Help! My husband is criticizing me

[isuretri]

Joan C - You hit it on the head! I believe you are correct! I believe he sees it as helping me but when I hear it, it hurts. People have different ways to say and react to things and I really think he thinks by saying that he is helping me.
Communication is the key to a great relationship and I am going to make sure that he knows that this is not the way to help me.
On my FB post, I put "Men definitley are from another planet!" How true!

 

[pgeiger]

Joan makes an excellent point. My husband likes to problem solve. Sometimes I just want to vent. I'll be venting about something and he'll start telling me how to solve the problem. In fact this just happened to us last night and I said look, I don't need you telling me what to do too! He came back and apologized - told me he is a problem solver, I was telling him about a problem and that he was trying to help but that he would support whatever I decided to do. It sounds like telling him how his comments make you feel is definitely the right way to go IMHO

Pam

 

[spyrosmom]

I think Joan may be right as well. He may think he's helping you. If he makes faces when you eat cookies and you don't like him to make faces, then you won't eat cookies. Man logic

Or, you could just tell him not to let the door hit him in the arse on his way out.

Nan

 

[ladubose]

I disagree that he is trying to help you by being verbally abusive ( and it is hard to interrupt your first post nor emotional response to his comments as anything other) I think he is threatened by your success in all areas of your life, in you weight loss and fitness, in your business achievements, and as your role as a mother, to be brutally honest I think his comments are made to make you feel belittled and bad about yourself so you don't have a chance to turn the table around and make him (and you) take a long hard look at him and say GOD I SURE DO DESERVE BETTER!!!

 

[nspire]

I agree with Laura, when I first read the post, my first thought was he's jealous. He knows you look good and probably feels threatened by it. Maybe a little scared that other men are noticing also. I had a boyfriend like that once. I had been diligent about working out and he told me I looked skinny. At first my feelings were hurt, but I took one look in the mirror and noticed my chisled arms/abs/legs and realized he was threatened by how I looked. I kept doing me and I encourage you to stay strong and do you!!

Dana

 

[syzygy314]

Thank you for saying it, Frogribbit! I was going to, but you beat me to it! I hate when people who are genetically disposed to thinness comment and criticize someone who has to work for it!

It is detrimental and discouraging! I have to work really hard to lose weight and keep it off! Luckily, my DH is supportive and he eats what I eat.

You have our support! Hang in there and definitely address this issue with him.

I just wanted to say that just because he is thin doesn't mean he is healthier than you. Kudos for working out and watching what you eat!!

 

[RapidBreath]

Awww jeeez

I'm so sorry he just doesn't get it. Why would anybody pick on you, I just don't get it. Anybody contemplating a figure comp is just off the charts amazing in my book so the only thing that I can think is that it wasn't really about your body. I bet that he was just feeling crappy and decided to share how bad he was feeling and the best way he could make you feel bad was to pick on your body. Thats just a guess on my part.

You do not deserve this at all under any circumstances. Anyone dealing with a medical condition has a right to take a couple of days off from workouts. And, we all know (especially on this forum) that diet is responsible for 80 percent of how we look anyway and that a few days off won't make that much of a difference. If anything you will come back stronger than before.

 

[diane57]

This is a very interesting discussion. From the OP's report, I do not think her hubby was verbally abusive just by making the comment "When are you going to start exercising again?" It does sound like he has made other comments about her diet and weight, but it is true he may just think he's being helpful espcially since she herself has worked so hard to lose weight.

I have seen and heard many many wives make comments to their husbands along the line of "No you are NOT having another burger!" "How many beers are you planning to drink? Don't you think you've had enough?" "Honey you really should have a salad instead of the ribs..." "You're not going to wear that shirt tonight are you???" "Sweetie, you need to get a haircut..." I wouldn't call those comments abusive, maybe more meddlesome. I try not to communicate stuff like that to my husband, but I think wives nagging husbands about their diet/exercise/wardrobe is fairly common, so maybe we shouldn't have a double standard...

 

[isuretri]

I did end up confronting him about this and he apologized. He did say he was trying to help me. Man's logic???? Now I understand the meaning, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". We just don't have the same logic.
I appreciate the support of everyone on this site. I don't have a lot of friends I can talk to so it sure is nice to be able to express myself here and be able to get others opinions.
I went to the doctor this past Tuesday and still no improvement. He has me taking 1200 mg of Vitamin E twice a day. It's been upsetting my stomach some but he said that would happen. He is trying to get the implant to soften up. I don't go back until the beginning of August so between that time I am going to do what I can and not fret about what I can't do.
Thanks again, I do appreciate y'all!!!

 

[Timber99]

This is my first read of this post. I was about to write that it could be that DH was trying to help and was just taking an offensive aproach. Men do think differently than women. I asked my DH (who is GREAT about being supportive and helpful and complimentary of everything that I do) to hel pme by reminding me of my goals if it looks like I am eating contra-goal-like. He did it but when he did it, I took offense at his temperment. It felt like he was being really condescending, which turned out to be a combination of the different way that men approach things than women and my own guilt!

It's great that you spoke to him about it and cleared the air (and that it turned out to be a miscommunication). Just do what you can for exercise and wait it out. You dont' want to make anything worse by not listening to your doctor.

Good Luck!

 

[bonvivant]

You really need to have a serious talk with your DH. He could be an insensitive jerk or this could very well be his idea of being supportive. You need to talk to him and find out where his head and heart are.

I am by no means saying my husband is a mean, awful, unsupportive man, he is just has an all or nothing approach to things.

Most people have no idea what it really takes to lose and keep off weight. Lots of people believe it's all or nothing. Our spouses really need to educate themselves on what we do and how we do it, ya know?

 

[maddiesmum]

Only you, who best knows this man, can decide whether he is eventually supportive or not and how much crap you are willing to take from him should you decide the answer is the latter.

However, please do yourself a favour: stop making a separate meal for him each night.

You have listed all the things you do and it is obvious that you are deeply committed to your family and to your community. You have set up a service to help women in need in your community and now you need to do something for yourself. Make one meal each night, not two. Your time is so valuable. You deserve claiming some of it foir yourself every evening, rather than having to dedicate it towards making two separate dinners. You do not have the time to be making separate menus and I suspect your husband does not deserve you giving him such special treatment. You deserve better for and from yourself.

I have been on the receiving end of verbal abuse and it is very snide, covers itself up as "concern," "help," and other cloaking sentiments. Those who dish it out usually manage to persuade their victims that what they say is "for their own good," which is why one poster's mother stayed with an abusive father/husband throughout the poster's childhood. People stay with this kind of behaviour because they do not think they deserve better. You came here to ask us what we think about your husband's behaviour because you too are having doubts about what he has said to you and it has caused you to call your own self-worth into question. If you knew you deserved better than this, why would you ask us for our advice? When my husband is verbally abusive, I do not need to ask Cathletes for their opinion because I know he is being a jerk and is out of line and I know I deserve better and his behaviour just inches him ever closer to the divorce courts.

Have a frank conversation with your husband about what you want and need from him. Make it plain that there is behaviour you neither deserve nor will tolerate. Make it plain also that you cook healthy meals and that there will be one, single menu from now on and if he wishes to eat something different, he can spend his own time in the kitchen making it because you have a non-profit service to the community to run.

Don't ask him what he is prepared to give you: tell him what you want, need and are willing to accept.

Clare