To tell this story properly, I need to take you back to December, when I was in Hawaii. The hotel had a wonderfully luxurious workout space, very long and filled with top of the line equipment. One wall had about a half dozen cardio machines; three or four of them were ellipticals at one end, and treadmills at the other, with bikes in between. They all faced into mirrors on the wall. The back wall was split into two sections. The wallspace behind the elliptical had free weights and weight benches; the space behind the ellipticals had various Universal and other gym machines. All very new, very nice. I got into the habit of using it in the mornings around 6 am, well before my conference. Almost no one else was in there, so I could put my Cardio Coach intervals on, and have at it!
One morning, I got in a bit later than usual. It had been a long night with a working dinner, and we didn’t have any speakers I needed to hear until later, so I decided to sleep in til 7. Almost skipped the gym, but then I realized I’d have to admit it when I got home …. This time I had company. A young woman got there just before I did, and hopped on on the treadmill. She was dressed all in pink, wearing white ipod headphones, and seemed very nice. A little out of her element, perhaps, but who is really comfortable in a hotel gym? A pair of blond college age men swaggered in. They kind of glanced over at me, and the young woman, then went over to the free. Looked to me like brothers, perhaps twins. I went to the elliptical corner, put on my ipod with Coach Sean, and played the one about the Lion and the Gazelle … this time I decided I was the Lion
By the end of that, I was an empowered sweaty mess. Decided to slip off my headphones and just walk for awhile, then decide on whether I was up for a strength workout.
I mentioned mirrors? While was waiting for my HR to go down I could see the twins in the reflection. Looked like they were pointing back in the direction of our cardio equipment. Maybe at me, maybe at the woman in pink … With my headphones off, I distinctly heard the words “Cardio Bunny”. Have you heard the phrase? It’s a rude label used by gung ho strength artistes to describe someone who is just hopping around a gym on cardio equipment without really getting anywhere or working too hard. Now it may be that they were not calling me the Bunny. Perhaps they were talking about my walking companion at the other end, based on where they were looking. Still, the remark rubbed me the wrong way … I hate it when people make fun of newbies; people who are doing their best deserve respect. Sneaking a peak in the mirror behind me and to the side, I could see the twins pretty clearly, and got an idea … not a high-minded idea … more of a mean spirited, childish one ... should just forget it … and then I heard that Cardio Bunny phrase again and while this time it was obvious it wasn’t me, clearly the young woman walker’s feelings were pretty hurt. Apparently these testosterone-ridden twins had been making comments all along, and she didn’t want to let them know it had gotten to her, but that was not sweat dripping down her face.
That settled it. Childish I would be.
I went over the the water fountain to survey my options. The twins clearly didn’t know that much about strength training. One would pick up a weight, do a bicep curl or some such with sloppy form, and flex in the mirror with it. There was no consistent rest period between lifts, no notebook to write down reps and weights … looked to me as though they’d pick up a weight and heft it a few times, then put it down when they felt tired. They’d been at it for an hour and the weights they were playing with seemed to have gotten much lighter. And they weren’t doing any lower body work at all.
Time to put plan into action. These six foot plus hefty (upper body) college kids were strutting like roosters, and working with the 30 pounders now. They pay no attention when I walk up by the edge of the dumbbell rack – til I picked out one 40 pounder. And another. And quietly did a warmup set of twelve squats with them, and another of fifteen, and replaced them both. Then walked to the open space in the center of the room, stretched, waited 45 seconds, and began drop sets. I started lower than usual because the point was to make everything look easy, so it was 12s to 8s to 4s. Deliberately went fast – that’s easier. By now the testosterone twins, challenged by a mere woman picking up a heavy weight, but they felt challenged enough they had moved up to 50s (max dumbbells they had in the room). The woman in pink was looking more cheerful. There was a lot of grunting. Sneaked a peek. The twins had dropped back down to 40s. Hah! I had them where I wanted them! Testosterone had pushed them into overdoing it.
My finale was this. I went back to the rack, tapped a 50 and asked a Twin very sweetly, “Mind if I use these?” The bigger twin sort of stuttered … “wha … are … sure?” I smiled, picked up the 50s one at a time, good form. (Realize that these are the weights they'd just abandoned for being too heavy). Carefully lined them up for stiff legged deadlifts. Did a set 100 x 6, no bouncing or posing. Stretched. Waited two minutes and did squats to give my lower back a rest – a set of 100s x 6. Looked at the twins, just standing there with their minds blown. Smiled, said “I’m sorry - did you want to work in? I don’t want to hog the good weights.” Got a wordless head shake back. Then I marked another two minutes rest, and did deadlifts 100x6 again. Repeated with squats. Decided I’d made my point, put the weights away, nodded to the twins, and stopped over to say goodbye to the now-beaming woman in the corner. We grinned, gave each other a high five and I left.
Of course, all of you have guessed that I only got away with my showoffy game because the Twins pretty clearly had not done leg work with free weights and had let themselves get worn out. They didn’t rest long enough between sets so the 50s felt pretty heavy to them, I’d bet, and starting out tired is not a good way to try to learn any kind of lift. Deadlifts with the big-ended dumbbells look a lot more impressive than they really are. They weren't wearing gloves - I'd bet the grip was giving out, too. And I was deliberately sandbagging – had been doing Meso 3 with much heavier weights and seven reps each, and had been careful to give myself enough rest to easily handle each set as opposed to pushing the limits
My pushups in the middle were to rest my legs still more. But THEY didn’t know any of that, and they'd tried/failed to do a bunch of squats with a pair some scrawny female handled fairly easily.
The Testosterone Twins had just learned it is unwise to sneer at a Cardio Bunny; it might turn out to be a LION
And that is the story of the Cardio Bunny and the Testosterone Twins, and how I proved I can be just as childish as the next person. If sufficiently provoked
