VERY overweight nephew - help

spyrosmom

spyrosmom

Cathlete
Hi!! I was at 4th of July party yesterday, and my whole family was there, including my 13 yr old nephew, who I see maybe every few months. And I don't mean to sound harsh, but everytime I see him, he's bigger. I'd say he's about 5'6" and 230-240 lbs. He has man-boobs at 13 yrs old. My brother (his dad) and sis in law (his mom) are no strangers to fitness, they were both in the military. However she now is a dumpy mess who doesn't take care of her self - health wise or clothes wise, and my brother works out at the fitness center at work but eats nothing but junk. She doesn't cook - seems to me (from an outside point of view) that they eat nothing but burgers, dogs, chips, and pizza. He has a younger brother who is 9 who also eats nothing but junk and is the hyper skinny kid. The 13 yr old is also somewhat slow - he was held back a year in school - will only be in 8th grade this yr instead of high school, and not real socially compentant. I feel bad for him. I know its not entirely his fault, he's just a kid. But to see a 13 yr old who can't walk (lumber is a better word) across the room without being out of breath breaks my heart. All he likes to do is sit and watch tv and play video games. And I can understand that, it's hard to exercise when you are that overweight. So I am concerned for him health-wise. But also socially. He says he wants a girlfriend, but I don't see that happening. Kids can be cruel, and I'm sure he'll find that out in the worst way when he hits high school. His parents pretend to watch what he eats - I heard them tell him go switch his Pepsi for a Diet yesterday, but then he proceeded to eat 2 brats and a couple pieces of pie!!!! I know CollageVideo sells kid-aged workouts and I'd like to bring it to their attention, but I am not sure how. I don't want to sound like a know-it-all perfect parent, because goodness knows, I'm not. My son eats pizza too, but he eats 1 slice and a big bowl of veggie laden salad with low fat dressing. He eats a hot dog maybe once every 6 months. He thinks an apple is just as good a dessert as a cupcake - because thats the way he was raised!! We don't exclude the goodies. we just limit them. Their family seems to think veggies and fruit are nasty and evil. I don't want to cause a huge family rift, but I also don't want my nephew dying of a heart attack at age 15!!!! Nor do I want do see him on the Discovery Channel as one of the super-obese who can't get out of bed. Any suggestions on how to intervene, or do I just butt out and watch the kid die??? I know this is long, but thanks for reading and any advice!!

Nan
 
Nan,

I don't know that I would say anything unless they bring it up first. I'm sure that the family is very much aware of the risks involved and potential health issues. It's probably been addressed by the kids pediatrician. You also have to remember that yesterday was the 4th of July. I know we ate junk all day long. Is that our typical diet? No, but nobody else would know that based on what they saw over the holiday.

I don't think the collage workouts would appeal to any kids but DDR and other interactive/physical games would. You might consider one of those as a gift. I think DDR is available for most systems except Game Cube. I know the Wii will be coming out with a version also. The Wii does have more interactive games other than DDR than some of the others also. The eye toy games also are physical but it doesn't always work real well (according to my teenage daughter). My daughter is not overweight but she is not athletic at all and DDR is her exercise. That may be more than what you would want to spend for a present though.

Diana
 
I like the DDR idea. But I think he only has a GameCube. My hubby's a gamer so he would know if anything similar is available for the Cube. I know most of us (myself included) ate alot of crud yesterday. However its not just at picnic time. We've had them spend the night before, breakfast and dinner included. Won't eat grilled chicken, pork chops, baked beans, broccoli. At Christmas, won't eat turkey, green beans, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes. but of course will eat bread with tons of butter and dessert. I've heard both kids say, they only like hot dogs, burger, pizza, chips. And of course kids will be kids and you can't necassarily fault them for how they were raised, but it just hurts me to see him like that. A 13 yr old boy should be running and playing with his friends not barely able to tie his shoes or stand up off the floor. It's just that when I see him, he doesn't look like happy kid, and that's what really hurts. I'm afraid he's going to get really teased and picked on in high school too. I was never in the "in" crowd in high school nor was I in the "dorky" crowd either, I kinda hung in the middle, but I saw (and didn't try to prevent - I was young) how the "dorky" or "not cool" kids were treated, and it wasn't nice. I can't imagine its got any better. His birthday's passed this year, but I think I will look into something DDR-like for Christmas. Thanks!!
 
Nan,
Why not talk to your brother as gently as possible about your concerns? It sounds like they are all in a bad cycle...who knows, they might be receptive to changing their habits but don't know where to start. I would offer my help once, and then leave the ball in their court. If they don't want to take it, that is on them. At least you can say you tried.

Good luck!
Cathy :)

"I always loved running...You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs."
-Jesse Owens
 
that is a touching subject,esp. as you say they should know better. i don't know about brining it up unless they make comments. my MIL makes comments about herself and i try to bring up the whole fitness/eating right spectrum. she knows what she has to do but has excuses why she doesn't do it. i think if they know better they know what has to be done, they just have to stop fooling themselves, and no matter what you say, they have to make the change. i don't think they are blind as to what the problem is, they just have excuses as to why they can't do anything about it.

kassia

http://www.picturetrail.com/ldy_solana

"And do what thee wilt as long as ye harm none"

http://images.meez.com/user03/06/01/04/060104_10010099873.gif
 
Hi Nan
It's really nice of you to want to help your nephew. High School can be a very ugly place for kids who are perceived as less than perfect.
You mentioned your nephew was held back and is awkward socially. There may be connection between this and his dislike of physical activity. He's probably turning to food for comfort because he feels so out of place among his peers. Vicious cycle, right?

My son (almost 10) has an veritable alphabet soup of learning/social issues, hypersensitive hearing and really dislikes sports. This is a VERY common connection. Not universal, but more common than you'd think. I know some ADD/ ADHD kids do great with sports--really helps them. But, those with other issues (or those who have ADD/ ADHD in addition to other issues--like my son) have a much harder time with athletics. This can be due to low muscle tone which is difficult to overcome.

My son isn't overweight (the opposite, in fact) and We had the best luck with karate and biking. Both individually based, low impact, and improvement comes pretty quickly, which is good for their self esteem. I also have him do "cardio blast intervals" from Cathe tapes like drill max and kickmax to help with his stamina and cardio capacity. I added these workouts because Newsweek had a great article about how cardiovascular exercise can re-wire the brain.

What do you think of Weight Training videos for your nephew? If he sees that he can succeed in something athletic, he will build his confidence while he builds some muscle. Beginner/Intermediate kickboxing videos is another thought if karate classes would be too pricey. My kids also like the DDR, but don't do it nearly long enough to get an actual workout.

You might want to find out more about your nephew's learning issues, if your brother is aware of any. Good luck!


Jonahnah
Chocolate IS the answer, regardless of the question.
 
Nan

I don't know if you've had a chance to see the new Shaq's Big Challenge show but your nephew sounds exactly like the kids on the show. If you can get your brother and his family to watch the show, they may see themselves and choose to make a change. One thing that is pretty obvious is that these kids don't stand a chance if their parents are not behind them 100%. I really like the program, I was truely shocked at the fact that these kids are so unhealthy at such an early age. They also make a point of informing the viewer that this is an epidemic and we all need to care about it. These kids have a very tough battle ahead of them - I know they really don't understand how unhealthy they are. I hope this show can show families a change is needed and these kids can't do it all on their own. Good luck with your brothers family, one honest question to ask is where do you see your family in two years? five years?

Diane
 
Your message mirrors my exact thoughts about the Shaq show, and especially this comment: "One thing that is pretty obvious is that these kids don't stand a chance if their parents are not behind them 100%." You nephew is not in charge of buying the food, which is a HUGE handicap. I hope you do talk to your brother about this - I feel really bad for kids like your nephew. Best of luck to you.
 
My son was overweight for a while. We got a membership to a pool one summer and he lost a lot of it. Plus I made sure he ate as healthy as possible. The trick is finding something active that they love to do. If you make them do something they hate, they could be turned off towards fitness forever. I really feel for this boy. I can't understand how parents can let their children gain so much weight. If they don't know what to do, they can ask a doctor. When my son was overweight, it didn't have anything to do with what he looked like but how unhealthy it was. I pictured him having health problems early in life, possibly dying early and that's all it took. Good luck!
 
I guess it depends upon your relationship with your brother. On certain subjects, being direct, IMO, and I have a big mouth. If it was my brother, I would actually never have even gotten as far as you have (again, I have a big mouth). I would just sit my brother down and talk to him directly. His child's life is at stake.
 
Does your brother have any pets? Specifically, dogs? I ask because I find that walking the dogs with my kids is a wonderful way to not only get exercise together (ok, it's not hard-core cardio, but still)... it's also a great opportunity to TALK. If your brother walks with your nephew for 45 mins to an hour, maybe he'll also get a chance to try to better understand if there are any emotional issues leading to overeating. If they don't have a dog, and you do, maybe you can invite your nephew to walk the dog with you!:) Just an idea of how your newphew can begin to get into more physical pursuits.
 
My son, at age 14, wanted to change and lost over 50 pounds by running and watching what he ate. He was determined and now he is 6 ft., 157 lbs and buff. No one recognizes him. You have to really want it and a supportive family helps.

I think video workouts would be too embarassing for him to do. the perfect scenario would be for another kid to start running with him. this is a great time for him to start doing this since puberty seems to make it easier since he will be growing taller.

Somehow that kid needs to get off the couch and go outside. maybe you could invite him on some sort of outdoor outing with his family and get them interested in some sort of physical activity.

I don't know, but my heart breaks for him.
 
I think it would really depend on your relationship with your brother. With my brother, I don't have a problem stepping in and saying something, but he rarely listens to me. And if they aren't going to listen, you are only going to be wasting your breath and your time. Now, if he or your nephew comes to you for advice, feel free to advise away. But keep in mind that "too much" could be overwhelming and defeat the purpose by psyching them out before they even get started.

This is a tough call, because it's hard to stand by and watch someone you love destroying themselves. But you have to remember, that even you lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink. The horse has to want to drink before it will. Same with your nephew.
 
Ok, here are my thoughts on this one, if you want them. Because this is a serious issue, life or death really, I would say something to your brother and his wife, in private. Make sure that your nephew is NOT around, as this could possibly hurt him badly, I'm sure he's aware of his weight issue.
Maybe approach it as you have something that you have to talk to them about, and would like to go somewhere, not out to dinner, maybe a park, or something where you can sit them down. Then very gently say that you've noticed that your nephews weight is at an unhealthy place and you would like to help them get it under control. Be sure to mention that you are only doing this as it truely is a life or death situation. He could get diabetes, heart disease, you know all this stuff though. Tell them that you want to help. Don't just point it out and point the finger and walk away. If you approach it as concern, and say you want to help I think they would take it better than if they felt they where be getting attacked by the fit skinny sister, ya know.
I always feel that if you are concerned about a family members well being that you should say something. Always out of concern and that you want to help. Never out of anger, or judgement.
Good Luck! Your nephew is lucky he has such a caring aunt.

Kathy
 
I'm so glad you posted this. It sounds like my nephew to a T! I too have wondered how I can help. Both this parents are overweight and unhealthy. I really don't think they know HOW to get healthy. I don't think they concern themselves with this issue. His dad is certainly more willing to get healthy the his mom (who just sits around and smokes all day) but he is not overly motivated to change either. Actually, she has been gone for about a year and just quit her truck driving job. Ummmmm...what kind of mom just leaves her family and her 13 yo son to go intra-state truck driving? Oops, sorry - that's another can-o-worms.

Anyways.....I have just had a talk with my 12 yo son to bring up this issue with my nephew to see if he would be willing to learn how to eat properly and how to exercise to lose weight. I thought if he talked about it with a kid his own age, he might not be so embarrassed and might be more willing to explore the idea. If he doesn't want to do it, I really don't see how I can help him. It has to start from within and definitely needs parental support. But, at 13, he needs to learn the tools to be able to make better choices in his own life and it's obvious that his parents are not gonna go there with him. I'm sure I could spend some time with him since his parents are not around much and now he spends most of his time at grandmas house anyways. If I can get him on-board with the idea, I'll talk to his parents next.

I love the idea of a pet! It's a great idea to strengthen social skills, provide a safe emotional support, and can serve as a good source of exercise. Great idea if it is feasible in their situation.

Angie
 
Thanks everybody!! It appears the consensus is that I ought to say something. Tact, sensitivity, and subtly are not my strong points, I'm more of a bull-in-a-china-store personality. So I think I will write a letter outlining my concerns, and have hubby proof read it. It will stop any extra emotional outbursts. I think I will include suggestions to them as well, such as the DDR and dog walking - they have 2 a 14 yr old dog and a new puppy. My biggest concerns are the health issues. Cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and cancer all run in the family. We must come from the shallow end of the gene pool!! I hope that by having hubby proof read it, I can come of more logical and caring than overbearing and know it all-ish. Thanks A LOT everyone!!

Nan
 
Nan,
Personally, I think you would be better off talking to your brother face-to-face. Since a letter doesn't allow him to hear the tone of your voice and see your facial expression, it could so easily lead to misinterpretation. And then it's there in writing, forever. Writing the letter beforehand with DH's input might be a good idea to gather your thoughts, but IMO, a face-to-face talk is always best.

Cathy :)
 
I have been watching this thread, and it is a very difficult situation. First of all, I guarantee the parents are very aware of this kids situation, and are probably worried about it. Especially if they themselves have weight issues. Your sister in law is very aware that she is a "dumpy mess", and probably very aware that you think that of her. You need to be very careful not to be sanctimonious about it. The last thing she wants is her son to be overweight like her, I bet money on that.

If you have a good enough relationship, gently talk to your brother, maybe taking the approach of finding out if there is some health reasons(afterall, the brother is thin), and offer help. Not sure what you can do to help, because this would need to come from the kid himself and the home. When a person loses weight, especially large amounts, it takes a tremendous drive from within. If he does not have that, he will not make it.

There was an article in our newspaper's health section about how the fight against obesity in kids. It sited 7 years of programs in the schools to educate and teach the kids how to eat correctly, and exercise.....and that it has done no good because the kids don't like the healthy food, would rather eat the junk. It said that if the kids taste buds are not trained by puberty to eat the good stuff, that it is much harder to get them to change. That if this is not enforced by the parents, the schools have real difficulty changing it. It also noted that the food that is not as healthy for us is actually the cheaper food, and for people on a budget, it is difficult to include fruits and veggies and lean meats. For those of us in states that have cold winters, this is real true. The price of good healthy foods far exceed the cost of the junk and easy to make stuff, and even Mcdonalds(thank goodness my kids have even ceased to desire this).
 
Childhood obesity is so sad. It bothers me like crazy since I see it all the time. I am a teacher.

Parents need to buy healthy foods for their kids, and not allow them to eat too much junk! I know that healthier food is more expensive, but in the long run, it will keep us in good shape!

Kids need to get outside more. Everything is video games, DVD's, and computers. I hope this changes someday!

Good luck Nan with your nephew. I pray for his health.





"Life is short so be the best you can be every day of your life!" :)

"Running feels great for my soul!" :)

:) CHEETAH :)
 
Nan, I don't have any good advice, but I just wanted to say that I feel for your predicament. I can tell how much you care about your nephew, and I know how hard it must be to watch him go through this. Just sending you some hugs.

(I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but my parents were kind of health-food nazis and as soon as I was old enough to drive, I dove head first into junk food, became obese and didn't come up for air for many years. So, in a way all that healthy eating kind of back-fired with me. But of course that was the other extreme. There is a middle ground.)
 
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