Daughter moved out :(

Wow, my heart aches for you. I have been there and it is ugly.
You love your child but that does not mean that you sacrifice everyone else's peace in the household. Siblings and spouse have a right to live in harmony without the chaos. You have given it your all, she has chosen to move out and be sexually active with the loser boyfriend. BTW, wether she stays home or lives with him, she will still engage in sex. However, let her go, LET HER KNOW YOU LOVE HER AND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HER. Maybe even let her know (if you can find it in yourself) that she can move back in but on YOUR TERMS. If not, then let her make her mistakes and learn from them and you must be strong enough to stand by and not intervene, only if she comes to you for help with her heart in her hands and tail between her legs, willing to be a member of your family and on your terms. She is immature with no life experience. Right now you and DH will be the enemy and thats okay. Her limited life experience will only let her see just what is apparent. Her biological father is her friend now and that too is okay. Once she gets her head out of her a$$ and matures she will be able to see much further. She will have perspective and experience and will look back on this time with regret.

Guilt often times takes over parents and we find ourselves giving in, doing things we don't want to, but then it turns into resentment because we feel pressured or bullied into it. Guilt can also make us enablers. If you haven't tried counseling look into it, maybe DD would be willing to go. I got mine to go but it really was important how I presented it to her. Counseling was life changing for me and the family.

Parents are not perfect we make mistakes also, but remember that you have done your best and that your child's current poor choices do not define who you are This terrible time shall pass, sounds like mere words but one day you will be able to reflect much like she will and you will be proud to know that you weathered the storm with love .My apologies for how lengthy this but I fell your sadness and frustration and will keep you in my prayers. My best hopes and wishes for you and your family.
Booboo39
 
Reese:

I would never describe your activities upon your daughter's departure as "burning bridges." I understand why you are doing what you are doing: our children have the capacity to bring us our greatest joys in life, but they also rip our hearts out all the time once they hit adolescence, sometimes in small, daily ways, and sometimes in huge, devastating ways. Your daughter has chosen to leave, just as she chose to ignore your every offer of help and attempt to connect with her and help her improve her outcomes in life. Once kids reach a certain age, and I think the age is 15, we have virtually no influence over them at all. Of course, this depends on each child and each child-parent combo, but it gets to a stage where you are spending your whole life trying to get through to them, you fail repeatedly, they thwart you at every turn, they look at and speak to you disrespectfully, they misrepresent you to their friends, they disrespect your property, they take you for granted and the services you provide in your home and you are exhausted. There is nothing more you can do but let them go and make mistakes and screw up and fail and make things right for themselves again, if they can.

What you have done is not burning bridges: your daughter has done a lot of burning of the bridges of affection that used to tie you to her (maybe still, those ties are hard to destroy). Getting rid of her furniture, recreating space inside your home for you to occupy in new and different ways, this is a way of protecting yourself, protecting your heart against the pain and the vacuum she has left. I understand that. No-one, absolutely no-one, whether they have kids or not, whether you asked for their opinion or not, can blame you for your actions and your need to protect yourself. You have had your heart ripped out. You need to heal.

In your case, I would feel much as you do. I battle with my 15 year old daily. She does not share my goals for her life. She doesn't share my values. She misrepresents me to her friends on facebook and by email all the time, which, since she uses my computer, I have had the misfortune to observe. But, she will write her own path and I will support her through actions she chooses that I see as beneficial and leading towards something, rather than self-destructive actions which are a running away from. She is now free to make her own mistakes, screw up her GPA, not get into a god college, not get a scholarship, etc. I cannot live her life for her, anymore than you can or could for your daughter.

I would, however, keep tabs on her from a secure, discreet distance. If she ever came to the point of wanting to make some positive changes in her life, I would be there to support and help. So, I would keep the place in my heart that the daughter occupies open, just in case.....

But, right now, you have the right to feel angry, hurt, ill-treated, and to grieve. I wish you well as you heal.

Clare
 
"She JUST turned 18 in October, doesn't have a drivers license, a highschool diploma, no job, not even a GED."

Is there a reason why she felt she had to leave the house?

"She's hooked up with some loser guy that's not even 18 yet and his trashy mother is letting them live with her while they ruin their lives."

Do you think, this kind of talk will get you anywhere? Would you rather she be on the streets to live?

"she's telling everyone I kicked her out and I didn't. I tried to get her to go to the doctor for birth control and she refused to go so I told her she had some decisions to make because I wasn't footing the bill for her while she lounges around, does nothing to help around the house, and screws her boyfriend on the weekends, risking getting pregnant (which in my luck she'd have effn triplets or something). So, she said she was moving out and wanted to move her stuff. So I said, fine. By the time I got home from work, she had taken stuff out, but I made her walk back to my house (which is not a short walk) and give me the house keys and get the rest of her things."

Again, what kind of talk is this. I do think Kathryn is right about you perhaps burning bridges.

"Today we're loading her bedroom furniture up for Goodwill. Later yesterday I threw a ton of stuff away. Then I took salvageable things like dolls and stuffed animals to my sister who has 3 young kids."

This is not even your stuff to give away, again, burning bridges. You are making it impossible for your daughter to ever come back to you.

"She started lecturing me about letting her come home if the sugar turns to sh*t (which, ahem, IT WILL) and I said no. My sister has 3 kids but they're all under the age of 8! She has no CLUE what I've been through with her."

I don't think you have a clue what you've put your daughter through. You are the adult here and there are ways to express yourself without humiliating someone you are suppose to love. I have a feeling you are also very young other wise you would have taken a different approach.

"We have literally done everything we can to help her finish school, etc and she's thrown it back in our face. What's worse is, today I found out she wrote her biological father about us - acting like we kicked her out. She ended her email with "I love you daddy" and he GAVE HER UP WHEN SHE WAS 9 YEARS OLD."

I think she is searching for someone to love her, anyone.

"Last year at Thanksgiving he ganged up on her with a friend and cussed her for messing up her life. Now he's her "bud" because he can't stand me and will validate her."

Between last year and this year is a long time. Perhaps they made up? If he did this to spite you, then he is no better. You guys got to get it together and pull your family back. Sounds like you are divorced, but for all your kids sake, you got to get this together somehow.

"I have so many emotions right now it's ridiculous. I don't know for sure if I'm making the right choices for her, or me and then I have to battle people telling me I'm wrong, etc. I'm sick of it!"

Perhaps what some people are saying has some truth in it?

"I'm determined to make sure she follows through with stuff though and owns this . She has never done anything for herself - she's just fought my husband and I in our efforts to help her. I'm tired!"

It's the toughest job on earth being parents. We have to keep our wits, emotions in check, because it can be a very delicate situation. One, that if not done correctly, will lose your family, or members of your family forever.

"I'm also sad because part of me is truly ELATED that she's gone because there won't be any fighting!"

Can you honestly say you mean that? If so, I'm sorry for you and what you will be going through as a mother down the road. It will get worse.

(((hugs to you Clare))), I hope you do the right thing as an adult. You will regret some of the decisions you made with your daughter.

Janie

:([/quote]
 
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Janie, there's another post by Reese where she explains some of what she as a mother has tried to do for her daughter.

Regardless of a mother's love for her child, I think there are situations where the kid is on such a self-destructive path, he/she cannot be helped by Mom and Dad any more. Of course, the door is always open for help if help is wanted, but I don't blame any parent who doesn't want to enable nor wants his or her own life to be taken out by the negative behavior of a grown child.

Someone once told me that my children really aren't "mine." They originated with me, and it's my job to teach them as children, but once they are adults, my job is done, and it's up to them to live their own lives.

It sounds like Reese has done her best with her 18 year old daughter. Now it may be time for life to teach this young girl the lessons she refused to learn from her mother. My hope for both her and Reese is that she learns quickly. <3
 
janiejoey said:
"She JUST turned 18 in October, doesn't have a drivers license, a highschool diploma, no job, not even a GED."

Is there a reason why she felt she had to leave the house?

"She's hooked up with some loser guy that's not even 18 yet and his trashy mother is letting them live with her while they ruin their lives."

Do you think, this kind of talk will get you anywhere? Would you rather she be on the streets to live?

"she's telling everyone I kicked her out and I didn't. I tried to get her to go to the doctor for birth control and she refused to go so I told her she had some decisions to make because I wasn't footing the bill for her while she lounges around, does nothing to help around the house, and screws her boyfriend on the weekends, risking getting pregnant (which in my luck she'd have effn triplets or something). So, she said she was moving out and wanted to move her stuff. So I said, fine. By the time I got home from work, she had taken stuff out, but I made her walk back to my house (which is not a short walk) and give me the house keys and get the rest of her things."

Again, what kind of talk is this. I do think Kathryn is right about you perhaps burning bridges.

"Today we're loading her bedroom furniture up for Goodwill. Later yesterday I threw a ton of stuff away. Then I took salvageable things like dolls and stuffed animals to my sister who has 3 young kids."

This is not even your stuff to give away, again, burning bridges. You are making it impossible for your daughter to ever come back to you.

"She started lecturing me about letting her come home if the sugar turns to sh*t (which, ahem, IT WILL) and I said no. My sister has 3 kids but they're all under the age of 8! She has no CLUE what I've been through with her."

I don't think you have a clue what you've put your daughter through. You are the adult here and there are ways to express yourself without humiliating someone you are suppose to love. I have a feeling you are also very young other wise you would have taken a different approach.

"We have literally done everything we can to help her finish school, etc and she's thrown it back in our face. What's worse is, today I found out she wrote her biological father about us - acting like we kicked her out. She ended her email with "I love you daddy" and he GAVE HER UP WHEN SHE WAS 9 YEARS OLD."

I think she is searching for someone to love her, anyone.

"Last year at Thanksgiving he ganged up on her with a friend and cussed her for messing up her life. Now he's her "bud" because he can't stand me and will validate her."

Between last year and this year is a long time. Perhaps they made up? If he did this to spite you, then he is no better. You guys got to get it together and pull your family back. Sounds like you are divorced, but for all your kids sake, you got to get this together somehow.

"I have so many emotions right now it's ridiculous. I don't know for sure if I'm making the right choices for her, or me and then I have to battle people telling me I'm wrong, etc. I'm sick of it!"

Perhaps what some people are saying has some truth in it?

"I'm determined to make sure she follows through with stuff though and owns this . She has never done anything for herself - she's just fought my husband and I in our efforts to help her. I'm tired!"

It's the toughest job on earth being parents. We have to keep our wits, emotions in check, because it can be a very delicate situation. One, that if not done correctly, will lose your family, or members of your family forever.

"I'm also sad because part of me is truly ELATED that she's gone because there won't be any fighting!"

Can you honestly say you mean that? If so, I'm sorry for you and what you will be going through as a mother down the road. It will get worse.

(((hugs to you Clare))), I hope you do the right thing as an adult. You will regret some of the decisions you made with your daughter.

Janie

:(
Click to expand...
[/QUOTE]

You're entitled to your opinion, but again, please keep in mind there's not enough room on this forum for me to make it clear to everyone what my husband and I have tried to do to help our daughter. I AM divorced from her father by the way, and I guess I am young to some people - I turned 40 this month. Have you read all of my posts? I explained why she left - she could have stayed but wanted to smoke and have sex with her 17 year old boyfriend. I disagree with what you are saying. I think if she is left to fall on her face, or at least have some of the creature comforts she's accustomed to removed from her; let her work to get what she NEEDS not what she WANTS, and maybe she'll wake up. Maybe she'll go after that GED like a life preserver - and join the military and learn a trade. Then when she returns or settles where she chooses, she can go to college and get her degree(s) and realize all we have wanted from the beginning was for her to invest and believe in herself, which is the truth.
 
I'm sorry Reese777, I only meant for you to see another side of the situation from where I stood and what you posted here.

I hope the best for you. I've had a time with my daughter at one point too. I lost her for awhile. We are now very good friends, but still a little tension there, but we are both working on it. I was a young mother and just seemed to do everything wrong. I'm grateful for the time I can have with her and my grandson now.

Take care,

Janie
 
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maddiesmum said:
Reese:

I would never describe your activities upon your daughter's departure as "burning bridges." I understand why you are doing what you are doing: our children have the capacity to bring us our greatest joys in life, but they also rip our hearts out all the time once they hit adolescence, sometimes in small, daily ways, and sometimes in huge, devastating ways. Your daughter has chosen to leave, just as she chose to ignore your every offer of help and attempt to connect with her and help her improve her outcomes in life. Once kids reach a certain age, and I think the age is 15, we have virtually no influence over them at all. Of course, this depends on each child and each child-parent combo, but it gets to a stage where you are spending your whole life trying to get through to them, you fail repeatedly, they thwart you at every turn, they look at and speak to you disrespectfully, they misrepresent you to their friends, they disrespect your property, they take you for granted and the services you provide in your home and you are exhausted. There is nothing more you can do but let them go and make mistakes and screw up and fail and make things right for themselves again, if they can.

What you have done is not burning bridges: your daughter has done a lot of burning of the bridges of affection that used to tie you to her (maybe still, those ties are hard to destroy). Getting rid of her furniture, recreating space inside your home for you to occupy in new and different ways, this is a way of protecting yourself, protecting your heart against the pain and the vacuum she has left. I understand that. No-one, absolutely no-one, whether they have kids or not, whether you asked for their opinion or not, can blame you for your actions and your need to protect yourself. You have had your heart ripped out. You need to heal.

In your case, I would feel much as you do. I battle with my 15 year old daily. She does not share my goals for her life. She doesn't share my values. She misrepresents me to her friends on facebook and by email all the time, which, since she uses my computer, I have had the misfortune to observe. But, she will write her own path and I will support her through actions she chooses that I see as beneficial and leading towards something, rather than self-destructive actions which are a running away from. She is now free to make her own mistakes, screw up her GPA, not get into a god college, not get a scholarship, etc. I cannot live her life for her, anymore than you can or could for your daughter.

I would, however, keep tabs on her from a secure, discreet distance. If she ever came to the point of wanting to make some positive changes in her life, I would be there to support and help. So, I would keep the place in my heart that the daughter occupies open, just in case.....

But, right now, you have the right to feel angry, hurt, ill-treated, and to grieve. I wish you well as you heal.

Clare
Click to expand...

Clare,

Thank you so much for understanding.

I was talking to my husband today and he said he could tell that what I was doing was a sort of defense mechanism. I really didn't clear her room out of anger, but more because I know if her stuff remained, I would go in there and mess with it and pine for her. Another aspect of my situation that is steeling my resolve to do this for her (make her accountable) is because my younger sister that is now 35 has had drug problems for over 2 decades and I have watched my father operate out of guilt; giving her money hand over fist in the hopes that she would break free - all the while enabling her to continue in her downward spiral. I will not do this for my child. I told her on the phone that I love her and always will, and that I love her enough to let her screw her life up if it means she will wake up in the end.
 
janiejoey said:
I'm sorry Reese777, I only meant for you to see another side of the situation from where I stood and what you posted here.

I hope the best for you. I've had a time with my daughter at one point too. I lost her for awhile. We are now very good friends, but still a little tension there, but we are both working on it. I was a young mother and just seemed to do everything wrong. I'm grateful for the time I can have with her and my grandson now.

Take care,

Janie
Click to expand...

I hope that when this comes full circle, that we will have a good relationship too.
 
Well don't give up on her yet. I was once the PIA teenager and gave my folks a lot of trouble. I feel like looking back now I went thru a period of temporary insanity. I was influenced in many ways by many people/things and that changed my way of thinking. I thought I was entitled to do whatever I wanted and no one could tell me what to do with my life. I think that is a common attitude now days. But also it can bite you in the rear. I also left at 17 and was pregnant before my 18th birthday. By then I had woken up to my mess and yes hit rock bottom. I realized how bad I had screwed up and genuinely wanted to change for the better. My parents also were changed in some ways. They had realized how in a few ways they had failed me but also I realized WHY they did what they did many times was out of love for me not trying to be controlling/mean. They also snooped on me etc and it made me very angry and I felt violated.
Well anyway. If my folks weren't willing to forgive me and take me back. I might not be here today nor my son. I ended up with a very high risk pregancy and if the state of health I was in before coming back home continued I don't even want to think of what could have happened. Now it is all a sad frustrating memory we'd all wish to forget. I have my wonderful son though and a much better relationship with my parents. They helped me get back on my feet and regain my health. I am a totally different person then back then. I hope for your daughters sake she will realize your trying to help her too..
But I think you'll have to let her know you always love her even if your very upset with her... and that until shes ready to grow up and be responsible you won't be able to let her stay with you. Sometimes people have to learn things the hard way. I guess I did.
 
Man. People always ask why I'm 47 and have never had kids. This is it. If she were mine I'd have killed her by now:mad:. But seriously, I sympathize with you completely. You know, of course, in ten years she'll realize who really had her welfare at heart and respect you for trying to keep her straight, though I know that's cold comfort right now. Deep breath, honey. Prayers for strength in the face of great adversity are coming your way right now.

Hey, maybe your CatheNation friends can do an intervention?! We can drop a bag over her head, kidnap her, and lock her in a basement somewhere until she turns 30 or comes to her senses... whichever comes last! Don't you just wish?
 
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You're entitled to your opinion, but again, please keep in mind there's not enough room on this forum for me to make it clear to everyone what my husband and I have tried to do to help our daughter. I AM divorced from her father by the way, and I guess I am young to some people - I turned 40 this month. Have you read all of my posts? I explained why she left - she could have stayed but wanted to smoke and have sex with her 17 year old boyfriend. I disagree with what you are saying. I think if she is left to fall on her face, or at least have some of the creature comforts she's accustomed to removed from her; let her work to get what she NEEDS not what she WANTS, and maybe she'll wake up. Maybe she'll go after that GED like a life preserver - and join the military and learn a trade. Then when she returns or settles where she chooses, she can go to college and get her degree(s) and realize all we have wanted from the beginning was for her to invest and believe in herself, which is the truth.[/QUOTE]

Reese - you did the right thing. I'm sure sometime in the future she'll realize how utterly stupid she acted because, but didn't we all think we were among the smartest people in the world at 18? I sure did, and even tho' I may have a fairly high IQ, I did some really ignorant stuff like get married to a drunk when I was 20, skip college and on & on. My parents tried to talk me out of it, but I wouldn't listen to anything they said. Boy, did I fix them! NOT!!!!!!
 
Reese, not having walked your path, I would not presume to judge. So I will just leave you with some hope. :) At 18 my little brother was a disaster. Doing horribly in school, involved with drugs and alcohol, stole money from my parents, no concern for the future. It hadn't gotten any better by the time he was 22 or so. One day I told him if he didn't straighten up I would disown him as my brother. I meant it, and I guess he knew I meant it, because he started to fly straight, and discovered a whole new way of life. Today he is 34 with a great job, gorgeous baby and fantastic life.

Keep your chin! It can get better. :)

Sparrow
 
This is so hard, and I know a part of you feels hollow and dead. That feeling will diminish, it will not entirely disappear, but it will get to a point where you can clear your emotions and sleep better over all this.
Being a parent is so hard, so painful, but we just pray for guidance and to do the right thing, which is not always the most easy or popular choice.
Stay strong and stick to your values. They are the cornerstone to your home, and a home without a foundation is nothing. I hope your DD will see that someday.
 
Reese,im sorry that your going through such a hard time with your DD:( Hopefully she will 'wake up' soon.
Sending you some hugs....
 
You've done your best, Reese.

She's at an age where you can no longer direct her, because right or wrong, foolish or wise, she will make her own decisions. All a parent can hope for it that at some point, a child will understand that they really are in charge of their own lives and decide for themselves to make good/better choices. It sounds like you've tried to offer her better, but this is what she chooses right now.

Some folks just need to learn things the hard way...and others never learn. This is all out of your control and so you need to do what you can to take care of yourself and your husband.

You're an "empty-nester" now (regardless of the reasons why) which can be sad in the best of circumstances, so whether things will work out with her in the future or not, you must do what you can to be healthy and happy today...in your life. She'll need to sort her own happiness out for herself.

As for feeling relieved that she's gone...no judgement here - I would guess most people would feel relief when the source of daily pain is gone. It doesn't mean that you don't still love her and want the best for her.
 
Daughter moved out

Reese,

I completely understand how you feel. I have an 18 year old and my experience with him has been almost the same. I have finally had to understand that he must walk the road that is appropriate for him. If he makes the wrong choice then so be it. I will no longer hold his hand, bail him out and make each fall easy for him. I truly love him but as a parent, I can no longer allow the complete disruption of my household for one person. I have a 13 year old to raise. He deserves a sane and stable home.

I truly hope she turns around. I also have the same hope for mine. You are definitely doing the right thing. If we continue to enable their behavior they will never have to assume personal responsibility. My prayers are with you.
 
Reese...

Hugs to you!

I know the feeling when people don't understand your situation...every situation is different and no one knows what your going threw until they walk a mile in your shoes.

I, personally, was the hand me around kid and finally leaving the whole mess at 15. I was lucky enough to stay in school...almost didn't make it but my Jr. and Sr. years I made the honor roll. I even went to college.

My dad...I don't know who he is...I do...but I don't. I guess you could say I have a small clue. I rote a letter a few years ago...but...no response.

Life is what you make it...and I've scene a lot of my friends and aquintances get booted out by their parents...and boy...even at 15-18 and even today at 36...I can so see why. I never let people stay with me. I used to blame it on the landlord....but I tell you what, I think it saved my hide.

You can only do so much before you pull your hair out...and it sounds like your nearing the hair pulling stage.

Getting rid of her things...may have been a bit irrational, but I think you needed to do that for you...and there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes burning the bridges is the best thing and in a couple years they can be sent out for repair.

My mom sounds so much like your daughter but she had me at 15....sad to say. She dropped out of school....can't hold a job...sees a married man...is an alcholic and I wish sometimes, especially around the holidays that she'd of done the right thing and gave me up for adoption...anything...

Maybe your daughter will grow up...maybe not but you need to set your boundaries and you need to stick to them.

And hey, If you do end up regretting getting rid of her stuff...here's something to always remember...You did what you needed to do at the time. If she brings it up like a weapon at a later time and she's straightened herself up...there's love and that is GREATER than any material possession in the world...

By the way...I married a idiot too. Divorced him after 11 years....found a really GREAT guy one day going to the barn to see my horse. We got married in March.

Hang in there and hold what you do have near.
 
Reese,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. My friends son put them through what you are talking about with your daughter. He was drinking, drugs. girls etc. He finally started dealing. They tried changing schools, counseling, college( the school kicked him out) - kicking him out of their own home, everything you talked about. I know you know the anguish they went through and were feeling. It was awful on their marriage and siblings. They finaly set up with a police officer they knew a "sting" of sorts and scared the life out of him. Long road, AA meetings, lot's of tears and family crisis but five years later he is excelling(sp?) at a new college, sober and doing very well. Do not give up hope.
My brother(53) on the other hand was enabled by my parents forever. They have since passed away and he is in a homeless shelter for rehabiliatation of his drug and alcohol problems. We siblings have tried to help him get help over the years but it doesn't stick. Just sharing with you two different approaches and their outcomes as I have experienced them.
I have three adult sons who I have been fortunate (lucky?) enough to not have given me more than the occasional teenage problem (by comparison). They would tell you I was "strict" by their friends standards. One thing I always told them was I do not bail out stupidity. That may sound harsh to some but they learned fast when they had to pay their own traffic tickets. We are all pretty close even after those nasty teenage years.
I guess my point is there is no one set of rules for raising our children. If there were they would come with a manual. Our children are all so individual that what works for one doesn't work for another even within our own families. We do our best and pray alot. As you can see from the posts here you are not alone in your struggles. I applaud you for trying everything you have. What you decided to do I believe was out of love and self preservation. My thoughts for what it's worth are to be there if she decides to get her life together but stick to your guns in the meantime.
Sorry this is so long - I guess it hit home. Good luck to you and your family -
 
SirenSongWoman said:
Man. People always ask why I'm 47 and have never had kids. This is it. If she were mine I'd have killed her by now:mad:. But seriously, I sympathize with you completely. You know, of course, in ten years she'll realize who really had her welfare at heart and respect you for trying to keep her straight, though I know that's cold comfort right now. Deep breath, honey. Prayers for strength in the face of great adversity are coming your way right now.

Hey, maybe your CatheNation friends can do an intervention?! We can drop a bag over her head, kidnap her, and lock her in a basement somewhere until she turns 30 or comes to her senses... whichever comes last! Don't you just wish?
Click to expand...

Oh that would be wonderful wouldn't it? That was so funny! Thanks for the chuckle!
 
Hi everyone!

I want to thank everyone for their responses. Even the ones I don't necessarily agree with. This is such a weird situation to be in. From what I've gathered from a distance, it appears she is trying to get pregnant. I don't know what she is thinking. It makes me sick to think of an innocent child being brought into this situation.....

I don't know if you all pray or not, but if you do, please just say a prayer that she doesn't get pregnant......
 
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