tend to not say much when the child is already here. That's even more rude. We chose names that are not very common today for children; we like old-fashioned names. Oliver, Henry and Charlie. In fact, we knew that my in-laws probably wouldn't like Charlie (because of someone they know/dislike named Charles), but we chose it anyway because we loved it.

Your child's name is the first gift you give him/her. It is something very special. VERY special. So make sure it comes from YOUR heart and isn't influenced by those around you. You know because you are already a mother, but you will be calling this little person by their name forever, and you want it to be a name you adore. You know???

Now pick a name and don't tell anyone until your little guy is here!! :)
 
Sorry to hear that your mom has now convinced your sister to change her mind. I was going to say that if your sis is okay with it, go ahead and use the name. (I like the name too, BTW.) But I suppose it's not worth it to alienate your sister too. Sigh.

We had similar problems with my MIL and names. And when we tried to avoid the problem by not telling anyone the name we'd chosen, she threw such a hissy fit you would have thought SHE was the baby. She said it was fine if we didn't tell anyone else, but we had to tell HER, because of all the bad things that have happened to her in her life. (Don't get me started on that.) That was child #2.

With #3, not a day went by that she didn't suggest various names that would come to her in the middle of the night. One of them was Sally Mae. Sorry, I don't think I can name my child after the federal student loan program. She gave us a hard time about the name we did choose because apparently she had once known someone by that name who was mean and smelled bad!!! But we ignored her, and now of course she only associates that name with our beautiful child who loves her.

So I would suggest leaving her in the dark as to your name choices if you can. It's not her place to name your child, and once the baby is born, hopefully she will be so happy and be so filled with love for him that it won't matter what he is named. ((((Hugs)))) to you and best of luck with everything!

edit: And DON'T tell her who you vote for! (or lie if you have to!)
 
"My sister is fostering a boy, whom she hopes to adopt maybe if the system permits"

So, it's not even definite? (not that I don't hope that they get custody of him). Also, how often do you see your sister?

I have two young relatives who were both due at about the same time. Cousin 1 made the mistake of telling Cousin 2 what she was naming her daughter. Well, Cousin 2 had her baby first and gave her kid the name that Cousin 1 had chosen. Cousin 1 gave her kid a different, yet very similar, name. Now, these two see each other maybe four times a year...what difference would it have made if their kids had the same first name? Their last names are different and they rarely see each other.

Please, name your child what you want to name him. But, like others have suggested, just tell people you have a name picked out and they'll know it when the little sweetie gets here!

Oh, and if your mother criticizes your child's name as being "too gay" again, I think you should reply, "So, if your grandchild does turn out to be gay, does that mean you won't be able to love him?"
 
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My family is Italian and I have about 6 relatives named Tony. I'm not kidding. :p

ETA that whatever name you choose is between you and your DH. And what if your DS doesn't get permanent custody of her foster child? Also, why on earth would she change her foster child's first name?
 
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Precisely the reason that we didn't tell anyone what we were naming DS, not even our parents. No hints, nothing. I didn't even give people a short list. I didn't need, nor want, anyone's commentary on what they thought of our name (Mason), good or bad. And this is one area where people can't seem to resist the urge to comment.

You should name your baby what you WANT to name your baby. After all, he's YOUR baby! :)
 
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