When friends disappoint you

How about Fresh Direct / Pea Pod or some other grocery delivery service? Most grocery stores deliver now-a-days. Even rural areas have delivery services. Some people just don't have the time. Instead of looking at the negative in everyone, look at each friend for what they are, not what they aren't. Inadequacies? Limitations? How about judgemental? You seem to have a very negative view of your friends.
I always appreciate when someone sends me "healing energy." And talk about standing in judgement (a sin if I'm not mistaken), what business is it what someone calls their own though processes - except apparently for the very self-righteous. Someone who "can not or will not do for anyone else." Wow!!!
 
NY25 said:
How about Fresh Direct / Pea Pod or some other grocery delivery service? Most grocery stores deliver now-a-days. Even rural areas have delivery services. Some people just don't have the time. Instead of looking at the negative in everyone, look at each friend for what they are, not what they aren't. Inadequacies? Limitations? How about judgemental? You seem to have a very negative view of your friends.
I always appreciate when someone sends me "healing energy." And talk about standing in judgement (a sin if I'm not mistaken), what business is it what someone calls their own though processes - except apparently for the very self-righteous. Someone who "can not or will not do for anyone else." Wow!!!
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my point is...there is no such thing! :) If someone likes being sent that...fine...but it is nothing in reality!!!
 
tralaiven said:
ok. I was not going to post here. But I just have to because something is just sticking in my craw (whatever that is? :p) What in the world is "good energy healing vibes" or whatever? That is absolutely non-sensical and non-existent. There is absolutely no such thing like this actually that exists and that can make any difference in anyone's life or will produce any action or change on behalf of another. No one can produce any evidence that this is something either. It is just some meaningless phrase.

I think to say "good energy healing vibes" is for someone who cannot or will not do something for anyone. Praying is absolutely different. It is well documented that the effectual pray of a righteous man/woman can avail much. One can pray to God, who rules over all things and posseses all power, and He will move and act on behalf of His children who cry out to Him.

No offense to anyone, just sayin' :)
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Tracy, I mean this truly in the spirit of a friendly discussion (not arguing with you), but I think you are comparing apples to oranges. For someone to say they are sending healing energy is not any different in meaning than saying they are going to pray. It's their thoughts and their intent that matters. It isn't an actual physical thing that they're sending, but a caring thought, a vibe, a prayer even.

Everybody thinks/prays differently, yet it doesn't mean that their thoughts or their prayers have any less meaning than the other.

That's just my take on it. I appreciate what you're saying about the power of prayer, but I don't think it's really fair to insinuate that someone's healing thoughts aren't powerful and well meant in their own way!
 
NY25 said:
How about Fresh Direct / Pea Pod or some other grocery delivery service? Most grocery stores deliver now-a-days. Even rural areas have delivery services. Some people just don't have the time. Instead of looking at the negative in everyone, look at each friend for what they are, not what they aren't. Inadequacies? Limitations? How about judgemental? You seem to have a very negative view of your friends.
I always appreciate when someone sends me "healing energy." And talk about standing in judgement (a sin if I'm not mistaken), what business is it what someone calls their own though processes - except apparently for the very self-righteous. Someone who "can not or will not do for anyone else." Wow!!!
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As I mentioned in my posts, these friends have certainly offered other positive aspects to our friendship and I've made it a point to state that. I do not have a very negative view of my friends and am not looking at the negative in everyone. I'm just not happy with their display of behavior in this instance. No one is perfect, including me, and we are all better served not to expect one thing from others even if it's a kind act. However, we are all human and are not put on this earth to be selfish and self-centered (although many people are.) We are here to help fellow man. Now, that doesn't mean that at any given moment in time we should all be available for others as life is occurring for each and every one of us and is unpredictable. But, I just can't dismiss lack of caring from individuals due to their busy lifestyle. Heck, we're all busy! However, in order for me to manage my emotions and not live in a constant state of frustration or anger, I must ACCEPT that this is where people are, not everyone, but a lot. We all know the importance of accepting people for who they are. It is a must to live a peaceful life.

We are all so different and can not have the exact same traits. We need diversity to make the world go 'round and I've certainly lived enough to see lots of those diversities. But, it doesn't mean that I can't vent if I need to. Trust me, if you ever experience what I have over this past week with being so sick, trying to care for an elderly sick person, not having the energy to eat, cook or help myself in any way, feeling alone and isolated, you too would wonder where your friends are and you won't be thinking about being judgemental. You're only looking for help. Thankfully, I received some help today and hopefully I'll be better tomorrow and will continue taking care of myself and my mother like I always do.

Bam
 
Bam,

I do have a personal example to share. My father recently passed away in October, and while he was sick my mother and I discovered there are those people who offer to help in any way they can and those who just do.

My mother volunteers for an organization and upon learning my father would be coming home to hospice care, several of the members informed her they’d be periodically be dropping off homemade dinners to the house. And the meals just arrived at our doorstep every so often. I couldn’t eat them because I’m vegetarian but they saved my mom and brother from eating takeout every night.

Then there was the neighbor across the street who my mom and dad have known over 20 years even though they’re not close friends. The neighbor couldn’t contain her curiosity after seeing all the medical people coming and going in our driveway and eventually called my mom the day my dad’s hospital bed was delivered to the house to find out if my dad had taken a turn for the worse. She offered to help my mom but didn’t exactly suggest how and my mom didn’t feel like having to brainstorm ideas. However, my mom did remind me that when this same neighbor’s husband had a stroke a few years back, my mom and dad brought a homemade dinner to their doorstep since it’s hard to cook when you’re caring for a sick spouse.

Anyways, I think this would have been something obvious the neighbor could have done if she was truly looking for ways to help, but such is life. And my mother didn’t care because she had people who were willing to help without asking for ideas. Our next door neighbor helped in his own way by doing things in the yard while my dad was unable and taking loads of junk to the junkyard when I was clearing out my dad's things, all without really asking.

I’ve had some disappointments with friends that I won’t go on about except to say that I tend to be self-critical about it. But I think maybe it would benefit me to sometimes expect more from others rather than put it all on myself for expecting too much or for expecting others to reciprocate in the same manner that I contribute to a friendship.

Also, (and this may be naïve of me) I try to assume the friend who has disappointed me has done so unintentionally or because of terrible life circumstances which I am not privy to. For example, I try to imagine that perhaps they are currently going through an even worse time than me and possibly have pneumonia, a parent dying, etc. etc. This assumption may not work in your situation if you’re sure that they have nothing else major going on in their lives.

And some people are either clueless about what you need from them, don’t know you actually want them to do a certain thing for you because they’re used to hands-off friendships and think you are just venting in general, or would only be spurred to action out of guilt and they can easily avoid guilt by telling themselves, well, she never actually asked me outright to do anything so who I am to butt into her life and possibly offend her by offering to help.

Now you might say a good friend would not fall into any of these traps. A good friend would recognize instinctively what you need and would be propelled to action to help you not out of guilt or just because you helped them in the past. A good friend would pick up on your obvious need for practical help which you’ve expressed numerous times and do it out of the goodness of their heart because it’s the compassionate thing to do for a fellow human. That seems to be where your venting is coming from and I have been there. Luckily, friendships can evolve over time.

But some people truly are dense or not used to getting actively involved in non-family members lives. And then there are other people just don’t quite measure up to our expectations of the ideal friend in these contexts, so they become a different kind of friend, one you don’t rely on in these types of situations but who may be good friends in other contexts (as you seem to have expressed). Who knows, in time the friendships could grow or change. And it does make you appreciate more the people you can rely on.

Oh, and for the record, I think I would prefer the ephemeral "healing energy" to a referral to local social services. I hope you don't mind, but I got a laugh out of that one.
 
Hi amberdawn. Thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you. I'm so glad that your mother had people who knew how to help. When you have quite a few who are there, it makes no difference for those who don't have a clue such as your mother's neighbor. I do agree with you in that a lot of people are just dense and you can't blame them for that. I also agree that they may have things going on in their life that just doesn't allow them to think beyond their own circumstance. I'm certainly very sensitive to this. I have realized very early on in life that people are human and will not be able to do what you think/hope/feel/wish they would do. It's something we've all experienced and will continue to do so. I've always been a take the bull by the horn type person and never waited for people to do things that "I" think they "should." It's just that when your emotions are very challenged, you become more sensitive to things.

And no, I don't mind that you got a laugh out of the social services response. That's why I posted it. :D

Bam
 
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I've found that giving people the benefit of the doubt as you described, Bam, helps avoid disappointment, frustration, anger, etc. It's interesting how this thread has prompted so many responses.
 
Instead of mentioning that you are having a hard time going to the store, tell them exactly what you need done: 'I need you to go to the store for me and pick up these items (whatever they are) and I need them by 8 pm (or fill in another time) this evening, can you do that for me?' People are not always intuitive enough to guess what you want. Many people are very literal and need literal instructions. Its not about whether or not they are or are not good people, its a personality type. Just like in business, in our personal lives people have different personality types. You could continue to stew about it or you could acknowledge the fact that the message you were sending wasn't received. Unless your friends are intentionally hurtful dirtbags(people sending 'healing energy' usually aren't dirtbags.), I'm guessing that is the case. I used to get really mad at people for not doing what I alluded to, lead them to, talked about, suggested etc. but once I came to understand that different people need different communications styles, just like speaking Italian in Italy is more effective than speaking in German, it became a lot easier for me to get what I wanted. Hugs I hope that you feel better soon.
 
Here's the bottom line and I will be blunt. Many people just can't be bothered being "inconvenienced" in helping others. There are those that go out of their way to do so, and those that don't want their normal routine disrupted. That's life, that's personalities, and that's just the way it is. When one is in need of assistance, you'd hope that some of the people who are altruistic will be in your path. I will not buy into the "people don't know you need them unless you ask" idea. Plain and simple, when someone is sick, been in an accident, had surgery, suffered a loss, etc. you ask if there's anything you can do. My neighbor had major surgery last year. I prepared some meals, always checked in on her, went to the store and asked her what else I could do. I didn't need a manual in how to show kindness and common sense to a fellow human being. There are people who just instinctively know how to help but you don't have to know exactly what they need which is why you can ask them what their needs are. I will say it again, we are not all built the same and can't give what we don't have. It still does amaze me and perhaps always will (I'm not going to lose sleep over it, though) that some people have no clue about reaching out to someone in need, especially if they've been the recipient of help from others. (I say this in reference to those who are not going through their own crisis in which it would be hard to be there for others.)

Again I thank everyone for all of your support and well wishes. As with many things in life, this has been an eye-opening experience and I will learn and grow from this for my own benefit so that I can live free from the affects of other people's actions and continue to learn to not have expectations.

Good health and many blessings to all of you!

Bam
 
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BAM said:
Here's the bottom line and I will be blunt. Many people just can't be bothered being "inconvenienced" in helping others. There are those that go out of their way to do so, and those that don't want their normal routine disrupted. That's life, that's personalities, and that's just the way it is. When one is in need of assistance, you'd hope that some of the people who are altruistic will be in your path. I will not buy into the "people don't know you need them unless you ask" idea. Plain and simple, when someone is sick, been an accident, had surgery, suffered a loss, etc. you ask if there's anything you can do. My neighbor had major surgery last year. I prepared some meals, always checked in on her, went to the store and asked her what else I could do. I didn't need a manual in how to show kindness and common sense to a fellow human being. There are people who just instinctively know how to help but you don't have to know exactly what they need which is why you can ask them what their needs are. I will say it again, we are not all built the same and can't give what we don't have. It still does amaze me and perhaps always will (I'm not going to lose sleep over it, though) that some people have no clue about reaching out to someone in need, especially if they've been the recipient of help from others. (I say this in reference to those who are not going through their own crisis in which it would be hard to be there for others.)

Again I thank everyone for all of your support and well wishes. As with many things in life, this has been an eye-opening experience and I will learn and grow from this for my own benefit so that I can live free from the affects of other people's actions and continue to learn to not have expectations.

Good health and many blessings to all of you!

Bam
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Here's something to consider. If what you say is accurate and this caring skill is instinctive, what instinct/skill might those whom you consider less caring possess that you do not? Perhaps it's hard to see because it's not instinctive for you.

We are all different and one way we learn about our differences is by listening to one another and absorbing what's been said. There's been some valuable advice offered here on all sides.

You've said your friends have been good friends in other ways. Not everybody can be everything to everybody else. Many of us are under tremendous (not always obvious) stress to be just that and must find a way to draw the line somewhere. I'm glad these friends are otherwise valuable to you. Perhaps what they cherish most about you is your caring nature, yet you disappoint them in some other way. Who knows? I agree that the only way to be happy in any relationship is to either truly accept the person for who they are - good and bad - or move on. Otherwise you set yourself up to suffer continual disappointment.
 
Well....i have been there many times. From friends and family. I get tired of hearing "ill be praying for u" i love to b prayed for, and if i say i wil pray, i actualy do it..but alot of people will say it just cause it sounds great.
My mothet was dying i had 5 siblings and mommy got very little help from them, she couldnt keep her home after my step dad past away. I asked if each could give mom 100 dollars to at least keep her in her home. Each,said they cant no money i asked for them to come visit some she cried for them. They came once in a while but no help. This while i was helping my mom i had to move in with her to do betyer pay my bills and help add income to hers, i was going to med assist school, workibg full time and military. No help from them, the nurses came ina few times they helped where they could. I had no friends or family. Then i watched mom pass away, she got to see two more of her kids.
Will i continue to help my sisters and friends? Yes.. .i will but i dont expect anything from any one cause ive learned that. I hope for the best in people but i dont expect. That way im not dissappointed. And one day i may be happily suprised.
But i continue to pray for people and to DO something. Because at least im not letting the world tell me how to be. I help cause my creator wants me to be an example of him. And do it with a smile and i have an honest peice about it in my heart.
 
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BAM said:
Here's the bottom line and I will be blunt. Many people just can't be bothered being "inconvenienced" in helping others. There are those that go out of their way to do so, and those that don't want their normal routine disrupted. That's life, that's personalities, and that's just the way it is. When one is in need of assistance, you'd hope that some of the people who are altruistic will be in your path. I will not buy into the "people don't know you need them unless you ask" idea. Plain and simple, when someone is sick, been in an accident, had surgery, suffered a loss, etc. you ask if there's anything you can do. My neighbor had major surgery last year. I prepared some meals, always checked in on her, went to the store and asked her what else I could do. I didn't need a manual in how to show kindness and common sense to a fellow human being. There are people who just instinctively know how to help but you don't have to know exactly what they need which is why you can ask them what their needs are. I will say it again, we are not all built the same and can't give what we don't have. It still does amaze me and perhaps always will (I'm not going to lose sleep over it, though) that some people have no clue about reaching out to someone in need, especially if they've been the recipient of help from others. (I say this in reference to those who are not going through their own crisis in which it would be hard to be there for others.)

Again I thank everyone for all of your support and well wishes. As with many things in life, this has been an eye-opening experience and I will learn and grow from this for my own benefit so that I can live free from the affects of other people's actions and continue to learn to not have expectations.

Good health and many blessings to all of you!

Bam
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I could not agree with you more.
Right on
 
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