And then there were 2

[dss62467]

My husband moved out yesterday, very quietly, not a big deal. He came back to get his mattress at some point during the afternoon, but my daughter and I were out at the movies. I felt a little bad that she missed him, but he left her a message on the machine and I had her call him.

She's doing well, though I'm sure she misses him more than she's letting on. I'll make sure she calls him everyday they don't see each other. That will help him a lot too.

Now I get the fun of doing ALL the household chores, not just the majority. I stacked wood this weekend. Piece of cake. Way better than washing the bathtub.

But here's the question I have...if your wife told you she wanted to split, but you didn't want to split and you wanted her to love you again...would you leave without filling up the wood rack? Maybe he's trying to get me to see how "hard" life will be without him. But all it does is irritate me and shows that he's really clueless.

 

[mommacody]

sounds to me like he was "acting out" by not filling it. in any case, i hope that you and your daughter have peace and that things move forward for everyone involved. i'm glad that he moved out without it being a messy ordeal, also.

you are a strong woman!

 

[lainiefig]

Donna, sounds like this is a good big step forward. Best of luck with working through the rest! We're pulling for you (but unfortunately can't help you with the wood stacking).

[font face="comic sans ms" font color=purple]***Lainie***
My fitness blog: http://fitnessfig.blogspot.com/ http://bestsmileys.com/exercising/7.gif

If you want to give God a good laugh, tell Her your plans.[/font]

 

[story1267]

Donna, more power to you dear. I'm glad he moved out without making a scene.

It is hard to get used to doing everything on your own but it's also really freeing. You get to do it your way at your pace however you and DD need things to be.

 

[aproudfit]

Doing all of the chores can be daunting at first - but I tell ya - when I do a bunch of yardwork, or clean the garage or fix something by myself - what a wonderful feeling of accomplishment! To know that I can do it all by myself...

I agree that I am sure he is acting out a bit and showing you how much you need him kind of thing. It'll get easier as time passes...

 

[Shelbygirl]

Honestly, if my husband said he wanted me to move out, even though I wanted to stay with him, I would absolutely NOT do any of my usual chores before I left. I'd be too upset, sad, scared, worried, (and yes, angry), etc. about what I was going to do next with my life. Doing his laundry or whatever, would definitely not make my "moving-out to-do list".

Best of luck to you; I hope everything goes well for you and your daughter going forward. I do believe in that corny cliche "when one door closes, another opens".

Take Care,
Shelbygirl

 

[melrose]

Can you count it as a cardio workout? - my lame attempt to try to help you feel a little bit better from afar.

 

[Govtgirl]

But here's the question I have...if your wife told you she wanted to split, but you didn't want to split and you wanted her to love you again...would you leave without filling up the wood rack? Maybe he's trying to get me to see how "hard" life will be without him. But all it does is irritate me and shows that he's really clueless.

But, would it have made any difference to you if he had filled it up? Would you have even noticed and been pleased? Was this a test for him? Or would you have found some other thing that he didn't do (or didn't do the way you would have done it), to be upset about and criticize him for?

Maybe he didn't fill it up because he was upset. He has lost his entire world. He has lost his wife and child, and not because he did anything wrong. He didn't lie or cheat or drink or do anything bad at all. You're just not "in love" with him anymore. You yourself said that he is a great father, but now you only think of him as a friend. So now his "friend" is leaving him, and taking his daughter with her. Maybe he feels like his whole world has come crashing down, and for what? Try to think of it from his side. How will you feel if you remarry, are a good wife, and one day he up and says the same thing to YOU?

And maybe he didn't fill up the wood because he was too upset thinking that he will never get to be a "great dad" full-time anymore. He is going to have to stand by and watch as you date other men, eventually marry one of them, and then THAT guy will get to spend all the time with HIS daughter. And now he is relegated to weekends and the occasional vacation.

And you'll get to watch as another woman that he will eventually remarry doesn't treat your daughter as well as she treats her own kids. Your daughter will come home from "weekends with dad" saying how his new girlfriend is mean to her, and you won't be able to do anything about it. Or maybe she'll get along so great with her new step-mom, that she'll come home gushing about their shopping trips together, and how Daddy's new girlfriend lets her stay out late and eat candy and get her ears pierced. ANd you'll have to deal with the disciplineof that, in addition to the jealousy that some other woman is spending time with YOUR kid.

I know that you don't need or will follow anybody else's input, you've gotten a lot of support for your decision. I just think it is incredibly, devastatingly sad, for what is happening and what will happen. I'm not saying all this to be harsh or blast you. I have things going on in my life, and have seen things like this in the past, that this just just struck an incredible chord with me.

Hey, I'm just giving him the benefit of the doubt, that maybe his heart was breaking, and the d*mn wood pile was the least of his problems.

 

[rnyogamom]

I would not fill the wood rack....if he is leaving, that means he is absolved of ALL household tasks...can visit the child and take care of his own place, but has no obligation to help you at all....he's not trying to show you what life is like with out him...it IS what life is like without him.....

 

[dss62467]

Yeah, I guess you're right. I should have just tossed his dirty clothes that he left in the hamper in a bag and sent it with him. But I didn't. I washed it.

 

[story1267]

Donna, it ain't easy. And some of it involves inadvertently tapping into other people's "stuff" about divorce. I swear I had a big red D on my sleeve for the first year or two after mine. People avoided me - even my "friends".

High road, high road, high road. I would repeat to myself. Regarding DX and also regarding other folks reactions.

I wish there were such a thing as mental teflon when you needed it.

Probably there will be many wood-stack like incidents coming both large and small.

Still behind you, still sending good vibes your way.

 

[dss62467]

Thanks Suzanne - the wood thing was definitely insensitive of me, and it's OK that has been pointed out to me. I certainly didn't say anything to him about it, anyway. I'm not worried about my friends, because those that I really like have always been behind me on this one and have been encouraging for a year to just get on with it. He can keep the other friends - they've proven to not be great friends to another one of our friends when she needed them the most, so they've got no place in my life.

 

[story1267]

I actually ended up getting "his" friends in the divorce. At least that's the term I use when we're joking about it.

It's good that you have a group that's behind you. That definitely helps.

 

[Liann]

I am sending tons of hugs your way Donna. I've been following your posts and my heart goes out to you and you DD. It's such a tough thing to go through, but it will pass and you will be so glad that you did not drag it out longer.