Hi Sherry:
not a happy situation right now, huh?
I don't suggest anything drastic. I don't ever support advice to leave the guy or anything like that, not unless he is physically violent.
He is a human being, as are you, living in a complex world and trying to make the best of it. But life is not perfect and he is having a hard time dealing with the curve it has thrown him. He is human and humans screw up. Whilst it is hurtful for you to be bombarded with verbal abuse, it is a symptom of his inability to work through the current troubles and the anger, hurt, frustration he currently feels. It sounds from your post that this kind of behaviour is totally off the wall, something you have never experienced before from him, and if this is so, then I think it's way more about him and his current inability to handle his emotions than it is about you.
I practice what my mother always practiced when my husband suddenly flies off the handle (he is a very gentle man and loving father but can suddenly flare up and takes life's difficulties out on us, me and the kids, with verbal obscenities and blame throwing in my direction): my mother always said to us to ignore him, he'll get over it, and she did, and he did, and I do, and my husband does.
I am a student of cultural studies, gender and sexuality and literature and everything I have read tells me that a large part of the problem lies with the ways in which our cultures construct masculinity, how men are raised to be, to think, to behave, and to react, what they are told to be a man is, what masculinity is. Donna's husband seems to understand this in her post. Your husband may well currently feel attacked at the root of his masculinity, even though he may not be able to put this in words. His social value is what is currently in question. When this happens, men typically take it out on the person who is regarded as socially weaker than they are, in the differential power relationship, and in this scenario, that's you.
This is therefore a big deal and while no-one condones verbal abuse, what your husband probably needs from you right now is level-headedness, try to think clearly and dissassociate your hurt from his needs where possible.
Can you find him a counsellor, a therapist, a profesional of some kind whom he can talk to and air some of these frustrations in the right direction, rather than taking them out on the only person he can right now. If you find the numbers, leave them in front of him, tell him what they are, that you would like him to consult someone because he clearly needs help for a few weeks and his behaviour is not accceptable. Then walk away from the isssue and see if he can help himself a little.
Generally speaking, it might be a good idea to keep yourself out of his way, give yourself some breathing space, get out of the house, let him rant and rave against the walls for a while, and surround yourself with loving people who can keep affirming your self-confidence while the difficult period lasts.
I wonder, from my chats with mother in laws, sisters and female friends, whether to some extent men are raised to always look elsewhere to lay the blame for a certain situation, rather than accepting that it is they who have been in error and must accept responsibility. And even though all were laid off and it is not that your husband did anything wrong in a professional sense, still there may be some sense of guilt in there and men just are not taught how to deal with it it seems. That does not mean we have to accept their inability to work through their own issues and errors, however. This is certainly an issue in my marriage and drives me insane every time it comes up, I have yet to find a solution and I am still waiting for apologies for all the times he was wrong and took it out on me. I wait in vain I suspect.
Anyway, we here at the forums are all keeping you in our thoughts and hoping for the best possible solution to this predicament for you. In the meanwhile, stay strong.
Clare
BTW, thank goodness for the outlet of working out.:7