Help....Bad Habits back (long)

T

tygra

Cathlete
Hi All,

Hope everyone is doing wonderful and has a very Happy Holiday season!!

I have been working out pretty consistently for 20 years, starting with Jane Fonda (yes, I did that... :p), then to the Firms, then Taebo Live Advanced and then I found Cathe, Amy and KCM. I was always smoking during these workout years, but when I found Cathe I found that Imax 3 was almost impossible as a smoker! Cathe's workouts provided me the will and strength to quit and about 4.5 years ago I quit cold turkey and was consistent in my workouts - 6 days per week. I loved working out, the "high" it gives you, lost weight, toned up and became healthier.

Well in March of 2008 I purchased my first home with my SO that I had been with for 10 years at the time. Life was great - first house, so proud, had a basement now where I had a workout area and the workouts and even though neighbors smoked, I did not. Well, in May of 2008, a few days after our housewarming party apparently my SO met another woman and proceeded to have a year long love affair. I noticed something was different in the beginning, but by December of 2008 he was staying out overnight, stating he was depressed and walking around stores for hours and sitting at 24 hour restaraunts, I knew better. Christmas Eve, after a wonderful celebration at my brothers he caused a fight and left that night and didn't come home until Christmas morning on which he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to be together (at this time I hadn't formally "found out" about her) and so he was leaving Christmas Day and would come back and tell me that night if he wanted to work it out. He came home and said he did. We made it through the rest of the HOlidays and on Jan 3rd I did what I had been avoiding as I knew what I'd find out. I looked at our phone bills on line (joint phone contract) and saw her number and massive amounts of texts. I called her. Let's just say the next few months he was on and off with her - left me alone for my birthday and I found out later, when he said he was going to his son's for the weekend (my birthday weekend was hers as well) he spent the entire weekend with her in a cabin. She finally called me in April and told me he was with her at Christmas and she was done with him. They went back and forth, she shared emails and stuff he sent her (yeah, thanks much - that hurt much seeing that and she was using ME as her relationship counselor!!). Then he wanted me. He was out of a job from Octo 2008 and I paid the mortgage, food everything while he spent unemployment on going with her and paying his car payment. I put up with it, despite some of my family members telling me to kick him to the curb as we talked and he said that he'd move out by 11-1 and sign the deed of the house over to me so I could keep my house. That happened and he is moved out.

He emails me and calls me and wants me back badly now, misses me, is sorry, etc. I asked him to do therapy when I found out, but he wouldn't. Now he wants to. I must heal now .

However, during all of this, this past summer, I kept the workouts going strong, had a new, awesome job offer so I left a company I was 8 years and absolutely love my new job, but it keeps me busy. I was hanging out with neighbors I would steal a cigarette here and there when we had cocktails. Well, you know where that has gone now.......

I am distraught trying to fend him off so I can heal, but also I am smoking more now - buying my own!!! I have neglected my workouts and now hate the way I look and feel. I need my drive back and not sure where to start! I have worked out on and off, to try and kickstart myself, and no avail.....

I need to get control of my life again and instead of taking care of him, need to do it for me but I don't know where and how to start and get back that feeling. I purchased Insanity and have STS and STS Cardio coming and all of Cathe, Amy's and KCM's step and high low workouts - ones I've always loved.

Any suggestions would help! I apologize for my long post, just at a place where I need to get my butt kicked and myself started......but, how......I'm disappointed in myself for his affair and my falling apart.

Thanks all!
 
Hi Jane!! I'm a bit short on time this Sunday morning.....but tonight I will be back, and you will be getting a nice long pm from me. ;) ((((Hugs))) I know alllll about the struggle.....

Iris
 
:( Jane - that is quite the story. I really don't have any wise words for you, but just wanted to send you some thoughts - you have to know that smoking is so bad for your health, and it will hold you down in your workouts. You haven't been at it for too long so try to control that first. Get your eating on track and your workouts done. Just give yourself some time each day that you promise you will workout instead of focusing on your problems and that guy who treated you so badly. Nobody deserves that, and his words should fall on deaf ears, in my opinion. You have made it on your own and seem to be doing just fine other than your motivation for working out. So, if you have Insanity, those workouts are tough but not too long. You will need your oxygen though, so put the cigarettes away. STS is a great program but very intense - still, not much over an hour a day, 3 times a week. You will be huffing and puffing in that too, even though it is not cardio, it does have a cardio component to it at times. A lot of people seemed to like Chalene Extreme for its short but apparently effective workouts - you get weights and cardio. Do you happen to have that one? I think most important for you is to just get started and STAY on that schedule. You will start to feel and look better, and that will be good motivation. All the best to you through this.
 
He's the one zapping you of all your energy. He's the one you need to give up cold turkey. Don't take any more phone calls from him, don't answer any emails, just quit! He doesn't deserve you and surely doesn't deserve your attention. He's trying to string you along because he needs someone to take care of him and you did such a wonderful job of it. Quit! Get on with your life, you have already proven you're quite a catch, now let someone else catch you. Go for the gold this time.

As for the cigarettes, that's tough, especially when you have so many changes in your life. New home, new job, etc... once you begin to focus on yourself and start to feel powerful again, then you probably won't have any problems quitting. You did it once, you can do it again.

((( Hugs ))) Be kind to yourself and be smart about your choices.
 
chefling said:
He's the one zapping you of all your energy. He's the one you need to give up cold turkey. Don't take any more phone calls from him, don't answer any emails, just quit! He doesn't deserve you and surely doesn't deserve your attention. He's trying to string you along because he needs someone to take care of him and you did such a wonderful job of it. Quit! Get on with your life, you have already proven you're quite a catch, now let someone else catch you. Go for the gold this time.

As for the cigarettes, that's tough, especially when you have so many changes in your life. New home, new job, etc... once you begin to focus on yourself and start to feel powerful again, then you probably won't have any problems quitting. You did it once, you can do it again.

((( Hugs ))) Be kind to yourself and be smart about your choices.
Click to expand...


She's right about not having any contact with him.

As far as the cigarettes - I volunteer to kick you in the a$$ if you do not quit!!!!!
 
I agree with Chefling and Workinprogress. You need to end that chapter in your life and tell the cheating X to get out of your life and stop contacting you period. You need to take care of YOU. He is NOT worth you putting yourself through this and spiraling into self destructive behaviors. Do you have someone in your life you can talk to? Have you done any counseling yourself? It could be very helpful in moving on. It sounds to me that you haven't done that - move on that is. (((HUGS)))
 
Hey, Jane! Wow, I really feel for you. I know how using all that emotional energy can really, really drain you. My suggestion is to just tell yourself, "Girl, you gotta work out - you HAVE to! It's non-negotiable!" You have to do it for several reasons; when you work out:

your outlook is better
you have more energy
you sleep better
you think better
you feel better
you GET BETTER

I'm not going to analyze your situation, because I don't know all of the intricacies. The question I suggest women ask is, would I want what this guy is doing to happen to my daughter? My mom? Jane - remember, you DESERVE someone who does not cheat on you. Guys don't get bonus points for doing what they are SUPPOSED to do (like not cheating). Write down what you DESERVE in a relationship (these should be things that you also reciprocate - fidelity, honesty, communication). I always tell my daughter that men are like shoes - you have to try on a lot to find the right ones!

Take care of yourself, remind yourself of what you deserve, and go out and find those shoes!! <3

Hugs,
Liz
 
thanks so much everyone for your kind thoughts and encouragement. I did do KCM Ready Step Go yesterday and it felt good. Was going to try Muscle Max tonight....I know I can...I know I can....

I am in counseling, next appointment is next week, so something to work on with her, for sure!

What stinks is I feel bad for him now.....why don't / didn't I feel bad for me when he treated me like dog poop?
 
I am so sorry for all you've been through. Reading your post reminded me of something I read that has helped me at times. Quoted from www.marksanna.com: REACHING YOUR GOALS

"Keep the vampires away. Spend your time around people who support you and love you unconditionally. Stay away from the vampires who suck the life-blood out of you. They weaken your foundation and cause you to lose energy and commitment. Remember -- this is who you deeply want to BE, and that is very valuable to you. Don't let anyone keep you from being who you want to be!

Use the outhouse often. Eliminate the crap from you life -- and do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Just as vampires suck your confidence, crap saps your energy. You spend time and motions and energy dealing with crap. It drains you. Get rid of it. Then you will have lots of time and energy to put into achieving your goals. You know what the crap in your life is. It's the clutter on your desk; the shoes that don't match your best suit; the garage that is too full of stuff for the car to fit in; the neighbor's dog(s); your ex-spouse; the pencil sharpener that is always upstairs when you need it downstairs. Every time you feel crap in your life go to the outhouse and get rid of it."
 
Be gentle with yourself and don't be too hard on yourself. You know how good you felt when you were in control of your health, and that will motivate you to get there again. You've been through a very rough time, and you need to deal with that right now. It's obvious from your post that you want to be healthy. Trust that feeling and let it lead you in good time.
 
Hi Jane,

You've gotten some excellent advice here so I'm just sending (((((((hugs)))))) for comfort and ^^55s to you for reaching out for help rather than accepting and resuming old patterns.

Seeking support to help you cope, strengthen your resolve and face tough decisions is an excellent first step on the journey to your best YOU.

Take care~
 
take care of your health first and foremost. This is a great place to come for support, there is always someone here to inspire and motivate.
 
thanks so much everyone! I appreciate the kind words and support and the kick in the butt!

I did do Muscle Max last night and almost died...;)
I feel sore today, but I've always liked DOMS....

hoping to get the spark for life back!

Thanks again everyone!!
 
ellesan said:
I am so sorry for all you've been through. Reading your post reminded me of something I read that has helped me at times. Quoted from www.marksanna.com: REACHING YOUR GOALS

"Keep the vampires away. Spend your time around people who support you and love you unconditionally. Stay away from the vampires who suck the life-blood out of you. They weaken your foundation and cause you to lose energy and commitment. Remember -- this is who you deeply want to BE, and that is very valuable to you. Don't let anyone keep you from being who you want to be!

Use the outhouse often. Eliminate the crap from you life -- and do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Just as vampires suck your confidence, crap saps your energy. You spend time and motions and energy dealing with crap. It drains you. Get rid of it. Then you will have lots of time and energy to put into achieving your goals. You know what the crap in your life is. It's the clutter on your desk; the shoes that don't match your best suit; the garage that is too full of stuff for the car to fit in; the neighbor's dog(s); your ex-spouse; the pencil sharpener that is always upstairs when you need it downstairs. Every time you feel crap in your life go to the outhouse and get rid of it."
Click to expand...

I love this!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top