Unsupportive friends/family??

[caseysmomgo]

How do you guys handle friends/family who make snarky comments about your healthy eating and fitness habits?

I try to eat healthy, but I'm not by any means obsessive about it, but it seems like my one friend and also my sister, always make comments about my healthy food choices when we're out. They also make comments about what may appear to them to be "excessive" exercising (I do STS and cardio but nothing extreme...) My weight also seems to bug them...I'm 53, 5'1" and weigh 119, so I'm not exactly a stick figure, but I look slim and healthy. I haven't lost any weight since January, but I have lost inches, (thanks Cathe!)and the other day my sis said, "So how much MORE weight have you lost?" In the last year and a half I lost maybe 15 lbs, so it's not like I've been losing TONS of weight...

I feel better than I ever have, and I get discouraged when I have to constantly defend my healthy choices. I never know how to respond to them when they make comments, and although I'd like to be snippy, I try to bite my tongue. They're both the most wonderful gals in all other areas... Are they just trying to make me feel bad to compensate for their own lack of healthy choices? Has anyone else had to cope with this? Thanks for letting me vent....

Denise

 

[Beavs]

Yes, they are trying to make you feel bad (although they probably don't realize it) and they can only get away with it if you let them. They feel bad about themselves and know they should be taking the same care so they feel guilty. You can wear earplugs and smile a lot or switch the topic and ask them how those greasy nachos covered in the fake cheese taste and pass them the heartburn pills. Kudos to you for being slim and sassy

 

[Reese777]

[Are they just trying to make me feel bad to compensate for their own lack of healthy choices? Has anyone else had to cope with this? Thanks for letting me vent....

Denise[/QUOTE]

Hi Denise,

I don't think they are necessarily trying to make you feel bad as much as they feel conviction because of their own life choices. When they see you doing this and actually "making it work" then their excuses for not doing it themselves are staring them in the face.

When i was on the bandwagon I had relatives that really gave me a hard time. They said I was obsessed and that I did not have my religious priorities straight because I was making exercise a "god" (I exercised 1 hour a day FIVE days a week! Hardly obsessive!). The problem was, she felt poorly about herself and wanted to demonize what I was doing because it made her feel better about herself.

Now that i've fallen head first OFF the wagon, I've gained 30-40 lbs, my own daughter and mother never pass up an opportunity to tell me how fat I am! I can't win!

Don't let them get you down. And don't feel you have to defend yourself. Just smile and change the subject. You'll out live all of them too!

 

[dania]

Oh jealousy, jealousy! You keep doing what you're doing. Your results are speaking for themselves, and for those of us who speak the language of health and fitness, you are an inspiration! To some people who aren't ready to face their own issues with food/fitness, you may remind them of their own inadequacies. But keep being the example, and when they're ready to change their lives, they'll know who to go to for help. Listen to your gut - trust yourself, and be proud of the results you worked so hard for. Other people's words don't matter when you know you're doing the right thing.

 

[LauraMax]

Are they just trying to make me feel bad to compensate for their own lack of healthy choices? Has anyone else had to cope with this? Thanks for letting me vent....

Denise

Actually, I think they are. Misery loves company. People who lack the discipline to exercise & eat right try to drag those who do down with them.

Just ignore them.

 

[MAYNARDSMOM]

They apparently do not have the self discipline you have. Tell them "If you don't take care of your body , your body won't take care of you"
I occassionaly get a few remarks from the in laws. We just had a family picnic where I took whole grain brownies - they are really yummy!! MIL says "OH, guess I'm not eating those" I told her they were good & tried not to let it bother me. It is very frustrating when you're in a group of people & are the only one who "get it"!!!

 

[LaughingWater]

Everyone in my social circle is used to my fitness habits, so I don't have much of a problem anymore thankfully. But I did hear about it way back in the beginning.

I agree with the responses you've received. I think when we say, "Oh, I like to exercise," some people think they hear, "I exercise, you don't, which means I'm better than you."

You could substitute any facet of your lifestyle and get a similar reaction from certain individuals:

"I attend Church regularly." becomes "I attend Church, I'm going to Heaven, and you're screwed."

"I'm no longer Catholic and don't attend Church." is "I quit Catholicism, I think it's stupid, and now I think you're stupid for continuing to worship in such a fashion."

"I'll pray for you." can be "Listen, you're damned. But benevolent soul that I am, I'll do my best to put in a good word for you."

"My children don't drink soda." depending on how sensitive you are that day might sound like "Judging by the crap you give your kids, it's obvious I'm a much better parent than you."

"We homeschool" is often "We're weird, we hate regular school and all teachers, our kids are much smarter than yours, and we're simply more dedicated to our children."

It's human to mix up what you actually hear with how you're feeling inside, which many times results in a goofy, unpleasant hybrid of the two. I've caught myself doing it and have had to remind myself to not read more into a comment than necessary.

Don't get discouraged. See those comments for what they really are, continue to be kind, and remember we think you're pretty awesome. Feel free to vent any time.

 

[Shannon_B]

I know where you're coming from. My oldest sister, she's 33, always has something to say to me. I'm 21, 5'2", and weigh 104lbs, and she always asks me "Well do you eat?? I don't think you ever eat..." And I had just finished having lunch with her! She can't understand that I exercise and eat RIGHT and it makes her mad. She always says about other people "Ohh they can't be thinner me!" So she must reaallyy dislike me. I even have given her a step, she ordered the basic step and body fusion, AND I sent her Cathe's beginner rotation!

I can't win.

Like I said....I feel you Denise. My mom even has these tendincies with me, and she used to be a trainer, and I can't take her advice about eating small meals throughout the day because she doesn't eat anything allllll day, until dinner time, and then after that lets loose on whatever she wants. It's horrible. So she'll tell me "You can eat whatever you want! You exercise don't you?? Then...?"

Don't even get me started on these girls in my Nursing class!! Ahhhhhhhh!

 

[Connie07]

Why not just be honest and tell them how their comments make you feel? I see these kinds of posts on so many fitness boards and while I sympathize, I just don't get why people don't speak up? Why is it OK for friends/family to make comments we don't like, but its not OK to respond with honesty about how those comments makes us feel? I don't get it...I'm not being a smart ass, just asking why just "smile" and act like everything is ok, then post about how bad it makes us feel? Just askin'.........I"ll go back to lurking lol

 

[LauraMax]

Everyone in my social circle is used to my fitness habits, so I don't have much of a problem anymore thankfully. But I did hear about it way back in the beginning.

I agree with the responses you've received. I think when we say, "Oh, I like to exercise," some people think they hear, "I exercise, you don't, which means I'm better than you."

You could substitute any facet of your lifestyle and get a similar reaction from certain individuals:

"I attend Church regularly." becomes "I attend Church, I'm going to Heaven, and you're screwed."

"I'm no longer Catholic and don't attend Church." is "I quit Catholicism, I think it's stupid, and now I think you're stupid for continuing to worship in such a fashion."

"I'll pray for you." can be "Listen, you're damned. But benevolent soul that I am, I'll do my best to put in a good word for you."

"My children don't drink soda." depending on how sensitive you are that day might sound like "Judging by the crap you give your kids, it's obvious I'm a much better parent than you."

"We homeschool" is often "We're weird, we hate regular school and all teachers, our kids are much smarter than yours, and we're simply more dedicated to our children."

It's human to mix up what you actually hear with how you're feeling inside, which many times results in a goofy, unpleasant hybrid of the two. I've caught myself doing it and have had to remind myself to not read more into a comment than necessary.

Don't get discouraged. See those comments for what they really are, continue to be kind, and remember we think you're pretty awesome. Feel free to vent any time.

OH NO! I'm screwed, I'm going to hell and I'm not very smart!

This forum is a neverending source of new information for me.

 

[dr.mel_PT]

denise, you are awesome and HEALTHY so keep up the good work!! there is nothing wrong with exercising and watching what you eat. you have to be in charge of your body and treat it well and in turn it will treat YOU well!!!! i agree with the other posters; the people who say negative things about your healthy lifestyle are either insecure about their own lifestyles (not eating healthy, not exercising), and may even be jealous of you for having the strength and determination to do it while they do not. the sad thing is most people dont ask for help/advice because it makes them feel even weaker and instead, to build themselves up, they ridicule others. i dont think theyre doing it intentionally, its kind of a defense mechanism. maybe justifying how they live their lives without eating healthy/exercise by saying "oh look at her, shes just too obsessed."

my friends and my mom say stuff like that to me all the time. if i go out with the girls for drinks and dont have a 100 oz margarita like everyone else, i always get "dont tell me youre counting calories on a FRIDAY?!" or when i eat with my parents i usually put my meal on a salad plate instead of the "dinner" plates (which are more like BUFFET plates!!!) and my mom will say "oh look at melissa and her wittle baby pwate. how cute." im not mean back, i just say something to the extent that i look like this for a reason; because im always mindful of what i eat and i dont want to ruin the hard work ive put into it. that always shuts them up

 

[LaughingWater]

OH NO! I'm screwed, I'm going to hell and I'm not very smart!

Me too!

I've run into this recently with our local homeschooling support group. It's actually a big, well established community and quite active, and it's filled with people who take a more controversial approach to home education...one that I have not chosen for myself, mind you. This makes me different from 99% of the group, which means I kind of get frozen out sometimes. Okay, a lot of the time.

Anywho, how it relates to this thread is that my fellow HSers seem to think that my choice is somehow a negative comment on their lifestyle, which it isn't. I frankly don't care what they do with their kids, and I never, ever push my way of doing things. Yet apparently my mere existence has made the group uneasy. They don't go so far as to make comments, but their stony silence and cold shoulders say more than enough. Ugh.

Connie, you ask a good question. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to tactfully remind someone that it isn't necessary to keep commeting on one's lifestyle choices, and that such behavior can be quite alienating.

 

[janie1234]

Misery loves company.

Just ignore them.

Well said. I think that either way you lose when it comes to family. They tend to be your own worse critic. Either your to heavy or your to skinny. I've pretty much just thrown in the towel and just do what is best for me. At any rate I'd rather have people nag me about how healthy and fit I am. When I get to the boiling point of it I'll throw some smug sarcastic remark like "At least I'm trying to set a good example for my kids. Or I bet I can out push up you." That always backfires on me though so I would reccomend just ignoring them.

 

[janie1234]

Everyone in my social circle is used to my fitness habits, so I don't have much of a problem anymore thankfully. But I did hear about it way back in the beginning.

I agree with the responses you've received. I think when we say, "Oh, I like to exercise," some people think they hear, "I exercise, you don't, which means I'm better than you."

You could substitute any facet of your lifestyle and get a similar reaction from certain individuals:

"I attend Church regularly." becomes "I attend Church, I'm going to Heaven, and you're screwed."

"I'm no longer Catholic and don't attend Church." is "I quit Catholicism, I think it's stupid, and now I think you're stupid for continuing to worship in such a fashion."

"I'll pray for you." can be "Listen, you're damned. But benevolent soul that I am, I'll do my best to put in a good word for you."

"My children don't drink soda." depending on how sensitive you are that day might sound like "Judging by the crap you give your kids, it's obvious I'm a much better parent than you."

"We homeschool" is often "We're weird, we hate regular school and all teachers, our kids are much smarter than yours, and we're simply more dedicated to our children."

It's human to mix up what you actually hear with how you're feeling inside, which many times results in a goofy, unpleasant hybrid of the two. I've caught myself doing it and have had to remind myself to not read more into a comment than necessary.

Don't get discouraged. See those comments for what they really are, continue to be kind, and remember we think you're pretty awesome. Feel free to vent any time.

Love the quotes. That is sooo true! Oh my the looks I get when I say my kids don't drink soda. The other mom's think I'm just down right mean.

 

[JeanneMarie]

It is interesting that this sort of interaction happens to so many people. I never have people in my life say anything negative about my healthy choices... nothing but compliments and support.

My advice is to not let their comments rent space in your brain. Their negativity only has the power to hurt you if you let it.

As so many have said, their unkind and negative comments are very simply a reflection upon themselves.... no matter what they are commenting on. I would bet that these same people are not very kind in other ways either.

Keep doing what you're doing and don't give them any more power over your feelings.

 

[LaughingWater]

Oh my the looks I get when I say my kids don't drink soda. The other mom's think I'm just down right mean.

I have a friend ~ well, we're becoming friends through our daughters ~ who is a tad sensitive and a little high strung. If during a conversation, the subject of oh...video games comes up, and I say something casually like, "I don't really know much about that stuff. We don't have them." it's like she panics and hurries to explain or justify why they buy video games.

I always try to assure her that I really don't care what other people do ~ no judgment ~ but it seems to be a knee-jerk reaction of hers.

 

[mtnmom99]

I think we need to figure out a short, but to the point, answer. Perhaps:

"It's all about choices, isn't it!"

Diane

 

[Nicole_29]

I love that response, it's all about choices!

I've dealt with negativity and back handed compliments my whole life. I'm very petite, 5'2, 90lbs and workout 6 days a week and do my best to eat clean. I've been the same size since middle school with the exception of my pregnancies and have dealt with comments and the "I hate you... you're so skiny" Go eat a cheesburger!! My whole life. I try to laugh it off or say something nice to them back like you're thin too.... ughhh. It's very annoying and can be hurtful. In the past few years I've changed my eating considerably and gotten more serious about working out. My husband is one of the worst. He does not eat healthy and has no interest and it's a struggle when he wants to go out to eat or buy junk food and I don't. Needless to say there are many of nights when the kids and dh eat fastfood or take out while I have egg whites and cottage cheese. It's fustrating and family events are hard with the inlaws. They know nothing about eating clean or healthy. I eat before I go and try to make myself busy with the kids while everyone else eats.

 

[janie1234]

I have a friend ~ well, we're becoming friends through our daughters ~ who is a tad sensitive and a little high strung. If during a conversation, the subject of oh...video games comes up, and I say something casually like, "I don't really know much about that stuff. We don't have them." it's like she panics and hurries to explain or justify why they buy video games.

I always try to assure her that I really don't care what other people do ~ no judgment ~ but it seems to be a knee-jerk reaction of hers.

Wow, I get the same response. We do have video games BUT we have a kitchen timer for 1 hour on Saturday and Fridays only. My poor little guy always talks about how the other kids make fun of him for it. It breaks my heart that the teasing is not only limited to moms but my kids too.

 

[Ginny V]

I'm sorry that you're struggling with their lack of thoughtfulness, Denise.

Sometimes people just speak without giving any thought to how their words will make others feel...and of course many folks, the passive-aggressive ones, know EXACTLY what they're doing with their words, but will somehow find a way to deflect responsibility should you pin them on it; net result: you're the one that ends up feeling like a jerk. Or maybe your good choices magnify their bad ones and it's easier to pick at you instead of taking a good hard look at themselves. Who really knows what's at the heart of a person, but you do not have to be the victim of someone's verbal weaponry.

Comments are fairly easy to deal with - you just ignore them as if you didn't hear anything. This puts the person making the comment in the position of deciding if they want to question you directly. Many times the rudeness will stop there (after you've trained them that you won't take the bait).

I've found over the years that one of the most effective responses to an inappropriate question is to smile sweetly and say something to the effect of, "Why do you ask?" It's straight-forward and honest, and puts the ball back in their court...and now they're forced to take pause and explain themselves without you resorting to snarky behavior yourself. What will they say?

1. Because I want to know. - You can respond however you choose. My preference would be, "I appreciate your curiosity, but I prefer not to discuss it, thanks." I might add, "I'm sure you understand". If they press the matter at this point they would be proving how insensitive they are and typically won't want to do that.
2. Because you eat so well and I eat so poorly...I just don't know how you do it and don't think I could. I'm a little jealous. - This would be a fantastic answer because it would open the door for you to have an honest and potentially constructive conversation.
3. Because I'm petty and small and jealous and feel so bad about myself that I need to pick you apart and make you feel judged - This is often really the heart of the matter and and answer you'll never get, but you'll know it when you hear it because of the tone and facial expression. But instead of anger you can just choose sympathy, change the subject (no need to be subtle about it) and move on.

If you don't want to give it that much thought, then just reply with a bright and cheery, "Thanks for noticing. I feel great and am really happy with myself!"

Good luck!