A thread a couple of days ago got me thinking....

Worknprogress

Worknprogress

Cathlete
It was a question posed by morningstar about what others around you do that annoy you. The thread took a turn with some posters that talked about themselves having the same annoyances that irritated them about others.

So it got me thinking....what would I change about myself?

For me, although there is much I would and should change, the biggest thing is I wish I could enjoy the blessings in my life which are many, instead of letting the one really bad thing in my life consume me. Granted, it is a very big "bad" thing that I've been dealing and continues to get more complicated but I have so many wonderful other things in my life.

I just wish I would not carry the burden of the bad and let my days be lifted with joy by the many, many good things in my life.

What about you?
 
I wish I could stop looking to others for validation of my worthiness and just have it come from within.
 
I have a habit of getting realllly stressed out about... everything! So the other day I sort of had an epiphany.

I made a list: in one column I put everything I was distressed about that day and, how it made me feel:

-Didn't walk the dog- made me feel like a bad doggy mommy :(
-I have this huuuge project I'm way behind on and should've asked for an extension a long long time ago
-Didn't pay bills
-Spent too much time on computer... ;)
-etc, etc, etc

And in another column, I wrote exactly what I would have to do to fix all of these problems, and whaddayaknow, they are all so fixable!

I made a resolve to do the things that truly make me happy (getting up early to exercise, getting work done instead of watching a movie, not eating that second helping) and make me a better person. Sort of a lofty goal, but of course we are the sum of our actions.

Hand in hand with this comes the realization that for most of us, our "huge" problems are such small potatoes compared to what most people in the world deal with.

And yes, I'm limiting my computer time! Logging off now :D
 
bigfarma, that sounds great (if you're ever back on to read this ;)). This is a great thread, worknprogress.

Since I have young kids, I know what I need to "fix" about myself because they mirror it to me and it makes me so sad. It's the getting stressed about the little things.... it's just so ridiculous when you see kids doing it and I can easily see that it comes from me, so I am trying to just remain calm, let things slide off my back.... picturing the water rolling off of the duck. Deep breaths..... you know! It does make life a lot more fun when you don't let things get to you!
 
Worknprogress said:
So it got me thinking....what would I change about myself?

For me, although there is much I would and should change, the biggest thing is I wish I could enjoy the blessings in my life which are many, instead of letting the one really bad thing in my life consume me. Granted, it is a very big "bad" thing that I've been dealing and continues to get more complicated but I have so many wonderful other things in my life.

I just wish I would not carry the burden of the bad and let my days be lifted with joy by the many, many good things in my life.

What about you?
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I have the same problem as you, only in the grand scheme of things my "bad thing" is going to sound stupid. For about three years, I've been suffering from severe acne and now I am completely scarred. We're talking the kind of scarring that only few men are allowed to get away with, and women? I can't leave the house without being stared at or made fun of. Every doctor I go to feels the need to point out to me how bad they are without being able to offer any advice. Now that I don't have to go to school everyday, I hardly leave the house at all. It's not worth it when I end up rushing home in tears everyday. It's ruined my life. I know the whole, do what you love, don't let others define you, it's what's inside that counts, blah, blah, blah. But it's crap, really, when it comes to certain things. When the whole world tells you you're ugly and doesn't want to interact with you, how much of worth can you feel?

I wish I could get on with my life and let this make me stronger. But it's doing the opposite. If I truly could live my life without worrying about what a freak people think I am, I could actually have a life. When I manage to go a good long time without looking into any kind of mirror, I slowly come back to life and enjoy everything again. The illusion doesn't last, but it's nice when I experience it every once in awhile.

But I wish that I, too, could just appreciate what I do have. It even makes me feel worse that I can't just count my blessings! What I have is not life-threatening, nobody has died, I'm not being abused. I'm in a situation where I'm allowed to sit at home without worrying about having a place to live. I have my beautiful dogs, parents who'd do anything for me, a significant other who pretends not to notice my scars. Oh, and I've managed to not buy a single workout DVD in 2010! ;). But I take every one of these things for granted and I can't make myself appreciate them.

Ok, novella/rant over :).
 
Worknprogress said:
...... the biggest thing is I wish I could enjoy the blessings in my life which are many, instead of letting the one really bad thing in my life consume me. Granted, it is a very big "bad" thing that I've been dealing and continues to get more complicated but I have so many wonderful other things in my life.

I just wish I would not carry the burden of the bad and let my days be lifted with joy by the many, many good things in my life.

.......
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I know you do yoga. Yoga is supposed to train your mind to be in the present. When you need to contort/balance you find that you stop thinking about the unfinished business you want to complete or the overdue report, etc. at least during the duration of the yoga session.

The idea is that yoga apart from keeping your body flexible/strong is supposed to train your mind to carry over this capacity to stay fully present "in the now" into daily life.

This arises from yoga's philosophy that unhappiness and stress is caused by the mind not staying in the present. Even if the current moment is perfect, the mind goes to the future and worries about what could go wrong. Or it recedes into the past and frets over past events. Or it rakes up a past bad experience and projects how it could affect you in the future. The secret of happiness is supposed to be to control your mind from wandering and focusing on the now. If now happens to be a moment of the big issue, you have no choice but to deal with it. But if you allow the big issue to cloud all moments it is because you are letting your mind go to the past or fret about the future. If there is something you can do which is within your control to resolve the big issue, this philosophy says, do it now. But if there isnt, then, practise a different type of yoga. Not the yoga of performing yoga-poses, but the yoga of giving your full attention to your "now" as you would if you had to stand on your head.

I heard this from a talk by a spiritual speaker a few months ago. It is difficult to practise, but as I keep at it, I am getting better. If I cant stop thinking about an issue (mind going to the past/future), instead of fretting I put my mind to work on introspection/options. I then either make peace with accepting the issue or find and implement a way to prevent its recurrence. I am so much happier in my good moments because I drag back my mind to the now, every time it tries to escape to the past or the future. And in the bad moments I find I am more calm because I just focus on resolution.
 
MY SO just asked me this very same question the other day and it led to an awesome conversation.

First off, I was 100% surprised that my response had NOTHING to do with physical changes.....not my butt, boobs, weight, biceps....it was rather a personality trait that IMMEDIATELY popped into my mind. I'm telling you this because I was actually impressed with myself for not picking a physical thing first.

anyway......

The one thing I would change if I could would me by impatience. I'm a very "gotta-have/do-it-RIGHT-NOW' kinda gal with the "all-or-nothing" personality trait and that's a bad combo at times. I talk super fast, which results in my interrupting people during conversations. I ask my kids to do something and if they don't immediately MOVE right then, I freak (sometimes, lol). If there is something I've decided to DO, like paint a room or move SO into my home ;) or buy something, I HAVE TO DO IT NOW because I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!

I have been working on this over the last year or so and I do admit to it being better. I still have to THINK about what I'm doing/saying and sometimes I FORCE myself to slow down. Progress, not perfection, right?
 
nancy324 said:
I wish I could stop looking to others for validation of my worthiness and just have it come from within.
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This is meeeee! I am so sorry you have to live like this too! You are special! Let's start telling ourselves this everyday, ok??

Clarissa
 
I am almost over my "all or nothing" attitude - It really paralyzes you and even when I accomplished something, I was never happy with that small victory.

Procrastination - which also ties into all or nothing. I'm still working on this and it helps to focus on the negatives of not doing something right away.

Habit of focusing on one thing at the expense of some of other goals I need to accomplish. I have to check myself every time I see his happening. I have to tell myself that I can do more than one thing at a time.
 
Nancy, Clarissa and Dixiedog6 - I think women often look outside themselves for validation. We are people-pleasers and often feel guilty when we feel we fall short of an expectation either set by ourselves or others and I think that contributes to how we feel about ourselves. How often do we just not feel we have been good enough?

Gayle - good for you that my question didn't make you think of anything physical! I am getting there now at this age. A few years ago, my weight and fitness level would have been what I would change since I thought a lot of my happiness was directly linked to what I weighed. It's amazing how many years of our lives we worship that number on the scale.

Bitmover - I have two older kids (22 and 17) that I was very stressed around. I wish I could go back and change that. I am really working on that with my younger boys. I think it is really important to show your kids how to roll with the punches.

Bigfarma - sounds like you are really onto something. In the next couple of days I think I am going to sit down and write out my list. You're right, it is hard to change behaviors but I am realizing if I don't make some changes, I am going to spend the rest of my life in some sort of level of panic.

Figet Queen - your post really got to me and broke my heart while I read it. You say it is a silly thing but if it keeps you from living the life you want - that is not silly. My husband has that scarring all over his face and on his back from the severe acne he had. It was very difficult for him growing up. I just had mild to moderate acne and I know how hard that was to live through. Hopefully in time you will become more confident in your appearance so that you can have more happiness in your life.

Vee - thanks for your encouragement. It is always appreciated! I am trying to have the philosophy "God, grant me the serenity, etc....." but the "bad" thing in my life is something that continues to be present everyday and it is out of my control. My 22-year old is an addict in and out of recovery. It has been a battle because it is true when they say that addiction destroys families. Not only has he been battling this, but was just diagnosed 3 months ago with bi-polar which I have learned is a very difficult disorder to treat. It's pretty much a formula of trying medications until you find the ones that work. We are still in that phase. Of course, he is not completely clean of the street drugs. Although he is not using nearly what he uses in active addiction - he's is still doing things he shouldn't. So every day I worry about him just not waking up and I have learned through therapy and literature that there is not a gosh darn thing I can do about it. I spent years trying to save him at the expense of myself and my family. I am learning how to let go of the burden his addiction has put on my shoulders. I can no longer carry the weight.

Thanks for sharing ladies!
 
Lastchance09 said:
I am almost over my "all or nothing" attitude - It really paralyzes you and even when I accomplished something, I was never happy with that small victory.
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That sort of sounds like me. It's not that I'm not happy with my small victories, but I don't take time to really acknowledge them. I used to really take time to enjoy 'the journey' from beginning to end, then reflect on how I got from point A to point B. Recently I realized that somewhere along the line I developed the habit of accomplishing something then instead of acknowledging the good job I did, I was on to my next goal. I know exactly when this kind of thinking started...when my career took off. It became more about money (getting things done faster and producing more) than about enjoying the journey. I've since tried to ease back a bit on my drive and reflect more on my accomplishments.:D

Having people always telling me how hard I am on myself was really getting to me. I'm not hard on myself, but I don't baby myself either.
 
I wish I could enjoy my amazing, fabulous personal life, and not let the hell that's my professional life overshadow it & keep me up at night.
 
nancy324 said:
I wish I could stop looking to others for validation of my worthiness and just have it come from within.
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ditto! i also gotta learn that not everybody is gonna like me so i am just going to have to stop trying to please everybody and be everybody's friend. doesn't give them the right to be rude or disrespectful but they don't have to talk to me or otherwise.

kassia
 
The need to be perfect. It is a real joy-stealer for me -- I feel like I have to be perfect and do everything perfectly; otherwise, I've failed. I wish I could accept "good enough" from myself and be happy with that. But noooooo, I have to keep setting the bar higher and higher... :(

Well, at least I don't expect perfection from others.... I guess it could be worse.
 
fit_fairy said:
Amen sista!! And there are so many ways we do this. I am a work in progress. One day I will get there.
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Catherine - I obviously get that as you can see by my user name:D!

I see myself in everyone here.

The common thing we all seem to share is the pressure we put upon ourselves.
 
I guess the biggest thing I would do is not be such a procrastinator! I always put everything off, then I'm mad at myself because I have so much to do and no time to do it!
 
I'm very judgmental and sanctimonious, and I'm paying the price for it. My older brother died in late December of 2009, and he had many problems throughout his teen and adult years, for which I judged him very harshly and because of which I distanced myself from him. I failed to see that which was good in him, and I kept him away from me because to be close to him at times was painful and at other times was distasteful.

Now he's gone forever, and I'm left with little more than sporadic memories and self-loathing for what my wrongful sense of sanctimony took away from our relationship and my opportunities to tell him that I loved him.

I am trying now to change that. A very, very harsh lesson to learn.

A-Jock
 
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