HELP! We adopted a kitten who doesn't like us

Melclear

Melclear

Cathlete
We used to have 2 wonderful lovebug kitties -- they loved being held, sitting on our laps, sleeping on our bed, etc. One died a few months ago, and after several weeks of mourning, we adopted a new kitten. At the shelter, that kitten loved being in our arms. He purred the whole time we held him, and fell asleep in our arms.

He's been here about a month, and that was basically the last time he let us touch him. Some days, he likes being near me (in the same room) but others, if I walk into a room, he leaves. If we reach out to pet him, he will sniff our hands, then back away. He will tolerate being petted for a second or two, and then he moves just out of reach. He won't tolerate being held, won't sit on laps, nothing. He was never abused, and he's not afraid of us -- he just seems not to like us.

So what do we do now? DH has allergies, so we can't just add a 3rd to the mix in hopes of getting another lovebug. I would feel guilty bringing him back to the shelter (although it was not a typical shelter -- it was in a woman's home, and she would either care for him or adopt him out again). But the idea is already bringing on the tears just typing this. On the other hand, I feel like we are getting all the down sides of having a pet (medical and food costs, extra allergens, destruction of personal stuff) and none of the good stuff. Is there a chance he will warm up over time? Or are we just all stuck with each other for the next 20 years?

Mel
 
OMG Mel, I wish I had some advice for you but we are going through the same thing with your adopted cat. And have been for 4 years!!:eek:

For the first week, this cat was lovey and playful. Then started hibernating in the dining room and would only come out to eat. A couple of years ago we knocked down the wall between the dining room and kitchen and I had to put her downstairs while the plasterers came in. She's been down there ever since, by her own choice. What's that say?!?! We call her the cellar-dweller. She comes up every once in a while but doesn't really associate with us at all.

We've pretty much accepted the fact that she doesn't like us. Maybe she's just cranky, who knows?! :confused: But we are pretty much stuck with her since I refuse to bring her back to the MSPCA.

Good luck! I hope your kitty warms up to your family as time goes on!!!
 
Melclear said:
We used to have 2 wonderful lovebug kitties -- they loved being held, sitting on our laps, sleeping on our bed, etc. One died a few months ago, and after several weeks of mourning, we adopted a new kitten. At the shelter, that kitten loved being in our arms. He purred the whole time we held him, and fell asleep in our arms.

He's been here about a month, and that was basically the last time he let us touch him. Some days, he likes being near me (in the same room) but others, if I walk into a room, he leaves. If we reach out to pet him, he will sniff our hands, then back away. He will tolerate being petted for a second or two, and then he moves just out of reach. He won't tolerate being held, won't sit on laps, nothing. He was never abused, and he's not afraid of us -- he just seems not to like us.

So what do we do now? DH has allergies, so we can't just add a 3rd to the mix in hopes of getting another lovebug. I would feel guilty bringing him back to the shelter (although it was not a typical shelter -- it was in a woman's home, and she would either care for him or adopt him out again). But the idea is already bringing on the tears just typing this. On the other hand, I feel like we are getting all the down sides of having a pet (medical and food costs, extra allergens, destruction of personal stuff) and none of the good stuff. Is there a chance he will warm up over time? Or are we just all stuck with each other for the next 20 years?

Mel
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Mel - I might get jumped on for this, but honestly if the woman is willing to take him back and find him another home, I think that is the route I would take. Sometimes animals just do not click with us for some reason. It could be something about the environment of your home that he doesn't like, who knows. He may be happier with someone else. And there may be another kitty out there who would be happier with you. If you'd only had him a week or so, I would say give it more time, but after a month, it doesn't sound very promising.
 
Liann said:
Mel - I might get jumped on for this, but honestly if the woman is willing to take him back and find him another home, I think that is the route I would take. Sometimes animals just do not click with us for some reason. It could be something about the environment of your home that he doesn't like, who knows. He may be happier with someone else. And there may be another kitty out there who would be happier with you. If you'd only had him a week or so, I would say give it more time, but after a month, it doesn't sound very promising.
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I agree. The cat seems stressed, you are stressed. It would be best for both of you to return the cat and hopefully it will find a home it will be happy in.
 
Do you have other cats in the house?

Maybe s/he's uncomfortable with the presence (or scent) of other cats?

At least you know where you stand with this cat. My late kitty was bi-polar... loved you one minute; gnawing on your arm the next.

If this cat doesn't settle in and join the family soon, it's likely that it never will. Can you live with that? :( You may have to return the cat and get another one. Sooner is probably better because the shelter is more likely to take the cat back if you do it now.

Good luck with your tough decision!
 
Where's Kathryn? She'd have some good ideas on this. :)

Have you tried playing him or engaging him without touching him? Like with one of those toys that is a stick with a string and a fuzzy thing attached to it?

Does he come to you when you feed him?

Kittens can be wierd. My BF an his family recently adopted a kitten and it took her a while to warm up to the household (she would dart away when approached), but she eventually did after a few months. She even lets me pick her up when I visit.

I wouldn't give up just yet.
 
I have had many kitties but I do not proclaim to be an expert.
My thoughts were that maybe the other kitty's presence is problematic OR maybe this kitty is sick? I wouldn't give up right now either. Give it some time...
We had a siamese, Frank, who acted like "a weird Harold", and refused to have anything to do with my DH for awhile. We discovered that he was VERY jealous of our older tabby cat, Tigger, and DH loved the tabby like a kid. We finally relented and bought Frank his own toys, litter box, etc. , spent one on one time in a room alone with him and he FINALLY fell in love with DH. It took about three months.
The other thought I had was whether this kitty has been seen recently by a vet. Maybe he has sensitive skin or some other disorder which makes contact uncomfortable?
I do wish you the best of luck!
 
thanks!

Thanks for all your quick replies! The kitten has been seen by a vet, and we already treated him for ringworm and an upper respiratory infection. Now that those are gone, he appears to be perfectly healthy. And every now and then, he will let us pet him and he will purr when we do and swat at my hand when I stop. So although the skin condition idea is a good thought that I hadn't considered, that one seems doubtful.

We do play with him in a non-touching manner -- he loves the string on a stick, and we play that with him as much as we can stand. And he definitely comes when we feed him (and more often than not when we call him). As for our other cat, the new kitten seems to like him best of all. Those 2 clicked right away -- our older cat groomed the new kitten the first time they met. They play together, and the kitten follows the other cat around.

The weird thing is that the kitten seems pretty happy overall. He loves all his toys, he has some preferred spots in the house, he likes our other cat...the only thing about this place he doesn't like is the humans.

I haven't made any decisions yet but it definitely seems like DH and I will be talking about this tonight. So if anyone has any more ideas or thoughts, please keep them coming. You guys are great!
 
Melclear said:
Thanks for all your quick replies! The kitten has been seen by a vet, and we already treated him for ringworm and an upper respiratory infection. Now that those are gone, he appears to be perfectly healthy. And every now and then, he will let us pet him and he will purr when we do and swat at my hand when I stop. So although the skin condition idea is a good thought that I hadn't considered, that one seems doubtful.

We do play with him in a non-touching manner -- he loves the string on a stick, and we play that with him as much as we can stand. And he definitely comes when we feed him (and more often than not when we call him). As for our other cat, the new kitten seems to like him best of all. Those 2 clicked right away -- our older cat groomed the new kitten the first time they met. They play together, and the kitten follows the other cat around.

The weird thing is that the kitten seems pretty happy overall. He loves all his toys, he has some preferred spots in the house, he likes our other cat...the only thing about this place he doesn't like is the humans.

I haven't made any decisions yet but it definitely seems like DH and I will be talking about this tonight. So if anyone has any more ideas or thoughts, please keep them coming. You guys are great!
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Mel - This sounds a LOT like my friends kitten (previous post) when they first got her. She's very friendly now.
 
If he seems happy and is adjusting well with the home and your other pets, maybe you should just give him a little more time. Your last post sounded like a pretty normal cat to me.
 
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If you want cuddly on demand I recommend a dog. Cats operate on their own groove and remind us every day that it's not all about us (but that's what I like about them).
 
It doesn't sound like you or the kitten are very happy with the situation. If the woman you adopted the kitten from would take care of him and find him a new home, perhaps getting a different cat (an adult, whose personality is pretty much set, and who won't be as fickle) would be best for all of you?

Just keep in mind that all cats have their individual personalities, likes and dislikes, and even another cat might not be as 'cuddly' as you hope for.


After my latest adoption of a kitten---Pete--I don't think I'd ever adopt a kitten again. I love the dude, but he's definitely more fickle than my othercats--whom I adopted as adults: likes to bite--but doesn't break skin--and can be a real PITA. On the other hand, at times he can be the same, sweet ball of purr I adopted because he won me over.
 
I have two very different experiences with shy kittens. Slinky, who died on valentine's day, was a terrified skittish kitten who would only come out from under the bed to eat. We got him to keep our first cat Jaffa company so we really didn't consider bringing him back to the shelter even though they offered to take him back. One evening I laid down on the floor and spoke softly to him and told him we would love him and care for him no matter what. He slowly began to come out of his shell and grew up to be one of the most loving and sweetest cats I've ever had (and I've had many). Puddle on the other hand was adopted when I heard there was an extraordinarily high number of kittens at the humane society one year. She had an upper respiratory infection when we brought her home so I isolated her from the other cats for her first two weeks she was with us. Big mistake. She has never really bonded with us, she only comes for some petting in the morning just before I get up. Otherwise she's basically off doing her own thing all day. We call her a more of a furry roommate than a furry child. Anyway, I understand your concerns about having all the bad parts of pet ownership and none of the good. I really think life is too short to have to have an animal that doesn't like you. If the shelter will take the cat back that's great. If I ever get another cat I am going to foster for a local shelter until I find the right one. Our fourth kitty came to us that way and she is an amazing little cat that knew exactly how to worm her way into our hearts. I know if I were in your situation I'd struggle with bringing her back but since getting a second kitty is not an option I really thing that maybe your best bet.
 
Cats come with different personalities. Some like to cuddle and like to be petted or brush, while others are more aloof and could care less if you're in the same house (as long as you provide food, LOL). Since he is still a kitten I think you could probably work with him so he learns that petting is pleasurable. Does he like to lay on soft blankets or pillows? Does he like treats? Does he have a time of day that he is more tired and not playful? If so you could pick him up and place him on a soft blanket next to you and feed him the treats. While you do this try to get in a few gentle pets. As he gets more comfortable with this you can pet him longer and decrease the treats and eventually put the blanket on your lap or bed where you want him. I would not try this when he is playful because he'll be too active to settle down. There is no guarantee that doing something like this will change him, but you could try it and see. I would hate for you to have to re-home him after you have had him awhile, but you want a pet that fits your family and some times personalities just don't mesh with what you are looking.
 
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If he gets on well with your other cat and she likes him I think that is a big step. Usually that is where the trouble lies. I guess he is bonding with her and maybe when that process is complete he will have more time for you. Hard decision--return him now before you get too involved or keep him and wait and see. We adopted a grown cat from a shelter and it took her literally a year before she relaxed and REALLY knew she had a home. My opinion--if your other cat likes him, that is good enough for me. He just sounds like he is too busy to give you much time right now. Maybe when he gets more settled in he will be more affectionate.
 
I don't know, I think my initial reaction would be that maybe he pulls back more because you guys want to keep petting him. I know this sounds silly but most cats are fiercely independent and they want to do it on their own terms.

A few years ago I adopted a cat who was sweet and loving at the shelter but when I brought her home she went into her cocoon. She would attack everyone who tried to pet her and basically live underneath our bed, our Labrador was the only one who could even get close to her. After weeks of trying we realized that things are not getting better and stopped trying to pet her or get close to her. Against the advice of a rescue group who read me the riot act for that, I adopted another kitty because I thought Jazmine needed to learn how to be a family cat. We got our current cat, Nemo and Jazmine bonded with him. It still took months for her to come out of her shell but she eventually did.

I think part of why she did was that because we purposely started ignoring her. Cats can't stand that. If you ever encounter anyone who does not like cats, that is the one cats will be jumping all over :eek:

That being said, your cat sounds like a normal kitty. Some of them are lovebugs but most of them are really independent and won't do anything that they don't want to do.
 
hiitdogs said:
I think part of why she did was that because we purposely started ignoring her. Cats can't stand that. If you ever encounter anyone who does not like cats, that is the one cats will be jumping all over :eek:
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Yep. I like cats fine but I'm very allergic, so naturally they flock to me. And clowns--I really flippin' hate clowns but who do they come to in a crowd--me!?! OK, I digress.
 
Melclear said:
Thanks for all your quick replies! The kitten has been seen by a vet, and we already treated him for ringworm and an upper respiratory infection. Now that those are gone, he appears to be perfectly healthy. And every now and then, he will let us pet him and he will purr when we do and swat at my hand when I stop. So although the skin condition idea is a good thought that I hadn't considered, that one seems doubtful.

We do play with him in a non-touching manner -- he loves the string on a stick, and we play that with him as much as we can stand. And he definitely comes when we feed him (and more often than not when we call him). As for our other cat, the new kitten seems to like him best of all. Those 2 clicked right away -- our older cat groomed the new kitten the first time they met. They play together, and the kitten follows the other cat around.

The weird thing is that the kitten seems pretty happy overall. He loves all his toys, he has some preferred spots in the house, he likes our other cat...the only thing about this place he doesn't like is the humans.

I haven't made any decisions yet but it definitely seems like DH and I will be talking about this tonight. So if anyone has any more ideas or thoughts, please keep them coming. You guys are great!
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Cats are like people - different personalities and preferences. If your kitty seems happy and playful, then maybe he/she is just not a cuddler! Our adopted at is more like a puppy, buthe grew up with dogs, so he cuddles, sleeps with me with his head on my arm, loves to sit in our laps, etc. I wouldn't give up either. When we first brought Simon home, he cowered under the couch right in the middle where we couldn't get to him, but we'd force him out and force hold him and talk to him and pet him. I think this made him like he is! But, then again, it depends on the cat. Some are just loners and there's really nothing you can do about it. I'm afraid of the same thing when Simon finally goes - I don't think we'll ever find another one just like him!

Good luck! I know you'll make the right decision for you and don't feel guilty whatever your decision.
 
update

DH and I talked it over last night and agreed to give the little guy at least another month. It's pretty clear that he doesn't yet feel settled in, so we want to give him a bit more time to relax. And because he had so many little health issues, we were constantly messing with him to give him eye drops, liquid medicine, pills, etc. He has 3 more days of antibiotics, and after that, we'll give him until the beginning of June and see how he is. If by then, he feels more like our cat, instead of a cat who lives in our house, he stays. And if not, we'll bring him back. We figured that if he really doesn't feel like our cat, the extra time won't be that emotionally difficult. Thanks everyone for your advice and support!
 
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