What to do if your child is being picked on

P

petramom

Cathlete
My 7 year old son is a total sweetheart. He is well-behaved and smart and friendly, and doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He's also small for his age, slow and uncoordinated. He's tried soccer, baseball, ice skating and tennis. And he's been pretty bad at all of them. Again today he was picked on by a bunch of boys who felt it necessary to tell him that he "sucked." This happens all the time to my little guy and I'm sick of it. I've told him to stand up for himself but it's just not in him. He just comes home defeated and desperate to not have to go to another lesson or another practice.

It seems sometimes the coaches/teachers care, but a lot of times I think they agree with the bullies and wish my son would quit so they could have a better team or an easier time teaching.

What can I say to my son to encourage him to keep trying? How can I help him build confidence when it seems there's always someone there trying to tear it down? His father and I have no athletic skill at all, and I while I take him out to play catch, etc., I haven't been able to tell him how to improve in any way (I still flinch when a ball is thrown to me).

Any athletes out there who can help my kid out with some pointers? I just can't stand watching him go through this.

Thanks.
 
First off - my heart breaks reading this.

God bless your son for trying so hard!! Correct me if I am wrong but he is told by other 7 year olds that he sucks?? They actually say that?? I would have so kicked my son's arse if he did that. Actually my son is a jock but that hasn't stopped MOM and DAD from benching his behind. Twice to be exact and he is now 13. Benched him from soccer for an entire game when he was seven - and made him sit on the sidelines with me and watch his team lose (he smashed some kids hand on purpose - wrong move) and then the other time I made sure he did not start or hardly play the first quarter of a football game against a big opponent (I can't remember that infraction - must have been a doozie).

It is hard for me to tell you exactly what to do. I am not a proponent of the "everybody wins, nobody loses" thought process for the older ages but it is fine for the younger ones. At some point they have to learn to accept their ability for what it is and not give them a false sense of themselves. However that does not apply at this young age.

Is he in organized sport or is this recess or rec? I would speak to the coaches first. There is no room for verbal talk like that.

Also - keep trying different things. He will find his niche. Youth football, wrestling - or the martial arts. My son was in tai kwon do when he was 4. They were so encouraging and we felt it was a wonderful experience. And don't forget golf!!! One word about golf - you have to have patience in the learning. Lots of hacking of the course.

I was a competitive gymnast and track runner - totally uncoordinated with a basketball or softball. I still can't throw to this day but I can give my son a run for his money.

And remember - your son is SMART and SWEET - and that will get him farther in life than being a mean jock. We always tell our son "Doesn't matter how many T.D.'s you score - if your a jerk off the field as well as on it - nobody is going to give a rip" Character is what matters.

And who knows - your son could end up a lot bigger than these kids yet . . !

Hope this all helps and keep encouraging him and trying new things.
 
baylian - what a nice post. You sound like a good mom who is going to raise a thoughtful young man. I did have my son in karate for a while, but he wasn't very good at that either and got discouraged. But I agree that we need to keep trying things until something clicks. I don't think he'll ever be a "jock" but he would be much better if he just had some confidence (from what I've seen of sports, an awful lot of it requires you to lose yourself in the game, which is impossible if you're self-conscious). I also agree that his intelligence (and I hope his good heart) will get him far in life. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to do much good in adolesence.

Thanks again for your very supportive response.
 
I am the mother of two very sweet and loving but autistic boys(asperger's and PDD) and I know how your heart is breaking right now. There have been plenty of times where I've seen that happen to them when they are just trying to be part of the crowd. All i know to do is to keep building their esteem at home and pray they remember it when out in public. Have you tried him in karate? I've heard that it helps build esteem plus helps with some sports.(coordination,speed) I really don't know what else to say, but with time he'll find what he's good at. Maybe it won't be sports, maybe he'll find something completely different. Just keep on telling him you love him and he'll make it through.
 
I've dropped out of lurk mode for this one.

I just finished the book "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult. It is all about the bullying one child suffers until he cracks. It could have written about my daughter. This bullying crap was the cause of Columbine High School

I have twins, boy and girl. My son is autistic and never fit in. My daughter is a total individual, converted from Catholicism to Judaism at 16, quit hockey to figureskate. She is on hold in her sport because she has been diagnosed with scoliosis, we're in prognosis investigation phase.

My son has taken karate for 4 years, almost a black belt, was the AAU National Champion for men's 19-34 intermediate class for sparring and weapons, 2nd place for kata. I would reccommend karate for your child, if you have a choice of dojo, visit them watch a class or two, make sure it's a good fit. My son's Sensei is a saint! Though competition isn't overdone, this dojo has made a few national champions.

On a side note, senior year of high school, a "jock bully" was picking on my son "the retard" in ths cafeteria. Had him backed up to a table wouldn't let him walk away as my son asked twice. My son dropped with one shot, of course thats the only part the three teachers on cafeteria duty saw. They tried to suspend him, but the other students came forth and said the bully had provoked it. At that point "dad" let the principal know that the "jocks can't be wrong mentality" was going to cost him his job on this one. The Sensei gave my son a talk about the use of karate in school and told him that it was ok, defending yourself isn't waiting to get hit.

Go for the Karate, Tae Kwon Do or some form of martial art. Your son will learn what to do if the bullies go beyond words, all he'll have to do is trash one and the other cowards will take note.

Dave
 
I am so sorry you and your son are going through this. It is so heartbreaking to see them hurt like that. I have to sons, 12 and 10, and the older one is the natural athlete - thin,wiry, agile, good at every sport. The 10 yo is chunky, can't run well, and is not near the athlete, and he knows it. Kids on his team tell him he's bad, and I know he always compares himself to his older brother. It just breaks your heart.

You need to find a strength for him - and maybe it's just not athletics! The pressure boys are under these days to be in sports is palpable, and I don't understand it. All it does is smother there sensitive self-esteems which are already on edge at that age. I agree with others - try karate,running, even swimming? In our area there are competitive swim teams for kids his age. Maybe he can focus on music or art or science?

Not all boys are meant to be natural athletes - I can say that because I have one! But, he's great at the trombone and violin and is class VP - those are his confidence builders. He's also in scouts and will carry the flag for his school's Veteran's Day program today.

Hang in there...hug him tight and be proud he's a genuinely nice person because in the end, that's what really matters...and tell him that!

Heidi
 
It is too bad athletics is so over valued. Why does he have to be an athlete? I understand wanting physical fitness, but have him bike, swim, things of that nature. Also at 7 a lot of boys are not very coordinated(and a lot are, hence the big discrepancy). So it is too bad he has to feel like a failure when he is 7, when at 12, he may grow into some athletism.

There are other things besides sports when he is older, scholastic bowl, music, theatre, so he does not have to be an athlete.
 
I agree with everyone about taking martial art classes.
My husband was a superior athlete in HS and college, but our 2 boys did not excel in any sport they tried. Athletic talent skipped a generation or I watered it down:eek:

My husband wanted to enroll my oldest in martial arts. At first, I didn't like the idea. I thought I would have this karate chopping kid running around. I quickly found out that was not true!

We enrolled both in a 4 year program for Tae kwon do. It kept them very busy! My oldest has a 2nd degree black belt(went 6 years), and my youngest holds a first degree.
IMO, martial arts is the only sport that does not have bad habits. It's all good. :)You will not find any bullying in a martial art school. The master instructor would never allow it. They have to show respect the minute they walk in the dojo by bowing.
It builds self confidence, teaches them how to avoid a fight, respect for themselves and elders, finish everything they start. My boys had a list of home rules they had to memorize and recite during belt test. They had to give their master instructor their report card.
It is the best confidence builder!!!!
 
My DS (11yo) is not gifted athletically in the least so believe me, I've been there. My advice is get him out of team sports ASAP. Kids can be incredibly cruel and no one should have to do something where they are made to feel so awful especially if it's optional. Like the others have suggested, try martial arts. If it didn't work at one dojo, try another. The sensei's attitude is key. Avoid any place that wants to lock you into a multiyear contract. Good karate schools let kids develop at their own pace. The key to karate's success with so many children is that the kids aren't letting the team down if they don't pick up the combinations right away. They are only competing with themselves. They learn self control, eye hand coordination while developing their muscles and self confidence.

Swimming was and is really hard for my DS! Coordinating kicking, arm stroking, breathing and head turning was next to impossible until this past summer. Yes, it's important for kids to learn to swim, but it's harder for some kids than others so I wouldn't push it if your son doesn't enjoy it.

My DS earned his junior black belt this past spring and dropped karate. I agreed to it, but told him he had to do something else. We agreed on things like running a mile, scootering the same distance, biking x miles around the neighborhood, shooting baskets, jumping rope, etc. He has Aspergers and like many kids with this issue, he needs a specific distance or #, otherwise he asks "Are we done yet?" every 5 seconds. Hiking doesn't work for him unless he knows the route beforehand.

Like someone else posted, look for what he's good at already. Music? Art? Writing? Does he collect anything? If he's good in school, that's wonderful! What topics interest him? Encourage him to do what he loves and he will become more comfortable with himself and his own talents.

Finally, you can ask your son's school to see if he qualifies for physical therapy or occupational therapy. He may actually have some underlying issue behind his lack of coordination.

I know it's heartbreaking and kids can be awful. You won't change other people's children, so all you can do is help your own find his niche. Good luck!
 
I really feel that not everyone needs to suceed at everything. Maybe these activities are just not for him. I remember one friend of mines son who was just a terrible acthlete at all the sports played at school but became an incredible gymnast. Lucky for him that school had gymnastic equipment and he outshone everyone. I think the martial arts was a good suggestion. As these kids get older these group sports become more and more competitive as do the parents whose kids are involved. I would look for something else for him so he can enjoy himself and not struggle so much. No shame in not being a great athlete--overvalued talent I think. Both my sons were talented athletes in school and even then the pressure can be great to suceed.
 
praise all the small successes he has everyday

What can I say to my son to encourage him to keep trying? How can I help him build confidence when it seems there's always someone there trying to tear it down? His father and I have no athletic skill at all, and I while I take him out to play catch, etc., I haven't been able to tell him how to improve in any way (I still flinch when a ball is thrown to me).

Any athletes out there who can help my kid out with some pointers? I just can't stand watching him go through this.

Thanks.[/QUOTE]

Lot's of good advice from other posters. I have a 13 year old son who was awkward at sports - still is somewhat. He has come a long way and worked himself up from a division 8 soccer team (the least competitive division to a division 4 team). What I agree with is finding activities that will help him with coordination and strength - karate is excellent - something I wish I had done with my child. Another good sport and he is at a great age to start is tennis.

Don't let him quit team sports unless he is just done. The encouragement will come from you and hopefully a good coach at some point. You need to point out every little success - no matter how small on and off the field. Remind him that all people develop differently and maybe he's reading at an advanced level and other kids are not. We have always told our kids that you need to be in it to get better. Practice, dedication - Michael Jordan didn't make the first team he tried out for as a kid and worked to get better. Find other examples of this for him as well. If you don't keep trying you will never succeed. You can't always control the world a really tough lesson to learn at 7, but you can build character and confidence in him by the way you deal with the situation. Having him join karate shouldn't be about defending himself (a nice byproduct) but a way to build life skills - coordination, organization etc. At 7 a lot of this is how you approach it - don't let him see you get discouraged and he won't.

Good luck
 
HI,

I just wanted to send ((((hugs))) to you.

May I ask is your son interested in being involved in any of these sports? Have you thought about a tumbling class? My DD took gymnastics and several days a week there were young boys there and they had a great time. Also golf is great sport. Most boys who are golfers are respectful of one another. Plus golf is game where you are playing more against course and yourself as opposed to someone else. Constantly trying to beat your best score. At our local club the boys are practice and help one another get better. Many golf clubs have a youth clinics. It is sport that takes time and patience.


And if sports isn't his thing that's okay. There are plenty of other clubs. And being kind, sweet and smart are great qualties.

Jenn
 
first i really want to know why 7 years use such language b/c my 9 year old certainly doesn't and i have no problem going old school with the palmolive soap. i think this is being pick up somewhere else but that is my opinion. sometimes parents of other kids say things in front of the kids and in turn they think its okay to pick on somebody. i know kids can be cruel but they also learn it from somewhere.

i too have an autistic child. i can't say i am perfect b/c i do get quite nasty when ppl don't include her b/c of her speech and unique behaviors/obsessions. well i don't scream yell etc. i tell them exactly what the deal, she is autistic,her brain works a little differently so it effects her social cues. and usually there were times i tell kids she is too good to play with them b/c she doesn't judge ppl or try to fit in, she just wants to be your friend unconditionally. try telling that to a 10-11 year old and don't get some flack. but alot of them times she is included in recess activities with other kids. i don't have many i care for her to hang out with in the neighborhood which is why i am so active in special needs scouting with her.

but viola seems to at times be un-effected by it. we show her all the love and praise her and i tell her that if ppl want to be mean its their problem, not hers and there is nothing wrong with her.being different is awesome and that is how our family is.my side is a weird bunch(sure we have issues but we are cool LOL)and we like it that way!! everybody gets an A for effort but as mentioned not everybody succeeds. but you have to get credit for trying b/c you never know until you try.

hugs i know its hard to watch your own child get excluded. i praise you for not going off like i would LOL. i guess i am just over protective like that.

kassia
 
I read your post with tears in my eyes. My first thought, to be completely honest with you, is to ask DOES he really WANT to be involved in these activities??? What does he LIKE to do??? Like somebody else said, I don't agree with the "everybody wins" theory for the older kids, but at THIS age, the coaches need to be made aware of what's happening. The only way to get better is to play more. Town Leagues (as I like to call them) are VERY difficult because the coach is always a dad of somebody else. He's not unbiased and many times, the parents are TEN times worse than the kids, when it comes to winning, losing, and playing time.

How about learning an instrument? Or Boy/Cub Scouts? Or a bowling league? There are plenty of things to get kids involved, that don't involve athleticism.

Now, having said all that, I'm an athlete myself, and have 2 boys......older DS (11) is the athlete of my kids. Everything just comes so naturally to him, while my younger son is much happier playing on the sidelines with his friends. I have no problem with either of these situations. I didn't pressure either boy to do any activity, I simply explained their options as they came into 'season'. My younger son is SUCH to social butterfly, while my older son would rather be social in the athletic arena.

I agree totally with everybody else in that the MOST important encouragement comes from HOME!

Gayle
 
martial arts

Get him to a dojo to teach him how to channel bad mojo elsewhere. It involves learning to be confident and that energy communicates to bullies that he can't be messed with. He doesn't even have to hit anybody, its just in his own internal energy. I know it sounds metaphysical, and it is, but darn it if it doesn't work both on humans and animals.
 
Not everyone should be forced into these types of social situations. I was extremely shy when I was young and being forced into situations like sports only created additional problems. P.E. in school was a nightmare for me. I think if your son is desparate not to go then he shouldn't have to (unless its a manditory school course). He most certainly has some talent to be proud of as others have mentioned. Maybe he is a creative type. Playing guitar is quite a nice talent for a young man to have in high school and seven years is a great age to start. Maybe he's more intellectual. How about learning chess? I just looked it up online and here's something for his age group. http://store.apple.com/us/product/T7651LL/A?fnode=MTY1NDA3MQ&mco=MTkxNTA1Ng

As long as he gets some physical activity, my opinion is that he should pursue what he enjoys. And that's the discussion to have with him. Kids can be horribly mean and he should know that, know its not his fault and also be proud of himself for knowing that he will never be that way.

Poor little guy. Don't worry, he'll find his niche!!!

Sonja.
 
I agree with Gayle and the others who said maybe he just isn't into sports? I daresay Bill Gates wasn't a star athlete growing up (maybe he was,but I doubt it!)...is your son interested in art, music, computers? Find something that he likes that will help build his confidence!:)
 
I am with Gayle and Tneah. It should be about what he wants to do and what interests him.

7 years is way to early to know if he will be good at athletics and sports. His coordination could develop. Or perhaps not. I agree with the posters who say it does not matter if his talents lie outside sports.

Your little boy needs support to find activities he is naturally inclined to at this stage in his development. Unless he wants to do sports, he needs to know it is OK to not participate in my opinion.

My heart goes out to your little boy and to what you must be going through in watching him struggle. Good luck with seeing him through.
 
petramom said:
My 7 year old son is a total sweetheart. He is well-behaved and smart and friendly, and doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He's also small for his age, slow and uncoordinated. He's tried soccer, baseball, ice skating and tennis. And he's been pretty bad at all of them. Again today he was picked on by a bunch of boys who felt it necessary to tell him that he "sucked." This happens all the time to my little guy and I'm sick of it. I've told him to stand up for himself but it's just not in him. He just comes home defeated and desperate to not have to go to another lesson or another practice.

It seems sometimes the coaches/teachers care, but a lot of times I think they agree with the bullies and wish my son would quit so they could have a better team or an easier time teaching.

What can I say to my son to encourage him to keep trying? How can I help him build confidence when it seems there's always someone there trying to tear it down? His father and I have no athletic skill at all, and I while I take him out to play catch, etc., I haven't been able to tell him how to improve in any way (I still flinch when a ball is thrown to me).

Any athletes out there who can help my kid out with some pointers? I just can't stand watching him go through this.

Thanks.
Click to expand...

I don't have an answer for you, but I agree with what Vee and others have already stated. My DH was just like your little boy and was teased and picked throughout elementary and high school. He's 50 years old now and all those bullies who used to pick on him now seek him out for his expertise. Not that this helps you today, but maybe it will give you hope for the future. ;)
 
I don't have kids but have to agree you can try the martial arts but you had said that he tried some form of karate. I would like the others say ask him what he feels like doing? Maybe sports isn't for him. Being active doesn't mean playing sports. He should feel special and find something that he is good at which everyone is at something. I think the boy scouts was a good idea. All I can picture is my little nephew (still an infant) having these problems. It's never nice to be picked. I think it would be great for him to find something that he can build his confidence at. This is going to sound a little strange but what about helping him build a skill. What does your husband do for work? Is he a carpenter? Maybe he could build a skill your husband has so he can feel proud. I know when I was little I was a tomboy and had a little toolbelt like my dad. He can paint things and build with a mini toolbelt and this would be useful so he can be handy and it is still considered manly and is a skill that will be invaluable in the future. He could be your little architect.

Keep us posted on what he chooses and sending hugs for him :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top