Adult Children of Alchoholics...

naughtoj

naughtoj

Cathlete
This is way off the topic, but I need advice....

I am considering entering therapy and would like feedback from others on what therapy has accomplished for them. I am very afraid of it and actually look at it as a sign of weakness. I grew up in an alcoholic home and THOUGHT I came out pretty non-screwed up from it all. But, both my sister and I, are in or entering our 30's and have lately started to feel not so normal. Specifically, I cry alot, feel like there really is no purpose to my life, feel like I could die tomorrow and the only person who would really care would be my husband (sad), I unplug my telephone alot and constantly try to separate myself from others. I feel so abnormal when around other people. I can't relate to them. It is near impossible for me to be lighthearted and am actually considerered "bitchy" by my own family and some people around me. I don't like talking about superficial things and don't like people who complain all the time about stupid problems, so therefore, I don't have any friends. I find that friends mostly use you, so I would rather be alone than be used. I don't need a friend that bad. My mind is constantly going and I have a very hard time relaxing. Other people would say I am very intense and can actually come off as rude. My family is far from normal now, there is a HUGE history........this post would go on and on..... (I am not even looking forward to telling the therapist:)

Anyway, why did I all of a sudden feel like my life is not in my control? I wish I could pack my bags and leave this town, take my hubby, and change my name and turn in to someone else. WHY???? My life is not very high stress in my opinion, but I get alot of negativity from everyone in my life other than my husband. Sometimes I feel I, and everyone else in my family, would be better off with me gone from them. Lately, I have also been losing weight pretty quickly and really don't know how or why.?


Does this sound familiar to anyone? If so, do you think therapy would help me to better relate to people? This is really of concern to me because at this point I do not feel like a good person.....I feel like some nasty person no one wants to be around, but I do not know how to fix it or make myself feel better. My husband is wonderful to me and I really feel if I don't get help now it will ruin what I have with him.

Thank you all for your help. Any advice is appreciated!!

Janice
 
Hi Janice! I don't know much about therapy but DO think it would be a very good thing. I'm sorry you are dealing with this now and just wanted you to know I am thinking and praying for you as you try to find some answers. I KNOW how valuable you have been here with helping others soooo don't think you aren't "needed"! I am thrilled you have a great hubby and I also think that there ARE super friends out there. Just keep looking. Past history can affect us and going for help should be very useful. Good Luck and come here anytime you need a shoulder or an encouraging word or two. YOU have helped me in many ways even if I have never told you! :)
Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/wavey.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 
Janice,

A lot of adults who've had troubled childhoods, go through something similar when they are in their late twenties/early thirties. It is normal to feel this way. It is also normal to seek help. Asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness, but a sign of strenght. Truly!

Feeling this way can be triggered by numerous things, eg your thirties usually means a different phase in your life or maybe something happened that triggered it all and this could be something your not aware of. Even a certain specific smell can be a trigger.

Take it one step at a time. Realising you're in trouble and need help is already a big step forward.

Dutchie
 
Janice, my heart goes out to you and I think therapy could be very valuable to you regardless of the trigger for these things you feel. You may be surprised by what's buried deep in your phyche. You feel empty and that alone is reason to seek help. Your life is being stolen from you. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you lucky there are tools to help us deal with feeling we don't know what to with. You can't run away. You take yourself with you wherever you go. :) Talk to someone. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You never find an answer unless you seek.
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

- Mary Oliver
 
Hi Janice,

I just wanted to offer you HUGS and tell you my thoughts and prayers are with you. I've enjoyed your posts on here for a long time. I hope you feel better. I don't think reaching out for help is a sign of weakness at all. It's just the opposite.

{{{HUGS}}}

Dani
 
Janice,
I completely agree with everything that everyone here has said. I wish I had the right words to use to make you feel better - but I don't. You mean alot to each of us on these boards and have given great advice, ideas, etc. I can't say I know how you feel because I don't but I definitely care and am wishing you the best and I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.:)

Also, whether you realize it now or not, I think you took a major step towards feeling better simply by telling us how you feel. Sometimes it just helps to put how we are feeling into words and sometimes things just spill out. Please keep writing to all of us and maybe even keep a personal journal.

I agree that you should see a therapist - At different times, my husband and my aunt went through a period of extreme depression. Everything you said about wanting to just go away, losing weight, etc. is just what they went through. They just wanted to sleep and often just cried but didn't know why. Finally, after months of agony my husband saw his family doctor who prescribed an antidepressant which made a huge difference- they found he had a chemical imbalance. My aunt saw a therapist after months of trying to talk her into it. She too felt that it was a sign of weakness. The therapist has turned her life around and has helped her work through this "baggage" that was weighing her heart down. Her only regret now is that she didn't seek help sooner. Some people worry about the cost but the cost is minimal compared to your happiness and well-being - besides many health insurance plans cover counseling.


Take care of yourself and we are here to listen

With love and concern, Wendy
 
Oh, WOW!! You guys made me cry! (again!):)



Thank you so much everyone. I think I would like therapy to try to make me a better person. I want to be everything my husband needs me to be, and not just a whole lot of baggage. I am just scared of therapy...been there, done that...when I was a child...albeit the therapy was not specifically for me. One of those "family" things where everyone ends up shouting at each other and crying.:) Never helped any of my family members. LOL.


I think right now it is definitly more intense because I am trying to change careers. I am trying to find meaning in my life. I want to something that gives me value...nursing (my current pursuit), have a child, etc... Problem is, do I only want these things because I feel I am worth nothing now? Oh, I don't know. Well, my family has not been too supportive of me trying to go back to school and change my life. It is like no one around me wants me to be smarter or a better person. I am trying to change my life for the better and I feel like everyone around me thinks that is somehow bad. So, I end up always feeling "bad" or "different" than everyone else. No one has seen me working full time and going to school and said, "you know, good for you". Hey, even if it doesn't work out, it is an experience and atleast I went for it, you know?

I just feel like a big whiner. Why can't I just get over it? My life is not horrible yet I feel like I get no peace. My family drama never ends and I get worked up every time I have to talk about it. I know there is some deep rooted stuff because I feel overwhelmed and unable to deal. I actually get physical symptoms when forced to be around my mom too long these days. Now, that's not good!LOL!


Thank you all for your very kind words. I just don't want to turn into some freakshow. I fear that therapy sometimes makes everything seem worse, and I definitly do not need that!! I am worried for myself because I will be trying to get into nursing school in the Spring and I need to get over this before then!!


They say you have to be mentally sane to go into nursing. I am now doubting that I am.....:(
 
Me again!

First of all, education is something you will never look back and say "I wish I hadn't done that." I went back and got my Master's degree while working full time because I wanted it and not because it would give me a pay raise, etc. I did it for me, for personal satisfaction and no one understood that. I couldn't tell you how many times I got asked "what do you want to do that for." I finally got to the point where I said, "if it makes me a better person or just a bit smarter then that's all the reason I need." People can't say much to that. I also heard, "Aren't there better things to spend your money on?" Well, I know people who spend more on Christmas than I did for my Master's degree! Besides, if people want to consider you selfish, let them! So I say, be proud of yourself and don't let anyone convince you that bettering yourself is a waste of time.

Also, my husband and I are getting to the point where we are ready to start trying for kids and there is just so much to think about its SCARY}( . It's like you are filled with so many questions that you feel overwhelmed. Besides, going through what you went through as a child and wanting to give your children a better life than what you had is what is overwhelming but at the same time you should feel good knowing that being aware of your circumstances is what is going to make you a great parent someday!

Also, with regards to your comment, "Why can't I just get over it?" First thing you need to understand is that life is not a TV sitcom. We don't get over things with the blink of an eye. Everything that makes us who we are today, good and bad, is a compilation of everything that has happened up until that point in our life, it is a chain of events. No one should expect you to just "get over it", life doesn't work that way. Understanding where you came from and where you want to go is an ongoing process. Therapy will help you deal with what you have kept in your heart for so long and it may seem to make your problems bigger than you think they are but maybe getting everything out in the open so you heal is the best remedy.

Also, how is your husband and what does he think about what you are struggling with?

Please keep in touch and if you ever want to e-mail me personally, please feel free - [email protected]

Love and Hugs, Wendy
 
Janice,
Please get help. It is not a weakness, as someone else said it's just the opposite- a sign of strength. I do think therapy will help.
The things you are feeling are real and I've been there done that. My father was an alcoholic- he died when I was 13 at the age of 47. I had a brother who also died from alcohol and substance abuse at 43. I currently have a sister who is a recovering alcoholic. I organized an intervention for her with my family and a professional to offer her help- she's been sober for 30 days!!! I've been going to a co-dependent group weekly and it really helps.

I have learned so much about myself through this process. Children of alcoholics have unique characteristics. Difficulty with relationships, bad PMS, migraine headaches, obsessive compulsive disorder, perfectionism,.... the list goes on and on.

The bottom line is you can not go on this way. Therapy will help you get to know who you are and once you learn more about you it really helps with developing relationships with others. Get your sister involved with you-she'll thank you for it. You probably did come out "non-screwed up" but just need some help to see why you are the way you are sometimes. I hope this helps!!

Catherine
 
Thank you so much for your post, it definitly hit home. I am 29 and the daughter of an alcoholic (though he says he is not). I experience many of the same emotions you have talked about and have often thought about counseling. I too cry often, do not relate to others well and have formed a wall around myself only letting my husband and sister in. I totally understand what you are going through.

Ever since I can remember my father has come home from work at 3:00 pm and drank one beer after another until it is either bed time or he has passed out. I feel like my life has become a game when dealing with him. I don't call after 5 pm because I know he will be slurring his words by then. I screen my phone calls in the evening because he will often try to call and I can't cope with it so I call him back early the next day. I am upset on the weekends because I feel I should go see him, but he starts drinking at noon and so I talk myself out of going and then feel like I'm the world's worst daughter. I don't have the courage to bring up his drinking anymore because he yells and says hateful, hurtful things to me so I just lie or avoid his questions about why I don't visit anymore.

I won't continue with the details, but I just wanted to thank you and let you know you are not alone. I have often thought about visiting an Al-ANON?(people affected by alcholics) meeting but have yet to work up the courage. Maybe they have one in your area that you could look into that would help. I saw an episode of OPRAH that had a woman on who was an admitted alcholic seeking help for the sake of her young children.The therapist stated children of alcholics grow up thinking there is something wrong with them and will not let people become close to them.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this helped but I just wanted you to know there are a lot of us out here hurting and looking for answers, you are not alone.
 
Thank you everyone, really...from the bottom of my heart. I have a "counseling" session on Wed after my classes as well as an appointment with a psychologist on Friday. The counseling is free but I doubt it will really help me since I want someone to teach me how to modify MY behavior and thinking to be a better person (that's a shrink, right?) LOL. Discussing my problems with no real resolution tends to just upset me, but I am excited about the psychologist. Hopefully I won't come out of the experience with ten different diagnosises.:) I will let you know how it pans out.
 
Janice,

Another ACOA here. Therapy helped me become who I am today...a healthy, happy adult. One of the symptoms that an adult child of an alchoholic will feel is proufound loneliness and emptyness and a strong feeling of not being quite as good as other people around them. Until I came to terms with my childhood and how my father's drinking and my mother's enabling affected me, I did not know how to deal with it.

I can tell you this...a psychiatrist is probably going to want to prescribe medication. But, a psychologist or a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) will be more apt to be ready to listen and help you with behavior modification. Most therapies these days don't delve too much into the past because insurance does not want to pay the cost of lengthy therapy sessions...but I would push for it.

I've been reading your posts for a long time and you appear to be a tough cookie. You are also a thinker. Cognitive-behavioral therapy would be perfect for you. Do not be afraid to employ a LMHC, they are usually just as qualified as a psychologist but with a little less ego.

One more thing...you speak very highly of your husband. That is wonderful. Most female ACOA tend to marry an alchoholic. It's just part of the vicious cycle. You were a smart girl to choose wisely.

Edited to say, while I Al-Anon was not for me, I did get help from attending ACOA meetings. I don't know if they still have them or have them in your area. Try both and see what works for you.
 
Yes Candi! In many ways I defeated the odds!! Neither I or my sister married alcholics!! In fact, I married a man that is so opposite of my father it is uncanny. I was quite the weeder-outer when I was on the dating scene. I KNEW I did not want someone that treated me poorly and I did not settle for less. If a guys didn't buy MY drink in the bar..he was gone. Sorry..but if he is trying to date me, he can buy my drink. That was it. No compromise. Well, I did that long enough and found my husband....at a bar!! Isn't that funny! Now, we both never really drink and never go to clubs. So...ladies, you can find wonderful men in nightclubs. You just gotta know how to look.:)


Candi, I have been to ACOA meetigns (Alanon?) and AA meetings. Long time ago, mostly everyone just cried around each other. Lately, I have been so emotionally exhausted that going somewhere for some good gut wrenching is really not high on my priority list (Hey, I can get that at home, right?):). Nevertheless, I have been looking into them and plan to go to one soon. Is there an end to the therapy? That would make me feel better if I knew I wouldn't have to do this forever.. Yes, I picked a psychologist because I really don't want drugs. Like I said, I want to learn behavior modification and as you say, cognitive -behavioral. And, we can delve as far into the past as I want to I suppose because my insurance sucks and I doubt it will pay for any of it. At the very least I have a $500 deductible and the doc I chose is NON PPO. My insurance in fact only listed about 6 mental health providers in the Phx area as PPO..and they were all far away from me. Oh well, some things are just worth it, right?


Thanks for your comments. The traits describe me to a tee. Good to know it was helpful to you....
 
Hi Janice,

I want to also encourage you to give therapy a try. Like you, I thought going into therapy meant I was weak - well, it didn't mean that, but as it turns out I was weak. Two years spent with a therapist who, in retrospect, wasn't even right for me still helped me learn how to become stronger and more assertive. However even at 36, and even though I've forgiven my (now recovered) alcoholic father -- I still struggle with those hardwired thoughts and habits of wanting to be alone, keeping up walls, struggling with relationships, feeling different than others etc. I only realized I was a textbook ACOA a few years ago and went back into therapy several months ago. It works wonders.

Just make sure to find a therapist that who you're absolutely comfortable with. Although my first therapist helped somewhat, the one I have now is working miracles to help me further reverse the damage done to my self-esteem by my father. It's tough, but if you let it, therapy can help you live life to the fullest as a happy healthy person - and life's too short to live otherwise right?

And the happier and healthier you are - the better equipped to workout to Cathe!!

Good luck, and if I can help at all feel free to email me at [email protected].

Joni
 
Your post made me cry, it touched a huge nerve in my heart. It was I was reading a post that was written by me. I did not grow up in alcoholic household, but grew up in a mental and sometimes physically abusive household. I thought too, I came out well under the situation but since I turned 30 and now 31, I think I am screwed up. I too cry alot, screen my calls and seperate myself from everyone except dh and sons. I too have a hard time with friendships because I find that most people phony and superficial and use you for the purpose that you serve to them at that time. I actually was labeled by a shrink as "intense" see how your post is like dajavu to me. People find me blunt and I make no excuses for that. i am not rude or try to hurt people...but I dont wanna put on a "show", ya know!! I feel like a nasty person too...always tense and uptight. I have a grow dislike for my parents as I have children and would never treat them the way I was treated..it makes me question why I want contact with them..having my own sons makes me evalutate my childhood and i think that I tend to become bummed about it. As far as I am concerned I dont think that therapy would help me, that therpist that evaluated me really turned me off to therapists. He was quite gruff ( I did not see him for counseling, I was required to see one because I filed for disability through Social Security and theyy wanted a report on my mental status, (I have a nervous system disorder. I so connect with you and the anguish in your heart and mind. i did take Zoloft in the past and it did "take the edge off". I would like to talk with you more, please PM me. I say try the therapy and see if it helps. God bless and take care
 
Hi, Janice! I'm late joining into this thread, but I want to encourage you as have all the others to pursue one-on-one counseling and/or Al-Anon to confront any unresolved issues from being the child of an alcoholic.

My father is a sober alcoholic; he quit drinking back in 1983 shortly after he became engaged to his current wife. My mother is now a sober alcoholic, who almost died from drinking back in the winter of 2000/2001. My brother is an alcoholic, and it's iffy whether he is still sober; he comes and goes. And me . . . well, you know where I come from.

No matter what stage in your life you're in, a loved one who is an alcoholic can have a profound and destructive impact that warrants careful examination and support from others who have been there too.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Counseling and group support methods are extremely enlightened these days. It works if you work it.

A-Jock


I
 
Janice,

Yes, therapy can have a happy ending. I am here to attest to that. I was so enthralled with what it did for me that I returned back to school to get my graduate degree in counseling. I intend to use the degree after I retire from my current career. Current DH is a LMHC...we attended classes together after we met.

A note about husbands and the ACOA cycle. I met my first husband and married him at age 19 after only knowing him for three months...Yeah! I know...stupid. But I was not as smart as you were Janice and pretty immature for my age (excuses, excuses). I just wanted out of the house and saw this as a way. Unbeknownst to me, he turned out to be an alchoholic, then into marijuana, then he progressed to cocaine. We had a daughter together and I felt compelled to stay in the marriage. The reason for that was the two times I tried separating from him, he mentally abused our daughter. Also, he wanted to keep her on the weekends....that would have been over my dead body (and that's what probably would have happened). Thirty years ago the legal system did not help me. I am so grateful for the advances that have been made over the years to help women in those situations. THANK GOD FOR THE FEMINISTS!

Because I was married to this man, that only spiraled my mental health. I started having panic attacks and that's when I started therapy....on and off for almost ten years. The turning point for me was a therapist I found, through insurance believe it or not. Her expertise was cognitive-behavioral and she had a very 'IN YOUR FACE' style like Dr. Phil. For the first time in my life, through her skill, she was pointing out things to me that were occuring and why I was allowing them. Anyway, I could go on and on. After about two years with her...off and on, I was finally ready to acknowledge I needed to get out and then made plans to do so. It was really tough but I did it. I used to be what people would call a 'doormat'. Not any more. I tell it like it is. I am not the fearful person I used to be.

My daughter is doing fine. She has a wonderful husband and an 8 year old daughter. But, I know because of her childhood she will need to come to terms with some things too.

Took up a lot of your time but I just wanted you to hear some of my story and wanted you to know that therapy can be successful. But, it is a lot of work and can be painful. Are you up for that? I think so.

Edited to say that I also did a lot of reading. The book that had the most impact me was 'CoDependent No More' by Melanie Beattie. Although co-dependency does not seem to be an issue with you, this book addressed all aspects of addiction. As I recall, the author is a recovered alchoholic who also had relationships with alchoholics after her recovery. I believe one or both of her parents were alchoholics. So, you can see she has seen all sides of this 'illness'. This book is probably outdated now but I'm sure you can find some wonderful things on the internet and at the library.

CandiK
 
Janice-
First I want to tell you that we here on the forums really value you and your input, and your negative feelings about yourself are NOT warranted.

Second, I want to say that the most difficult thing about finding a therapist is that just at the time when you are least feeling up to it, you have to interview therapists and not just fall in with the first one you meet because they are there. Dare to ask questions and evaluate the therapist and your repoire with her. Explain what you said here about not wanting to just open up with no resolution and that you're not sure you're willing to feel worse for a while in order to feel better. Discuss all of your concerns up front, and don't feel like you have to choose someone you're not sure about.

That's my two cents.

Wishing you all the best! {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Let us know how you're doing,
Nancy
 
I'm an Adult child of an Alcoholic. I can identify. First, see your family doctor - you are exhibiting signs of a serious depression. You may need anti-depressants for a time being. Then ask for a good psychotherapist. It isn't a sign of weakness but, rather strength to want to see this through and feel normal. When I entered my thirties, I too, encountered the same problems. Maybe because I'd been around enough to realize that my feelings were not normal! I still struggle with issues - but my psychotherapist had me feeling better within 6 months - if you are not feeling better after a good six months of therapy - you need a new therapist. You need to feel as though you are getting somewhere with your therapist! Also - there are many books written for Adult Children of Alcoholics - get one or two - they will help you as well. This is a journey, albeit a tough one, but one you must pull through. Remember, you've got a great husband who loves you and eventually, you will like who you are and will no longer want to run away and assume a different identity. I use to have that desire as well....but now, for the first time in life, I can say I'm comfortable being in my own skin. Good luck and God bless!
 
I don't subscribe to the comment 'if your therapist hasn't helped you in six months, find another one'. That's what the insurance companies push. It took many, many years for you to come to the point where you think you need therapy...it may take a long while to work through your problems and learn new coping skills. The coping mechanisms you adopted as a child to get you through are not working for you as an adult. That is clear or you would not be in the emotional state you are in.

I also don't believe anti-depressents are for everyone. Yeah, you'll start feeling better, but then you have the sexual and other side effects. Also, I have seen quite a few people on this site talk about how difficult it is to ween yourself off of them. IMHO, I think anti-depressents are for people who's symptoms are severely hampering their ability to live a normal life. I don't read that intensity in your original post but maybe I'm wrong.

Nancy's comment about rapport is very important. But, most people don't build rapport immediately. I think a good thing to look for is a 'connection' so to speak. As a women, I found it was more comfortable with a woman. I found a woman could understand the emotions I was experiencing much better than a man.

Janice, I sincerely wish you the best in your journey.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top