How would you feel if your husband.....

heartbreaking post

This last post made me feel so bad for your family. I hope that you can find a way to work together to deal with these issues. If ever there was a time for the two of you to unite it is now. :(
 
Worknprogress said:
Yes, I have kept things from my husband. It never started out that way but unfortunately, my almost 23 y/o son is an addict. He is in recovery right now, but just relapsed and is back in treatment.

We started down this path 6 years ago and in the begining of my son's drug use, we were very united. Somewhere along the way, my husband's feelings changed about my son. He was very angry at what my son's addiction did not only to me but to the entire family.

He is entitled to every bit of anger he has as my son has put us through hell and back so many times. However, I hate the drugs, I hate what they did to him and to us but at the end of the day, he is still my son.

My husband's anger toward my son changed how he treated him, even when he was in recovery. It put even more stress on our situation so in the last couple of years, I have hidden the "ugliness" of my son's addiction from him. I dealt with it completely on my own, only telling my best friend and my sisters.

Any one who has dealt with an addict in their family know the horrific life you begin to lead. I felt if I kept it from my husband, in the hopes that one day my son lives a drug-free life, that there will be something left of their relationship.

It was also hard to hear from my husband his feelings about my son. Again, he is entitled to his anger, but it is hard to hear how much someone pretty much hates your own flesh and blood.

So that is the "back story."
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Most parents will go to any means needed to defend/protect their offspring. It's natural. Perhaps it was wrong to hide things from your husband but I think any mom would understand why you did it. (((HUGS)))
 
Your husband is angry that your son has caused you pain and has disrupted his life in immeasurably. He probably feels like you are soft on your son and enabling him, thus causing the whole family to endure more pain. Since he feels he cannot communicate with you about this issue he has taken to spying on you. It’s his way of trying to take charge and control of his life. He feels your son is controlling the whole family’s quality of life.

Your son has caused the fissure in your relationship and how you and your husband have handled it has caused the breakdown in trust. Your marriage is at the breaking point. I really suggest that you seek out either religious counseling or marital counseling or some type of help. The trust bond in your relationship has been broken and it will only decline from where you are now. Don’t let it escalate into violence.

As hard as it can be, you must let your son, who is an adult, choose his own path in life. You’ve done your job now. Your family deserves some quality of life. If your son wants to be clean then he will make the life change. You cannot do that for him. Don’t let his addiction destroy your family.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
 
I can't imagine what you are going through and almost feel like I shouldn't even be offering advice.

Perhaps you and your husband just need to sit down and discuss why you felt you needed to keep things from him. Since he has children of his own, I would think he would empathize with the need to protect them during difficult times. I would hope that he would understand that even though you understand his anger that by him voicing his feelings so harshly to you is hurting you and your relationship. It could be that even though he is angry with your son, the reason he snoops is so he can be supportive of you. If that is the case, it is even more important for him to understand his negative comments about your son hurt you are not supportive.

I do hope you can find a way to work things out. Given your son's situation it is important for both you and your son to have a strong support system in place.
 
I'm really sorry you are going through all of this and I hope your son can overcome his addictions.

Regardless of the circumstances, I still do not think your husband has a right to read your e-mails and text messages without your permission. As for telling you you're not allowed to buy a new phone? I don't think so. If he felt you were hiding information he should have addressed the issue with you personally instead of resorting to snooping.

Perhaps he should be asking himself why you felt you had to keep this information from him. If he was a supportive husband i'm sure you would have continued to update him on your son's situation. You are in a tough situation and you need your husband to be understanding and supportive, not angry and sneaky.
 
Elle_p said:
I'm really sorry you are going through all of this and I hope your son can overcome his addictions.

Regardless of the circumstances, I still do not think your husband has a right to read your e-mails and text messages without your permission. As for telling you you're not allowed to buy a new phone? I don't think so. If he felt you were hiding information he should have addressed the issue with you personally instead of resorting to snooping.

Perhaps he should be asking himself why you felt you had to keep this information from him. If he was a supportive husband i'm sure you would have continued to update him on your son's situation. You are in a tough situation and you need your husband to be understanding and supportive, not angry and sneaky.
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Well said! I couldn't agree more!
 
{{{{HUGS}}}} I can offer no words of advice, but that I hope you and your husband can discuss these issues and work this out. I'm sure I would be put off if my husband was purposefully snooping through my e-mails and texts although he has full access to both. Honestly, there is nothing exciting in my e-mails or texts so he would be totally bored reading them ;)
 
On second thought...if the best communication you and your husband have is through your e-mails then maybe send an e-mail to yourself addressed to him. You can write out your feelings and hope he takes it to heart.
 
Yes, you're justified. It is an invasion of privacy and he shouldn't do it. I let my BF read mine, because there's never anything there which would bother me if he saw it, and he shares his with me. But we did have a period where there were some trust issues - we both did some violating each other's trust. Now we have an unwritten open book policy and I think it's much better. I don't look at his texts or emails anymore, and (as far as I know) he doesn't look at mine - just because we know there's nothing worth reading. If there was, we'd show the other one. He gets to see the emails from my ex that make me smolder.
 
I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I know there is no easy answer. The only advice that I can give is that you should seek help from a professional who is experienced in dealing with addictions. It sounds like the entire family is in need of some counseling and guidance through such a difficult time. I have a friend who has a son with addictions and have seen her go through so much with him. Sometimes the best thing that you can do for them is tough love, no matter how hard that might be on you.

Pam
 
I'm so sorry that you're going through so much. I agree that counseling would be of great help working through problems. Personally, if it were me, I would just allow him to look through my things/emails. He seems to be very angry and doesn't trust you right now, but maybe after some time he will stop feeling the need to look through your things and then you'll be able to trust him not to look through your PMs and emails anymore. But then again, that's I've always felt that nothing should be secret/private in my own (long term) relationship (keep in mind I come from a family that can't keep a secret and we are just a snoopy bunch). Maybe with the new phone thing, he felt you were trying to hide something again, but he was definitely wrong in saying that you couldn't get a new phone.
 
Trust

If I can't do it in front of my husband, then I shouldn't be doing it. I trust him with my life and there is no email, Facebook post or text message that he can't not look at. My stuff's on and logged in all the time.
 
LasVegasFitGirl said:
If I can't do it in front of my husband, then I shouldn't be doing it. I trust him with my life and there is no email, Facebook post or text message that he can't not look at. My stuff's on and logged in all the time.
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I'm sorry, but this bothers me. I trust my DH with my life too, but I also believe in having privacy. We do not share passwords, emails, texts or any of that. There's another way of looking at trust... our trust is so strong, sharing this info isn't necessary. I don't need to know what his emails, voicemails and texts say. And he doesn't need to know mine.

It's not that there is anything I am saying that I "shouldn't" be saying or doing in front of my husband, but it's more about the fact that I have the right to have some privacy. This does not reflect negatively on our trust for each other in any way. In fact, I would say our trust for each other is stronger because of the fact we don't have to prove it!

There are many ways of handling trust and privacy in a marriage, so no one way is the "right way". Still, I can honestly say if I had my husband reading over my shoulder all the time, we would have a serious problem.

So to answer the original post... YES you have a right to be upset that your DH is sneaking behind your back and reading your texts. It's wrong. Period.
 
JeanneMarie said:
I'm sorry, but this bothers me. I trust my DH with my life too, but I also believe in having privacy. We do not share passwords, emails, texts or any of that. There's another way of looking at trust... our trust is so strong, sharing this info isn't necessary. I don't need to know what his emails, voicemails and texts say. And he doesn't need to know mine.

It's not that there is anything I am saying that I "shouldn't" be saying or doing in front of my husband, but it's more about the fact that I have the right to have some privacy. This does not reflect negatively on our trust for each other in any way. In fact, I would say our trust for each other is stronger because of the fact we don't have to prove it!

There are many ways of handling trust and privacy in a marriage, so no one way is the "right way". Still, I can honestly say if I had my husband reading over my shoulder all the time, we would have a serious problem.

So to answer the original post... YES you have a right to be upset that your DH is sneaking behind your back and reading your texts. It's wrong. Period.
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Awesome post JeanneMarie! I couldn't agree more. :)
 
I totally agree JeanneMarie. I have been married a long time and our sons are grown. Believe me I need some space for me and that includes my emails etc. and a definite expectation of privacy. I also keep a journal and that is absolutely private! I also need a place where I can go and shut the door. I came to that realization when I noticed that everyone in the household had their own room and decided I needed one too. It is really not trust issues for me just the space to be myself and feel independent and not always part of a couple. As far as you can't buy a new phone goes--You have got to be kidding!!! But there are much deeper issues going on here and considering the family dynamics and the fact that he is a stepfather I think professional counseling is a good idea. Good luck and I hope you can work it thru.
 
Worknprogress said:
Yes, I have kept things from my husband. It never started out that way but unfortunately, my almost 23 y/o son is an addict. He is in recovery right now, but just relapsed and is back in treatment.

We started down this path 6 years ago and in the begining of my son's drug use, we were very united. Somewhere along the way, my husband's feelings changed about my son. He was very angry at what my son's addiction did not only to me but to the entire family.

He is entitled to every bit of anger he has as my son has put us through hell and back so many times. However, I hate the drugs, I hate what they did to him and to us but at the end of the day, he is still my son.

My husband's anger toward my son changed how he treated him, even when he was in recovery. It put even more stress on our situation so in the last couple of years, I have hidden the "ugliness" of my son's addiction from him. I dealt with it completely on my own, only telling my best friend and my sisters.

Any one who has dealt with an addict in their family know the horrific life you begin to lead. I felt if I kept it from my husband, in the hopes that one day my son lives a drug-free life, that there will be something left of their relationship.

It was also hard to hear from my husband his feelings about my son. Again, he is entitled to his anger, but it is hard to hear how much someone pretty much hates your own flesh and blood.

So that is the "back story."
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PM or email me. Call me if you want. I just went thru many years of counseling for MYSELF (as an enabler) and my sister (bigger enabler) to deal with my niece's drug addiction. There is hope, there is recovery, there is a way. But sometimes it means changing how YOU react to the addict. I don't condone your husbands actions, but I totally understand his frustration. Please reach out for help. If I knew I could do this years ago, I would have done it. And my niece is now clean. Good Luck
ellie
 
HaveFun said:
On second thought...if the best communication you and your husband have is through your e-mails then maybe send an e-mail to yourself addressed to him. You can write out your feelings and hope he takes it to heart.
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This is brilliant!
 
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