Unsupportive friends/family??

[workingToBeFit]

Hi Denise,
Boy can I relate! You have had a lot of great replies already, but I can't help throwing in my 2 cents. I am 52, 5'3" and weigh 121, and work out 5 times a week for about an hour. Not exactly a fanatic, but I am healthy and happy about it. But - I have had my brother ask me snarkily if Cathe is "on steriods" and just last week my sister in law said, sarcastically, "SO... what workouts are you doing now?" She is, honestly, 50 pounds overweight. In the past I tried to help and inspire them - and tell them what I was doing, about eating clean and working out-wise, hoping it would help. But I soon realized that was not going to happen. So now, for example when my sister in law asked me that question last week, I cheerily said "oh the usual - cardio, strength and flexibility" - and then I quickly changed the subject to something totally different and not related in any way. They don't really want to talk about it, at all, and if they do talk about nutrition/fitness, it's simply an uncomfortable experience for everyone present. Keep up the good work, and don't worry about what ANYONE else thinks!

 

[caseysmomgo]

Thanks for all your great comments, ladies! I especially love "It's about choices, isn't it?" I think I'll try that one for sure. I usually just try to ignore comments or change the subject so I don't start a confrontation, but sometimes you just need a great comeback... It's good to know I'm not alone in this. You guys are the greatest!

Denise

 

[moni_stout]

Hi Denise,
You have gotten great advice from other posters. Congratulations on feeling good and taking charge of your health. I get a lot of comments from people as well. A couple of years ago after losing weight I took a bunch of work trousers to the tailor to have the waist taken in. Some women in the waiting area were asking me the most ridiculous questions. I am 5'4" and probably around 110 lbs. They wanted to know if I get sick all the time because I am so thin. They also told me that I needed to gain weight so that I won't get hurt if I fall down! Isn't that funny. Also , women at work love to say things. The other day I went down to the cafeteria to buy a little $0.35 thing of peanut butter to put on my banana. It is literally about 1 TBSP. This woman on the elevator says, "Is that your lunch?!", while looking horrified. Before I had the chance to respond she said, "that's why you're so thin!". Come on now! Are you serious? I wanted to reply by saying "yes this is my lunch and when I'm done I will throw it up" but thought that was too mean. I simply answered "no". It was as though it made her feel really good to think that was my lunch and that I suffer all the time to be thin. Ridiculous and rude. I am trying to get better at not reacting to these sorts of remarks, but I admit it is a struggle. It definitely would not have been acceptable for me to ask if that big tray of her food was her lunch and then state that is the reason she is so heavy. She would have called human resources and I could be fired. Oh well.

Monica

 

[hottiescientist]

I'm just going to reiterate what most everyone said, but I think its probably that

1) if they accept that you are doing a more positive thing (eating healthy, exercising), then they are not doing positive thing.
2) they do not want to accept they are not doing positive thing, they will say that you are doing something in an extreme/excessive way - or most definitely not in a moderate or normal way.
3) different = bad

I know it hurts to hear what they say and it probably hurts more because they are close to you but YOU know what you're doing is a good thing for YOU. But trust me, I'll take your thing any day over what I went through for the first year of my really well disciplined control over diet and exercise. My coworkers are all skinny (like seriously underweight...like they can't give blood) and they would go to lunch with me and MOCK me for what I ate or how little I ate. Or they would buy calorific pastries for their coffee and then shove it in my face, "Want some?" And when I would say "no" they then mock and tease me for another five minutes. It got so bad that I had to stop going to lunch with them. To this day I don't eat with them now because I don't need that negativity. You can't not eat with your friends and family I realize but at least they're not trying to deliberately sabotage you. When you can, smile and walk away, but find strength in your discipline.

(That sounded cornier than intended...)

 

[syzygy314]

I feel when people do this it's because you are making them really see themselves as they really are. It is forcing them to notice their food choices and how they look.

I'm lucky. The girls at my office have seen my success and they are very supportive! One of them is even starting to change her eating habits based on what I bring for my mid-morning and mid-afternoon snacks! It's kind of nice to see a positive reaction!

 

[netsnotes16]

I understand where you are soooo comin' from! I don't get that much support from Dave either and healthy choices. My daughter is borderline obese and at that age to please her father. My son is very active but doesn't always eat the right foods either. My only escape is working out and I enjoy it. I hear comments all the time as well. Some good, some bad.

I told my neighbor who workouts that not all people have a supportive family, and her face about dropped. I am so glad we have a Forum to help us on our fitness journey. I would be totally lost.

(hugs), we are all in this together. Even though we might disagree on other issues, we can agree about working out!

 

[LaughingWater]

I've found over the years that one of the most effective responses to an inappropriate question is to smile sweetly and say something to the effect of, "Why do you ask?" It's straight-forward and honest, and puts the ball back in their court...and now they're forced to take pause and explain themselves without you resorting to snarky behavior yourself.

That's an awesome idea! I'm going to try that.

 

[gettingfitmom]

Denise, just keep doing what you're doing...I was met w/ some of the same comments a few years ago when I started doing what I felt was best for me, exercise. It was a choice I made and do not regret it for a minute! My neice handed me a jar of pickles she couln't open and said in a sarcastic voice"here Aunt Kay, you're the one who works out" Yes I am and yes i opened the jar for her!!!!!!!!

 

[Liberty]

I go through this a lot also. I especially had a hard time dealing with it when I started loosing weight and it came from my husband. I finally just told him that if he couldn't say something nice try not saying anything at all. Later he came back to say he didn't realize he was doing it. He doesn't do it now, sometimes though I do catch him trying to sabotage my efforts. I have a friend who also makes comments every time I order a salad. I happen to LOVE salads! I just smile and ask her if she would like the ketchup for her fries. Most of the rest I just explain that I'm healthier and happier, and honestly have gotten so used to my choices in food that if I had some fries it would make me sick for days! (which is true!) I'm not perfect either.
I had one friend who made a comment, I just told her that she is an amazing cook and I just happen to be a fitness freak LOL We had a good laugh but she never mentioned it again.
I know it sits on your nerves. Sorry to hear you are also dealing with it.

Liberty

 

[Fit_mommy]

Seems there will always be someone we know that will give us grief for the lifestyle we've all chosen. I have been knocked for everything from my weight (saying I'm too thin which is a bunch of crap!) to my food choices (why do I "complain" about being in a situation that does not offer healthy options) and exercise habits(I exercise too much). Let it go. It's not worth getting upset over. Do what makes you happy. Who cares what anyone else thinks!

 

[diane57]

I know some of these comments (maybe a majority of them) are motivated by jealousy and a little hostility. But some of the comments could be intended as compliments ("How much MORE weight have you lost?" and "Is that your lunch? THAT's why your so thin!") It's hard to know how people intend comments - I have made comments to dieting friends like "That's how you stay so thin", that were intended and taken as compliments - meaning I recognized and applauded how difficult it is to eat well and the person is doing a good job at it and it shows.

One way to defuse comments if you can't tell if they are negative or positive, is to ALWAYS respond as if it's a positive comment. So when somebody says "OMG you have lost SO much weight", you can smile and say "THANK YOU! I have worked really hard and I'm SOOOO happy with my results - it is just SO great to buy smaller sizes and I feel wonderful!" If the comment is meant in a positive way, you've acknowledged it nicely. If it's meant in a negative way, it will really flummox the person trying to get you to (as somebody else said) take the bait. I admit this is really hard to do sometimes but it gets good results.

Sometimes the comment is CLEARLY negative, such as when a co-worker said to me "You are getting much too thin, you're starting to look emaciated!" (This was when I had dieted down to 150 pounds, go figure...) She was considerably overweight and I was in a bad mood and I said, quite loudly, " You just worry about your own diet plan, and I will worry about mine." A number of people laughed, the co-worker looked embarrassed, and I walked away secretly saying "YES!!!!"

Another response might be, if somebody says you're too thin, is to say "OMG I can't believe you just said that! I have been so worried that you're too fat!!! It really bothers me and I think you should do something about it, don't you realize how you're endangering your health???" I would probably only do that with the most bitter hard-core case, but it's a nice fantasy...

 

[GMonkey]

Yup, I used to deal with this from my mom and aunt. They are both obese. My mom has gone through times where she has gone on 1,000 calorie per day diets and lost over 100 pounds, just to put it back on. They think that anything under a size 14 is anorexic and accused me of having an eating disorder. This is laughable because I'm 13 pounds over the healthy BMI for my height. The only reason that they don't bother me anymore is because I rarely speak to them.

 

[spyrosmom]

Another response might be, if somebody says you're too thin, is to say "OMG I can't believe you just said that! I have been so worried that you're too fat!!! It really bothers me and I think you should do something about it, don't you realize how you're endangering your health???" I would probably only do that with the most bitter hard-core case, but it's a nice fantasy...

*Snort* I like that one!!

Nan

 

[Cindy923]

your response may be in your post

Hi Denise,

First, congratulations on your weight loss, doing it the healthy and smart way.
15 lbs on a 5' 1" person can look like a lot more than 15 so maybe that is
what your friend/sister are thinking or seeing.

I think your solution is in your post and maybe you could say this to them:

I get discouraged when I have to constantly defend my healthy choices. I never know how to respond to them when they make comments, and
They're both the most wonderful gals in all other areas...

Since these are important relationships in your life and you must want to keep it that way, I can see that this must be hurtfull to you, It would be to me. I think delicate honesty is the best way to to. Nicley let them know how their word make you feel.

Cindy

How do you guys handle friends/family who make snarky comments about your healthy eating and fitness habits?

I try to eat healthy, but I'm not by any means obsessive about it, but it seems like my one friend and also my sister, always make comments about my healthy food choices when we're out. They also make comments about what may appear to them to be "excessive" exercising (I do STS and cardio but nothing extreme...) My weight also seems to bug them...I'm 53, 5'1" and weigh 119, so I'm not exactly a stick figure, but I look slim and healthy. I haven't lost any weight since January, but I have lost inches, (thanks Cathe!)and the other day my sis said, "So how much MORE weight have you lost?" In the last year and a half I lost maybe 15 lbs, so it's not like I've been losing TONS of weight...

I feel better than I ever have, and I get discouraged when I have to constantly defend my healthy choices. I never know how to respond to them when they make comments, and although I'd like to be snippy, I try to bite my tongue. They're both the most wonderful gals in all other areas... Are they just trying to make me feel bad to compensate for their own lack of healthy choices? Has anyone else had to cope with this? Thanks for letting me vent....

Denise

 

[MadnNatsmom]

Since these are important relationships in your life and you must want to keep it that way, I can see that this must be hurtfull to you, It would be to me. I think delicate honesty is the best way to to. Nicley let them know how their word make you feel.

Cindy

I absolutely agree. Speak up and tell them those comments hurt you. If they were truly your friends, they'd stop.

Maybe it's just me, but the women in my life whom I consider my "friends" don't make snarky comments to me. Just as I would never make snarky comments to them.