When friends disappoint you

B

BAM

Cathlete
I'm sure many of us have experienced disappointment from friends. Hey, none of us are perfect.........except a rare few. ;):D I know it's important to overlook things but sometimes it's hard. I've been really sick for a week. I take care of my mother who also has been quite sick. Only one of my closer friends asked one time last week if I needed anything and 2 other close friends NOT ONCE asked if I needed anything or if they could do something. What is the matter with people? Me being me always has the need to get a dig into people so that they perhaps will "think" about their actions or lack of in this case. I told one of my friends that I have no one to go to the grocery store and his response was that he'd send out some healing energy to me. Now, mind you, I think healing energy is great but to overlook the fact that I was needing some help got me very aggravated. Another friend of mine basically did the same thing. Through emails I said that it's been very challenging getting to the grocery store and getting food and necessities. Her email response was the same thing. "I will send you healing energy." These are people who I have offered assistance to countless times in the past. I'm a practice what you preach type of person. If I knew a friend of mine were that sick, I'd be calling them every day asking if they needed something. I have other friends who know I've been really sick and have heard nothing.

I know my emotions are more sensitive right now because I'm not feeling well and I will let this pass but right now I have no desire to communicate with these people. There's a part of me that point blank wants to mention to them that I would have appreciated if they asked if I needed some help but with people like that, they always find a way to avoid what you're saying and then I get more aggravated. I should add that they have been good friends in other situations, just not this one. What experiences have you had with hurts from friends and how do you get past them?

Bam
 
I am so sorry to hear about your disappointment. I've often felt the same way (that friends don't treat me with the same kindness and consideration that I show them). You are wise to recognize that your sensitivity is heightened because of your illness. Perhaps some people need to be asked more directly for help with groceries or whatever you need or fear intruding on your privacy when you are home sick. Could they be afraid of a contagious illness? I'm seeking to explain but not excuse the behavior. Getting past the hurt when a friend lets you down is difficult. I have managed to forgive but not forget, and I try to lower my expectations of people who for whatever reason don't have much to contribute to a friendship. The disappointments make me cherish the people who I can rely on all the more. I hope this helps.
 
I understand about people not wanting to contract my illness but they could certainly leave items on the front step. I certainly would not want to get someone else sick as I wouldn't want to either if I was helping a friend but again, they wouldn't have to come in the house.

I'm with you on lowering expectations from people. It's sad that we have to when it comes to people helping people but I think it's important to protect our emotions. Thankfully I did ask a neighbor to get some things and she did but I still had to go out myself. It was so much fun, lol.

I'm glad you are able to forgive because that is the key. I will focus on those that are there and relish in their kindness.

Bam
 
Hey BAM:

I wouldn't say that you feel things more because of your illness, that's not the way the causality works. It is because you are a sensitive person that you are more at risk for anxiety and depression, that's the order of things. As I read our post I thought, yes, this makes sense to me, having read what you wrote about last week.

Don't beat yourself up for being a sensitive person. The world needs more of us. Take alok at that new non-fiction book Quiet, and see if yo can't see yourself in its pages and then take heart from the fact that the world canot spin on its axis without us.

On the other hand, wearing our feelings so close to the surface and close to our hearts as we do, it sets us up for continual hurt and disappointment. I have started to practice what the previous poster suggested: try to lower expectations. I agree with you that i shouldn't have to, and neither should you, that people should give more and should be more sensitive to the needs of others. But we cannot change them or control their actions. All we can do is be aware of how they make us feel and to try not to feel quite so much and to shrug off the sadness and negative feelings as quickly as possible so we can keep moving forwards.

I have had to practice this with my own brother. I finally tod him last year how bad he made me feel because he never reciprocated in our relationship, never gave what I gave, and he's now aware. He does what he can though, and he does send my daughters gifts, which is quite something since he has never really known them (he lives in Sweden, we live in the US, we are all from the UK, I see him once per year). he wil give what he can, I'll meet him somewhere in the middle. if he really pisses me off, I will tell him because sometimes you just have to.

So, does this answer your other question? SHould you let them know how you feel about their insensitivity or not? In your case, I might not do so, simply because they are friends rather than family members. They have been raised differently than you, with different values. Also, it is posible that they can still be helpful to you just because they are friends. Maybe what they can give is not practical stuff that you need right now, but emotional support when you guys do get to meet up? Maybe what they prefer to do is something for you rather than for the house, etc. So, if you need a night out, call them and set something up. I am sure they will be available to meet, kick back and offer their friendship, which is support, right?

I agree with you, I don't need anyone's "supportive energy" sent by email, it is next to useless. However, would I want to risk losing their friendship by telling them exactly how useless this really is right now? Is there any point? Might be better to get out those boxing gloves and do Hard Strikes or Athletic Step from STS cardio (which I was looking at last night, have never done and yet it looks fab! I can totally see myself loving it!!) and let the feelings of hurt out through your feet and hands. You will feel tons better about it afterwards and the hurt will not be quite so significant.

Where do you live BAM? If it's near Ann Arbor, MI, let me know and I will come and get your groceries any time.

Hugs of support,

Clare
 
Clare, sometimes it sucks being the "sensitive" type. I have hypothyroidism and an endocrinologist said that he wasn't surprised because "I have a heart." But, I am working on balancing my emotions and it will all work out.

I'm so glad you expressed yourself to your brother and he is able to make some changes. We all want to be heard and I am so happy that he heard you. That is so important. As I mentioned previously, many times people just overlook what you say because they truly can't face their own shortcomings.

As with everything in life, this too shall pass and I will let it go and I'll deal with these friends as I normally do. I probably won't say anything to them but I just may be tempted to with this one friend. He emailed me just now saying that he hopes I'm feeling better and then he continued filling me in on his stuff. I wrote back saying that I'm still quite sick and he responded saying that he was sorry and continued sharing about what's going on in his life. Since email can be a great way of communicating unpleasant things, I may, just may, say something to him depending on my mood.

Thank you so much for offering to help me but we don't live near each other but just the offer helps a lot! I really appreciate it!

Bam
 
Bam,

You've gotten some really helpful, thoughtful adivice from everyone already, so forgive me if anything I say is repetitive.

I'm really sorry you are so sick. And I'm also sorry that your friends have disappointed you. I find that if I set expectations on people, they will almost always fail those expectations. Nobody can read your mind. If you need help with groceries, you should ask for help instead of hinting around, hoping they'll "get it", and then being disappointed when they don't. You're just setting yourself up.

And as mentioned above, people respond differently in different situations. Saying they are sending you healing energy may very well be what they think you need.... after all, you didn't specifically say you wanted them to get your groceries. If I sound too harsh, I don't mean to... it's just a fact of life.

It really is all about communication and expectations. It's not always easy, but I try my best to treat others with kindness and compassion, and not expect it in return. IF I get it in return, it's a bonus. If I don't, then I'm not disappointed.

I hope you feel better soon. If I lived close, I would also be glad to get your groceries for you!
 
Thanks JeanneMarie. I certainly do understand about asking for what you need. In general, that is the type of person I am. If I waited for people to think on their own, nothing that I needed would have gotten accomplished in life. I did reach out to my neighbor and she was helpful. If I absolutely had no one to help me, I would have said something to one of my friends. It's just a matter of learning more of the character of people and again, not having expectations which is not easy but needs to be done.

Thank you for your support!

Bam
 
Wow, what a read! Often we expect people to be as thoughtful as we are. For me if my friend were ill and a care taker I would inquire if anything was needed. Not everyone is build that way. I don't think you're overreacting at all. For close friends I do have expectations.

I hope you get well soon!
 
BeFitIn2012 said:
Wow, what a read! Often we expect people to be as thoughtful as we are. For me if my friend were ill and a care taker I would inquire if anything was needed. Not everyone is build that way. I don't think you're overreacting at all. For close friends I do have expectations.

I hope you get well soon!
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I agree with BeFitIn2012. If someone needs me, I'm there. If I knew you were ill, I would be calling you to see what you needed - not the other way around. That's just the way I was raised.
 
I can relate to all of these thoughts and feelings, I understand all the communicating and how to go about it, and it is so true how different people are.

Sometimes no matter what happens or doesn't happen dealing with people is just challenging and there's no way around it. Some people have a harder time with it than others, I think.

I hope you feel better soon in every single way:)
 
Maybe it's time for some new friends????? Now that you know you can't rely on them, do you really want them for friends? Just a thought.
 
Thanks so much ladies. At least all of us "normal" ones are on the same page, lol.

Exercise-lover, it's not easy to find friends or family or anyone for that matter, who won't disappoint you. I guess we just have to decide what is a deal breaker for us. As I mentioned in one of my posts, these friends have offered me other positive aspects of a friendship. No one is perfect but when one is in a more vulnerable state and the same questionable behavior is displayed by more than one person, it can be a very difficult time.

Thanks again everyone but I would still love to hear more about how you have handled your disappointments from others.

Bam
 
Bam I don't think you are being emotional at all. When you have true true friends that are suppose to have your back then you have expectations.

I certainly realize the fact that not everyone is going to do things the way you would do things but when we are talking about close friends it comes down to common courtsey. If I was your friend and knew you have done numerous things for me in the past then I will be there to help you.

Yeah maybe with your friends you may have to flat out ask if you need anything. In this situation it isn't that difficult to them to say 'what do you need?' The response from your friends seems out of place and if they have been good friends in other situations I wonder what was different this time?

I've never had really good friends that I have grown up with and could count on, mainly because I moved alot as a kid. I have tried in my adult years but I was always the one being considerate of others and doing for others and those actions were not reciprocated so now it is not worth it.

I would recommend talking to your friends about it and see what they say about it.

Communication is important in life :)
 
Ebonynicole, there have been other conversations on these boards about friendships. Some people are truly blessed with complete two-way friendships and having people that they can always count on. Way too many others share the similarities that we have of always being there for others and not having mutual reciprocation. Many times in the past, I have voiced myself to people whose actions were questionable and they just don't own it. So I have to make a decision to save myself from anger in the decision whether or not it's worth it to bring up a specific topic to people. I am looking forward to the day that the majority of close people in my life are well-rounded.

I'm sorry that you haven't had the opportunity to develop close relationships. I believe it's still possible in life and I hope you find some good friends, perhaps when you least expect it.

Bam
 
Sending "Healing Energy," is a clear brush off when you both know they could help.
Good friends are a rarity.
 
JeanneMarie said:
Bam,

You've gotten some really helpful, thoughtful adivice from everyone already, so forgive me if anything I say is repetitive.

I'm really sorry you are so sick. And I'm also sorry that your friends have disappointed you. I find that if I set expectations on people, they will almost always fail those expectations. Nobody can read your mind. If you need help with groceries, you should ask for help instead of hinting around, hoping they'll "get it", and then being disappointed when they don't. You're just setting yourself up.

And as mentioned above, people respond differently in different situations. Saying they are sending you healing energy may very well be what they think you need.... after all, you didn't specifically say you wanted them to get your groceries. If I sound too harsh, I don't mean to... it's just a fact of life.

It really is all about communication and expectations. It's not always easy, but I try my best to treat others with kindness and compassion, and not expect it in return. IF I get it in return, it's a bonus. If I don't, then I'm not disappointed.

I hope you feel better soon. If I lived close, I would also be glad to get your groceries for you!
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DING DING DING!!!!!! This was absolutely my first thought reading your post - not that your friends were jerks, but that you didn't ask them for anything! If you wanted help, you should have asked for help. People are busy. They have crap going on too. If you usually are a rock star and get everything done, it likely never crossed their mind that you truly needed some assistance.

I hope you are feeling better soon!!!!!!
 
Maybe you could ADD some people who know what it's like to be a care giver. There are support groups for care givers. Maybe your current friends have no idea what it's like to be in your shoes. A good church could also provide support for you. Your current friends could be for fun times when everything's OK, and some new ones would be great to have to be able to talk about your challenges and help when you need help. Just another thought. . .
 
JT said:
Sending "Healing Energy," is a clear brush off when you both know they could help.
Good friends are a rarity.
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Then you're gonna love this one but there is a happy ending. I really am more accepting today of people's inadequacies and am beginning to put the anger behind me but I just had to share this with you. I am laughing and I hope you find humor in it as well because that's the only way to stay sane, lol.

So one of my friends who has been sending "healing energy" emailed me this morning asking how my mother and I are doing. I responded saying we're still not well, etc. She emailed back saying that she will continue sending energy. I answered, thank you (not what I really wanted to say.) After I sent that I said, screw this. I'm going to say my peace so I emailed her again and this is what I said,

"Actually, healing energy is fine but it's help I need. I have no energy to prepare meals, go to the store, get food, take care of myself, etc. My mother isn't well and I'm trying to help her and she's trying to help me. I'm frustrated and angry for many reasons. That's really how I'm doing."

Her email back to me, ready for this, was a link to my town's social services to contact them if one needs help. LOL I really am cracking up at this. I guess it's fine to forward a resource as long as you don't expect anything from a friend. This is a friend who was in an accident earlier this year and I called her every day straight for 2 weeks asking what I could do for her. She lives just under 15 minutes away from me. Apparently we're not all built the same. (Just as a reminder, she has been a good friend in other areas but eventually you learn about people's limitations.)

On a happy note, a friend of mine called who lives over a half hour away and was driving near me and asked if I needed anything so I gave her a list and she dropped off the stuff. She was happy to do it and I am most grateful!

I truly am happy for those of you who have the good friends who understand the true meaning of friendship and I applaud all of you who are those great, true friends!

Thanks again for all of your support!
Bam
 
ok. I was not going to post here. But I just have to because something is just sticking in my craw (whatever that is? :p) What in the world is "good energy healing vibes" or whatever? That is absolutely non-sensical and non-existent. There is absolutely no such thing like this actually that exists and that can make any difference in anyone's life or will produce any action or change on behalf of another. No one can produce any evidence that this is something either. It is just some meaningless phrase.

I think to say "good energy healing vibes" can be used in place of doing something for someone. Praying is absolutely different. It is well documented that the effectual pray of a righteous man/woman can avail much. One can pray to God, who rules over all things and posseses all power, and He will move and act on behalf of His children who cry out to Him.

No offense to anyone, just sayin' :)
 
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