Daughter moved out :(

reese777: YOU have to do what is best for YOU! You can listen to others opinion, but in the end, it has to be whats best for YOU! You have to let kids fail now anf then or else how are they going to learn. My DDs are 17 and 16, it could be me. And I would do what is best for me. There will be scars, but be tough and hang in there:) ((( ))) Kay
 
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I have heard that my daughter has decided to return to the challenge academy, if for no other reason than to "prove me wrong" - so I'll take that since it's all I've got! Still sad to think that she's aligning herself with her father, when he gave her up and treated her so poorly over the years. It's as if nothing I've done over the years means anything to her. That really hurts.
 
((Reese)) Hang in there. I think letting it go ~ getting it off your mind and trying to move on ~ would be good for you. Rest. <3

Remember...nothing lasts forever. It will pass.

I send you prayers of love and comfort, and I send your daughter much strength and wisdom.
 
Hi Reese,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. Pray for your daughter. Let Jesus take control of this situation and bring peace to both of you. He is always willing and so capable of bringing resolve to any situation.

God Bless you and your family,
Karen
 
Reese777 said:
I have heard that my daughter has decided to return to the challenge academy, if for no other reason than to "prove me wrong" - so I'll take that since it's all I've got! Still sad to think that she's aligning herself with her father, when he gave her up and treated her so poorly over the years. It's as if nothing I've done over the years means anything to her. That really hurts.
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For some reason I think this scenario will change qucikly. I'm sure she is aware of those details and hasn't forgotten them. She is using him as the "sting" to get under your nerves.

I wish you the best. Being a parent is very tough....my 13 year old has been testing us lately.
 
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Okay, daughter is officially not returning to the academy, has dyed her hair black (it was the color of copper pennies) and really hasn't ironed out what she's going to do, but her boyfriend's Mom is requiring her to put the electric bill in her name, and pay $75 in rent.

I think life's lessons have begun!
 
Hi Reese,

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best in this situation! At 18 many of us (I know I did) thought we knew better, and no one could tell us differently. Sounds like you have done all the "softer" love things in the past, so you now needed to try tough love. Doesn't mean you don't love her, you do - she needs to learn about the world, responsibilities. It's fun watching other's with their own places or be at friend's houses that have no rules - now. Later in life she may end up regreting it. Once she realizes all the responsibilities hopefully she'll grow up. When they realize that without paying for electricity/gas, lights or heat won't come on, phone needs to be paid for, TV may only have a few channels unless you pay monthly for cable or satellite. Groceries are expensive. Laundry costs money. Everything costs. These are things they don't realize or know about living with parents. My Step son was going to move out of his mom's his senior year in HS and in with a friend. Said he could afford rent working part time. When we mentioned all the other bills, he realized. He is now in college, but for a while we could not tell him anything and sometimes, still can not.

Hang in there.

Note - she can get in huge trouble being 18 and having sex with a minor...my DF is a recruiter and saw people looking for jobs that were considered a sex offender for life because they had sex with a girlfriend, not rape, incest, etc!!
 
Reese777 said:
I have heard that my daughter has decided to return to the challenge academy, if for no other reason than to "prove me wrong" - so I'll take that since it's all I've got! Still sad to think that she's aligning herself with her father, when he gave her up and treated her so poorly over the years. It's as if nothing I've done over the years means anything to her. That really hurts.
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My kids have always known their father and the fact that he was (still is) a substance abuser and mentally abuses them made them want his respect even more. (I guess it is that we always want what we cannot have?:confused:) I always felt (and sometimes still feel) that they will do anything for him and I made no difference in their lives.

Truth be told - at 19, 22 and 23 - they know what a jerk he is (constantly fight with him) and know I will be there for them. I do think they appreciate the fact there is no jealousy involved in the relationship we have among us and their father thinks it is (as he has said many times) "your mother or me, you choose", or "you like your mom more than you like me".

REMEMBER: forget the relationship she has with her biological father and concentrate on the relationship YOU have with her. (Just don't let her take advantage of you).

Still thinking of you and your daughter . . . HUGS !:)
 
I have walked that mile...and then some.

Reese777 -

I have a DS who has put me through hell and back for 4 1/2 years. His problems are due to his drug addiction. So I will not lecture or preach, because nobody knows what you are going through until they go through it themselves.

You have the memories of a sweet little girl you brought into the world. As a young child she gave you hugs and kisses but now she gives you sleepless nights. You kissed her "booboos" and made them all better but now you can't make them go away. To watch the child you nurtured and loved do horrible things with their lives is the most painful thing to go through.

I know (because I have been there) in the beginning of this terrible mess you did the "if I just love her more" thing (I know you know what I mean) and you did everything we think we are supposed to do. You gave and gave and gave of yourself, your money and everything you thought you should do just to make her get back on the right path.

Unfortunately, that didn't work and when that doesn't the ONLY other thing you can do is tough love which you are doing. Here is where is gets really tough though. You may find the anger subsides a bit after a week or two and you get a bit soft but try and hang in there.

I have been told by recovering addicts of 20 to 30 years clean, that people will finally make changes in their life when the pain of what they have done to their life gets great enough. Although your DD doesn't not have an addiction problem like my son, I think the same goes for anyone who is destroying their life. She is making choices with her life that has consequences and she must learn that herself.

I will caution you about one thing though. I do not think you should give away her childhood things. I understand you needing to clear out her bedroom - the furniture is yours to do with what you please and I think it would be good for her to see that you will not make it easy for her to just walk back in. However, her possessions as a younger girl are things YOU also have emotional attachments to. YOU gave her most of those things and some probably have special memories that go along. She wasn't always the person she is right now and I do think that you will regret that. You are angry right now, understandably so, but as they say - never do anything in the heat of the moment. But yes, pack it away for now.

Sorry for the long post - but like others - it struck a chord.

Prayers to you - at this point - that's all we can do.
 
Updates

Hello Everyone -

Well for those of you that said they didn't think this situation would last long, you were correct! Last night I got a call from her saying she was leaving the boyfriend. Apparently they've been fighting a lot lately (keep in mind that she's not been living with him two full months yet) and last night things turned ugly. He got jealous of a phone call she was having with a friend and pulled a survival knife out and threatened to stab himself. Then he ended up stabbing himself in the leg. Apparently it was a significant injury because he had to go to the hospital for stitches. Before they went to the hospital though, from what I gathered from her choppy story, he stabbed the wall of their bedroom, and then chased her to his mothers room where he kicked the door in because it was locked; breaking the door frame. she's lucky to be alive in my opinion. My sweet husband went to collect her, and called the police. So around midnight last night I had two officers in my kitchen, advising her to fill out a protection order Tuesday. THEN a social worker called her to have her come fill out paperwork for an involuntary commitment on the now EX boyfriend. That was another trip out. Then they had to wait for a doctor to come and evaluate the ex boyfriend to see if he met the criteria for a commitment...it was a nightmare. I didn't get to bed until nearly 3 am.

She still doesn't want to live with me. She's going to stay with a friend. I actually feel a bit safer with her being at the friends house because she's next door to my parents there, and she's out of reach of the ex, who can easily walk to my house.

I found out later this morning that his Mom has been selling prescription pain killers, lied on insurance claims and is committing welfare fraud. It's fortunate she got out when she did or she could have been gotten into serious trouble.

I just hope she'll get her GED soon and come to her senses before I lose my mind! :(
 
Well, it sounds like maybe she's got a little dose of reality and it's sometimes the best teacher. Just make sure she knows you are there for emotional support - which I think you and your husband did very well. It's OK she doesn't want to live with you, she may not be ready to admit a failure on independence.

How long have you been remarried? I only ask because after my mother remarried (when I was 18) I never felt like my house was my home again. My mother and stepfather never did anything to anger me, it just didn't feel right there anymore - like I was intruding. I moved out when I was 19 and never went back. But it was pretty different, since I was in college out of town.

Use this as an opportunity to mend your fences. You two could be become very close. She's 18 now, so quit reading her email and MySpace. :)
 
Thanks for the update.

Glad she wasn't hurt. I'd still be really scared of this guy. I guess his true colors came through. She made the smart decision to leave this relationship ASAP!
 
I Know What You Are Going Through

Reese,

You could have written a bio of my daughter at that age. Fortunately, as your daughter matures she will probably have an about face.

My daughter is almost 26 and is an entirely different person than she was at 18.

I don't think I would snoop in your daughter's private business because you can't change anything right now and you do not need any more stress than you already have.

You do not mention your daughter's use of drugs, but my daughter has tried almost any illegal drug you can mention including heroin and meth.

I took all her things away when she left home at 17 - Child services in my state consider the age of 17 as not worth the effort in most cases.

I could go on and on about what my daughter has pulled on me, but the good thing is she now lives at home and is a productive member of our household. She is even going to school.

I hope you take good care of yourself. There is nothing you can do right now except wait.

I think parenthood is the "Toughest Job You'll Ever Have" (from an old ad).

Try not to beat yourself up because you are elated she is gone. I was the same when my daughter was in a mess.
 
I think she may have a few more bumps in her road, but with time all will be OK.

At least that is the way it has been for me and my daughter.
 
What I did was set ground rules. You live in my house, I can enforce the rules and if you don't like it, hit the road.

Believe me, she realized I was serious. At that point, I would have gladly pitched her out on her butt.

She knew this.
 
I think you did the right thing. Tough love is right - GIVE IT TO HER! These kids now a days (and not all, don't get me wrong) think the world owes THEM! Ummm, hello? What happened to being responsible for their own lives? Why should everyone else get them out of trouble over and over again and they do nothing to help themselves? I just don't get it and I could go on and on.

Stay strong and let her see what it's like on the other side.

And I can say this because I can so relate.

Edited: I didn't realize this was such an old post and that you sent an update. But I still want to put what I wrote out here. You did good. She will learn.
 
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So sorry!

Reese, my kids are small, but my best friend has been through it with her daughter, so I've seen this through with her.

My friend's daughter got pregnant as a teenager, married, divorced, turned into a drug addict (heroin!), hooked up with one loser guy after another, lost custody of her daughter, lost her job, her apartment, her car, and ended up in rehab.

My dear friend tried and tried to save her daughter (propped her up, paid her bills, gave her money) but this lovely girl lied to her mother and pawned her mother's jewelry and camera. Finally she kicked daughter (now 32!) out of the house and into rehab. Told her she can't come back; has to be responsible for her own life and her own decisions. I wish she'd done this years ago.

You can't live your daughter's life. Step back, take a deep breath, and say that you've done all you can do and now she's on her own. It will break your heart to see her make one bad decision after another, but she's going to have to hit bottom (maybe more than once) before she stands a chance of turning her life around.

My friend has accepted that she may outlive her daughter. She also knows that she can't rescue somebody who doesn't want to change. You've probably saved yourself years and years of misery by letting her go now.

Best of luck to you and I hope you are able to live a happier, more peaceful life without all of the drama under your own roof!
 
Just wanted to add my own hugs and well wishing thoughts to you.

My daughter is 15 and she too has been quite a handful. We actually did a few sessions with a councelor because I was desperate to get ahold of the situation. I, too, did a good deal of snooping and even though it cause me even more stress, I felt like she was always lying to me.

She's going to soon miss you, trust me. She's going to tire of living in someone elses home and when that time comes, i feel quite sure your relationship will improve.

Keeping you in my thoughts, all mothers of teenage daughters can certainly
appreciate what your going thru.
 
More ((hugs)) and I also wanted to say hang in there I went thru the same thing when my daughter turned 18, and our stories are really similar. My daughter claimed she was thrown out when it was her choice to leave , and of course her biological father just had to get in on the action too. She's 23 now and a mother but still with the same guy who still doesn't work or even help with the care of his son ,anyway my daughter has really grown up and is starting to realize what her situation is, she's a wonderful mother and my grandson is the light of my so hang in there because she will come around and it may be hard but don't help "too" much or then they will never change, But it will get better, take care of yourself and don't feel guilty about anything.....
 
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