Wedding etiquette?

trixie108

trixie108

Cathlete
I'm not really sure what to do here, so I need help. One of my highschool/college friends is getting married in September. We were really good friends in school, but that was 6 years ago and have since lost contact (I'll get an email from her maybe once every 6 months). I just got invited to her wedding shower, and will not be attending. The question is, do I still send a gift? I haven't received a wedding invitation (yet), but I would think if I were invited I would get one soon. So that adds to the problem. If I do get invited to the wedding, it is out of town in a nice city, so if we go, we'll have those expenses to pay for then a wedding present, on top of a shower gift?

I don't have a lot of spending cash, and I just can't float two gifts for someone I haven't seen in years. Am I being rude if I don't send a gift for the shower, but one for the wedding? But then what if I end up not getting invited to the wedding??:confused: So confused!
 
As far as I know, everyone who is invited to the wedding shower is SUPPOSED to be invited to the wedding - but the shower is also supposed to take place about 4-6 weeks before the wedding, in which case you really should have received an invitation (or at LEAST a save-the-date) by now.

I'd send an e-mail or call her up and let her know you received the invite, that you didn't know she was getting married, and ask where she's registered. Maybe your wedding invitation was lost in the mail? That actually happened to me during my wedding planning process - at least two invites went AWOL.

As far as I know, you really aren't required to send a shower gift just because you received an invite, and if she invited you to the shower but NOT the wedding...well, she has clearly not consulted Emily Post, so how would she know if it was the correct thing to do anyway?
 
I agree that you should follow-up with the wedding invite, to tell your friend you haven't received it and are worried it might have gotten lost in the mail or something. It doesn't make sense that you would be invited to the shower and not the wedding. :confused:

Assuming you ARE invited to both, IMO you do not need to send a gift for both events, nor do I think you need to feel pressure to attend either event in person. If you choose, send one gift that works with your financial situation, and send it with a heartfelt note. I still believe it's the thought that counts more than anything else!
 
If you are not attending the shower then you don't have to send a gift. You received an invitation which means that you have the option to attend if you can. If you have other plans or cannot attend due to financial reasons you are under no obligation to send a gift regardless of whether or not you will be invited to the wedding.

I would not assume that because you were invited to the shower that you will be invited to the wedding either. I think that would be the right thing but through experience i have come to understand that not everyone behaves how i might expect them to.

You mentioned that you are no longer close with this friend and financially you cannot afford a gift so don't stress yourself out over it. RSVP that you cannot attend the shower and leave it at that.
 
No shower, no gift. If you are not going to the wedding, you don't have to send a gift either, but I would send a card saying congratulations.
 
I'd send one gift to cover both. I always was taught that if you got an invitation you were obliged to send a gift, but I sometimes combine gifts (baby shower/baby gift and wedding shower/wedding gifts).
 
I agree that an invitation does not mean you are obligated to send a gift. To echo earlier opinions, I would skip the shower (and the gift), and send only a wedding gift if you are invited and plan to attend. If you choose not to attend, send a nice card.
 
If you are invited to the shower then you should be invited to the wedding. If your friend doesn't invite you to the wedding - major breech of etiquette.

Personally, I would send a gift - it is not required - but it is a shower - whose soul purpose as a party is to "shower" the bride with the things she needs to begin her new life together with her husband. You don't have to break the bank to do it - send something small but thoughtful. That can mean more than a large price tag.

Being invited to a wedding doesn't actually require that you bring a gift - you are a guest - invited to share in the celebration of this special occasion. Any bride or groom that feels slighted because you didn't give them anything monetary or otherwise doesn't have their hearts in the right place. The expense of traveling to the wedding, wardrobe, etc - is a gift in itself in my opinion. The couple should just be very grateful that you made the effort to attend and thank you for that. If you feel obligated to bring a gift - again something small is more than adequate - a nice bottle of wine - with a custom label (isn't expensive) and is a nice touch.
 
Whew, thanks for the advice ladies!! I feel much better (since I wasn't planning on sending a gift!) I was also suprised that I did not receive a wedding invitation yet. I received a bachelorette party invitation today, which is in Chicago (I'm in Cleveland), so I can't go to that either :( I'll make sure to send a nice card for the shower/bachelorette party, then send a gift IF I'm invited to the wedding. Thanks again!
 
Stephanie0523 said:
I always was taught that if you got an invitation you were obliged to send a gift, .
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I was taught this as well, HOWEVER, it was also considered an "automatic" that if I was invited to a wedding shower I would be invited to the wedding and that doesn't appear to be the case, at least not at this point. I would send a congratulatory card, and a gift ONLY if you get invited to the wedding.
 
Shoegal said:
Personally, I would send a gift - it is not required - but it is a shower - whose soul purpose as a party is to "shower" the bride with the things she needs to begin her new life together with her husband. You don't have to break the bank to do it - send something small but thoughtful. That can mean more than a large price tag.
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I completely agree with this. If I am invited to a shower, I make sure a gift is there from me, whether I attend or not.

In this case, since you are not that close to the bride and are on a budget, I would let the shower gift be your overall gift. Get something nice, send it ahead of time so she can open it at her shower, and include a nice card that congratulates her and her groom on their wedding. That way you've covered all bases with one gift!
 
No need to send a present if you do not attend.

You should be invited to the wedding if you were to the shower. I have heard a few instances where that has not happened (I can't imagine that!) though, so make no assumptions.

Your best bet is to RSVP your regrets, send no gift and wait to see if you are invited to the wedding.
 
What is it with people who disappear off the radar screen and then conveniently reappear just in time to send an invitation for a gift giving event? Forgive me for saying so, but it's kinda tacky IMHO.
 
I have sent gifts only if I can't attend either the shower or wedding and am close friends or family with the bride/groom. I recently did not attend a shower, did not send a gift, but I did attend the wedding, and of course gave a gift there, I felt that was entirely sufficient. I'm not a fan of the whole shower part of the wedding anyway, I feel it's just a financial strain on the guests. Baby showers make sense to me, but wedding showers just never did.
 
Timber99 said:
No need to send a present if you do not attend.

You should be invited to the wedding if you were to the shower. I have heard a few instances where that has not happened (I can't imagine that!) though, so make no assumptions.

Your best bet is to RSVP your regrets, send no gift and wait to see if you are invited to the wedding.
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A friend's daughter recently got married. We knew she was having a fairly small wedding and weren't expecting an invitation. Then I got invited to the shower so I naturally assumed that we would be invited to the wedding - WRONG! I thought it was very strange. I was even verbally invited to the ladies lunch 2 days before the wedding. :confused: I found it quite rude. I could understand if someone had said hey, we'd really like to have more people at the wedding but are so limited....or something like that. My DH and I even discussed if I should mention that we were not invited to the wedding, but that would be awkward too. We were out of town so I couldn't attend the shower, but I sent a beautiful gift. I might not have been quite as generous if I had realized all of this at the time though :rolleyes: It sounds like your situation may be similar if you were invited to the bachelorette party too.....If you aren't close to either party I wouldn't feel obliged to send anything.

Pam
 
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